No one recycles us... recycling takes two

[WhoMe51]

I read this tittle last night off of an old post that Skip wrote.  He is so right.  I have gone through so many recycles, I lost count on the exact number.  I had finally had enough and I ended the relationship recently.  My dBPDgf had started making accusations toward me about wanting to sleep with my ex wife.  I told her that was ridiculous and I told her to stop.  She wouldn't.  So I told her that I was done after a barrage of accusations.  And this time, I meant it.  I blocked her from everything.  I stayed away from her.  I didn't accept calls from free numbers.  I told my therapist about it.  She told me that I had to be careful because I would start feeling stronger with no contact and I might slip back.  I reassured her that I wasn't going back.  Last Sunday, I received a call from a friend of mine.  I answered it thinking it was my friend.  But the voice belonged to my exgf.  She began telling me that she didn't want to fight and that she didn't have any other way to contact me since I had her blocked.  She told me that she had my stuff boxed up including the tools that my dad gave me.  I had fixed some things in her apartment and had left them there.  I was tempted to just tell her that I didn't want the things. But since my dad had died, the tools had sentimental value for me.  I arranged a time to pick them up.  When I got to her apartment, she was dolled up.  She looked so good.  To make a long story short, I failed.  I had sex with her.  The attachment was still there.  She told me that she just wanted to have sex and that was all.  The next morning she got up and made me breakfast.  She started talking about how much she loved me and how she wanted a future with me.  At that moment, I realized what I had done.  I had stepped into a recycle.  I had felt so strong before.  I thought I could handle it.  And now I feel like such a failure.  I have been here before.  I know what happens next.  I know that sooner or later she will find fault in me and the devaluation will start.  I envy those whose pwBPD has left them alone.  I know that mine comes back because I don't have firm boundaries in place.  A part of me, doesn't know how to keep them in place.  It's like I forget how brutal the recycles end.  I just needed to vent. 

[felix22]

WhoMe51,

I understand what you are going through. I've been there many times also. 8 recycles the last I counted in my past relationship. And, we just broke up this morning. Really though, sex was the thing keeping us together in the first place. Without it, we would have just been friends, without a mutual respect. Part of what makes it difficult for me, is that I don't ever really get to the point where I hate someone that I once loved. If I did, I might be able to never see them again.

However, I have reached the point with certain individuals, that they have no control over me, sexually, or otherwise. I'm immune to them. This immunity has taken time though, and been earned, just like being sick. Maybe I'm at that point with my exSO? I hope so. I hope that I can finally feel no regrets over things ending. It's about time they did after all.

Have empathy for yourself. You are only human, no doubt about that. Now you know what to expect, from her behavior, the next time you start feeling strong and free. I've gone for 3 weeks without having sex with my exSO. It's amazing how the mind starts to clear up! Free from the hormones caused by physical intimacy, I have started to really see things clearly. That's all it took for me to clear my mind up, was to stop having sex with them.

Stay strong and hang in there!

[felix22]

If you can't separate yourself from the sex, you can separate yourself from her.

[WhoMe51]

Thanks felix22 I appreciate the encouragement.  And you are right it is the sex that keeps me going back.  I read your post and it dawned on me, that's how she keeps me going back.  I have to be strong and stay no contact even in that area.  Once again thanks

[Mutt]

The attachment was still there.

I think your T is right the feelings do get stronger. There's a neuro chemical change within the first three months that's similar to a drug user going through withdrawal. It does get better and you can detach.

[Infern0]

Yes it takes two.  But most times it is initiated by them, and usually dressed up with some nice lies about them changing etc.