Getting over the guilt of leaving.

[Its My Time Now]

One of the things I struggled with when deciding to end my marriage to a BPD was feelings of guilt of giving up on such a tormented soul. Now, keep in mind that that was after countless verbally abusive remarks from him, countless times of him running away and hiding from conflict and going into passive aggressive radio silence and he initiating the divorce, after I moved his belongings to the garage. Go, arrogance my part, huh?

But still, I had had years of his sob stories on how unfair life had treated him and what a bad person I was for not living up to his expectations of savior and soul-mate. So, I felt this totally warped sense of obligation toward him and toward rescuing him and having him see the light and go into counseling or something.

Let's talk about my own weird perspectives at a later stage, for now, something I learned in counseling. While I was going through counseling, the issue of my guilty feelings came up. An acquaintance of mine had just been diagnosed with Alzheimer. She was showing horrible behavior toward her family, was snarly, irrational and unreasonable. Still, her children and other family stuck by her side, sucking it up.

I told my counselor that this made me feel so guilty and selfish. Here was this person who had been diagnosed with a disease and everybody was sticking by her and here was I, walking away from a man who was just as ill, had never asked to be BPD either. Why was it justifiable to walk out on one and not the other, even though the behavior of both was equally detrimental to those around them?

My counselor explained that yes, if a person comes down with Alzheimers, it is understandable that family stays loyal and by their side, even if it takes a toll on them. Somebody with Alzheimers is not capable of taking care of themselves.

The difference, he pointed out, was that my ex was perfectly capable of taking care of himself. He was and is a high functioning BPD, can hold a job, run a household, have friendships etc. What he cannot do is have healthy romantic relationships. But since he is in a position where he can contemplate on his own role in the failure of multiple romantic relationships and chooses not to do so, there is no obligation for the non BPD partner to stay in the dysfunctional relationship.

Basically, as ___ty and unhappy as he may feel, ex BPD can function just fine without my or anybodies help. He could improve his mental health, but chooses not to.

Since this helped me a lot in dealing with my misguided feelings of guilt toward deserting my ex BPD, I thought I would share it here.

[Spartacus]

Thanks for posting this. It's something I have been struggling with. It's the masterful manipulation that bit so deep and a huge dollop of codependent traits on my part which made me accept/ blame myself for all the chaos and stay longer than I should have. I'm sorry you've been through such a tough time. Well done for stepping out of the crazy making and starting to look after yourself. Good luck on your healing. 

[Loosestrife]

Thanks, your post is helpful

[talithacumi]

Five years out and I still struggle with these kinds of feelings myself.

I agree that there's a difference between someone who suffering from a mental illness that makes it impossible for them to take care of themselves, and someone suffering from a mental illness that, in many ways, actually makes it possible for them to function.

But ... .

If you're anything like me, you're perfectly aware that their ability to function is dependent on the extent to which their disordered thinking, emotional reactions, and maladaptive defensive/coping mechanisms don't get in the way of that happening.

My uxpwBPD consistently made plans/choices that put himself, me, our family, our home, and our life at risk - physically and financially, as well as mentally and emotionally. He'd quit, be fired, or lose his job - not tell me about it - pretend he was going to work - and borrow money against our credit cards or from friends to maintain the illusion as well. His inability to control his impulse to buy something "special" as a means of self-soothing was so predictable that, for the last five years of our relationship, I COUNTED on having to make an extra $200-$300 a month just to cover the overdraft fees he incurred. Drinking to excess as another way of self-soothing was accompanied by the compulsive need to hide/deny what he was doing even when he was so drunk he literally couldn't stand up to walk - which ultimately led to several DUIs, the suspension of his license, two tickets for driving while suspended, higher insurance rates, and him developing a bleeding ulcer that he very genuinely felt he couldn't seek medical attention without risking the possibility that I'd find out about it.

So ... .functional, yes ... .but non-threatening to his own well-being as well as that of others? Definitely not ... .and the fact that he's keenly aware of this only adds fuel to the whole disordered cycle.

Further, because he's soo good at mirroring/projecting what others want to see, I am one of a handful of people who have experienced/know what he's really like - not just how reckless, immature, irresponsible, self-serving, and at times even cruel his actions can be - but also how much he suffers as a result of being unable to stop himself from acting this way in the first place.

And, because I still care about him, it is VERY hard for me to simply walk away, avoid/ignore/reject him for being the person he is - for having a mental disorder that compels him to behave in the ways he does.

I can JADE the choice I've made by telling myself it's not safe/healthy to be around someone like this ... .but I still feel guilty about. The best I can do is validate the importance of my own safety/security, accept the guilt I feel as normal/appropriate under the circumstances, allow myself to feel it, and not let it move me to say/do something that will put my safety/security at risk in the future.

It's such a complicated emotional mess, isn't it? Definitely NOT the way I thought things were supposed to be when it came to both relationships like this, and their ending.

Just another special "something" I get to experience/learn as a result of having been involved and so enmeshed with a pwBPD.

Sucks.

[Its My Time Now]

My experience, after having gone through 3 relationships of this type, a total of 38 years, is that things look different when you are looking from the inside out as compared to how they look from the outside in.

In all three cases, I thought I still cared, while I was on the inside looking out. Because survival instinct kicked in, I would yank myself out and all three times, after having been on the outside looking in for a while, I realized that caring for them had very little to do with it.

I stayed for a lot of reasons:

Sense of obligation. It said more about who I am and how I roll than about my feelings for them. Just like I would not walk away from a train wreck. But once I did all I could, I realized that it was time to walk away.

Financial insecurity, but I found out I can make it on my own and a thousand times better than within their financial chaos.

Fear of being alone/lonely. I found out, however, that I felt way more lonely being in a relationship with them than I feel being away from them. I just never realized how lonely I felt when I was on the inside looking out.

I like the three C thing: Did not Cause it, cannot Cure it, have no Control over it. Give yourself a chance to step outside and look at it from the outside in for a good long while and see if you still feel and think the same way.

[Tibbles]

I have felt guilty about leaving. Marriage is in sickness and in health and my ex is sick.

However I look at it as those who stay with people who have illness and are essentially carers, can get respite and support and understanding from family, friends and society in general. With a partner sick with BPD we essentially do it alone with no respite while we are under constant attack ourselves. BPD is a hidden illness. I couldn't do it and stay in one piece. It really was a case of saving me. I wasn't strong enough. I wish I had been but it takes two unhealthy people to be in an unhealthy relationship and I needed help too. Me staying with him and staying unhealthy was not helping him, me leaving and getting healthy did not help him. I couldn't help him, staying or leaving made no difference. Leaving did help me. So at least one person got help. My guilt slowly turned to indifference to compassion for my ex. It is simply a horrible illness that unfortunately has taken away the man I married and nearly destroyed me. So very sad.

[mitatsu]

I have felt guilty about leaving. Marriage is in sickness and in health and my ex is sick.

However I look at it as those who stay with people who have illness and are essentially carers, can get respite and support and understanding from family, friends and society in general. With a partner sick with BPD we essentially do it alone with no respite while we are under constant attack ourselves. BPD is a hidden illness. I couldn't do it and stay in one piece. It really was a case of saving me. I wasn't strong enough. I wish I had been but it takes two unhealthy people to be in an unhealthy relationship and I needed help too. Me staying with him and staying unhealthy was not helping him, me leaving and getting healthy did not help him. I couldn't help him, staying or leaving made no difference. Leaving did help me. So at least one person got help. My guilt slowly turned to indifference to compassion for my ex. It is simply a horrible illness that unfortunately has taken away the man I married and nearly destroyed me. So very sad.

that is possibly one of the most powerfull quotes i have ever read... .thank you