Very concerned

[Michelle27]

I don't want to retell my whole story, but my uBPDh and I are currently separated after he crossed a boundary of mine related to a rage, and our (so he says) mutual agreement that we both need space and time to heal while he begins the hard work of deep therapy.  So for the past week and a half, he has stayed in our friend's home which has been empty because she was out of town.  He has been very positive in interactions with me in text, phone conversations and in person despite the difficulties of the situation.  There has been some of the manipulative behaviors though but I haven't called him on them because, like me, I know he is stressed enough.  He did also completely snap on his father which has NEVER happened... .he only snaps on ME usually.  He also snapped last week on the same friend described above.

So anyway, our friend has some therapist training but she has never "used" that on him... .just been a friend.  Last night when she got to her house after a week and a half away, she found him in a pretty disturbed state.  He was highly manipulative, changed his train of thought based on her responses in the conversation constantly and changed his "story" repeatedly.   She says she used some of her training in using CBT techniques with him and she was very disturbed by how that went.  We've all been friends for a long time (almost 11 years) and she says she has never seen him the way he is now.  She is very concerned and now I am.  Already, due to him about to head into deep therapy, I know he is terrified and is likely freaking out.  I have been concerned enough since he's been out of the house to put the security chain on our house "just in case".  Up until this morning when I heard about the conversation last night, I thought it was overkill on my part. Now I'm not so sure. I don't know if there are more precautions I should take or am I worried for nothing.  My friend has asked me to not mention that she talked to me today so I can't even discuss it with him but I want to make sure I do the right thing.

[Mike-X]

I am sorry. Can you elaborate on the concerns?

[Loosestrife]

Hi, it sounded like things had settled a bit for you and your H. It sounds like she has had a realisation how  disturbing BPD type behaviour can be as an observer. I have not  lived with a BPD going through therapy, but I'm told it will get worse before it's gets better. What has he been like with you? What's the worst case scenario that you have wxperienced lately? I would try not to go into panick mode, go through possible worse case scenario a and have a plan if those scenarios happen.

[Lucky Jim]

Suggest you keep the door locked with security chain on, and the phone at your side.  Maybe it's unnecessary; maybe not, but better to err on the side of safety.  If he comes by, he will likely try some form of manipulation to get you to open the door.  Don't fall for it.  LJ

[Michelle27]

What concerns me is that he's showing me a very positive, looking forward, understanding nature over the separation.  And he's showing others a VERY stressed, really kind of fractured look at reality.  And through the last 9 years since he crashed mentally, it's been the opposite... .everyone else gets the amazingly "together" guy and I get the raging guy.  Our friend was seriously concerned this morning because she's never seen anything like it in him before, even though she's heard me describe it.

[Loosestrife]

Have you heard from him today?

[Michelle27]

I did.  On Wednesdays, our daughter attends a choir/ukelele class for a couple hours after school.  I always drive her and he always picks her up.  I texted him this morning asking if he could still pick her up.  He said he "hopes he remembers" so I said I'd remind him.  And we both attend the same Boot Camp class on Wednesdays.  I stressed all day and didn't want to go knowing he'd be there but I know that continuing my usual exercise routine is part of the self care I definitely need so I went.  I even brought him a big bag of fruit for his lunches.  And he brought me flowers.  I told him how stressed I was, and he says he was stressed too, but it went ok.  I also talked about needing him to take initiative in working on finding time to spend with our daughter as well as helping find a place we can possibly rent to alternate weeks in the home for now. 

He did tell me that if our friend hadn't come home last night, he would have asked me to come over after Boot Camp, implying that he wanted some alone time with me and even used the word, "quickie".  *sigh* 

[Loosestrife]

Hi Michelle27, is it me or did you find this a bit odd? From

how your friend described his mood, it sounded far from positive/romantic.

Saying that, my SO can show no signs of romantic interest (actions not words) in me for weeks and then out of the blue mention sex. I have learnt not to

initiate any intimacy anymore as it hurts too much to be rejected and I can never judge if it will trigger a blow up and I will be accused of being inconsiderate of what ever mood they are in.

[Michelle27]

Hi Michelle27, is it me or did you find this a bit odd? From

how your friend described his mood, it sounded far from positive/romantic.

Saying that, my SO can show no signs of romantic interest (actions not words) in me for weeks and then out of the blue mention sex. I have learnt not to

initiate any intimacy anymore as it hurts too much to be rejected and I can never judge if it will trigger a blow up and I will be accused of being inconsiderate of what ever mood they are in.

It was very odd, and I actually felt it was more evidence that he is more on edge than I would have expected.  The weirdest thing about all of this is that for me, he's been accepting and rather positive about the separation, why it has to be this way, and almost excited about heading into therapy next week.  Our friend says he was manipulative to the extreme, all about "pity me".  And in the middle of this, bringing me flowers and mentioning sex.  It's like he's switched... .the guy only I've seen off and on for 9 years is who others are seeing, but I'm getting the ultra positive (but a little "off" guy that everyone else has seen.  Up until very recently, my daughter from my first marriage and I were the only ones who ever witnessed the dysregulated guy.

He's also been very secretive of his issues with most of the people he knows. But late last night, he put up a FB status that said, "I have to get rid of some seriously bad juju.".  Not 100% sure what that means but it sounds like something interesting happened at our friend's house because that was just a couple hours after I saw him at boot camp.

[Loosestrife]

I'm not sure what juju is, bug you could ask him I suppose 

[Michelle27]

I think it means he is REALLY realizing that something is wrong deep inside him.

[despr8]

Hi Michelle27, you have every right to be cautious and concerned he sounds like a ticking time bomb... .violent behavior is never to be tolerated... .and one thing that should be considered is a husband at a friends house that just so happen to be a girl I DON"T KNOW... .sounds kind of fishy to me... .in my experience with BPD I don't put anything past them... .just saying ... .good luck , despr8   

[Michelle27]

Hi Michelle27, you have every right to be cautious and concerned he sounds like a ticking time bomb... .violent behavior is never to be tolerated... .and one thing that should be considered is a husband at a friends house that just so happen to be a girl I DON"T KNOW... .sounds kind of fishy to me... .in my experience with BPD I don't put anything past them... .just saying ... .good luck , despr8   

In the 2 weeks since the original separation, I've come up with a solution for a few months at least, as long as it takes for me to not be so triggered by his dysregulations and likewise, him to be triggered with mine.  I found a room to rent and we are taking turns... .a week there and then a week home so our daughter has stability in the home and both parents equally.  I move in for my first "shift" of a week today.