Indifference vs removing self from Karpman Drama Triangle

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

              Click on diagram to see lead site article

So, my exBPD and her new gf are attending a community event that I'm supposed to be going to. Or so they've indicated on the event Facebook page.

They may well of course not go, but could be continuing their roles on the Karpman Drama Triangle, along with the ongoing passive / agressive behaviour towards me.

The new g/f made a reference to my ex in a section of the post, about getting a room together after the event, knowing full well of course that I might see the post. Most people would probably make private arrangements with each other by text, so their actions in making that public 'seem' antagonistic, but I should of course try not to read too much into it.

It just goes along with the other passive / aggressive behaviour which is continuing to drive past my house regularly (we live in the same apartment complex), despite me asking them to use the alternate complex driveway. I could escalate this but have decided it will just continue the drama, and I have no desire to do that. I am trying to just be indifferent about that.

I have two options re this event:

1. I can take the view that I am not going to let the ex intimidate me into staying home / not attending, and turn up and ignore her / be indifferent; or

2. I can avoid the event and not get onto the drama triange whatsoever.

What are people's views? I don't want to have to avoid events, but I'm also not sure if it is worth the effort attending and toughing out the 'indifference' attitude.

[parisian]

              Click on diagram to see lead site article

So, my exBPD and her new gf are attending a community event that I'm supposed to be going to. Or so they've indicated on the event Facebook page.

They may well of course not go, but could be continuing their roles on the Karpman Drama Triangle, along with the ongoing passive / agressive behaviour towards me.

The new g/f made a reference to my ex in a section of the post, about getting a room together after the event, knowing full well of course that I might see the post. Most people would probably make private arrangements with each other by text, so their actions in making that public 'seem' antagonistic, but I should of course try not to read too much into it.

It just goes along with the other passive / aggressive behaviour which is continuing to drive past my house regularly (we live in the same apartment complex), despite me asking them to use the alternate complex driveway. I could escalate this but have decided it will just continue the drama, and I have no desire to do that. I am trying to just be indifferent about that.

I have two options re this event:

1. I can take the view that I am not going to let the ex intimidate me into staying home / not attending, and turn up and ignore her / be indifferent; or

2. I can avoid the event and not get onto the drama triange whatsoever.

What are people's views? I don't want to have to avoid events, but I'm also not sure if it is worth the effort attending and toughing out the 'indifference' attitude.

[Mutt]

It just goes along with the other passive / aggressive behaviour which is continuing to drive past my house regularly (we live in the same apartment complex), despite me asking them to use the alternate complex driveway.

Hi parisan,

I've asked my ex to stop certain things. I can only control myself, if she does X I respond with Y.

How much do you want to go to the event?

Is it a re-occurring event or a one time event?

Attend some other time?

An option could be wait until you're comfortable, indifferent and able to remain centered from your ex and her drama.

Do you think it's important that you're enjoying yourself and not "walking on eggshells" if you attend?

[parisian]

Thanks for your wisdom Mutt.

I certainly can't control her driving past. I just need to continue to ignore it. I imagine it must be triggering in some way for her each time she does it also - ie. can't be healthy for her either as she's not moving on by continuing to do that. I imagine her driving past every day reminds her in some way of the shame and embarassment of her behaviour from our relationship, as well as a constant reminder that I abandoned her. Although it's impossible to know what they think so I shouldn't really speculate. She was extremely passive agressive towards people - including making some very unkind and derogatory comments about people that were supposed to be her friends, so I have no doubt her actions in continuing to drive past are part of that ongoing behaviour.

I'd like to go but it's not critical. It is a recurring event and she will likely be at all of them. Specutaively, not on account of wanting to go, but more on account of being there to intimidate me into not going.

It might be best to just avoid it all together until I am at that strong point of indifference. I have already run into her once, and I just sat with my back to her and eventually she ended up leaving, but she was not there with the new g/f. I expect in this circumstance she will be keen to try and rub the new r/s in my face, as well, the new g/f I am sure has been pulled in as the 'rescuer' and is also on the bandwagon of wanting to intimidate me. That's the impression I get from being told about her rather aggressive facebook posts.

[Mutt]

You know her behaviors best and if she's passive aggressive, there's a good chance she'll rub it in your face.

You'll reach your goal of indifference, depersonalization and not taking polarized sides of the roles your ex may cast you in if you work at it.

I suggest sit this one out.

There's more than one event.

[parisian]

Thanks oh wise one .

[Mutt]

Thanks oh wise one .

You're welcome.

I made a lot of unwise choices to get there 

I thank my ex for that.

[apollotech]

"1. I can take the view that I am not going to let the ex intimidate me into staying home / not attending, and turn up and ignore her / be indifferent; or

2. I can avoid the event and not get onto the drama triange whatsoever."

parisian,

I am with Mutt, if you had reached indifference, whether you should/could attend the event or not attend the event wouldn't be an issue. Make your decisions based on what is best for you. You are only responsible for yourself and your actions. Faking indifference is of no value to you; although you may fool her, them, you will take the damage regardless.

[parisian]

I was struggling with this decision all day. I was at the point where I actually felt physically sick this afternoon, and my body was saying 'don't go'.

I'm reporting back. Tonight was the most cathartic experience I've had since I called it off. I was just very very lucky it turned out like it did. Here's what happened:

ExBPDgf turned up at the event, accompanied by two married friends (one whom I'd had a friendship with for 10 years, that said some very hurtful things to me and then ignored me).

The new gf never showed. Ex sat there in her tiny circle of three, not saying hi to anyone else (she didn't know anyone else really).

I knew heaps of people and socialised and laughed and had a damn fine time.

This was an event where the ex had a prime opportunity for her and the new gf to rub it in my face. But she couldn't. New gf wasn't there. And of course I have spent several minutes speculating and wondering if this is the beginnning of the end of her new r/s... . why was new g/f not at the event, when she'd replied on fbk that she would be? When this was 'the' opportunity for my ex to 'show off' the younger gf... .

And in having the night unfold the way it did, I am feeling the strongest I have felt in months... .

I owned it and I feel like I got my power back .

I am sorry I didn't take your advice Mutt, but if I had stayed home tonight, I would still be stuck in a bad groove. It could have played out very differently, but I feel like after tonight, things have shifted for me in an awesome way.

[Mutt]

Hi parisian,

Good to hear things have shifted  

I was struggling with this decision all day. I was at the point where I actually felt physically sick this afternoon, and my body was saying 'don't go'.

What made you feel physically sick?

Where you thinking / feeling about the ex and how it would impact her if you showed up?

Where you feeling anxious with indecisiveness?

[parisian]

What made you feel physically sick? It felt very much like the same type of anxiety I had when I was with her. I think it was general anxiousness about seeing her and the new gf out in public

Where you thinking / feeling about the ex and how it would impact her if you showed up?  I wasn't thinking about how the ex would feel at all. I have no doubt she was more than aware that I was going. Her gf could see that I was attending the event, and made what seemed like a deliberate public post so I would also see. I wasn't concerned or thinking about either of their feelings. That is really none of my business I guess.

Where you feeling anxious with indecisiveness? No, it was just general anxiety out of concern of seeing them both there together.