Help with boundary setting

[Seoulsister]

Our family recently moved to the city where my in-laws happen to live. MIL is diagnosed bipolar and is classic BPD waif.  FIL is type 1 diabetic and in recent years his blood sugar has been difficult to regulate, with near-death highs and lows coinciding with MILs manic cycles. In some cases, when he is actually passed out due to low blood sugar, she doesn't call 911. She says she's worried he'll be mad. He, in his unregulated state becomes drunk-like and tells her not to... .and she listens. This is obviously quite concerning for many reasons. With all these unpredictable behaviors, they also have a handgun in their home.

Now that we live nearby, there are frequent offers to babysit, telling us to go away for the weekend and drop our child at their place. Under different circumstances I'd jump at the chance, but with both of them being quite unstable in different ways, my child will not be alone with them. We have avoided addressing it, but it's coming up more often and we will have to say something.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to carefully word a conversation which explains why granddaughter cannot be left alone with them? It seems quite obvious, however, it will be an overly emotional issue (rather than logical) for MIL and in turn FIL. Boundary situations typically lead to family drama, hysterical phone calls, unkind letters sent to the house and FIL demanding apologies to sooth MIL. In the past we have complied, stupidly, to keep the peace. But this is a deal breaker and the truth is, MIL doesn't react well in emergencies, FIL's health is so poor that he's not even allowed to drive and their mental and physical health is unpredictable.  We do see them all together and I would never keep them from spending time with their grandchild entirely, but either myself or my husband will always have to be there.

[Its My Time Now]

Yes, I would also never consider leaving my child in a potentially harmful situation like that. It will probably get conflictive if you tell them this, but there is no other way about it. Your accountability lies with your child, who cannot protect herself and should not be placed in a situation like that. That has prevalence over their hurt feelings any time.

You sound very articulate and if you word it to them as you have to us, they should see the logic in your decision. If they choose to become angry and conflictive, that is their choice, your priority is still your child's safety. It is probably going to be ugly, but you are doing the right thing and should stick to it.

That said, if there are situations in which your MIL does not call 911 when she should, it would probably be a good idea to inform their Health Care Provider of this. Maybe he or she can have a talk with them?

[claudiaduffy]

That's a sticky situation but it sounds like you're seeing it clearly. I think I would opt for actually just not explaining. When they offer, just say "No, thank you."  It's hard to stick to no explanation when they press for one, but... .I know with my own uBPDmom, "Because that's not what I'm going to do" is sometimes the only explanation I can afford to give her, and while it frustrates her, she's gotten to where she changes the subject when it gets to that point.

[Its My Time Now]

Claudia might be right. I have to remind myself that we are dealing with a BPD and that trying to reason with them is just the onset of a very complicated situation, where they will flip it around and you end up wondering how you got maneuvered in a corner where you feel you are the bad guy.

I think she is right. Just tell them thank you and move on.

[Seoulsister]

Thank you for your responses. Claudiaduffy, you're right! I don't know why I felt so obligated to provide a concrete explanation--there doesn't have to be one. A simple "thanks for the offer" response can be enough.

It's My Time Now, the health care providers are aware that she didn't call 911. She focuses on the fact that she saves his life each time.

[GaGrl]

This is another of those situations that remind me of a friend's statement -  "I was 40 years old before I realized that 'No'is a complete sentence."

[Seoulsister]

This is another of those situations that remind me of a friend's statement -  "I was 40 years old before I realized that 'No'is a complete sentence."

Better late than never!    Reading her reply was a light bulb moment for me! I CAN simply say no... .what a concept!

[claudiaduffy]

I'm glad to be of help. =) Sticking to "no" as a complete sentence is something I'm still working on!

[Suzn]

I've used the DEARMAN technique in a similar situation and it went pretty well, I'm still practicing. You could practice wording here anytime you like. That way you can be better prepared.

After wandering in the FOG for a longer time we have lost the natural instincts and ability to ask for something. Fear is controlling our thinking. Our partner is super sensitive and tends to over-react. We get ever more careful, stopping to ask for things needed in our or our relationship's interest. Resentment breeds. Resentment is sensed. Communication grinds to a halt. How do we get back to normal? A big step is start asking again for what is needed and this is where D.E.A.R.M.A.N can help us.

D.E.A.R.M.A.N. - Marsha Linehan, MD published the DEARMAN in 1993 as part of her DBT training manual.

D= Describe the current situation. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to. Stick to the facts.

E= Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don’t expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.

A= Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don’t expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.

R= Reinforce the reward to the person ahead of time. Tell the person the positive effects of getting what you want or need. Help the person feel good ahead of time for doing what you want.

M= Mindfully keep your focus on your objectives. Maintain your position. Don’t be distracted.

A= Appear Confident. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating, saying “I’m not sure,” etc.

N= Negotiate by being willing to give to get. Offer and ask for alternative solutions to the problem. What am I willing to “settle for” or “give up” in order to gain what I want in the situation?



D.E.A.R.M.A.N. is used when you have an objective, you want something specific, such as to get more sleep, to have help with the chores, to affect a change or to say NO to a request. You want the other person to come away feeling good about you and not full of resentment. This preserves the relationship. You also want to protect or even enhance your self respect.



Have you practiced DEARMAN and in what situation and how did it go? Do you have something you want to happen and you wonder whether this is a case of DEARMAN? Are you confused when to use S.E.T., DEARMAN or Boundaries? There is certainly a lot you would like to have, happen or changed... .

A simple "no" may be triggering if the topic is pushed hard by your inlaws. I understand not wanting to leave your child with the potential for an emergency situation at any given moment. Also having a firearm in the house, is it locked up?