Reconnecting with BPD social media

[ballerina82]

Hi all,

It's been a while, that's probably a good thing. My family member with BPD (not diagnosed just suggested by my psychologist after many stories and struggles) and I have reconnected a lot lately. I feel as if my guard is going down and I am about to jump back in emotionally. She has improved a lot after I started putting up boundaries and having less and less time between when we talked (used to be daily, moved to bi-weekly and now back to every 2-5 days). I am very close with her daughter (age 10). Something that bothers me to my core, and I HATE it, is that she has blocked me on Facebook and Instagram. Even though she says she kept Facebook to keep in touch with long term relatives, it still hurts that she has me blocked and I don't know why it hurts.  I want to ask why she did this but I have my own fears of rejection/losing her and her daughter if I went down that road. I did ask her when it happened in 2012 (confronted about being deleted and blocked that day)  and she said ":)on't let silly facebook interfere with our relationship" and gave me time to be upset. She deleted me and all family members associated with me (her bio fam- she was adopted) in 2012 when she originally was not going to come to my wedding due to selfish reasons and said that she was relieved to lose the "competitive nature" of Facebook and said she had deleted all but adoptive family from a different state (FL) and friends I was not associated with. I figured she could not handle seeing pictures from the wedding since we were so close and she was not going. Eventually we distanced and now that we are closer again I am trying to figure out if it is normal to feel hurt by the fact that I am blocked on Facebook and Instagram. I only know about Instagram from searching from a different account and she doesn't know I know she still has that or a Facebook. When I start to feel closer to her or a deeper relationship the thoughts/feelings sneak back in that she hides from me on the internet and there's a big chunk of her life she chooses for me not to see, but allows others to see. And it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me and I take it personally, it hurts, and I can't talk to her about it.

I'm just feeling lost and insecure with it all. I miss the relationship we had but I'm scared to jump back in and I don't understand why she doesn't want me to be a part of her online life, even thought I know it's just "stupid facebook."

Thank ya'll for any advice. 

[Kwamina]

Welcome back ballerina802

My family member with BPD (not diagnosed just suggested by my psychologist after many stories and struggles) and I have reconnected a lot lately. I feel as if my guard is going down and I am about to jump back in emotionally. She has improved a lot after I started putting up boundaries and having less and less time between when we talked (used to be daily, moved to bi-weekly and now back to every 2-5 days).

You feel like her behavior has improved a lot after you started to set boundaries with her. Do you know if she has also been doing some work herself to try and deal with her issues? Do you feel like she acknowledges that there might be something wrong with her behavior?

I'm just feeling lost and insecure with it all. I miss the relationship we had but I'm scared to jump back in

How would you describe the relationship you had, also taking into account all the things you've learned about BPD? I think your fear is quite understandable given what you've been through with her. No matter what you decide to do, I think it's very good that you've had the support of a psychologist to help you process all of this and have also been able to set boundaries with her When it comes to dealing with people with BPD, boundaries are essential to protect and preserve your own well-being. You might not be able to change the other person, but by changing your own behavior and setting boundaries, you can influence the dynamics of the relationship

I don't understand why she doesn't want me to be a part of her online life, even thought I know it's just "stupid facebook."

I can relate to your feelings about this matter. To you it's clearly not just "stupid facebook" because she deleted you from it after deciding not to come to your wedding. Could it perhaps be that now that you are reconnecting again, this block on facebook is a constant reminder of this painful memory? Do you feel like as long as she still blocks you there, you can't really reconnect with her like you used to?

[ballerina82]

  I think she has done some reflection, I do not believe that she has received therapy. I think once I set the boundary it changed her a little bit. Usually when people set boundaries she cuts them off but she did not cut me off, she disappeared here and there for various reasons, but came back around to my surprise.

Our relationship was described by my psychologist almost as an addiction. It felt so good to have those deep conversations and to have someone that *really understood me and what I thought was caring, but then once you got into it, it was bad for you and toxic. I believe she cares and loves me as much as she can because I think she would not be in my life if she did not. Our relationship, however, was me giving a lot emotionally and being her "savior" at times. When I look back on it, I get nostalgic sometimes, but also angry that I let someone affect me so deeply. It was a lot of walking on eggshells and praising, but at times I received a lot of praise and appreciation too. But it always felt like if I did put up a boundary she would be gone, and that was a very scary and insecure way to live. I still get that feeling sometimes, but I know I would be okay.

I think Facebook was important to me because it was a place where we could show our love and post all over about our lives, and I just love(d) her so much that seeing her updates and pictures of us together meant a lot to me. I had reconnected with her on social media years prior and I felt like she shut me out of a big piece of her world and like I meant less to her. The wedding stuff worked out and was no longer painful so it's not so much that. I guess it's that I feel lied to even though lying is not tolerated by her. But then I also feel relief because I feel I can be more free on Facebook and not worry about her taking things personally or being "competitive." I just wish that I could talk to her about it like I would with most people but I am too scared.

[HappyChappy]

When I start to feel closer to her or a deeper relationship the thoughts/feelings sneak back in that she hides from me on the internet and there's a big chunk of her life she chooses for me not to see, but allows others to see. And it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me and I take it personally, it hurts, and I can't talk to her about it.

Firstly well done on setting boundaries, not easy with a BPD. Secondly, and this is only based on what you've written here, but your BPD does appear to be demonstrating very typical BPD mapiulation. Bit of gas lighting in there with "silly facebook" and you say you "feel like there's something wrong with me". Which to be honest is exactly what a BPD wants you to feel. Never forget that a BPD is constantly manipulating, so of course she want's to keep you on your toes and feeling there's something wrong. If you got upset about facebook, then of course she'll use it again. A BPD is very good at remembering your triggers. So be assured there's nothing wrong with you, the issue is a BPD plays games all the times. So we just have to avoid playing that game with them. From what you say, you don't need Facebook connectivity with your BPD - or do you ?