Do your exes know they are BPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am new here and I was just wondering about those of you posting here.  Do/did your exes know that their behaviors are/were BPD? 

After 16+ years with my exBPDbf, I started figuring some things out and the more I started reading about BPD, I was more convinced, without a doubt, this explained 95% of the problems in the relationship.  I tried suggesting to him what I figured out but he blew up and basically made me feel like I was the crazy one for even suggesting it. Even during his rages, when he went from "You are a b___, you are never going to find anyone to love you", etc  TO "please don't give up on us, I love you, I need you, I've never loved anyone like you!" he still couldn't see how erratic his behavior was.   I dropped the topic with him but for the next year and a half, the information totally fit everything I was experiencing with him.  But there is no way he will ever accept or admit any of this... .

So, just wondering about your experience.  Was my exBPDbf just extremely hard-headed?

[sbr1050]

I am new here and I was just wondering about those of you posting here.  Do/did your exes know that their behaviors are/were BPD? 

After 16+ years with my exBPDbf, I started figuring some things out and the more I started reading about BPD, I was more convinced, without a doubt, this explained 95% of the problems in the relationship.  I tried suggesting to him what I figured out but he blew up and basically made me feel like I was the crazy one for even suggesting it. Even during his rages, when he went from "You are a b___, you are never going to find anyone to love you", etc  TO "please don't give up on us, I love you, I need you, I've never loved anyone like you!" he still couldn't see how erratic his behavior was.   I dropped the topic with him but for the next year and a half, the information totally fit everything I was experiencing with him.  But there is no way he will ever accept or admit any of this... .

So, just wondering about your experience.  Was my exBPDbf just extremely hard-headed?

[raisins3142]

No, mine blames everything on PTSD.  Funny that PTSD and BPD have similar symptoms and most of her blood relatives also claim to have PTSD.  In reality, I think they are all cluster Bs.

[ADecadeLost]

Mine knew.  Early in the relationship, I left her and told her I wouldn't come back unless she sought help.  She did, and, though she did not reveal the diagnosis to me for a few years, was diagnosed with BPD.  Unfortunately, the psychiatrist she was seeing did not specialize in personality disorders.  As a result, she was given medication and that was it.  It was only a year prior to our divorce that she finally found a psychiatrist who specialized in DBT and began trying to address it.

[Infern0]

Yes but she doesn't do anything about it.

She tries to adress the symptoms  (eating disorder,  depression) while ignoring the cause.

She doesn't even know much about BPD and thinks she can beat it on her own without therapy.

It's sad

[fromheeltoheal]

"You are a b___, you are never going to find anyone to love you", etc  TO "please don't give up on us, I love you, I need you, I've never loved anyone like you!" he still couldn't see how erratic his behavior was.

That's so common there's a book called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me"

but for the next year and a half, the information totally fit everything I was experiencing with him.  But there is no way he will ever accept or admit any of this... .

Congrats for putting up with it as long as you did.  If I hung around my ex that long one of us would be dead, for sure.

Was my exBPDbf just extremely hard-headed?

If he truly does have the disorder, and if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it's probably a duck, he doesn't know he has it and couldn't articulate it.  BPD gets wired into the personality at such an early stage in development that there's no way someone has the reasoning power or maturity to know what's going on, it just becomes part of 'who they are', and what he experiences are emotions that come out of the disorder without a conscious awareness of the framework underneath.  Plus, hearing that you have a mental illness would be tough, for anyone, it would rock your entire world, and with the extreme emotions and defense mechanisms of a borderline, there's no way that could end well, it will come back at whomever said it, which it did for you.

[ASD]

My SO was recently diagnosed.  A therapist I went to for help to survive suggested to me she had BPD.  I started reading about it slowly over a couple of years.  About a year ago I suggested to her therapist (who I also see because my SO thinks I am the crazy one, little does she know I go and talk about her and how I can survive her) that she has BPD.  He listened to me and must have agreed with me because she came home one day and said he had given her a quiz.  She scored 8/9 on a BPD diagnosis questionnaire.  That was the only time she's mentioned it.  I brought it up a few weeks ago, asked whether she had ever read more about it and that made me the Devil (again) for labeling her.  She knows but doesn't admit it internally and doesn't take any steps to address it.  She, like Infern0's SO, tries to treat her depression and eating disorders (half heartedly) and takes meds that she expects to cure everything.

[tholian]

Nope. i don't think she knows. there was an ex of her who was still trying to get her back when we were together, and she told me he was bipolar, that's why he cant leave her alone. so, as usual, it's everyone else fault.

[tim_tom]

Not that it's BPD, but she knows there is something wrong with her... I once early in the relationship called her crazy and she lost her mind, then towards the end I suggested therapy for us and she completely wigged "I'M NOT CRAZZZY!"

Any suggestion by anyone that she was less then perfect would cause major defensiveness or obsession. She was very protective of her light grasp on her own sanity / beign a good person

[StarOfTheSea]

My exBPDbf knows to a certain degree that there's something wrong with him. He is aware that he's done some evil things in his life, but on the other hand he doesn't  realize how sick his actions are. He's  a very morose person who walks around  with a lot of Catholic -style guilt and he prays. In our last conversation he told me that he worries about me and prays for me every day. (Whatever. )

I know he has depression but won't seek treatment. He has abused drugs and alcohol  in the past; he started drinking again shortly before I left. His new fiancee is an old gf  he used to do coke and drink with. He self-medicates with food and cigarettes; so yeah, definitely an addictive personality. He would regularly have nightmares and would get painful skin boils, he thought that they happened because it was his 'badness' coming  out.

He used to speak disparagingly  of his ex wife because she has a psych history and takes a lot of meds. When she was suicidal he told her to "just kill herself already". I never told him about my history of depression or that I resumed taking Prozac and was seeing a T after we lost our baby.  I never trusted him not to turn on me if he knew.

But yeah, just like everyone else's BPD nothing was his fault. The rest of the world was always wrong and f-ed up.

[sun seeker]

   Hello sbr

My exBPDgf was diagnosed with BPD. Her family has spent over 150,000 dollars on treatment so far. Thats sum  includes several stays in rehab for alcoholism , and therapist, since she was a teenager she is now thirty years old , and has shown  absolutely NO progress in healing.

She actually found most of her orbiters in rehab. As I spent every weekend driving an hour one way to pick her up on sunday. She was allowed a four hour outing. Then she was sent to a different rehab where she was allowed to come and go as she pleased. I found out through snooping through her phone and social media after some odd behavior started to show. ( lieing and disappearing)  That she was actually cheating on me in both rehabs with guys and females.

If any of you think there is any hope for a BPD r/s you couldnt be more wrong.



        I have learned some great lessons from some f***ed up people! (myself included)

                                                                                              Sunseeker

[JRT]

No way: all of her problems were as a result of of her tormentors as she is a perennial victim. She never even openly speculated that there might be something wrong with her.

It took me about 3 months to put the pieces together to figure out that she was a BPD.

[Ripped Heart]

exN/BPDw doesn't know and won't ever know. The NPD plays a big part in stopping her from understanding and it's always someone elses fault.

exBPDgf knows and does try hard to do things about it but reaches a point where she says it becomes too painful for her and she goes into a downward spiral of depression instead.

Of the 2, I have most sympathy and empathy towards exBPDgf because at least she tries and does have a small understanding. The reason we still communicate now is that I'm the only person who accepts her for who she is and she can be herself around me. I find that kind of sad because she feels she has to wear a mask for everyone else because she's afraid of being judged by others for something she has no control over at times.

[Restored2]

Mine didn't appear to know that she had BPD.  She certainly didn't mention anything to me, other than that she knew that she had alot of baggage from her previous abuses.  I believe that if she had of known that she was BPD then we both would have been further ahead in our relationship with each other. 

[Infared]

I did not know about BPD until well after she left me. She is not diagnosed. She did go to therapy for a short time after she ran off with my replacement... .at the urging of myself and her stepmother... .but she told the therapist many lies (LOL... No surprise there!)... .so no diagnoses was made. The therapist was well below grade, too as far as I am concerned.

I believe she is BPD as everything about that disease described exactly what I had been through. She does refer to herself as psycho at times as if saying that just let's her off the hook for all of her lies and her cruelty.

She is very sucessful at manipulating people and very crafty and an expert liar... .so I do not see her changing anytime soon... .It really works well for her.

[hoaianhcameron]

I think my exBPDbf knew but he never told me directly! He hinted alot of symptoms and that was why i found BPD as exactly what was going on   

[Mutt]

My ex doesn't know or give me the sense that she's aware there's something off.

I have seldom heard her talk of her true feelings.  She had suicidal ideation; and I was the source of her sadness and emptiness.

[mitatsu]

  She had suicidal ideation; and I was the source of her sadness and emptiness.

Think mine had the same... .so many threats over the last 5 months but i believe anyone could of been that trigger in my position i was just too close and knew too much 

[JPH]

I think that, at the time we dated, she knew something was wrong about her. However, her self-awareness came and went pretty quickly. For example, in the same conversation she said to me, "I need help" and "You need help." Usually the disorder ruled her thoughts and actions.

[mitatsu]

Oh also my ex once did one of those facebook buzzfeed quizes and got Bpd as a result she looked at it for 5 mins turned to me and said... 'thats what i've got is'nt it?' i replied maybe but its not a proper diagnosis maybe then she was admitting and maybe me agreeing was the beginging of the end 

[raisins3142]

Mine went to a therapist for a year or so that was really a masters degree student doing her rotations at a 3rd rate public university.  She thinks this was a great turning point for her.

She was diagnosed with PTSD.  I believe it is because she really spun out after a rape at 19.  So, you get raped and then afterwards your crazy is worse?  PTSD is a pretty common label to slap on that.  14 years later and she's still claiming PTSD for everything, doing nothing about it but using that as a get out of jail free card because who can blame you if the reason you act badly is because you were raped?

I wouldn't be surprised if in her 80s she upsets someone and then tells them it is because of her PTSD triggered more than 60 years ago.

[Mutt]

She was diagnosed with PTSD.  I believe it is because she really spun out after a rape at 19.  So, you get raped and then afterwards your crazy is worse?  PTSD is a pretty common label to slap on that. 

I'm sorry she had to go through that.

It could of been a stressor that returned past trauma; a re-enactment of trauma and prior abandonment.

[raisins3142]

She was diagnosed with PTSD.  I believe it is because she really spun out after a rape at 19.  So, you get raped and then afterwards your crazy is worse?  PTSD is a pretty common label to slap on that. 

I'm sorry she had to go through that.

It could of been a stressor that returned past trauma; a re-enactment of trauma and prior abandonment.

Thanks.

Based upon the stories of her past, she had serious issues her whole life.

After the rape, is when she started cutting herself and sought therapy.  She was then diagnosed PTSD.  I think that label fit somewhat, but part of me thinks it as a horrible diagnoses for her.  She waves it like a get out of jail free card. Also, several other people in her family with cluster B traits claim PTSD.

[outside9x]

Yep mine took the PTSD route.  Blame it all on past husbands, and family!  Also blame parents but rightfully so but never saw the need to treat her raging, bullying, and projections etc, etc, etc.

[anxiety5]

I did not know about BPD until well after she left me. She is not diagnosed. She did go to therapy for a short time after she ran off with my replacement... .at the urging of myself and her stepmother... .but she told the therapist many lies (LOL... No surprise there!)... .so no diagnoses was made. The therapist was well below grade, too as far as I am concerned.

I believe she is BPD as everything about that disease described exactly what I had been through. She does refer to herself as psycho at times as if saying that just let's her off the hook for all of her lies and her cruelty.

She is very sucessful at manipulating people and very crafty and an expert liar... .so I do not see her changing anytime soon... .It really works well for her.

When I first started dating my now ex, I had this odd feeling of similarity to my previous relationship. Now mind you, I took 2 years off from dating so to feel this strange vibe was very odd. As red flag/oddities happened, it made me realize there is more to it so I went in search of information after the first "what the heck" moment. 

I stumbled upon a website about narcissistic females and I must have had to pick up my jaw. It's like reading every aspect of our relationship but the writer does not know us. I actually called her out on it when I found out she cheated on me. So I know she is aware of it.

Here is the thing though. These people (cluster B's) have a false ego/facade as you know. The only vibrations they even pay any attention to are the ones that mirror their falsities back to them through positive reinforcement of their grandiosity.  All others are minimized mitigated ignored deflected discredited. Essentially devalued BEFORE an actual idealization. That's to say, if they don't put them on a pedestal they are deemed inferior to begin with. Secondly, this is a learned behavioral trait through either necessity/desperation or mirroring what their family of origin life was like. Where one BPD/NPD rests, there is not one far from it. So, with this principle understood, the family of origin in my case acted as the protectorate to her disorder. When you discredit any source except a source that deems you perfect, it's hard to take anything from said devalued source to heart. So essentially the little bubble they create is their World and they take careful subconscious measures to not allow anything to burst that bubble. 

It's kind of like a mental aspect of the theory of relativity. For non disordered people our perspective relative to the disordered is clearly distinguished and obvious. But, to the disordered it's not quite the same picture. 

The truth is in the perspective from which you view it. To them, you not participating in their nonsense makes you crazy.

It's a fruitless and pointless distinction. The only truth lies in their utter destruction of personal relationships. And likewise, that's the only sliver of hope that will ever get them help.