Starting to reach into compartmentalization Goody Bag

[dagwoodbowser]

Almost 3 yrs with an xBPW and 4 recycles that all turned out the same. Post 30 days N/C and I'm noticing I'm starting to reach into The Good Compartmentalization Bag more and more. For those not familiar with what this is, it's where you sort through good, bad and ugly feelings/emotions, you sort them out and for some reason your mind/subconscious stores them away in seperate sections. Not sure if we all do this, but I know that I do and fer damn sure I know she does because after a few months I turn from Black to White and she reaches out. First 10 days post B/U were horrible and all I could think of was how badly I was treated.

I was doing grocery shopping last night wandering the isles and I was thinking all sorts of happy go lucky thoughts and memories about my BPWxgf. BAM! I realized what was happening and what I was doing. I've done 4 recycles and despite my holding down the fort and staying in N/C, she tends to come around post 80-90 days and hooks me in every time. The 1st recycle I was totally clueless. She mentioned her condition to me early on, not sure if done as a warning or an FYI, but I casually glanced over the condition and didnt think much of it. By the 3rd recycle I had learned much about her condition, discovered I had a Co-Dependency issue and begin to get with all the lingo: black, white, splicing, mirroring and triggers, etc. I considered myself a Kung Fu Jedi Master of all things BPD and my gf. Was paying attention to what she does, not what she says and was very in-tuned with how I was interacting and reacting to avoid being a trigger for her. My Black Belt and Jedi Mind Powers were pretty much useless because she dropped me on my head again and I cant/wont do it again.

There are a ton of negatives and still stumbling post break-up, but I will say that I am much more "aware" of what I am feeling, thinking than ever before. So it looks like I am now entering that phase where my own mind is tricking me into seeking out the warm fuzzy's. I am compartmentalizing. Good thing is I'm fully aware of it. I just hope the "rookies" that are  only on Level One of their 1st or 2nd recycle become aware that this occurs, especially if Co-dependent. Those perfect good times of idealization are a temporary flash in the pan. You can relive them in your mind, but your xBPD partner very likely Wont give an encore.

[raisins3142]

I would that becoming so skilled and vigilant is just not worth it.  Why be in a relationship that requires so much?

[Reecer1588]

I would that becoming so skilled and vigilant is just not worth it.  Why be in a relationship that requires so much?

I can only guess that because you are so in love with that person that life without them doesn't seem worth living.

Wanted to add that I'm not that person!  

Life sucks major donkey balls without my ex (the silence kills me inside), but it's still worth living!