The tough, non-sugarcoated realities of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) ~

[letmeout]

1. Did my pwBPD love me?  No. He is 100% incapable of love for anyone but himself. Not even his own children... .

2. Will my pwBPD get better with therapy?  I don't know, I don't care; I will not be around if it does or does not, so it does not matter to me. What matters to me is that *I* understand and am able to see a PD early in any relationship I may have so that I do not waste any more of my life with someone who is incapeable of true, genuine, love.

3. Will the BPD fade away with age?  No, as a matter of fact the older my ex got the worse he got... .

4. Is it genetic?  I do not know if it's in the 'genes' but with my ex, everyone in his family was 'off'. Call it 'genes'; call it a generational curse. Call it what you like... .

5.  Did my pwBPD lie to me about X, Y, and Z?  Yes. My ex opened his mouth and it was lies. He is an awful person.

6.  Is there something I can do to help my pwBPD?  No. He loves himself more than anything in the world, he is never wrong, and he is far more intelligent than any other human being. Just ask him.

7.  I've heard that a pwBPD can be dangerous but mine doesn't seem dangerous, is she dangerous?  Should I be worried that she might turn on me out of the blue and try to destroy me?  Mine was dangerous in a sinister way... . all on the down low. Gas Lighting, manipulation, etc. Mental and emotional torture to the point it made ME want to eliminate ME. Pure, evil.

8.  My pwBPD wants some money or doesn't want to pay me back, what's up with this?  Never lend money you would not throw down the toilet. Never again will I ever share a bank account/ debit card / mortgage with anyone else... . Never.

9.  Were the last X months/years of my life with this person just a complete waste?  After 25 years of marriage, I walked with 3 amazing adult children. That is the ONLY good thing, to come out of 25 years of my life. I wasted 25 years of my life with a liar / monster.

10.  Will my pwBPD ever "see the light" and come back knocking with a sincere apology?  No and if they do, it's not genuine. Run. Just run... .

I could have would have written that too

[Blimblam]

Blim are you hesitant to simply analyze yourself and then own it without broadcasting so that perhaps you are not alone in a struggle you found in yourself?  I know very little about you and do not act otherwise.

Look if people were not experiencing an internal struggle why the heck would they need a support forum?

But yeah I did discover an internal struggle within myself.  On leaving board everyone talking about what they are struggling with inside.  Format of us who pwBPD ex is gone and they are struggling that is an internalized struggle.  Was it just a response to the pwBPD no it wasn't my ex filled some kind of void in me.  With her I felt complete.  If I had felt complete without her I probably would have left as soon as I felt a shift towards devaluing in the relationship and when I brought it up she would dysregulate.  I probably would have been sad but that was a clear sign I was in denial of. 

The struggle is one of how we perceive ourself vs some idealized version of ourself that we are possibly working towards in the illusion of "progress." Lol its a joke really.  It's like we are comparing ourself to "cool." Except I stopped caring about "cool," years ago so now it's something else.  This inner critic.  Except now we would like to see ourselves as "happy or succesful." Etc.  But at some point somewhere in making that happen it's going to require somone somewhere else to suffer a great deal in order for me to achieve that "success," but as long as I can remain ignorant of that I can convince myselfje success is real.  The reality is that's all a thin vaneer.  Everything comes from somewhere and the cotton from my shirt was probably picked by a slave in some other country.  But they are so removed I can't feel their pain because it's out of mind.  So on a more local level the fear of my residence being broken into because their is poverty a few towns over.  Or the fear of if I dont conform to the ideals of society I will slip through the cracks.  Just that nurtures and fuels the inner critic. 

[raisins3142]

Blim are you hesitant to simply analyze yourself and then own it without broadcasting so that perhaps you are not alone in a struggle you found in yourself?  I know very little about you and do not act otherwise.

Look if people were not experiencing an internal struggle why the heck would they need a support forum?

But yeah I did discover an internal struggle within myself.  On leaving board everyone talking about what they are struggling with inside.  Format of us who pwBPD ex is gone and they are struggling that is an internalized struggle.  Was it just a response to the pwBPD no it wasn't my ex filled some kind of void in me.  With her I felt complete.  If I had felt complete without her I probably would have left as soon as I felt a shift towards devaluing in the relationship and when I brought it up she would dysregulate.  I probably would have been sad but that was a clear sign I was in denial of.  

The struggle is one of how we perceive ourself vs some idealized version of ourself that we are possibly working towards in the illusion of "progress." Lol its a joke really.  It's like we are comparing ourself to "cool." Except I stopped caring about "cool," years ago so now it's something else.  This inner critic.  Except now we would like to see ourselves as "happy or succesful." Etc.  But at some point somewhere in making that happen it's going to require somone somewhere else to suffer a great deal in order for me to achieve that "success," but as long as I can remain ignorant of that I can convince myselfje success is real.  The reality is that's all a thin vaneer.  Everything comes from somewhere and the cotton from my shirt was probably picked by a slave in some other country.  But they are so removed I can't feel their pain because it's out of mind.  So on a more local level the fear of my residence being broken into because their is poverty a few towns over.  Or the fear of if I dont conform to the ideals of society I will slip through the cracks.  Just that nurtures and fuels the inner critic.  

Sure, we are all feeling negative feelings.  I suppose that is an internal struggle of some sort.

But you are not writing in a clear manner that can actually be analyzed or be falsifiable in principle.

[Blimblam]

Blim are you hesitant to simply analyze yourself and then own it without broadcasting so that perhaps you are not alone in a struggle you found in yourself?  I know very little about you and do not act otherwise.

Look if people were not experiencing an internal struggle why the heck would they need a support forum?

But yeah I did discover an internal struggle within myself.  On leaving board everyone talking about what they are struggling with inside.  Format of us who pwBPD ex is gone and they are struggling that is an internalized struggle.  Was it just a response to the pwBPD no it wasn't my ex filled some kind of void in me.  With her I felt complete.  If I had felt complete without her I probably would have left as soon as I felt a shift towards devaluing in the relationship and when I brought it up she would dysregulate.  I probably would have been sad but that was a clear sign I was in denial of.  

The struggle is one of how we perceive ourself vs some idealized version of ourself that we are possibly working towards in the illusion of "progress." Lol its a joke really.  It's like we are comparing ourself to "cool." Except I stopped caring about "cool," years ago so now it's something else.  This inner critic.  Except now we would like to see ourselves as "happy or succesful." Etc.  But at some point somewhere in making that happen it's going to require somone somewhere else to suffer a great deal in order for me to achieve that "success," but as long as I can remain ignorant of that I can convince myselfje success is real.  The reality is that's all a thin vaneer.  Everything comes from somewhere and the cotton from my shirt was probably picked by a slave in some other country.  But they are so removed I can't feel their pain because it's out of mind.  So on a more local level the fear of my residence being broken into because their is poverty a few towns over.  Or the fear of if I dont conform to the ideals of society I will slip through the cracks.  Just that nurtures and fuels the inner critic.  

Sure, we are all feeling negative feelings.  I suppose that is an internal struggle of some sort.

But you are not writing in a clear manner that can actually be analyzed or be falsifiable in principle.

Yea you are right I'm rambling a bit.  But I think the idea of me may have become your shadowy "other."    . I'm honored.

[Blimblam]

But raisin I started to make we statements to avoid you statements especially when it came to something sensitive like pointing out someones narcissistic self image they are struggling with or hiding behind to avoid certain aspects of their self.  Lol it's a show of solidarity in that I and others here struggle with these roadblocks of making inroads into examining ourself.  The reason I sort of seek out those threads is I had split splitting .  So I have been leaning into the pain or confronting and integrating my own shadow.

[Suzn]

I don't believe that most nons here should blame themselves or try to dig deep into their childhood to stir up what might be wrong with them.

.

"The body's uncomfortable emotions happen only to remind you that there's a thought available for questioning."~ Byron Katie

I stayed in my r/s with my exBPDgf because I thought I could somehow change the outcome of the route the r/s was going when things started going haywire. My belief that I could actually DO this came from my experiences from childhood. It's not about finding out what's "wrong" with you. It's simply about finding our own behavior patterns and looking at what WE can change, or question, about ourselves so that in the future we can participate in healthier r/s.

I think in most cases the non here was simply blindsided by the concept of BPD and wasn't exposed to the truly outrageous behavior of it until a major relationship commitment had already been made.

This is when BPD behaviors really start to show. Once they feel they "have you" they start to fear they'll lose you, their fears of abandonment kick in. This is crux of BPD. I think you're right, we were blindsided. Why? There were likely flags well before the outrageous behaviors but we missed them. Why?

I will only speak for myself, I wasn't self aware nor was I emotionally mature enough to see the flags. Once I started looking inward I started seeing the flags in others. It's a side effect of self awareness. A welcome side effect.

I can speak for myself and say that my attraction to my pwBPD was not related to the positive or negative BPD-related behavior I was exposed to (I was attracted to her primarily because we had a lot in common and she was pretty).

If she was BPD then she was a pro at mirroring your likes and dislikes. We all do this to a certain degree. However, let's look a little deeper... . if we are deeply attracted to someone because they like what we like isn't that us liking/loving ourselves? A mirror image of our self? It's a fact that we are attracted to a person with our emotional maturity equivalent. We were no better equipped or qualified to handle the outrageous behaviors than they were. Frustrating, to say the least, whilst "in it."

I believe that most of the nons here do not "have issues."  

Quoting my T, "every human is broken to some degree." I don't see looking at my own "issues" as blaming myself, I'm human. I see it rather as a way to know myself because when I do it's easier, not a perfect science, but easier, to see when I'm stepping into unhealthy territory in a r/s with someone else... . friends, family or romantic r/s.

One thing I know for certain, if I were still angry or hurt in regards to my r/s with my exBPDgf and not done any self work, I would not have fully grieved it, nor grown emotionally and would have inevitably, unknowingly, dragged my unresolved emotions into a future r/s

[going places]

Blim are you hesitant to simply analyze yourself and then own it without broadcasting so that perhaps you are not alone in a struggle you found in yourself?  I know very little about you and do not act otherwise.

Look if people were not experiencing an internal struggle why the heck would they need a support forum?

Some folks may just need to know they are not alone, and that there is an 'end' to the madness, and there is Joy on the other side.

Some folks don't have anyone in real life, to talk too.

Some folks simply don't understand what is happening and do not have the means for a T... .

But yeah I did discover an internal struggle within myself.  On leaving board everyone talking about what they are struggling with inside.  Format of us who pwBPD ex is gone and they are struggling that is an internalized struggle.  Was it just a response to the pwBPD no it wasn't my ex filled some kind of void in me.  With her I felt complete.  If I had felt complete without her I probably would have left as soon as I felt a shift towards devaluing in the relationship and when I brought it up she would dysregulate.  I probably would have been sad but that was a clear sign I was in denial of.  

I think at some point everyone does a "gut check". Some do it to an unhealthy extreme.

That's because they are trapped in the abuse cycle.

Not everyone experiences the same situation... .some people were deceived.

Truly, they believed it was ok... .there were no "red flags"... .it does happen.

Some folks grew up in an unhealthy environment, and this behavior, was "normal". This is all they ever knew.

The struggle is one of how we perceive ourself vs some idealized version of ourself that we are possibly working towards in the illusion of "progress." Lol its a joke really

That is an insult, and very negative.

Broken people who see the pieces of their lives scattered on the floor; who have a vision of that 'vessel becoming whole again' are working towards a goal, and to achieve that goal, there will be steps taken; that's progress.

It's not a joke. It's real. And it's GOOD.

It's like we are comparing ourself to "cool." Except I stopped caring about "cool," years ago so now it's something else.  This inner critic.

"Cool" is an image.

Wholeness, is not. It's real. And it's obtainable.

Except now we would like to see ourselves as "happy or succesful." Etc.  But at some point somewhere in making that happen it's going to require somone somewhere else to suffer a great deal in order for me to achieve that "success," but as long as I can remain ignorant of that I can convince myselfje success is real.

Untrue.

SO very untrue.

If my idea of "success" is being a home owner, and my home is a small mobile home on a tiny tiny spot of land, and I work hard, work 2 jobs, save my money, use coupons, scrimp and save, the day I move into my home, is success.

I hurt no one in the process, no one suffered, and I have achieved success.

Everyone has their minds eye of the definition of "success" or "happiness" or "joy".

The reality is that's all a thin vaneer.  Everything comes from somewhere and the cotton from my shirt was probably picked by a slave in some other country.  But they are so removed I can't feel their pain because it's out of mind.  So on a more local level the fear of my residence being broken into because their is poverty a few towns over.  Or the fear of if I dont conform to the ideals of society I will slip through the cracks.  Just that nurtures and fuels the inner critic.  

Then buy your shirts from an American company you can research.

Buy your clothes from "Fair Trade" companies.

My ex used to 'circle talk' me.

He would start on one thing, switch, switch, switch, hoping I could not keep up or remember.

But I could. Both.

So when he figured out he could not beat me down with that game, he'd deny he said what he said... .

Even if it was a text or email.

When I confronted him w/ the text-email; he'd say "that's because you said _______"

No, no I didn't.

Then it was the silent treatment... .

You could not get him to stay on point; that was part of his game.

*I* knew what he was doing... .*I* knew it.

BUT until I saw an abuse advocate, until I came to this site... .I had times where I questioned myself (and I NEVER should have, because I WAS RIGHT)... .and I am THANKFUL for those who come here, share their stories, their lives, their hopes, their dreams, their PROGRESS... .it give HOPE.

Hang

On

Pain

Ends

HOPE.

[Tim300]

I don't believe that most nons here should blame themselves or try to dig deep into their childhood to stir up what might be wrong with them.

.

"The body's uncomfortable emotions happen only to remind you that there's a thought available for questioning."~ Byron Katie

I stayed in my r/s with my exBPDgf because I thought I could somehow change the outcome of the route the r/s was going when things started going haywire. My belief that I could actually DO this came from my experiences from childhood. It's not about finding out what's "wrong" with you. It's simply about finding our own behavior patterns and looking at what WE can change, or question, about ourselves so that in the future we can participate in healthier r/s.

I think in most cases the non here was simply blindsided by the concept of BPD and wasn't exposed to the truly outrageous behavior of it until a major relationship commitment had already been made.

This is when BPD behaviors really start to show. Once they feel they "have you" they start to fear they'll lose you, their fears of abandonment kick in. This is crux of BPD. I think you're right, we were blindsided. Why? There were likely flags well before the outrageous behaviors but we missed them. Why?

I will only speak for myself, I wasn't self aware nor was I emotionally mature enough to see the flags. Once I started looking inward I started seeing the flags in others. It's a side effect of self awareness. A welcome side effect.

Suzn -- thank you for your thoughtful input. 

As far as participating in healthier relationships, I would point out that not everyone here clung on for years and years of abuse in a lopsided relationship.  If the seemingly abusive behavior didn't surface until after you were engaged or married to the person (or completely moved in together or having a kid together), it seems reasonable to me that the non would spend at least some time trying to figure out what was going on and trying to resolve whatever the problems were.  From my personal experience and from having read the stories here, it seems like in the lion's share of cases the pwBPD kept hidden the bizarre behavior until after commitment was made.  That is to say, if the behavior was present at the outset, most of the nons on this board would never have been in the relationship to begin with.

With respect to why a given non missed the red flags of BPD, I think that is a tall order.  It's one thing to notice red flags that a person is a bit eccentric or noncommittal; however, the thought processes of a pwBPD are so irrational and counterproductive, that I doubt any non having no knowledge of BPD would put two and two together and predict that the pwBPD would beg for marriage and then try to destroy you for no apparent reason.  Perhaps if the person had already had 2 or more divorces you'd be on alert, but even then you probably wouldn't have any idea of how bizarre, abusive, and outrageous the behavior would get.  I don't think nons here need to spend much time internalizing how they weren't able to predict this; most were simply blindsided because there is a lack of awareness about BPD.

[Suzn]

As far as participating in healthier relationships, I would point out that not everyone here clung on for years and years of abuse in a lopsided relationship.

Very true Tim. I hung on for 5 years, on and off. The first red flag in my own behavior patterns, I should have walked away long before. We see many members in short term r/s that are completely devastated.

If the seemingly abusive behavior didn't surface until after you were engaged or married to the person (or completely moved in together or having a kid together), it seems reasonable to me that the non would spend at least some time trying to figure out what was going on and trying to resolve whatever the problems were.

Absolutely true that it's reasonable to spend some time trying to figure out what's going on. There are many members working to better their r/s on the Staying board, the Parenting board and the Healing board. It takes two to tango, there are ways to communicate with a pwBPD prior to things escalating. The decision comes down to whether or not you want to invest in learning about these communication skills. And to be fair, these skills work very well in any r/s not just a pwBPD.

From my personal experience and from having read the stories here, it seems like in the lion's share of cases the pwBPD kept hidden the bizarre behavior until after commitment was made.  That is to say, if the behavior was present at the outset, most of the nons on this board would never have been in the relationship to begin with.

Flags can be small things that we would otherwise overlook when we are attracted to a pretty face. For instance, when I first met my exBPDgf she immediately started texting me in what seemed like every five mins of the day and expecting me to respond no matter what I was doing. I had originally tried to put a stop to this while I was working or once when I had plans with a family member who was visiting and we were out to dinner. She told me at the time, "I can text no matter what I'm doing" <<---- today, I know that if a person can't respect my boundaries AND if that person is willing to be basically unavailable down the road if I expect them being present with me when we are talking is no longer a small thing, it's a big red flag to me.

With respect to why a given non missed the red flags of BPD, I think that is a tall order.

Maybe so. It doesn't hurt to be aware of the small things that can point to larger things down the road.

It's one thing to notice red flags that a person is a bit eccentric or noncommittal; however, the thought processes of a pwBPD are so irrational and counterproductive, that I doubt any non having no knowledge of BPD would put two and two together and predict that the pwBPD would beg for marriage and then try to destroy you for no apparent reason.

Bpd is very predictable once you know about the behavior patterns and I think you're right we were blindsided originally. However, it opened a door. You are here, you were looking for answers. The are answers here and ones that can help us out in the future. If you agree that BPD is a mental disorder, trying to rationalize irrational behavior as if it's normal and on purpose, to destroy you, is counter productive isn't it? For me, I wanted to know what I did to attract this person and why I stayed once things went way south. Human nature has patterns, we all have behavior patterns. Knowledge of these is a good thing, it doesn't have to be judgmental.

Bpd isn't the only disorder out there, there's NPD, DPD, DID, etc... . just to name a few. They all have behavior patterns with flags that are recognizable fairly early on. www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/mental-health/art-20044098

[Tim300]

As far as participating in healthier relationships, I would point out that not everyone here clung on for years and years of abuse in a lopsided relationship.

Very true Tim. I hung on for 5 years, on and off. The first red flag in my own behavior patterns, I should have walked away long before. We see many members in short term r/s that are completely devastated.

If the seemingly abusive behavior didn't surface until after you were engaged or married to the person (or completely moved in together or having a kid together), it seems reasonable to me that the non would spend at least some time trying to figure out what was going on and trying to resolve whatever the problems were.

Absolutely true that it's reasonable to spend some time trying to figure out what's going on. There are many members working to better their r/s on the Staying board, the Parenting board and the Healing board. It takes two to tango, there are ways to communicate with a pwBPD prior to things escalating. The decision comes down to whether or not you want to invest in learning about these communication skills. And to be fair, these skills work very well in any r/s not just a pwBPD.

From my personal experience and from having read the stories here, it seems like in the lion's share of cases the pwBPD kept hidden the bizarre behavior until after commitment was made.  That is to say, if the behavior was present at the outset, most of the nons on this board would never have been in the relationship to begin with.

Flags can be small things that we would otherwise overlook when we are attracted to a pretty face. For instance, when I first met my exBPDgf she immediately started texting me in what seemed like every five mins of the day and expecting me to respond no matter what I was doing. I had originally tried to put a stop to this while I was working or once when I had plans with a family member who was visiting and we were out to dinner. She told me at the time, "I can text no matter what I'm doing" <<---- today, I know that if a person can't respect my boundaries AND if that person is willing to be basically unavailable down the road if I expect them being present with me when we are talking is no longer a small thing, it's a big red flag to me.

With respect to why a given non missed the red flags of BPD, I think that is a tall order.

Maybe so. It doesn't hurt to be aware of the small things that can point to larger things down the road.

It's one thing to notice red flags that a person is a bit eccentric or noncommittal; however, the thought processes of a pwBPD are so irrational and counterproductive, that I doubt any non having no knowledge of BPD would put two and two together and predict that the pwBPD would beg for marriage and then try to destroy you for no apparent reason.

Bpd is very predictable once you know about the behavior patterns and I think you're right we were blindsided originally. However, it opened a door. You are here, you were looking for answers. The are answers here and ones that can help us out in the future. If you agree that BPD is a mental disorder, trying to rationalize irrational behavior as if it's normal and on purpose, to destroy you, is counter productive isn't it? For me, I wanted to know what I did to attract this person and why I stayed once things went way south. Human nature has patterns, we all have behavior patterns. Knowledge of these is a good thing, it doesn't have to be judgmental.

Bpd isn't the only disorder out there, there's NPD, DPD, DID, etc... . just to name a few. They all have behavior patterns with flags that are recognizable fairly early on. www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/mental-health/art-20044098

Good points.  Thanks Suzn.

[Pingo]

I would agree with the hesitation of Raisins3142 here.  I do think it's great to look in the mirror; however, by and large, I genuinely believe that for most of us here, that look in the mirror shouldn't drag on for too long.  That's to say, I don't believe that most nons here should blame themselves or try to dig deep into their childhood to stir up what might be wrong with them.  Rather, I think in most cases the non here was simply blindsided by the concept of BPD and wasn't exposed to the truly outrageous behavior of it until a major relationship commitment had already been made.  I can speak for myself and say that my attraction to my pwBPD was not related to the positive or negative BPD-related behavior I was exposed to (I was attracted to her primarily because we had a lot in common and she was pretty).  To the best of my knowledge, I believe that the vast majority of people in our society do not "have issues."  I believe that most of the nons here do not "have issues."  I am certain that there are people who aren't facing an "internal struggle" on a consistent basis.  

I definitely have issues. I know for fact that me delving into those issues and the losses that were ungrieved and my childhood pain was the best thing I could have done for my healing. It was also the hardest thing I've ever done. But my desire for change, to never be vulnerable to this kind of dysfunction again, forced me to get very real about my life. Where did my codependent caretaking traits come from? How did they develop? How can I use this pain I'm in to serve me, to help me grow?

You may have been attracted to her bc you had a lot in common and she was pretty but what caused you to stay when you saw the other side of her?

For me, I didn't even realise I was being abused! It was all too familiar for me, it was a repeat of my childhood. I also believed in fairy tales. I wanted the happily ever after and when that didn't pan out, I was slow to accept the reality of it. I had invested so much time and energy into loving a man who just couldn't love me back in a healthy way. I wanted to keep my eyes shut. Until the pain got too much to bear.

This thread is called 'the tough, non-sugarcoated realities of BPD'... . what about the tough, non-sugarcoated realities of us nons who were abused and allowed it?

[Blimblam]

Blim are you hesitant to simply analyze yourself and then own it without broadcasting so that perhaps you are not alone in a struggle you found in yourself?  I know very little about you and do not act otherwise.

Look if people were not experiencing an internal struggle why the heck would they need a support forum?

Some folks may just need to know they are not alone, and that there is an 'end' to the madness, and there is Joy on the other side.

Some folks don't have anyone in real life, to talk too.

Some folks simply don't understand what is happening and do not have the means for a T... .

But yeah I did discover an internal struggle within myself.  On leaving board everyone talking about what they are struggling with inside.  Format of us who pwBPD ex is gone and they are struggling that is an internalized struggle.  Was it just a response to the pwBPD no it wasn't my ex filled some kind of void in me.  With her I felt complete.  If I had felt complete without her I probably would have left as soon as I felt a shift towards devaluing in the relationship and when I brought it up she would dysregulate.  I probably would have been sad but that was a clear sign I was in denial of.  

I think at some point everyone does a "gut check". Some do it to an unhealthy extreme.

That's because they are trapped in the abuse cycle.

Not everyone experiences the same situation... .some people were deceived.

Truly, they believed it was ok... .there were no "red flags"... .it does happen.

Some folks grew up in an unhealthy environment, and this behavior, was "normal". This is all they ever knew.

The struggle is one of how we perceive ourself vs some idealized version of ourself that we are possibly working towards in the illusion of "progress." Lol its a joke really

That is an insult, and very negative.

Broken people who see the pieces of their lives scattered on the floor; who have a vision of that 'vessel becoming whole again' are working towards a goal, and to achieve that goal, there will be steps taken; that's progress.

It's not a joke. It's real. And it's GOOD.

It's like we are comparing ourself to "cool." Except I stopped caring about "cool," years ago so now it's something else.  This inner critic.

"Cool" is an image.

Wholeness, is not. It's real. And it's obtainable.

Except now we would like to see ourselves as "happy or succesful." Etc.  But at some point somewhere in making that happen it's going to require somone somewhere else to suffer a great deal in order for me to achieve that "success," but as long as I can remain ignorant of that I can convince myselfje success is real.

Untrue.

SO very untrue.

If my idea of "success" is being a home owner, and my home is a small mobile home on a tiny tiny spot of land, and I work hard, work 2 jobs, save my money, use coupons, scrimp and save, the day I move into my home, is success.

I hurt no one in the process, no one suffered, and I have achieved success.

Everyone has their minds eye of the definition of "success" or "happiness" or "joy".

The reality is that's all a thin vaneer.  Everything comes from somewhere and the cotton from my shirt was probably picked by a slave in some other country.  But they are so removed I can't feel their pain because it's out of mind.  So on a more local level the fear of my residence being broken into because their is poverty a few towns over.  Or the fear of if I dont conform to the ideals of society I will slip through the cracks.  Just that nurtures and fuels the inner critic.  

Then buy your shirts from an American company you can research.

Buy your clothes from "Fair Trade" companies.

My ex used to 'circle talk' me.

He would start on one thing, switch, switch, switch, hoping I could not keep up or remember.

But I could. Both.

So when he figured out he could not beat me down with that game, he'd deny he said what he said... .

Even if it was a text or email.

When I confronted him w/ the text-email; he'd say "that's because you said _______"

No, no I didn't.

Then it was the silent treatment... .

You could not get him to stay on point; that was part of his game.

*I* knew what he was doing... .*I* knew it.

BUT until I saw an abuse advocate, until I came to this site... .I had times where I questioned myself (and I NEVER should have, because I WAS RIGHT)... .and I am THANKFUL for those who come here, share their stories, their lives, their hopes, their dreams, their PROGRESS... .it give HOPE.

Hang

On

Pain

Ends

HOPE.

You are whole and complete right now.