Epiphany

[sisterofbpd]

So I think I just realized something that honestly should have been obvious to me for years.  My BPDsis is 8 years older than me.  When I was 13 my parents moved me 45 min away into a VERY (one traffic light town).  BPDsis and my older brother had moved out at that point so I was fairly isolated.

BPDsis has always bullied me and for the most part until I realized that she had a serious problem I just did whatever I could to appease her to avoid her ragging.  As I grew up, got a drivers license and started dating my now DH (who I might add she introduced me to telling me how great he was), she seemed to turn on him as things got serious between us.  Calling him a P$ck, @sshole, etc.  Basically making things up like saying he doesn't say hi to her when she was over (which I know was a lie because I started paying attention the more she complained).  I just came to the thought that she painted him black when we started getting serious because he was an independent, enmeshed emotional support system for me.  I don't think she liked this one bit and I believe this is why she turned on him in such a nasty way.  Smearing him along with me to extended family members.  She would say things like, "He's a P$ck, and I'm not the only one who sees it either." Which is really weird because for the people that she is referring to, (her friends and our extended family) don't ever see him so she must be basing this on her bashing him to them.  Anyone else experience this?

Also, in her most recent hate email, she said that my DDs 9 & 12yrs old are acquiring "P$ck's attidude."  She has not spent more than 1 hour combined with my children in the past 5 years, and the time she was around them for some family function or another, she was stoned.  What is she basing this on?  Her own delusions?  Trying to understand why she thinks the way she does is seriously confusing.

[HappyChappy]

Hi sisterofBPD

Your accounts does sound very typical of a BPD. They use black and white thinking, so you're for them or against them, never in the middle. Hence your partner went from being white to black. They are also very competative and jellous. You do describe a lot of jellous behavior. Pittyfull realy, but hey ho.

My older Bro is NPD so I feel for you sisterof. On the upside I think you and I have turned out all right.  

[HappyChappy]

Woops. These new fangled computers... .

[sisterofbpd]

Hi HappyChappy,

Thanks for your thoughts!

My older Bro is NPD so I feel for you sisterof. On the upside I think you and I have turned out all right.

I would have to agree that considering everything we've been through we did turn out ok! 

Another weird memory that I just thought of.  A few years ago, during a phone call with BPDsis, at this time I was practicing Medium Chill and doing my best not to let her under my skin, she said to me, "Your DH used to hang out with us all the time before you met.  I know you don't want to think that he may have had a thing for me before you came along."  This was after we had been married for years and had two children together.  I was completely taken aback from this comment and didn't even know how to respond to her so I got off the phone (I have to say, I'm proud of myself for not screaming at her).  I also didn't need my DH's hysterical laughter upon telling him of this to know that it wasn't true.  I knew the moment I was able to process what she was trying to say that it wasn't true.  It's just so draining dealing with their weird thoughts and emotional roller coasters.  I'm glad I'm NC, but it's hard not to think about things.

[Deb]

Also, in her most recent hate email, she said that my DDs 9 & 12yrs old are acquiring "P$ck's attidude."  She has not spent more than 1 hour combined with my children in the past 5 years, and the time she was around them for some family function or another, she was stoned.  What is she basing this on?  Her own delusions?  Trying to understand why she thinks the way she does is seriously confusing.

I think she is attacking your kids to hurt you. An ex-friend, probable N/BPD once told me that people attack the family of someone because it makes them "cry more."  She also may be projecting on to your kids her attitudes etc. Either way, an adult attacking young children is over the line.

Another weird memory that I just thought of.  A few years ago, during a phone call with BPDsis, at this time I was practicing Medium Chill and doing my best not to let her under my skin, she said to me, "Your DH used to hang out with us all the time before you met.  I know you don't want to think that he may have had a thing for me before you came along."

My dBPD sister once told my husband (who I was dating at the time) "I ALWAYS sleep with my sister's boyfriends!"   He turned her down. 

[sisterofbpd]

My dBPD sister once told my husband (who I was dating at the time) "I ALWAYS sleep with my sister's boyfriends!"  barfy He turned her down.  wink

Wow, that is just nuts!  Kudos to your husband though!

[Linda Maria]

Hi sisterofBPD!  I can really relate to your post.  Over 30 years ago, when we were both in our early 20s, and still living at home with my Mum & Dad, I started going out with a guy.  He already knew a lot of the people in the group of friends my sis and I hung out with, as he'd been at art college with some of them, but we hadn't met him before.  We talked briefly about him, both agreeing he seemed like a nice guy.  A few weeks later I started going out with him.  She immediately told my Mum & Dad all sorts of bad things about him, which made life difficult for me, and also - if this guy and I were going out with the group, she wouldn't come along.  I never thought for one minute he was her type and she wanted him - so I couldn't understand it at all.  I solved it because I moved out of home permanently a few months later, and me and this guy, who were together for about 4 years, hung out with other people a lot as well.  Initially it made things awkward within the group of friends because no-one really understood what was going on, or why she was being like this, but they didn't want to get involved as they were friends with all of us.  When I asked her what the problem was I never got a sensible reply.  Now, years later, having learned about BPD and realised that's what I think she has, I think she was just jealous that  I had a boyfriend, and thought she was going to be abandoned.  Of course - because she made my life so difficult, and was so horrible to this perfectly nice guy, and created this problem between me and my parents,  I moved out of home a bit sooner that I might have otherwise done, I expanded my group of friends through this guy, so didn't hang out with the old crowd quite as much, and obviously didn't see as much of sis as before, because of the way she had behaved.  I could just never see what she got out of it.  Weird huh? 

[sisterofbpd]

Hi Linda Maria

We talked briefly about him, both agreeing he seemed like a nice guy.  A few weeks later I started going out with him.  She immediately told my Mum & Dad all sorts of bad things about him, which made life difficult for me, and also - if this guy and I were going out with the group, she wouldn't come along.  I never thought for one minute he was her type and she wanted him - so I couldn't understand it at all.  I solved it because I moved out of home permanently a few months later, and me and this guy, who were together for about 4 years, hung out with other people a lot as well.  Initially it made things awkward within the group of friends because no-one really understood what was going on, or why she was being like this, but they didn't want to get involved as they were friends with all of us.  When I asked her what the problem was I never got a sensible reply.  Now, years later, having learned about BPD and realised that's what I think she has, I think she was just jealous that  I had a boyfriend, and thought she was going to be abandoned.  Of course - because she made my life so difficult, and was so horrible to this perfectly nice guy, and created this problem between me and my parents,  I moved out of home a bit sooner that I might have otherwise done, I expanded my group of friends through this guy, so didn't hang out with the old crowd quite as much, and obviously didn't see as much of sis as before, because of the way she had behaved.  I could just never see what she got out of it.  Weird huh? 

It certainly is weird and from the sounds of it, very typical of BPDs!  What I wonder is that since my Mother and I (her main targets) have really no contact with her (I can't speak for my Mom because some times she emails her but tells us she doesn't) will she find a new target?  How do BPDs handle it when their prey is out of contact for a long period of time, rage on others?

[Linda Maria]

Hi sisterofBPD!  I didn't have a major problem with my sister until 2 years ago when my Mum died, and she turned on me out of the blue and the smear campaign started.  I couldn't understand it for ages, as I thought our relationship had been reasonable up till then.  But looking back on it, there had always been some odd things - like the situation I described with the boyfriend - and other things too.  But then I realised - I haven't lived with my sister for nearly 30 years, and though we have always been in contact on the phone, very regularly, and I used to see my Mum a fair amount - and she never really moved out of home though she owns her own house - the fact is, she has always been like this, it just didn't really impact me before.  But for the last 20 years, since my father passed away, there has been one drama after another, she is always the victim of someone, an employer, a utility company, a neighbour, someone - there have been multiple very incredible stories going on, plus two very tempestuous relationships.  So when I started thinking straighter once I recovered from the initial shock of the way she was behaving towards me and the chaos she was creating with my mum's estate, I realised that this has been going on a long time, and I realised that probably all the stories I'd been told over the years weren't true.  I'd always suspected it was just attention seeking, as the problems were all things that any normal person would have resolved quite easily, but she would never do the right things, and if you offered to help and get involved it would all go quiet for a while.  So I think most of it was a lie, which makes sense now, given the scale and madness of the lies about me for the last 2 years.  So yes - I think that's exactly what they do - they seem to have this need for attention, but for some reason it's always negative, never because they're doing something good.  With my uBPDsis it is always about someone doing something terrible to her that never quite makes sense.  And on the odd occasion when she seemed to be doing well, if you said anything positive like - hey - that's great, sounds like that's all going really well, she would always then say something negative - like - well - not really - I've still got so and so doing this terrible thing, and I've still got this problem to sort out.  It was like she needed constant sympathy and attention, it was exhausting, and draining.  NC is definitely the way to go - for me anyway!

[sisterofbpd]

I realised that this has been going on a long time, and I realised that probably all the stories I'd been told over the years weren't true.  I'd always suspected it was just attention seeking, as the problems were all things that any normal person would have resolved quite easily, but she would never do the right things, and if you offered to help and get involved it would all go quiet for a while.  So I think most of it was a lie, which makes sense now, given the scale and madness of the lies about me for the last 2 years.  So yes - I think that's exactly what they do - they seem to have this need for attention, but for some reason it's always negative, never because they're doing something good.  With my uBPDsis it is always about someone doing something terrible to her that never quite makes sense.  And on the odd occasion when she seemed to be doing well, if you said anything positive like - hey - that's great, sounds like that's all going really well, she would always then say something negative - like - well - not really - I've still got so and so doing this terrible thing, and I've still got this problem to sort out.  It was like she needed constant sympathy and attention, it was exhausting, and draining.  NC is definitely the way to go - for me anyway!

Wow, it's like we have the same sister!  This is so her, never ending drama and victimization.  I have to stay NC as well to survive.

[Linda Maria]

Hi sisterofBPD!  Yes - I think NC is the way to go.  What I meant to say in my earlier post - got a bit off track venting as usual! - was that yes - if they don't have contact with you - they do find new audiences who then become targets.  We had to use a variety of estate agents and solicitors in sorting out my Mum's estate, because, yes - you've guessed it - she turned on them as well, and has launched official complaints against one solicitor , and one of the estate agents!  It is just incredible!  The probate solicitor had to stop acting for us because of her antics, which made my life very difficult, but they were so horrified by it all, that they have continued to give me a lot of off the record and unpaid support, which is brilliant of them.  So yes - as long as they have some kind of outlet, they seem to survive just fine.  Best wishes!

[beatup]

Yes I have experienced the bashing of my DH by my uBPD sis too! Once she said that he didn't thank her for the birthday gifts she gave him... . not true... . fact is he thanked her twice. And I had purchased a ticket to fly up to visit her when we were getting along and she said "you aren't going to come & visit, your husband wont let you out of his sight". I had ticket! WTH?   It turned out I didn't go because she let loose on me!

  Years later she became friendly with my ex husband(not the current one she was bashing). He cheated on me... . oh man that just makes me sick   he was NPD/BPD so they had much in common.

[sisterofbpd]

Yes I have experienced the bashing of my DH by my uBPD sis too! Once she said that he didn't thank her for the birthday gifts she gave him... . not true... . fact is he thanked her twice.

This same thing has happened with my DH multiple times!