How to explain NC to family members that "don't know"?

[StoneFlower]

My mother is an uBPD. I went NC with her two and a half years ago when she went from Queen into full fledged Witch right before my wedding. Extended family and close family friends tried hard to get us talking again, but I stayed firm and said there would be NC until I received an apology for her behavior. I, of course, never received one (well, not a REAL one) , but she continues to tell everyone that she HAS apologized and taken full responsibility and that I refuse to accept her apology. While I think they know that something about her isn't quite right, they don't know a FRACTION of the psychological warfare I have endured with her my entire life. She was a high functioning Hermit to the outside world, and a Hermit Queen at home to my white brother and my father. She saved Witch Queen for me.

What do I tell these people? Most of them have let it go, but I still get asked about it. It's not bullying or rude - mostly it's questions like, "When are you going to start talking to your mother again?" or "Can you reconsider? I know she is very sorry." Do I just blurt out that I spent 35 years with a BPD abusive monster? Do I tell them to mind their own business? I do care what they think of me, but I'm tired of being treated like *I'm* the bad guy.

[Kwamina]

Hello StoneFlower

Thanks for posting your story and welcome to our online community  Since you are using terms such as Hermit, Queen and Witch I suspect you are already quite familiar with the BPD character profiles described in the book 'Understanding the borderline mother'. I am sorry you too have experienced your mother turning into a so-called 'Witch'. I have an undiagnosed BPD mother myself and have at times also experienced the Witch which led me to dread the moment she might turn into one again, the dreaded 'Turn'.

You've been NC with your mother for two and a half years now. Is this the first time you've been NC with her?

I think many of our members will be able to relate to your story. Many of us have a BPD parent too, sometimes officially diagnosed but often not. It's hard to discuss these things with outsiders because they often really don't get what it's like to live with a BPD parent unless they've been through it themselves (and are also willing to acknowledge it).

The people asking you these questions only know a fraction of your story and yet are basing their entire judgement on that fraction. Though I understand that it's almost a 'natural' instinct of many people to judge, you could also say that people need to be self-critical and remind themselves that their judgments or conclusions might not be based on all the evidence. Children of BPD parents often find themselves dealing with two realities, the reality of the outside world and the reality of what goes on behind the closed doors of their family home. Who are the people asking you to reconsider or talk to your mother again? Are it those extended family members or close family friends you mentioned?

[StoneFlower]

Hello StoneFlower

Thanks for posting your story and welcome to our online community  Since you are using terms such as Hermit, Queen and Witch I suspect you are already quite familiar with the BPD character profiles described in the book 'Understanding the borderline mother'. I am sorry you too have experienced your mother turning into a so-called 'Witch'. I have an undiagnosed BPD mother myself and have at times also experienced the Witch which led me to dread the moment she might turn into one again, the dreaded 'Turn'.

You've been NC with your mother for two and a half years now. Is this the first time you've been NC with her?

I think many of our members will be able to relate to your story. Many of us have a BPD parent too, sometimes officially diagnosed but often not. It's hard to discuss these things with outsiders because they often really don't get what it's like to live with a BPD parent unless they've been through it themselves (and are also willing to acknowledge it).

The people asking you these questions only know a fraction of your story and yet are basing their entire judgement on that fraction. Though I understand that it's almost a 'natural' instinct of many people to judge, you could also say that people need to be self-critical and remind themselves that their judgments or conclusions might not be based on all the evidence. Children of BPD parents often find themselves dealing with two realities, the reality of the outside world and the reality of what goes on behind the closed doors of their family home. Who are the people asking you to reconsider or talk to your mother again? Are it those extended family members or close family friends you mentioned?

Hello, Kwamina 

Yes, I've only recently become familiar with the profiles. My therapist and a good friend of mine that lived through a similar childhood both told me that my mother is likely BPD within 48 hours of each other. It was too big of a coincidence, and I immediately started researching. It didn't take long to find some long needed answers, I'm sure many other people feel like me when the dots connect. I'm still in a bit of disbelief that other people have went through this, and that there are actual clinical terms for things my mother did. As silly as it sounds, when I saw the description of the word "gaslighting" I sobbed for nearly an hour. That one single word was so powerful - it summed up so many moments in my life that I always struggled to explain.

At first my dad's sister, my godparents, and my mom's brother were hitting me hard to reconcile. I described the incident (and a vague "this is not at all uncommon behavior", and gained their agreement that I deserved an apology. Once they realized my mother was not going to apologize, they let it go. I'm not sure what kind of personal conversations they had with her that brought them to that conclusion, and to be honest, I have a feeling it's going to come back up again soon. The "new heros" are my mother's sister and her neices and nephews. I'm pretty sure her sister is BPD, but her kids are not. I think they have just been abused into thinking they have to deal with it, and I should too since "you only have one mother". This, however, is only a suspicion because my mother and her sister didn't speak for 25 years and this portion of my family is fairly new in my life.

This is the first time I've gone NC for more than a few months. Her rage episode before my wedding was the final straw. I took her abuse my entire life - I'm sure as hell not going to let her drag my husband into it. No one deserves that.

[Demeter]

I often attend a family reunion that UBPD mom doesn't. Her cousins often ask how she is doing and to relay a message. I usually tell them I'm not sure, I haven't spoken to her in awhile or to check with my grandmother because she knows more. Always in  a polite voice. For those who do know I tell them I don't want to discuss this with you. I am not comfortable. If they continued, I found an excuse to walk way.

Good luck! 

[HappyChappy]

Stone Flower  I’ve been NC for a year and half, so totally understand your position. I also have not had an apology. But what I’ve found is those that matter to me, my immediate family and friends, all totally understand. Because I’ve told them the full story. Are the people asking you questions key relationships or acquaintances or distant relatives?

My BPD has of course got distant relatives and acquaintances believing all sorts of false truths. But what helped me, is radical acceptance. Full excepting that we cannot change the view of a BPD and cannot compete with their propaganda machine.  So why care about the options of people holding prejudice? So now, I don’t really care if some easily malleable distant relative buys into prejudicial views. I haven’t got the energy or time to combat that. If you can’t change it, change how you view it. Hope that’s relevant and helpful to you.

Demeter makes a good point - why not do what a NPD would do, and keep it vauge and non commital. You don't have to go there, you can change the subject, or say "not sure".   

[Suzn]

Welcome StoneFlower

Glad you have found your way to the boards, though I'm sorry you've had to. 

I'm sure many other people feel like me when the dots connect. I'm still in a bit of disbelief that other people have went through this, and that there are actual clinical terms for things my mother did.

This has been a new revelation for me as well. I've lived far away from my mother so distance being a buffer has helped but it also hid a lot of the traits for a very long time. My mother doesn't fit into the witch category she exhibits more waif/hermit traits so it was difficult connecting the dots. My thoughts after a couple years of therapy and finding these boards after being in a romantic relationship with a person wBPD was "is this really what's going on here?" The waif/hermit fits.

I can relate to being frustrated with flip apologies. When I have confronted my mother with inappropriate behaviors she always says the same thing... . "I know, I know, (which means she is exempt from being held accountable for what she's done) I'm sorry! BUT... .and her excuse follows.

I can also relate to the straw that breaks the camels back with recent events during a year of living in the same city. I ended up moving back home. A big part of this has been my anger surrounding connecting the dots. I've decided on a period of NC to get my bearings back too. I haven't set a firm boundary there, she can call, I haven't blocked her from doing so. I just don't plan to be reaching out for a bit.

Explaining to extended family is hard since they all came from the same dysfunctional background, this is normal behavior to them for the most part. We have the advantage of the insightfulness of a T and these boards to help us see a little more clearly.

It's good to see you are setting boundaries for yourself and taking care of you. Be kind to yourself as learning all this information on BPD is new territory. Looking forward to hearing more of your story. Keep posting, it helps. 

 

[Pilpel]

Interesting topic.   It just made me think of how years ago when someone complained to me that a love one was not talking to them and cut contact, I would express sympathy and confusion.  'aw, why would they do that?'  Now that my brother married a uBPD and have experienced how BPD sil can twist facts around, treat people like s''t, then make up a whole new reality where her victim is the hostile one - now I'm more aware that some people can appear normal but not share the same reality and not take responsibility for their actions. 

In our family, me and my mom were the main targets of sil's rage, jealousy, and unrealistic expectations.  My other SIL, and some other relatives, always minimized the situation when I tried to explain what was going on. I think they thought I was just the sister that had a hard time making compromises with the outsider SIL who was a little different, I must be exaggerating.  Over time though many of them butt heads with her, particularly after my family moved out of state.  And the emotional effect she had was as disrupting and confusing on them as it was for me.  It was very validating to have them talk to me about it and say 'Now I know what you were talking about.'   

If no one has experienced it, they have no idea. I think my SIL is the sort that eventuallyplaces unrealistic expectations on people who are part of her life.  She doesn't hide the BPD as well as some others might.  Maybe you'll have a similar experience when you go NC.

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, Stoneflower,

When my husband and I (both of us have uBPDmoms - we're NC with his; a full blown Queen/Witch who uses Waif/Hermit infrequently, and LC with mine; a mostly Waif/Hermit and not nearly as bad off) are questioned or pushed about the way we handle our moms, we use a mild "that relationship is troubled and we are under professional and pastoral advice in our actions regarding them." We don't make a big deal out of it, we don't tell stories unless they're necessary (they have been recently with one or two close relatives on my side because my mom just got cancer again and folks don't know why we're not being more present for her.) But just letting people know that a doctor/counselor or a pastor (if they're the kind who respect pastors) is supportive of our actions, or even suggested the NC, is helpful. Helps them know that we've been responsible to get serious help and that we're not just angry, reactive overgrown kids who want to wound our parents.