Broke up with my Borderline, Narcissistic girlfriend

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Guys I don't know even where to begin . I was in a long-distance relationship with a girl for 1.5 year, with an age gap of 7 years. I thought, I was gonna marry this girl and have kids with her. We made those plans and it was very intense. She is someone who was abused as a child, she had a family tragedy when she was a child and list goes on how her life was messed up.

My story:

I met her online. We fell for each other instantly, we would spend time together all the time. At start, she was extremely insecure about everything. I basically thought her everything she knows. At start of the relationship she had told me that she has probably has BPD and I have ignored that fact and even forgot about it until 2 weeks after breakup. I can most definitely separate our relationship into Seduction-Clinging-Hate phases. She used to see me as someone who is like a God. She would do everything and anything for me. Then she started becoming jealous of my friends, especially female ones. She is someone who has no friends at all. She is all day long at her computer and and she doesn't do anything else. So whenever I would go somewhere she would hate me for it, act completely cold with me, act out of mind jealous, accuse me of infidelity all the time and so on. And from start that created extreme sense of discomfort about the relationship. But I loved her so much. She was a girl that would understand me and show me love. Then as time went by she basically locked me to herself completely. I was her prisoner and fully dedicated to her needs. I even started seeing my friends less and less. I was so into her and we would talk whole day long and all of that looked like I "can't get enough" of her, but in reality she was chaining me to her. Then we met in person. So you can basically see there was seduction phase, then came next phase and that was extreme clinging. Then we met in real life. It was best times ever for both of us. It was sort of like a highest point of our relationship. We clicked so good together, or that was all faking by her, I don't even know anymore.

Then came the breaking moment, I had to go back and leave her. My god, BPD people are afraid most of one thing and that is that they will be abandoned. And once I came back it was over, she was no longer the same person. She had split me in black. And it mostly remained black for the most part. She would threat with suicides, she would self-harm. She was making me so anxious. I was becoming less and less mentally stable. I started losing my love for her. We had breakups on weekly level or at the best monthly level. She would always come back begging me back and so on. And most importantly she would come and "beg" in a way, but she wouldn't acknowledge her mistakes at all. I was really going through emotional abuse. She was threating in a way that if I leave her that she will commit suicide. She was emotionally blackmailing me and gaslighting me all the time! She even wrote me once that she took bunch of pills and asked me to write to her "goodbye I love you". I ended up calling her Mother and ofc she didn't took bunch of pills. She was manipulating me... .

Then as time went by and as I was grieving all what I wanted with her and that was future and kids and everything together, I started having less and less tolerance for her s**t. And in the end I snapped. I completely exploded on her and broke up with her. She didn't apologized for anything she made me go through. She didn't acknowledged anything what happened. She was telling me on breakup how "I can be with you but if YOU change yourself. ROFL!

She was calling me throughout relationship ":)addy" and no, not in "Sexy Daddy" way but she meant that I am her real Daddy. She was into incest and she wanted me to be her father! Basically she was seeking a Father-Daughter relationship, not a 2 adults relationship... .


Anyway, I broke up with her and she went to send me mails how she misses me and how she loves me. I ended up calling her and she at 1st couldn't talk to me and we ended up talking 3 hours later (shows just how much she cared). I asked her what she wants from me and she said she wants only me. Then once I told her about her mistakes and that I read her like a book and that she was abusive, she changed her story and told me how it's best that we don't be in a relationship. See, once you see though lies of a persons with BPD they will avoid you a like plague. She wanted me to be her puppet. I told her on that night to leave me alone and that I won't respond to her anymore and she AGAIN send me mail 2 days later to wish me a happy easter, and she was calling me with pet names and with hearts in the end of msg... .the manipulation! I am now on 10th day of NC and I am feeling so good I can't even explain to you guys.

I just don't understand I still get urges of dreams with her. I still want everything I planned with her and I still sometimes during day, want marriage and kids with her. wth is wrong with me? I mean for the most part, I see that she DOESN'T love me and that she used me like a freakin' prop but I still miss her sometimes throughout days... .it comes in moments.

[Romma]

Guys I don't know even where to begin . I was in a long-distance relationship with a girl for 1.5 year, with an age gap of 7 years. I thought, I was gonna marry this girl and have kids with her. We made those plans and it was very intense. She is someone who was abused as a child, she had a family tragedy when she was a child and list goes on how her life was messed up.

My story:

I met her online. We fell for each other instantly, we would spend time together all the time. At start, she was extremely insecure about everything. I basically thought her everything she knows. At start of the relationship she had told me that she has probably has BPD and I have ignored that fact and even forgot about it until 2 weeks after breakup. I can most definitely separate our relationship into Seduction-Clinging-Hate phases. She used to see me as someone who is like a God. She would do everything and anything for me. Then she started becoming jealous of my friends, especially female ones. She is someone who has no friends at all. She is all day long at her computer and and she doesn't do anything else. So whenever I would go somewhere she would hate me for it, act completely cold with me, act out of mind jealous, accuse me of infidelity all the time and so on. And from start that created extreme sense of discomfort about the relationship. But I loved her so much. She was a girl that would understand me and show me love. Then as time went by she basically locked me to herself completely. I was her prisoner and fully dedicated to her needs. I even started seeing my friends less and less. I was so into her and we would talk whole day long and all of that looked like I "can't get enough" of her, but in reality she was chaining me to her. Then we met in person. So you can basically see there was seduction phase, then came next phase and that was extreme clinging. Then we met in real life. It was best times ever for both of us. It was sort of like a highest point of our relationship. We clicked so good together, or that was all faking by her, I don't even know anymore.

Then came the breaking moment, I had to go back and leave her. My god, BPD people are afraid most of one thing and that is that they will be abandoned. And once I came back it was over, she was no longer the same person. She had split me in black. And it mostly remained black for the most part. She would threat with suicides, she would self-harm. She was making me so anxious. I was becoming less and less mentally stable. I started losing my love for her. We had breakups on weekly level or at the best monthly level. She would always come back begging me back and so on. And most importantly she would come and "beg" in a way, but she wouldn't acknowledge her mistakes at all. I was really going through emotional abuse. She was threating in a way that if I leave her that she will commit suicide. She was emotionally blackmailing me and gaslighting me all the time! She even wrote me once that she took bunch of pills and asked me to write to her "goodbye I love you". I ended up calling her Mother and ofc she didn't took bunch of pills. She was manipulating me... .

Then as time went by and as I was grieving all what I wanted with her and that was future and kids and everything together, I started having less and less tolerance for her s**t. And in the end I snapped. I completely exploded on her and broke up with her. She didn't apologized for anything she made me go through. She didn't acknowledged anything what happened. She was telling me on breakup how "I can be with you but if YOU change yourself. ROFL!

She was calling me throughout relationship ":)addy" and no, not in "Sexy Daddy" way but she meant that I am her real Daddy. She was into incest and she wanted me to be her father! Basically she was seeking a Father-Daughter relationship, not a 2 adults relationship... .


Anyway, I broke up with her and she went to send me mails how she misses me and how she loves me. I ended up calling her and she at 1st couldn't talk to me and we ended up talking 3 hours later (shows just how much she cared). I asked her what she wants from me and she said she wants only me. Then once I told her about her mistakes and that I read her like a book and that she was abusive, she changed her story and told me how it's best that we don't be in a relationship. See, once you see though lies of a persons with BPD they will avoid you a like plague. She wanted me to be her puppet. I told her on that night to leave me alone and that I won't respond to her anymore and she AGAIN send me mail 2 days later to wish me a happy easter, and she was calling me with pet names and with hearts in the end of msg... .the manipulation! I am now on 10th day of NC and I am feeling so good I can't even explain to you guys.

I just don't understand I still get urges of dreams with her. I still want everything I planned with her and I still sometimes during day, want marriage and kids with her. wth is wrong with me? I mean for the most part, I see that she DOESN'T love me and that she used me like a freakin' prop but I still miss her sometimes throughout days... .it comes in moments.

[rlhmm]

hello Romma, sorry you went through this as we all have. thanks for sharing your story.  quite a bit of it is very similar to my experience with my BPDex fiance.  the thing that jumped out at me about your story was the "daddy" part, she never called me that but, about a month before the break up, she one day out of the blue as we were sitting in the car getting ready to go somewhere, she just blurted out of the blue, " i need to tell you something".  i said what... .she hesitated... .i said what hun go ahead and tell me... .she then said, " early in our relationship that she fantasized about being raped by her father in order to climax when we had sex". i was floored!  not what i had ever expected to hear from anyone. i amazingly kept my composure and asked her well of course you dont do that now... .and she replied "no". we went on from there. in my head i wanted to just vomit. i couldn't believe what i'd heard. how sick she was.  i'm not sure i believe that she wasnt doing it through out the whole relationship.  there were life circumstances similar to me and her father except being a pedophile piece of crap, and certainly no resemblance of ANY kind.  my replacement however. is much older than i am in age, has gray hair like her father, and acts and looks very similar to him.  he even admitted that his daughter is "disordered" before i stopped communicating. so she's still living the daddy fantasy with this person who may have very well harmed his own daughter as a child. how SICK is that my friend?    best of luck to your healing my friend! stay no contact, we both dodged huge bullets here!  be well! 

[Romma]

Thank you so much for your reply rlhmm! Well her father was extremely abusive. She thinks she MIGHT have been sexually used by her own father. He was terrorizing whole family with extreme violence (weapons like guns were used). He was a soldier and he was in war so he probably got mentally ill from the things he saw. Anyway, she used ":)addy" in bed with me during sex and she used it in incest way. She openly told me that I am her Daddy (Father). And even when we broke up she wrote this "You were my Daddy. I am so alone now". So I think that my whole relationship was more based on her filling the void of missing a father in her life. And miraculously I am much older than her, almost 10 years.

I just can't explain how drained emotionally I was while with her. She was sucking the life out of me. I felt emotionally dead and I was extremely depressed because of our roller-coaster relationship, which involved emotional blackmail like suicide threats in case I want to leave her, then emotional abuse and complete one sidedness of whole relationship.

So yes, we dogged a bullet. I really thought that I would spend my life with her. Right now when I am out of the "la la land" that I called relationship, I see everything so clear right now. I do miss her, but I can't fix her or help her. I can only help myself... .