Forgot my bday

[sadeyes]

So, he forgot my bday last week. I didn't really have much expectation, so I wasn't terribly disappointed, but now I am starting to get agitated.

This is my 6th bday with him, and we were just discussing the face that my bday was coming up several weeks ago. It is not about any present,  or expensive dinner out,  but a simple acknowledgement and maybe grill or pick up takeout.

But instead, nothing.  Nothing whatsoever,  and apparently he has not realized yet. His day has to be a big deal,  and he can't  even mutter a "Happy Birthday"

So my question is this.  Do I say something,  or just let it fade away to history? I think if I say something,  he will somehow try to flip it back to my fault.

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[waver]

Hi, Sadeyes

 

I write very rarely, but your story resonates me so much now.

My birthday was some three weeks ago, on a weekday. My family presented me the previous weekend, but HE didn't said a word. The bday came, he appeared in our house, didn't said a word. In the evening, my FB friends sent me bday messages, not a word from him.

Since I'm married, it is not his "duty", it is true, but I help him very much in every area of his life.  :'(

Usually I try to practice the "radical acceptance" so I was not really upset then... .

Next weekend in a threesome  conversation I mentioned it jokingly, I teased him that "It seems I don't mean too much to you". He claimed that he didn't know the exact day, and he cannot understand the FB indications. (!) Plus, he was talking about a girl who he worships, (idealization phase, I think  :'( )

Next day I saw on FB that he sent a Birthday Message for a girl, who is not very close friend of him, but he usually likes her photos.

Well, I've lost my temper, and I've been really mad since then, it tears me apart, however I know that it doesn't make any sense.

I try to figure out what the heck was it? Why? Negligence or intentional cruelty?

I've sent him long, nasty texts, I regretted all of them next day. The situation has worsened a lot.

I'm struggling.

We presented him on his bday 5 weeks ago... .

I remember, my father demanded to celebrate his birthday every year. Not a big deal, only a bottle of wine or something, but we HAD to celebrate him. He never presented or remembered anybody's bday in the family. Saying the truth, a lot of my bdays were forgotten by everyone. Patterns 

In my opinion, let it fade away to history. Don't make things worse 

And Happy Birthday to You, Sadeyes!

[hellosun]

But instead, nothing.  Nothing whatsoever,  and apparently he has not realized yet. His day has to be a big deal,  and he can't  even mutter a "Happy Birthday"

So my question is this.  Do I say something,  or just let it fade away to history? I think if I say something,  he will somehow try to flip it back to my fault.

I probably would say something, but I am dealing with a different person than you are, so I can't say that what I do would work for you. If I want something from my husband, I tell him. Unless he is dysregulating badly and needs space, there is no reason for him to not to be able to hear me.

My husband will say unkind things he doesn't mean when dysregulated, and I know there are many times when it is helpful to essentially ignore this behaviour in favour of accepting that he is acting out due to anger mode or whatever the case may be. However, if he has done something that has really bothered or hurt me, I bring it up with him at a time when he is more emotionally balanced. I don't acuse, I just ask questions about how he was feeling during whatever incident, and then express how I felt. If he doesn't feel as though I am condeming him, or invalidating him, and understands that I was hurt, he will actually appologize sometimes. If he could not do this, there is no way we would be married. 

Your partner has unintentionally hurt you, thus this would be one of the times I would have a little chat and address the problem.

It would be nice if your partner was capable of graciously accepting he forgot your birthday, and responding by thinking of YOUR feelings. Sigh. (Isn't is difficult not to be able to just laugh these things off the way we would with someone else and not worry about triggering a major meltdown? Urgg, I get so annoyed at times.) But it really doesnt feel nice to be in a situation where you don't ask for what you want because you are afraid of a negative response. =/

I hate being in that pattern of avoidance and anxiety. I think, for me, dealing with little tantrums is preferable to tiptoeing around my partner and hiding my voice.

How do you respond when he blames you for his failings? My husband hasn't done this one in a while, but it is so ridiculous.   I do not respond in a sensitive way to that... .

But hmm, do you want a make up birthday takeout night or whatever?


waver -- I would be furious if that happened to me. That must have made you feel so sick, whatever his motivation.   Geez, and to brush it off and not even try to make it up to you? WHAT THE. I think in marriage there is a duty to respect one's partner's feelings and hear his or her wants. You know this, because you work very hard to do these things for your partner. Your feelings matter, and what you want matters, too. But I guess sometimes we cannot assume that our partner knows what matters to us. Does he know that you'd like him to make you feel special on your birthday? If so, I need an angry face emoji.

[MaroonLiquid]

My birthday is next week and with the situation going on with my wife and her being out of town on business on top of that, I am going in with absolutely NO EXPECTATION.  That way I can either be pleasantly surprised or no worse off emotionally. 

[Verbena]

sadeyes, this has happened to me at least three times in recent years--my last birthday in September, my 50th birthday, and another time in my early 40's. 

The week before my last birthday he got me an Ipad, teling me it was our anniversary/my birthday gift.  I hugged him and thanked him.  Then when my birthday came a week later, he did not even say happy birthday.  I was very upset (not sure why since it's happened before ) but he was genuinely surprised that it mattered since he got me the ipad the week before.

I told him all I really wanted was two words--happy birthday.  So he snarled happy birthday to me and walked out the door.  He is a jerk deluxe.   

[sadeyes]

So, I decided to say something, and surprisingly was met with the general attitude that he felt he screwed up. He said he thought it was next month correct day. He said he had been working on a weekend trip for me next month.

He then asked if he could have his head up his behind so much that he couldn't even remember my bday.

He has been really beating himself up & doesn't need any crap from me.

I left him to deal with his thoughts, and so far he is depressed like but nothing too out there.

Overall, I am satisfied with how I decided to handle it. His level of concern & his taking responsibility made me have less anger & more empathy.

[Verbena]

Insert Quote

So, I decided to say something, and surprisingly was met with the general attitude that he felt he screwed up. He said he thought it was next month correct day. He said he had been working on a weekend trip for me next month.

He then asked if he could have his head up his behind so much that he couldn't even remember my bday.

He has been really beating himself up & doesn't need any crap from me.

I left him to deal with his thoughts, and so far he is depressed like but nothing too out there.

Overall, I am satisfied with how I decided to handle it. His level of concern & his taking responsibility made me have less anger & more

If you husband has the ability to take responsibility and admit he made a mistake, you are fortunate.  Mine cannot be wrong or apologize, ever. 

[ColdEthyl]

First of all, Happy Birthday!  

My dBPDh doesn't forget my birthday, but what he does do is plan to buy me something... .and never does. Then, he beats himself up about not buying said present. My ex husband who was not BPD in 14 years could never remember my birthday, wouldn't get me anything for Christmas, etc. One year I said something about it on Christmas eve, and he went to the drug store and bought me some 10 dollar foot massager. He never remembered the children's birthdays, either.

I know it can hurt... .you feel like you are not a priority, you are not important. That's how I felt. The thing to try to remember with BPD is they tend to be self absorbed and they don't 'see' it. When it's pointed out, they will feel bad then lash out. I would tell him anyways. If it's important to you, and it would to me, I would make the fuss. But, try to say it differently than you normally would.

I would probably say it like "My feelings get hurt when my birthday isn't acknowledged or remembered. It makes me feel unimportant."

[takingandsending]

Hi sadeyes. Happy Birthday! 

Birthdays just seem like one of those inexplicably bad days of increased expectation which pwBPD often really struggle with. I am glad that he apologized. Maybe you can let him know how much that means to you, if it helped heal some of your hurt.

My wife is an ex- vegan, pastry chef. When we first went out, she promised all sorts of wonderful, relatively healthy desserts that would spoil me on my birthday. She bragged about a German chocolate cake she had made for her ex-husband that was out of this world. That cake happens to be one of my faves from when I was a kid, which I told her. She doesn't like it so much herself. Many, many years have gone by, and she has never made me anything on any of my birthdays. She usually gets stressed out, gets me a gift and card, complains about me putting her out and ends with telling me that I am unappreciative and never make her feel special on her birthday. A couples therapist we once went to before I knew about BPD suggested that I take care of my needs myself. I have stuck to that advice, ordered my own German chocolate cake from a bakery, and generally now focus on celebrating my children's wishes to celebrate the day with me. I guess what I have learned is that on special days, I need to have a lot of special love and care for myself to get over the fact that my partner is not emotionally whole enough to allow someone close to her to feel special without feeling invalidated. That is pretty sad, but I think it's accurate to this illness.

I hope you find an affirming, joyous way to celebrate the beauty of your life and being. That's really what we all want, after all. 

[Hmcbart]

I can sympathize with you sadeyes, my wife frequently forgets or claims to be too busy for things like birthdays and anniversaries. Last year was the first in many tat she actually got me an anniversary gift. Sadly it was also the first year I had finally decided to stop caring about our anniversary. As you can imagine the dysregulation that followed was epic.

I remember many times on birthdays or anniversaries thinking maybe she will surprise me when I get home from work. Then I get home to find out that it never even registered on her radar. I remember going to bed thinking a simple hand written card would have been just fine. Something to say that I'm important to her and that I matter.

The last time it happened, it was our 15th and 16th anniversaries. The line about being too busy to get a card really pushes my buttons because she is a stay at home mom and both kids are in school all day. I actually did say something to her about it which only let to a three day argument.

This was before I learned about BPD and how to better cope with my feelings.

Consequently I just spent the last week planning and setting up her and her twin sisters 40th birthday. She dysregulated for the last 5 days before her sister arrived from out of town. I just kept planning and scheduling things for them and ignored most of what she would say.

I did have a very long discussion with her best friend about what was happening. My wife told her all about how mean I was being. The way her friend talked, she sounded like we were going to be divorced before the birthday party. I explained to her friend, without saying anything about a personality disorder, how everything would be fine in a few days. I told her right now I and the devil but next week I will be a saint again. Next month it will happen all over again.

I haven't heard back from her best friend but she probably trying to figure out how I know what's going to happen before it does.

[sadeyes]

How giving of you to want to plan a party for your wife's 40th. I have to admit, I will probably  next year's bday out of obligation.

He does nothing & complains about what I do. ... . style bought cake doesn't taste that good,  My homemade cake is not "perfect shape with perfect frosting" like out of a  magazine. I think next year I may just take myself somewhere unreachable for my birthday. 

Then,  at least I can spend it doing EXACTLY what  I want when I want all day & do nothing for anyone else. I think I might enjoy a me all me day!

[takingandsending]

Then,  at least I can spend it doing EXACTLY what  I want when I want all day & do nothing for anyone else. I think I might enjoy a me all me day!

Sadeyes, that's the conclusion I reached for my birthday. This is about you taking care of and celebrating yourself. Invite whoever you want to be a part of it, but leave your SO out of it. Maybe arrange a lunch or dinner yourself for the two of you and that's enough. Otherwise it just stresses him out, which ends up making you feel less special - nobody wins.

I am taking a similar low key approach to my celebrating Mother's Day or my wife's birthday (both happen on same week!). After being accused of poisoning her with an organic chocolate cake mix because it had organic sugar in it, I have given up on the idea of pleasing her. The stress of the day on her is going to make any elaborate displays or efforts feel hollow as she criticizes or rages. It works out better to make small offers of affection with no expectation of gratitude and either go out the week before or week after when the dust has settled. She still feels minimized, but she is pretty much going to go there no matter what I do.

How do you think you can make more of a personal success for you around his birthday? Being in these relationships is not about being doormats. We need to find ways to be there for our partners but not accept abusive patterns.