That moment when you quickly find out that...

[Depression = 72% of members]

... .it is much easier to dish out "Run run run run away, don't look back!" advice to other people than to actually stick to it yourself.

I think I've posted here enough over the past several months for regulars to know my story. To make a long story short - 6 month long distance relationship that started with a spectacular date and ended with  a 3 sentence text that didn't even say it was over. A completely insane ending that was pretty much shocking to all my friends as well as me. No contact for almost 5 months with an exception two texts we exchanged a couple of months ago. No contact... .until last Wednesday... .

Last Wednesday night, out of nowhere, I got a text from her asking for an apartment shopping advice. She is moving for work. Much much closer to me (a 4 hour drive as opposed to a 2 hour flight), we will actually be in the same state now. I used to live in the city she is moving to, so I guess that's how I popped up in her head. Up until now, there was so much silence coming from her (that's after 6 months of getting 100+ texts per day from her), you'd think either I died for her or she died for me. Since then, we have exchanged some texts, nothing major. Of course she wants to meet up and catch up. I said, maybe but deep down inside I know that if it happens, things will probably snowball into something I am not sure I wanna do. Never once I either went back to the woman I dated for the second round or took somebody else back, BPD or no BPD. Never even considered it because normally once a relationship is done, it is done for good reasons. This one... .I have done so many out of character things (not necessarily bad ones, I just have never had a woman I was so crazy about) for her, it is simply weird for me to watch myself do all that.

Anyway, probably should stop being stupid and slowly back away and disappear. I just have never walked away from a woman I was so crazy about before. I know this is in my best interest and all that. But it is just... .so... .damn... .tough... .

[Invictus01]

... .it is much easier to dish out "Run run run run away, don't look back!" advice to other people than to actually stick to it yourself.

I think I've posted here enough over the past several months for regulars to know my story. To make a long story short - 6 month long distance relationship that started with a spectacular date and ended with  a 3 sentence text that didn't even say it was over. A completely insane ending that was pretty much shocking to all my friends as well as me. No contact for almost 5 months with an exception two texts we exchanged a couple of months ago. No contact... .until last Wednesday... .

Last Wednesday night, out of nowhere, I got a text from her asking for an apartment shopping advice. She is moving for work. Much much closer to me (a 4 hour drive as opposed to a 2 hour flight), we will actually be in the same state now. I used to live in the city she is moving to, so I guess that's how I popped up in her head. Up until now, there was so much silence coming from her (that's after 6 months of getting 100+ texts per day from her), you'd think either I died for her or she died for me. Since then, we have exchanged some texts, nothing major. Of course she wants to meet up and catch up. I said, maybe but deep down inside I know that if it happens, things will probably snowball into something I am not sure I wanna do. Never once I either went back to the woman I dated for the second round or took somebody else back, BPD or no BPD. Never even considered it because normally once a relationship is done, it is done for good reasons. This one... .I have done so many out of character things (not necessarily bad ones, I just have never had a woman I was so crazy about) for her, it is simply weird for me to watch myself do all that.

Anyway, probably should stop being stupid and slowly back away and disappear. I just have never walked away from a woman I was so crazy about before. I know this is in my best interest and all that. But it is just... .so... .damn... .tough... .

[Infern0]

It is hard to follow your own advice.

It's a head vs heart thing,  which is why the answers are obvious in cases we are not directly involved in.  My advice would be the same as always which is follow your brain not your heart. If she did you like that before she'll do it again.

I had to walk away from mine because I started detecting the writing was on the wall and she was probably lining up a replacement. 

She may have been or may not,  but I don't think I could ever trust her again,  so... .

[raisins3142]

Reminds me of an alcoholic walking into a bar to prove how strong he is.  I don't want to set myself up to fail.  So, I don't go around my ex at all.  Maybe that makes sense for you.

[Invictus01]

Yeah, I know guys... .The whole her moving bit just completely caught me off guard. She talked about moving when we were together... .she talked about moving to my state for work (the headquarters are there) and how it would be so nice to be closer to me... .and 5 months later she actually does what we talked about. I don't know, just completely caught me off guard. To be honest, I didn't think I'd ever hear from her again. The way she ended things, you see things like that when the guy completely mistreats a woman and one day she just picks up and disappears out of his life. That's what it reminded me of. Plus, she got a heavy streak of NPD in her and from everything I've read, the more NPD they are, the less of a chance there is for them to even try to recycle.

[Loosestrife]

" I just have never walked away from a woman I was so crazy about before. I know this is in my best interest and all that. But it is just... .so... .damn... .tough... ."

I haven't managed it so I know how tough it is, but from your whole post the words 'crazy about' stand out the most for me. I hope you can find some strength my friend 

[ShadowIntheNight]

. That's what it reminded me of. Plus, she got a heavy streak of NPD in her and from everything I've read, the more NPD they are, the less of a chance there is for them to even try to recycle.

Woah. Mine got totally NPD at the end. And I'm convinced she won't be back... .

[apollotech]

Invictus,

You know the song, and you know the dance. You know how it all ends. The only advice that I can give is that you let your rational self make your decisions rather than your emotional self. I agree with you, reigning in our emotions is tough,  but look at the alternative: If you are not in control of yourself, she possibly could be in control of you again. One thought that keeps me away from my BPDexgf is that I know that, as she is (untreated), there is no future with her.

I wish you all the best on whichever path you choose.

[Infared]

Invictus... . I suffered repeatedly and terribly by listening to my heart and not my brain.  YOU are telling US what you need to do. Just listen to yourself.  Your brain knows!... .

She discarded you with s 3-sentence text... . and now she needs your help and she contacts you.

I just this afternoon had a situation where someone was deceiving me (not a love situation), and it REALLY effected my life in a negative way.  I have had a lot of therapy, and in a self-help group and believe in a God of my understanding... . so... . I actually extended a little "love" (not romantic) to this person and they became more reasonable.

We are parting ways in a business situation... . but they behaved very poorly, were/are ashamed and I was able to be a good person and not make the situation worse.

I do not know if that is a possibility with a pwBPD ... . but what I am trying to say, is that you can take care of you with out "running"... . you can stay right where you are, express yourself with dignity and love and not engage in the craziness anymore. ... . and you can state that, flat out.  It is a very empowering feeling to do this with someone who has mistreated you. Do you think you can trust this person again?  Do you think that you owe this person anything... . because if you throw caution to the wind, and become a doormat, the only message that you are giving this person is that they can discard you, and you will still be there for them.   Right?

I stood up to mine in a calm loving way and straight out told her that her behavior was certainly not acceptable to me and that she was not the person I thought she was and that I did not want her in my life any more.  Hardest thing I ever did because I was crazy for her.  Guess what... . for the most part she has stayed out of my life and when she tries to inject herself into my life (for what reason I do not know as she is living with and married to my replacement), I just deflect her.  I do not talk to her.  I have learned through painful experience that it is not healthy for me to talk to her. What I see... . is that I can love her... . but she cannot or will not love me.  Painful and upsetting... . but that is God's truth for me.  If I do not want to see that... . I can put my head back in the oven at any time and get lots more pain.

I do not know if my situation compares to yours... . but just do what you need to do to love you... . be calm... .and it will come to you... .

[Tim300]

I just have never walked away from a woman I was so crazy about before.

It seems like you are soliciting blunt comments, so I'll give you my unfettered thoughts.  The above sentence really stood out for me.  What are you so crazy about her for?  I remember reading on one blog that if a girl has BPD it's an automatic minus 8 to whatever her score would be on a 1-10 scale.  So if this girl is a 9 in your eyes, make that a 1.  Evolutionary psychology -- and experience -- informs me that when a guy is "crazy" about a girl it's because he wants to have children with her.  :)o you want to have children with a pwBPD?  

Also, and I mean this seriously, are you indifferent about having your career get derailed or being murdered?  I understand that I might sound a bit dramatic, but I really don't think BPD should be underestimated.  If you met my BPDex-fiancee you would never guess that she would act in life threatening ways to the closest person in her life, and I bet Travis Alexander was caught off guard too.

I understand if you fall in love and then later find out about the illness while things are ongoing, but here you've had a chance to step out of it and really understand what BPD is.  You are really still interested?  Please call me out if I'm being too hard on you or inquisitive.  I am just trying to help.  I wish the best for you whatever course you take.

[raisins3142]

It was easy for me at first to crave my ex's presence and think of her good qualities etc.

If you really want away then time removes these feelings.

[mks10]

It took me 10 months to figure this out. I tried everything I could of think of during that 10 months to get back together with my ex but she stonewalled me the entire time. It was just excuse after excuse with her begging me for money every so often. It finally got so ridiculous that I just had to cut the ripcord. It was sadness mixed with relief after 10 months of her BS.

[Beach_Babe]

Actually, NPDs are even MORE likely to come back -and shamelessly at that- if you can still provide some use or benefit to them. Dont do it. Run. They will screw you each time.

[Invictus01]

Yeah, trust me, you all make sense. Don't get me wrong, over the past 5 months I have read up and studied up on various personality disorders so much, you'd think my life depended on it. I know more on that topic than I ever wanted to know or for that matter ever thought existed. I never tried to get her back because I know what I am dealing with. In fact, if she just got back at me last week with some sort of random BS, I would have ignored it. But the whole moving thing just knocked me off balance. Back when we were together, we talked about her moving to that city to be closer to her company's headquarters for more opportunities career wise... . and to be closer to me. And she is actually doing it now and it just makes the whole situation even more screwed up. But, I really don't have a choice here. I stand to lose a whole lot of friends if I even considered a recycle. She didn't burn bridges with them when she walked away the way she did, she nuked them. I am talking about people I have known for years and years or even a couple of decades, you don't throw away friendships like that.

[Infared]

Yeah, trust me, you all make sense. Don't get me wrong, over the past 5 months I have read up and studied up on various personality disorders so much, you'd think my life depended on it. I know more on that topic than I ever wanted to know or for that matter ever thought existed. I never tried to get her back because I know what I am dealing with. In fact, if she just got back at me last week with some sort of random BS, I would have ignored it. But the whole moving thing just knocked me off balance. Back when we were together, we talked about her moving to that city to be closer to her company's headquarters for more opportunities career wise... . and to be closer to me. And she is actually doing it now and it just makes the whole situation even more screwed up. But, I really don't have a choice here. I stand to lose a whole lot of friends if I even considered a recycle. She didn't burn bridges with them when she walked away the way she did, she nuked them. I am talking about people I have known for years and years or even a couple of decades, you don't throw away friendships like that.

Yeah... . I know it is upsetting to you. ... . but here is the difference with BPD's and Non's.   If I broke up with someone (which would have been civilly with a sit down and talk thru at the very least. Just something respectful), I would not use them for my needs knowing that following through with a plan that we had talked about with them no longer included, would just be painful for them and I would not do that to them.  I would have some love, respect and some empathy that I had hurt them, no matter what, and that I should do this on my own without upsetting them, or using them.   ... . but with a BPD... . "hey I have a need and I want help" ... . they are not thinking about ANYONE but themselves.  Be it mental illness or not it still comes down as hurt to you.  Factor in an ugly, psycho, lying breakup like I had... . (don't know the details on yours), and it would just be soo inappropriate to contact me for help on ANY level (especially because she is following thru on a plan you had together and you are no longer included, and she is moving closer to you and that is not something that you need to know either... . )... . and open a bunch of emotional wounds.   ... . but they are incapable of seeing our side of it.   If anything perhaps this can enamor your no contact as you can see who this person really is.  Isn't this like abuse?   Or ... . am I being too intense?'

I am sorry that you are going through this experience.  I am always amazed at the callousness of some situations.  Always blows me away!