If I wasn't sure before...

[ShadowIntheNight]

I keep journals. I don't write everyday, but apparently I write enough and apparently keep enough journals that help me see things I may have missed earlier.

In my case I was with my ex 9.5 yrs. We had MANY experiences together. When you're in the middle of a life, you don't necessarily see or recall everything except in retrospect.

I found this journal entry just today that I wrote sometime back in 2007, probably in January or February. As I recall I got her an engagement ring in July of 2007. So this was before that happened I'm pretty sure or I wouldn't have written it.

"I can't believe what a total recluse I've become. I mean it's astonishing to me that none of my friends are around anymore. I don't quite get it. And she (my uBPDexgf) CHEWS ME A NEW HOLE ABOUT NOT CALLING HER LAST SUNDAY, and this week she hasn't wanted to talk to me at all."

So there you have it. My ex did exhibit BPD traits even in the early years of our relationship. There's the trait of removing old friends and anyone close to us except her. There's the push/pull behavior. There's the abandonment issue about wanting me to be in constant contact with her. Three MAJOR traits in 4 sentences from 2007. How I wish I had heard of BPD back thing... .

[Pou]

sure thing.  myself is the same ... .and the worst thing is that I have literally picked my NPDw over my own family, bending backwards for her and her wishes ... .thinking we were building something new and need to compromise.  Turned out I keep on compromising and she keeps on taking, without a sense of appreciation and empathy.  emotionally empty in our relationship... .I think in my head, I had this image of her and I was in love with THAT and not the real her.  It is like being under a spell and it does take quite a bit of shaking to wake up and see where I really am at.  Hindsight is always 20-20.

[tholian]

When i look back at my experience with my ex, i noticed so many red flags that i missed. Example, she wants me to spend time with her only or the time she tried to call off the engagement just because i didn't go see her when she asked me to. It's amazing how we don't realize lot's of things at that moment but when things are done and over, we see it clearly and wonder whatever possessed us to go through all this.

[Turkish]

I arm chair diagnosed my ex as having BPD traits 8 months into our r/s. I dismissed it, went past one recycle, was "forced" into therapy, then chose to propose, and get her pregnant. Then 2 years later, despite my misgivings based upon child 1 and her depression (including one suicide ideation, and general emotional instability), chose to do it again.

What does experience teach us, that it's necessary? I always prided myself on not being foolish like so many, but I feel that I was. Or was it just that I let my Rescuer traits go too far, as my T suggested?

[ShadowIntheNight]

My ex and I were together quite a long time and we went through a lot of things, several deaths in our families, illnesses, custody battles, her changing jobs several times, custody battle with her exH.  All of these things I could use and attribute to stress in our relationship and her not being able to handle it, hence her anger and other behaviors. As I've said many times, we were together 9.5 years. I never heard the term BPD until almost 4 months after she left.

The thing is is that my uBPDexgf is a therapist herself. In many things she seems to be very high functioning. Kind of like a dry drunk, if you've ever heard that phrase. I have questioned whether she has the disorder and wondered if I've used it as just a means to give reason for the ending of our relationship, albeit in a hard, cruel manner.

For me, I have second guessed myself and thought is it possible I just imagined certain things, or have I  attributed behaviors to her that didn't exist because I've seen them online so much these last few months.

But I found an actual journal entry from 8 years ago describing her actions that are clearly showing her having BPD traits whether she is diagnosed or not, and I knew nothing about the disorder then. I was just recording some things that happened to me. For me finding this is almost an affirmation that what happened between us wasn't her homophobia or something wrong with me. Instead it's almost like having concrete evidence that she probably, sadly does have BPD.

And selfishly, I might add, it may also mean that whomever is there with her now is probably getting rung thru the ringer and it isn't all sunshine and rainbows for them the way I've imagined all these months.

All these months I've been terribly angry with her, but I now feel sorry for her. Not compassion. Just sorry.

[cosmonaut]

One of the things that makes the end of these relationships so hard is that there are indeed so many unanswered questions.  We don't have any closure and we are left on our own to try and make sense of a situation that doesn't make much sense.  Often there are questions we will never have the answer to, because only our exes could give us the answers - except that they are not able to do so.  In the end, we just have to draw the best conclusions that we can with what we have.

I think that's great news that your old journal entry was able to help you to resolve some of these questions.  I think all of us that don't have a BPD diagnosis for our exes (most of us here), have wondered the same thing.  We've doubted ourselves and wondered if maybe we are wrong in suspecting BPD.  I certainly have, especially because my ex in some ways does not fit the typical pattern.  It's not an easy diagnosis even for professionals, and the spectrum of the disorder is very broad.  Some of our exes may only have traits and may not meet the full clinical criteria.  Regardless, we tend to just work under the assumption that our gut instinct is correct and our exes have BPD.  Because ultimately what really matters is allowing us to achieve closure on a very painful relationship.  We need to heal, and if BPD helps us to make sense of a crazy relationship, I'd tell anyone here to go with it.  It sounds like you've found that, and I'm really happy for you, Shadow.  I know that learning about BPD has given me so much context to things that simply made no sense before.

It sounds like you've made quite a bit of progress lately, Shadow, and I think that's wonderful.  I really am happy for you.   

[Beach_Babe]

I had a similar experience too, shadow. I found something that made me remember he did disappear on me for 9 months back in 2004, and returned the next year when he was going to be in my area and needed a ride from airport. He just popped up again after all that time out of nowhere. I wish i had known about BPD then too. I guess history does repeat itself... .

[apollotech]

"And selfishly, I might add, it may also mean that whomever is there with her now is probably getting rung thru the ringer and it isn't all sunshine and rainbows for them the way I've imagined all these months.

All these months I've been terribly angry with her, but I now feel sorry for her. Not compassion. Just sorry."

Shadow,

I am very happy to see you turning this corner. I follow your threads and have known that you've been very angry, understandably so.

You lived it with her. You are correct, because of her disorder, sunshine and rainbows are not in her future, no matter who she is with. My BPDexgf is now trying to reengage me. She has a new guy. In the very same texts that she sends attempting my re-engagement, she invariably will tell me how wonderful the new guy is and how "extremely happy" she is with him. What my BPDexgf is attempting is transparent, childish, and ultimately, just sad---for her, as well as for him. Their disorder prevents them from having a real intimate relationship with anyone, regardless of how it may appear at times. In my situation, I had to accept that, to my BPDexgf, I was indeed not someone special, I was just someone.

Ultimately I believe that your sorry for will transform into pity of as you progress. It is great to hear that your anger is dissipating. Stay strong my friend. We never had a chance. It was never us.

[Infared]

Shadow... .I like you did not know anything about BPD until long after the abrupt ending of my relationship.  I did not keep a journal but I did have an event a year out that I just have to remember when I want to long for the days of mirroring.

I was on a date... . or  more specifically, on my way to one. My date was in her car following me and I was miles from my and my ex's hometown. It was dark outside... . and we were driving in the right hand lane of a 4-lane highway, my date behind me ... .we came to a red light and stopped.  I was looking in my rear view mirror and in the thrill of early dating admiring this attractive woman that I was having dinner with.

THEN, I sensed something to the left of me... . (can't make this stuff up).  There was my ex in her car by herself (she was currently living with my replacement)... . she has her dome light turned on and is leaning across to the passenger seat as if looking out the window, not at me but like staring out to the sky in front of my car? Striking a pose, if you will... .as if to say... . here is the candy , infared... . and you can't have any. Super weird! She had no idea my date was behind me either.  I will never forget that moment.  

This woman knew that she had broken my heart and devastated me by running off with another man. (Oh, and lying about it). I had not been mean to her or anything, I was in too much shock and pain and confusion.  

What "sane" person behaves like that?  When I think of that moment (there were many others),, I have to disspell the thought that I should expect any kind of normal, balanced behavior from this person. Totally. It was that and some other incidences that eventually lead me to looking into mental illnesses and eventually reading up about BPD and finding this website.

Finding this out has lead me to understand so much more of what happened in my relationship with my ex.

It isn't pretty... . but once I realized that I was dealing with a person with a personality disorder I started to heal more fully, and have a better understanding as to what had gone down. Thank God.