Adjusting to no support / or back up person

[Sunfl0wer]

Idk... .just need to vent I guess.

It has been three wks now that we are broken up.  Situations that did not occur to me ... .now surface.  And I have to continue to find new ways to deal with things... .that otherwise would be "delegated" to him.

Today my uNPD/BPDexbf... .showed up for some remainder things.  Not an issue, ... it was all planned, all went well.

My son... .was anxious tho.  And not himself all day.  So tonight... .he decided to go for a jog... .10:40 PM... .likely to work off some of his tension and help him relax before bed.  Well... .11:15 he calls me... .he is too ill to make it home.  (He has several health issues). Luckily, he got me just in time as I was about to crash in teen mins. 

Now had my ex still lived with us... .at least my son would have a back up person to call.

Idk... .I'm so distraught at the thought of what would have happens had I fallen asleep and not been able to drive out to get him.  He says he would have waited for stranger help... .but it is raining! And dark, And late!  Likely... .no one would pass by him.  So he said his plan C was calling 911.  Heck, crap, that is just so upsetting me now that no one but 911 could help him!

We damn sure need more support!   I did tell him to be mindful, now that exBF is no longer available for back up... .he needs to behave more cautious... .but crap... .to think he would need to call on a stranger or 911 for help just brought to surface for me how f****d up our situation is to not have support.

Yup... .time to get more support. :/. I just needed to scream that!  Thx guys!

[going places]

It is an adjustment.

*I have to take my cars (mine and 3 kids) to mechanics now (VERY expensive) instead of ex working on them.

*I cannot just "take time off work". If I don't work, I don't make money. If I don't make money, bills don't get paid... .

It used to throw me into a spin "why did he do this, this would not be happening if he had not ______, and on and on.

Now? (It's been 10 months since the divorce was final)

I don't even think about him.

Something goes wrong, *I* figure it out.

You will have to be more pro-active (like no jogging after dark, or in places where no one is around).

You will have to do more planning.

It's an adjustment, but it's do able!

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you Going places,

I was a bit shook up last night at the thought of him accidentally getting taken to hospital vs home and having to look for him/pick him up the next day from the hospital for no reason other than I fell asleep.

And, yes, I will need to think about things we do that we take for granted, that need to be adjusted... .I'm sure there are more things like that likely to pop up in the next year.

Yes, the after dark, and where pple are around rules are definitely good.  He also could use a med alert necklace/bracelet.

I think today, we will talk through some scenarios to see what options he has if he is ever in a situation where he cannot reach me but also having a medical issue.  For example, if he DID decide 911 was the only thing possible, he could request a patrol car vs ambulance and see if they would be willing to just give him a ride home to take care of himself. 

[hope2727]

Yes sunflower it is hard. I have struggled with this for many years. I had my elderly mom living with me for the past many years and as she was my partner in crime for the 2 decades. But as mom's health failed I found myself struggling more and more. When my expwBPD cam into my life it was such a huge relief to have someone to turn to. To his credit he was amazing for a long time. When he left me I felt so alone as my mom had just gone to live with my sibling. Her medical care is overwhelming now and I woke full time and attended university. Suddenly I was alone. Totally alone. It is scary.

Now having said that I have reached out to several old friends. 3 have stood by me. I have made several new friends. I have changed my routines. I have always been super capable but i have had to adjust. I run on my lunch at work now. Its a smaller, safer community and I could call work in an emergency. I rented a rom to a young man to have some income and I ask him for help with physical jobs. I have reached out to all my friends with trades to help with renos and fix ups.

It is hard. But it is what we have to do. I miss my ex. I don't run at night or home anymore. I live essentially alone. I am lonely. I am often sad and scared but I will not stop living just because he didn't know how good he had it.

Tonight is the premier of our favourite show. I am cooking a special meal and feeding my tenant. This is all after a long hard day of work. I refuse to stop living. I am just learning to be creative and safe.

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you Hope,

Your story helps me to understand bring to surface my feelings that I'm dealing with and brings me some clarity for that.  Here is what I have just come up with... .

I feel alone again as a single mom, this feels a bit scary.

I miss not having someone to talk to about my son.  I am not just my son's parent, I am also his caregiver. (He has a disability)  The feeling of being alone, feels more lonely as a caregiver... .as it is an area of my life that I do not get to share as often as I feel I need.  Other parents can relate to one another, chat and talk freely about there teen and relate, I cannot as I would also have to define what I mean in terms of his disability.  For example, I can be proud that my son went for a jog at all, this has different meaning for me, a "regular" parent would not understand the meaning of this for me without me explaining it.

I feel angry that without a partner makes me feel more vulnerable.  I am not angry at him btw, just angry that this feels like the truth in some ways.

Thanks again for sharing guys, I know that I can and will do what needs to be done.  However, stating it acknowledging my own thoughts and feelings does help me to understand my experience better and get there smoother. 

[Pingo]

Hi Sunflower, I can relate to what you and goingplaces are going through. Although I consider myself an independent, capable woman, I am also insecure and unsure about some things that I let my ex take care of, such as maintenance and repair of my vehicle. Not only is it more costly now bc I have to take my car to the repair shop, but if I'm stranded bc it breaks down I can't just call him up to come help me. Or even travelling is more nerve wracking going solo now bc if I'm in the middle of no where with no cell range, I'm hooped... .before I'd trust my ex would be capable of dealing with the issue, which he did many times as we did lots of off-roading. 

I try to be mindful of my insecurities and see them as a challenge rather than a thing to avoid... .When I automatically think 'oh I can't do that' I ask myself 'why can't I do that?... .what do I need to do or learn in order to do that?'.  There is a lot more planning involved as I now have to depend solely on myself. It's a big responsibility that I enjoyed sharing with someone else but I accept the challenge. I don't want to stop living my life out of fear.  As time goes on (been 10 mths since we BU) it is getting easier and I'm taking more chances. Sunflower, you'll settle into a new 'normal'... .it just takes time.

[going places]

Thank you Hope,

Your story helps me to understand bring to surface my feelings that I'm dealing with and brings me some clarity for that.  Here is what I have just come up with... .

I feel alone again as a single mom, this feels a bit scary.

My kids are grown (24,23,21) but I raised them (their father has the maturity of a 13 yo boy so... . ) and they can stand on their own two feet; but I struggle with they don't 'need' me like they used too.

Everyone tells me this is a normal transition when kids "leave the nest".

I miss not having someone to talk to about my son.  I am not just my son's parent, I am also his caregiver. (He has a disability)  The feeling of being alone, feels more lonely as a caregiver... . as it is an area of my life that I do not get to share as often as I feel I need.  Other parents can relate to one another, chat and talk freely about there teen and relate, I cannot as I would also have to define what I mean in terms of his disability.  For example, I can be proud that my son went for a jog at all, this has different meaning for me, a "regular" parent would not understand the meaning of this for me without me explaining it.

Is there a group / support group for your son's particular disability, where you could be with like-moms?

That might be helpful for you, if for nothing else, to be around folks who share the same struggles / victories?

I feel angry that without a partner makes me feel more vulnerable.  I am not angry at him btw, just angry that this feels like the truth in some ways.

I am taking a defensive shooting class tomorrow.

I am going to ask my mechanic if I can watch when they replace the brakes and rotors on my daughters car so I can do it myself from now on.

Some days, it's debilitating; the feeling of vulnerabitlity... .

Others, I grab it by the horns, and master it.

Thanks again for sharing guys, I know that I can and will do what needs to be done.  However, stating it acknowledging my own thoughts and feelings does help me to understand my experience better and get there smoother. 

Hugs hugs hugs.

I don't know about you, but I am a tough ole broad, and I will figure it out.

[Sunfl0wer]

Well, this is certainly an adjustment. It's been three/four weeks now, little things keep popping up that were his role.  I'm not saying I want it any different, just acknowledging my feelings about it and needing to adjust.  There are some easier adjustments tho too.  I am certainly doing less chores, he was by no means a messy person, but sharing space with one extra person I suppose does lend to things needing cleaned more often.

Lol, much of the things that pop up are weird things.  For example, 3 USB cord chargers broke this week.  I have an odd talent for breaking things.  He has an odd talent for fixing things, he would have taken out his soldering tool and fixed them all up in 20 mins.  Of course it's no biggie to just replace, which I'll do from now on.

Thank you Pingo, I will find my way to embrace the challenges.

Going Places,  good ideas.  I have joined the local support group, it meets monthly and I have not been able to go the past few times, so it has been a while, but I certainly can reach out online more in the meantime.

I also like the idea of defensive class. . (I took a basic mechanic class yrs ago, I don't remember the stuff tho)

[going places]

Where did you take this mechanic class?

I would LOVE to do something like that!

[Sunfl0wer]

Where did you take this mechanic class?

I would LOVE to do something like that!

I found it at our local community college.  It was an intro class for both mechanics or people just wanting to learn basic maintenance and repair.