Question about dBPDh's way to start fights

[ColdEthyl]

I've been working on my responses to my H's outbursts and black/white thinking when he is dysregulating. One of the things I have noticed is when he's wanting to fight, he will start off with an attack, but tries to end it with some sort of nicety.

An example of this is I have been dropping things lately. Once I had mentioned that my mother used to drop things all of the time, and she would say the same thing... .like her hands just wouldn't grasp all of the way. He was upset about his parents moving, and he brought this up. It always starts off sounding like an attack "You know... .you dropping things is all in your head. There's nothing wrong with your hands." And then he goes into this 20 minutes spiel about how I'm not confident when I grab things, that I second guess every movement and proceeds to show me HOW to grab things. At the end of his little lesson, he says I am not confident with anything I do because of how I was raised, and how angry he is at my mother for hurting me.

Now, I'm not saying he was wrong. In fact, I think he's on to something. I am always worried about screwing up, messing anything up, etc. So, subconsciously, because I know I'm clumsy, I probably DO drop things because I over think it. However, the WAY he starts out these things hurts my feelings, or it puts me on the defensive to where I don't want to hear what he is saying.

That's my question. Any time he does these little "criticism workshops" as I call it, it always starts out mean... .then he tries to finish nicely. Usually when he does this, I don't take it well. We bicker about it, I try to tell him he's hurting my feelings, and in his view he's going to end it with something nice... .so if I would just let him finish... .etc etc

Is he purposely phrasing things in a highly negative way to GET me to bicker? Or is it just the way he thinks? Is he trying to come up with a negative in ME because he doesn't want to think about whatever negative he is dealing with about himself at that moment? Has anyone else noticed this sort of thing?

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[Oooohm]

CE

Sorry... .It may not be BPD.

We (Men) are not the most tactful creatures on earth... .some less than others (Shades of Gray).

You HAVE a right to your feelings tho. If you tell him you appreciate his help but the way he presents it hurts your feelings... .then it escalates into a Dysregulation episode... . well then THAT IS BPD.

My uBPDw does from time to time try to push my buttons... .Examples

1. Sometimes she is frustrated about something she can't do and is projecting (Easily recognized and diffused)

2. Doesn't like the way I'm doing something and complains, not tactfully (Again easily diffused)

3. She is upset about something that happened days ago and will try to "start" something about something un-related

    (This is less recognizable but I catch on quick and eventually diffuse it)

I don't think she is ever "trying"  to start a fight... .to have a fight... .I just think it's the way she communicates.

You may want to look up ASPBERGERS Symptoms. Just to rule it out.

[maxsterling]

I see this happening in both ways:

"I love you and don't mean to sound critical, but... .(followed by a mean criticism)"

And the other way: "(mean criticism)... .but it's not your fault.  I love you for who you are."

She doesn't just do this with me.  I see her do this with EVERYONE.  Typically in emails, she will send a very long winded hurtful rant, and have one final paragraph to try and save face.  Example would be before the wedding, 5+ long paragraphs to a vendor about how he/she screwed up or is upsetting her, followed by the obligatory, "I really like you and hope we can work this out."

Where does this all come from?  I assume that she is of the pessimistic mindset and finds some fault in everyone and everything.  She is also of the mindset where if something is upsetting her, she can't just let it go, she has to say something.  And lastly, when she wants to let someone know, she wants to be explicitly clear, drilling it in over and over.  Now add her self-awareness that she has problems with interpersonal relationships and being mean, and her solution is to somehow combine all of the above, and the result is a rant followed by a nicety as some kind of personal validation that she is not a mean person.   

I really think this is her distorted way of trying to make a criticism sound nice for fear of being labeled a mean person. 

[waverider]

Black and white thinking without deep empathy as to the effect. The "fluffy dog" story on the end is a way of avoiding responsibility for the judgement and playing "just the messenger" role.

I would take as they are not really annoyed with you, just have clumsy ways of bringing things up they have thought about. As Ooom says it can also be a touch of male insensitivity too. We seem to have to learn not to do this rather than it being instinctive.

[Grey Kitty]

One other thought. I was 45 when I found these forums and the lessons here.

Finding about about invalidation and validation was a major moment for me. Yes, the results of not getting it right are immediate and extreme with a pwBPD, but these lessons help a lot in all relationships. If I hadn't found these forums when I suspected my wife had BPD, I might not have figured it out for another 20 or 30 years!

[OffRoad]

Is he purposely phrasing things in a highly negative way to GET me to bicker? Or is it just the way he thinks? Is he trying to come up with a negative in ME because he doesn't want to think about whatever negative he is dealing with about himself at that moment? Has anyone else noticed this sort of thing?

BBM: This. But not quite the way you specify. I don't know if it is BPD related, but it is some kind of personality disorder because it is projecting their upset onto you.  My MIL does this all the time, and I see H do it often as well. It took me a while to figure it out, because MIL would go on and on about some (imagined) major problem I was having, and I only mentioned a minor issue (one that most of us would just say "eh" and move on.) I later found out she was upset about something (sometimes real, sometimes imagined), but her life had to be "happy" all the time, so she couldn't admit to it, and had to make the problem mine so she could be "concerned" for me. It gave her the opportunity to be worried without having to admit something was wrong.

In my mind, if your H gives you a solution to your "problem", he can feel better about his own upset. He can't solve his own problem-his parents moving- but in his mind, he can solve yours.  Especially since yours isn't actually real like his is... .(sarcasm there)

In addition, MIL would also take a problem she had with me, and claim someone else had that problem with me. What she didn't realize is that I'm a person who meets things head on. Example, a nephew had these quarter size raised lumps on his head when he was born. Over the course of his first year, his body absorbed them into the skin, and they became a very pale pink spot (his hair now covers it). As he neared his first birthday and his mother and I were talking about the spots, I commented to his mother about how amazing the body is, that  it could make those spots almost disappear. What I didn't know is that MIL was VERY upset that her grandson even had these spots. Those spots LOOKED bad. (She is very into appearances). She was insulted that I mentioned it, but she said that nephew's mother (SIL) was the one who was insulted by what I said. So, being me, I called nephew's mother the next day and apologized. Nephew's mother was flabbergasted. She wasn't insulted at all, in fact she agreed with me about how amazing the body is. We had a nice conversation and I determined from what SIL said, this wasn't an isolated incident. I finally learned to never tell MIL anything bad or negative.

IMO, it's a projection thing.

[Jessica84]

The "criticism workshops" sounds a lot like the type of psychoanalyzing one learns in therapy. Good for him for practicing! If only he would practice critiquing himself so well, huh? The mirror might be pointing the wrong way.

I'm also wondering... .Could the guys here be right? Could this be classic Venus/Mars behavior where women want to vent, men want to solve whatever we're venting about? Is it possible he meant well, was genuinely trying to help you solve a problem (but maybe way over-explaining it to the point of offending you!)? I'm a fatal optimist. I have a bad habit of looking past the layers of BPD to find the good intentions.

You know him best. My guy doesn't operate like that at all if he's truly TRYING to pick a fight. Sure, he could get frustrated and dysregulate if I don't understand something he said, don't want to hear it, or don't thank him profusely for his unsolicited insight/advice. But if he really was TRYING to fight, he would never end it with something nice. He knows if he put a pretty bow on the end I would become the optimist again, seeing a sweet clumsy idiot just trying to help. If he wanted to bicker, he would far more likely keep pressing my button until I exploded. That way he could pick the fight, but make it my fault somehow.  I don't fall for it as much anymore.

[ColdEthyl]

CE

Sorry... .It may not be BPD.

We (Men) are not the most tactful creatures on earth... .some less than others (Shades of Gray).

You HAVE a right to your feelings tho. If you tell him you appreciate his help but the way he presents it hurts your feelings... .then it escalates into a Dysregulation episode... . well then THAT IS BPD.

My uBPDw does from time to time try to push my buttons... .Examples

1. Sometimes she is frustrated about something she can't do and is projecting (Easily recognized and diffused)

2. Doesn't like the way I'm doing something and complains, not tactfully (Again easily diffused)

3. She is upset about something that happened days ago and will try to "start" something about something un-related

    (This is less recognizable but I catch on quick and eventually diffuse it)

I don't think she is ever "trying"  to start a fight... .to have a fight... .I just think it's the way she communicates.

You may want to look up ASPBERGERS Symptoms. Just to rule it out.

My S10 is Asperger's, I know exactly what that looks like... .and this isn't it. It's possible he might have some characteristics, though. I have noticed myself with the way my son thinks... .I can relate to some of it. My H is diagnosed BPD. When I tell him he's hurting my feelings, it does lead to a dysregulation.

@Offroad

In my mind, if your H gives you a solution to your "problem", he can feel better about his own upset. He can't solve his own problem-his parents moving- but in his mind, he can solve yours.  Especially since yours isn't actually real like his is... .(sarcasm there)

This. This makes sense to me. I love that sarcasm you know it's true... .anything we go through can't possibly compare to anything they do

@Max

She is also of the mindset where if something is upsetting her, she can't just let it go, she has to say something.  And lastly, when she wants to let someone know, she wants to be explicitly clear, drilling it in over and over.

*nods* Mine does this, too. He knows something about everything, and he won't let anyone forget it. He also gets into that pattern of repeating himself over and over.

Black and white thinking without deep empathy as to the effect. The "fluffy dog" story on the end is a way of avoiding responsibility for the judgement and playing "just the messenger" role.

I would take as they are not really annoyed with you, just have clumsy ways of bringing things up they have thought about. As Ooom says it can also be a touch of male insensitivity too. We seem to have to learn not to do this rather than it being instinctive.

Waverider as always says a whole lot in a small amount of words. If he follows up his lecture with a nice closer... .well then I'm being a butt if I'm offended.

@Jessica84 Now that you point that out, I think that's more accurate. Perhaps he isn't trying to fight... .rather that he just communicates his thoughts poorly.

Thank you for the replies, everyone. I need to learn to not get offended. His communication style isn't the best... .and in his mind I'm sure he thinks he's helping.

[Grey Kitty]

I need to learn to not get offended. His communication style isn't the best... .and in his mind I'm sure he thinks he's helping.

Getting hurt/offended is a real feeling you will have at some times. You can't 'learn' not to. You can decide what to do with those feelings.

Bad option #1: Stuff the feelings. They're gonna pop up someplace else later, and probably louder.

Bad option #2: Be vulnerable with your H and explain to him that you are hurt. As you stated, dysregulation follows.

Better option--get support and validation from somebody with more emotional capacity than your husband... .posting here works... .or validate yourself.

[ColdEthyl]

I need to learn to not get offended. His communication style isn't the best... .and in his mind I'm sure he thinks he's helping.

Getting hurt/offended is a real feeling you will have at some times. You can't 'learn' not to. You can decide what to do with those feelings.

Bad option #1: Stuff the feelings. They're gonna pop up someplace else later, and probably louder.

Bad option #2: Be vulnerable with your H and explain to him that you are hurt. As you stated, dysregulation follows.

Better option--get support and validation from somebody with more emotional capacity than your husband... .posting here works... .or validate yourself.

Posting here really helps me a lot, too. I felt that I knew what was going on with this process... .but everyone's insight confirmed it, and shed a slightly different light on it than I had seen.

For me, understanding what's going on provides me with comfort. I suppose what I meant was learning to self-soothe and validate myself. I *know* what he's saying isn't accurate... .so I shouldn't let it bother me. My feelings are not always true, either.

I'm trying to apply this logic with incompetent coworkers. It irritates me to no end... .and I have shot my mouth off a few times in frustration. Not a good move on my part. I'm working on finding a balance in myself to not emotionally react to everything.

[Jessica84]

Co-workers. Ugh. When I deal with idiots at work, (and I do!) I try to imagine myself in a bubble. I call this my "zen bubble". No one can penetrate it and steal my peace. ohmmmmmmm... . 

Ok, it doesn't always work, but when it does I laugh and laugh at those inferior beings from my safe bubble, high on my soapbox feeling all superior. Of course, I do none of this in front of anyone... .so I look like a team player.

[Jessica84]

I keep little quotes on my wall in front of my computer as a reminder when dealing with difficult people at work... So to be clear, I'm not saying it applies to pwBPD. Not at all. In fact, I share these with my BPDbf since we deal with some of the same mean, ruthless, petty (sometimes stupid) people at work... .Even I paint them black!

This one gives me some peace, and I think him too. Maybe you will find it helpful as well:

"Why? Because some people are just terrible human beings, and terrible people do terrible things. If you're racking your brain trying to understand it, it just means you're not one of those terrible people."

Puts me right back on my high horse so I can ride away from whatever drama they're bringing!

[gomez_addams]

I see this happening in both ways:

"I love you and don't mean to sound critical, but... .(followed by a mean criticism)"

And the other way: "(mean criticism)... .but it's not your fault.  I love you for who you are."

I get this, too.  "... .this wasn't meant to be critical" or "... .it's just an observation."  When it's via e-mail, I get "if you could see and hear me now, you'd see that I'm completely calm and my tone of voice is calm, too." 

In person I get told that she'll "just have to learn to be happy with a husband who XYZ"... .  That's also just an "observation"... .

Gomez

[ColdEthyl]

I keep little quotes on my wall in front of my computer as a reminder when dealing with difficult people at work... So to be clear, I'm not saying it applies to pwBPD. Not at all. In fact, I share these with my BPDbf since we deal with some of the same mean, ruthless, petty (sometimes stupid) people at work... .Even I paint them black!

This one gives me some peace, and I think him too. Maybe you will find it helpful as well:

"Why? Because some people are just terrible human beings, and terrible people do terrible things. If you're racking your brain trying to understand it, it just means you're not one of those terrible people."

Puts me right back on my high horse so I can ride away from whatever drama they're bringing!

HAHA! I've got several quotes around my desk trying to help myself. They are both Dalai Lama quotes:

"When you think everything is someone else's fault, you will suffer a lot. When you realize that everything springs only from yourself, you will learn both peace and joy"

"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others, and if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them."

I also took the suggestion from another poster here and posted a copy of ":)esiderata" and read it everyday. I've gone 2 months so far without shooting my mouth off... .so I'm doing better

I have also been saying things I want to say to them angrily, but instead I am making a sarcastic joke out of it that we both end up laughing at... .but I'm the one who knows I meant it :P I'm a slightly terrible human D:

[Jessica84]

Those are good!

I'm a slightly terrible human being too. I try not to be passive-aggressive, but I find it a better alternative to being all-out aggressive. Sarcasm is one way... done right it can also be disarming. One co-worker shared this one with me: "Unhappy people like conflict. Let them be unhappy". What a concept! Made me realize it was not my job to please everyone.

[ColdEthyl]

Those are good!

I'm a slightly terrible human being too. I try not to be passive-aggressive, but I find it a better alternative to being all-out aggressive. Sarcasm is one way... done right it can also be disarming. One co-worker shared this one with me: "Unhappy people like conflict. Let them be unhappy". What a concept! Made me realize it was not my job to please everyone.

I think it comes from our right/wrong black/white leaning thinking. I know what's right... .how to treat people... .and when others don't treat me or other people the same... .it gets under my craw.  It's one of the reasons why I can understand my husband and my S10 with Asperger's and their lines of thinking, but darn it if I can't figure out how to stop it myself.

I've also started reflecting and wondering if I'm one of those people who "one ups" a story. I don't mean to... .my goal is to share and show that I can relate to the other person. But, now that I am wondering if my sharing is the same as "One upping"... .I honestly don't know the difference. Now I know EXACTLY how my H and S feel sometimes :P

[Jessica84]

Yep I can relate. And I never really thought about that before - I guess it's why I can relate to him so well too?

When people are wrong I have a tendency to call them on it. You can imagine how well this goes in a BPD relationship... .KABOOM! I've had to learn to choose my battles A LOT more carefully! Most people never reacted the way he does so I guess I've gotten away with it all my life. 

I decided I don't like walking on eggshells (who am I kidding? these are landmines!) so I've learned to control this bad trait of mine. The hard part is letting people's poor judgments, mistakes, rude behaviors, stupidity, etc... .get to me. The quotes help. Gives me a healthier more zenlike state of mind: not my monkeys, not my circus.

[ColdEthyl]

Yep I can relate. And I never really thought about that before - I guess it's why I can relate to him so well too?

When people are wrong I have a tendency to call them on it. You can imagine how well this goes in a BPD relationship... .KABOOM! I've had to learn to choose my battles A LOT more carefully! Most people never reacted the way he does so I guess I've gotten away with it all my life. 

I decided I don't like walking on eggshells (who am I kidding? these are landmines!) so I've learned to control this bad trait of mine. The hard part is letting people's poor judgments, mistakes, rude behaviors, stupidity, etc... .get to me. The quotes help. Gives me a healthier more zenlike state of mind: not my monkeys, not my circus.

Girl, I'm fighting that good fight myself. Things like... .people who drive poorly, who leave their baskets in the checkout lanes, people who let their kids run a muck in stores... .grinds my gears. >.< Somehow, I have to get it through my thick skull that I have no control over other's bad behaviors. I think learning to deal with my H is helping me with that lesson across the board... but it's a slow, painful process for me.

If you notice, a lot of us on here seem to have similar personality traits. We are usually fixers, analytic thinkers, introverts... .I'm sure there's match making in the works here

[Jessica84]

Stupid people doing stupid things is no longer a shock to my system.

Irrational people doing irrational things still baffles me. That's why I'm here I guess. 

[waverider]

If you add it, or "one up" a tale a pwBPD is telling not only does it steal their limelight but you are displaying a "perceived" greater knowledge on the subject. This is seen as a threat as their version probably has a dose of oversell and BS in it.

Anyone who appears more knowledgeable on a subject is an exposure risk, so their "credentials" on the subject needs to be trashed.

[waverider]

Girl, I'm fighting that good fight myself. Things like... .people who drive poorly, who leave their baskets in the checkout lanes, people who let their kids run a muck in stores... .grinds my gears. >.< Somehow, I have to get it through my thick skull that I have no control over other's bad behaviors. I think learning to deal with my H is helping me with that lesson across the board... but it's a slow, painful process for me.

Its a good lesson in learning to let people be, and concentrate on stuff that actually is important to us. Worrying about what someone else is doing is often a way of projection, a way of distracting us from having to deal with our own issues and make us feel better about ourselves by worrying about what someone else is doing "I would never act like that/never allow that to happen/how could they?"... .Now having learned a bit more about ourselves we are changing to "maybe I should act this way/ learn to accept you are not me/ I can see how people have different priorities... ' An all together more positive and uplifting way to live your life.

It is quite easy to see that the "grumpy pants" people are often covering up insecurities by running down anyone, or anything that is different.

[ColdEthyl]

Girl, I'm fighting that good fight myself. Things like... .people who drive poorly, who leave their baskets in the checkout lanes, people who let their kids run a muck in stores... .grinds my gears. >.< Somehow, I have to get it through my thick skull that I have no control over other's bad behaviors. I think learning to deal with my H is helping me with that lesson across the board... but it's a slow, painful process for me.

Its a good lesson in learning to let people be, and concentrate on stuff that actually is important to us. Worrying about what someone else is doing is often a way of projection, a way of distracting us from having to deal with our own issues and make us feel better about ourselves by worrying about what someone else is doing "I would never act like that/never allow that to happen/how could they?"... .Now having learned a bit more about ourselves we are changing to "maybe I should act this way/ learn to accept you are not me/ I can see how people have different priorities... ' An all together more positive and uplifting way to live your life.

It is quite easy to see that the "grumpy pants" people are often covering up insecurities by running down anyone, or anything that is different.

I can see that... .I do feel superior to people who behave that way. Now... .why I do it... or how to stop... .not sure. I will have to bring this up in T. I'm guessing it's all self esteem related... .or lack there of.

If you add it, or "one up" a tale a pwBPD is telling not only does it steal their limelight but you are displaying a "perceived" greater knowledge on the subject. This is seen as a threat as their version probably has a dose of oversell and BS in it.

Anyone who appears more knowledgeable on a subject is an exposure risk, so their "credentials" on the subject needs to be trashed.

Dude... .dang it DANG IT that's spot on. *sighs*

[an0ught]

That's my question. Any time he does these little "criticism workshops" as I call it, it always starts out mean... . then he tries to finish nicely. Usually when he does this, I don't take it well. We bicker about it, I try to tell him he's hurting my feelings, and in his view he's going to end it with something nice... . so if I would just let him finish... . etc etc

Is he purposely phrasing things in a highly negative way to GET me to bicker? Or is it just the way he thinks? Is he trying to come up with a negative in ME because he doesn't want to think about whatever negative he is dealing with about himself at that moment? Has anyone else noticed this sort of thing?

It is the way he thinks or maybe better how his thinking is connected to what he says. Somewhere in this process things are twisted. He does this not purposely but instinctively/habitually invalidates others. It serves a "purpose" in the way that BPD works. Him invalidating you causes you to get upset and makes in turn you more likely to invalidate him. This is a stable but destructive dynamic. The healthy stable alternative is one partner validates the other and gets validated back.

Him un-learning invalidation takes a lot of time as this behavior is instinctive. Us being a good role model makes a big difference. Us validating not only provides short term relief but helps our partners to adopt healthy communication patterns.

[ColdEthyl]

That's my question. Any time he does these little "criticism workshops" as I call it, it always starts out mean... . then he tries to finish nicely. Usually when he does this, I don't take it well. We bicker about it, I try to tell him he's hurting my feelings, and in his view he's going to end it with something nice... . so if I would just let him finish... . etc etc

Is he purposely phrasing things in a highly negative way to GET me to bicker? Or is it just the way he thinks? Is he trying to come up with a negative in ME because he doesn't want to think about whatever negative he is dealing with about himself at that moment? Has anyone else noticed this sort of thing?

It is the way he thinks or maybe better how his thinking is connected to what he says. Somewhere in this process things are twisted. He does this not purposely but instinctively/habitually invalidates others. It serves a "purpose" in the way that BPD works. Him invalidating you causes you to get upset and makes in turn you more likely to invalidate him. This is a stable but destructive dynamic. The healthy stable alternative is one partner validates the other and gets validated back.

Him un-learning invalidation takes a lot of time as this behavior is instinctive. Us being a good role model makes a big difference. Us validating not only provides short term relief but helps our partners to adopt healthy communication patterns.

I never thought of this angle. It would makes sense, given his thought process. He does think he's smarter than everyone... . or rather he HAS to be smarter than everyone for HIM to feel merit. His advice is usually because he has some knowledge he wants to share. For him, sharing that information validates him.

I need to keep this in mind, and react accordingly. Thank you!

[hergestridge]

My BPD exwife used to spend a lot of time pointing out irritating features in her parents, completely oblivious to the fact that she had most of them herself. It drove me to a similiar behavior to the one described in this post, although I'm not the one with BPD.

The "nice ending" is probably something made up on the fly when he's noticed you're hurt.

[an0ught]

The "nice ending" is probably something made up on the fly when he's noticed you're hurt.

Yes and this is following the normal pattern:

pwBPD angry--> invalidates non --> non angry --> non displays angry emotion -> pwBPD negative emotions are validated and pwBPD regulates. Calm pwBPD figure out that non is sad and want to get non to feel the also calm and happy.

Becoming aware of how emotions are transfered between the partners enables us to retake control of our own emotions.

[ColdEthyl]

My BPD exwife used to spend a lot of time pointing out irritating features in her parents, completely oblivious to the fact that she had most of them herself. It drove me to a similiar behavior to the one described in this post, although I'm not the one with BPD.

The "nice ending" is probably something made up on the fly when he's noticed you're hurt.

I figured this as well. He does a lot of "Just joking!" Once he realizes he has said something hurtful, or if I give him a 'what the heck are you talking about' look. It's almost knee-jerk the way he does it.

[Jessica84]

Oh I hate the "just joking"! It only seems to become a joke after we get offended or upset. It's completely invalidating - like now we're upset for apparently no good reason.

At the least the joking comment is an attempt to calm things down... . My bf seems to look for ways to pick a fight - he especially tries to make me jealous, like he wants to provoke some kind of negative reaction from me. Seems more than the push/pull? I don't know. This is one behavior I really wish I understood... . so I could stop taking the bait.

[OffRoad]

pwBPD angry--> invalidates non --> non angry --> non displays angry emotion -> pwBPD negative emotions are validated and pwBPD regulates. Calm pwBPD figure out that non is sad and want to get non to feel the also calm and happy.

Becoming aware of how emotions are transfered between the partners enables us to retake control of our own emotions.

WOW!^^^^This. This completely makes sense! This used to drive me insane, that he'd pick a fight, then after he finally found someway to make me angry (and he'd have to work at it some days), he's calmed down and expects me to be all hunky dory, too. Meantime, I'm a basket case, because he kept upping the ante with his fight picking until I'd react. Accusing me of something I didn't do, and when I calmly said I didn't do X, he'd ignore me then claim I never said I hadn't done X 5 minutes later.  That always seemed to do it until recently when I finally got that he was pulling the accusation out of the air to get a rise out of me to make himself feel better.

We need more diagrams like that^^.

[an0ught]

We need more diagrams like that^^.

Since you asked 



More diagrams and the explanatory text in: Staying 101 - From joining via coping to thriving