How do you know painted black

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

How do you know if you are painted black, does that always mean they cut you off completely or do they still want you around. I'm just confused because I know it's either black or white but I feel like I am in a grey area... .Every time we have broken up due to something completely minor it has lasted a day or two and never really felt over. Maybe it just takes time for them to completely cut you off and I'm waiting for the inevitable.

[Johnsok]

How do you know if you are painted black, does that always mean they cut you off completely or do they still want you around. I'm just confused because I know it's either black or white but I feel like I am in a grey area... .Every time we have broken up due to something completely minor it has lasted a day or two and never really felt over. Maybe it just takes time for them to completely cut you off and I'm waiting for the inevitable.

[mitatsu]

Each break up adds to their angst against you their trust gets less and less until boom the biggie comes

they are testing how forgiving you are and how far they can push and how quick you will be hooked back

maybe time to decide if thats what you deserve out of life my friend

stay strong we are all here for you 

[Mutt]

Hi Johnsok,



I was split black for just over 2 years and not every person with BPD will split someone black like me ex did. She was telling people I was emotionally, physically and financially abusive to her family and friends for several months. It was followed with intense anger and vitriol and little to no contact.

She has a false sense and wears different masks and the mask came off. She's still mostly avoidant 2 years later because it's hard for her to see me and likely feels guilt and shame for her actions. I'm split white for now and she does from time to time try to bait or stir things up due to her sadness and grief. I also think it's for attention and to test my emotional attachment and illicit a response.

It was a distortion campaign and an emotional barrage and not the same intensity of behavior I had experienced in the r/s or with anyone else in real life.

Is triggering her fear of abandonment and she tries to abandon you because she thinks you'll abandon her; perceived or real?

That type of split black?

Has she pushed you away and for how long?

[Johnsok]

So I guess I'm still new to all of this so forgive me for not knowing all the terms and everything that goes along with BPD. I am the one that is always breaking it off with my fiancé due to something he has done that has upset me and instead of just being honest always has to lie. Of course I always give in and go back. I think his fear of abandonment can not be complety valid but he could be going off of things that have happened in the past and always says to me I never put my all into him or gave him that trust he needed

[Mutt]

Sorry I got that wrong and mitatsu's right.

He's testing the limits of your boundaries and often we try harder to make our partners happy.

[mitatsu]

So I guess I'm still new to all of this so forgive me for not knowing all the terms and everything that goes along with BPD. I am the one that is always breaking it off with my fiancé due to something he has done that has upset me and instead of just being honest always has to lie. Of course I always give in and go back. I think his fear of abandonment can not be complety valid but he could be going off of things that have happened in the past and always says to me I never put my all into him or gave him that trust he needed

Hi    You may wish to look at why you feel the need to keep 'leaving' (i was the same but never knew of Bpd so was just giving her space to sort her head out) as this will erode their trust in you and confirm that you are a 'leaver' so they cannot count on you... .but do you want this kind of dynamic in a relationship? do you want to watch what you say or do all the time or do you want someone who will accept your faults as you do theirs and be able to deal with things like a adult not a 3 yr old?

we are here for you 

[wanttoknowmore]

The push -pull behavior starts escalating... .she starts saying frequently ."I can't come today I have headache"  "I am tired" "May be on Thursday" "I need some rest... don't call"

And then, arguments come, fault finding comes and then, BIG BANG... .I don't think our relationship can work... .lets move on... .I want peace and happiness. Please dont bother to call or texts me.  You call BUT no response... .silent treatment ! Man;;;;;sorry... .you are painted black.

[eyvindr]

Exactly this.

Well said, mitatsu.

You may wish to look at why you feel the need to keep 'leaving' (i was the same but never knew of Bpd so was just giving her space to sort her head out) as this will erode their trust in you and confirm that you are a 'leaver' so they cannot count on you... .but do you want this kind of dynamic in a relationship? do you want to watch what you say or do all the time or do you want someone who will accept your faults as you do theirs and be able to deal with things like a adult not a 3 yr old?