Has anyone successfully become the guardian of an older relative with BPD

[sammy1212]

I'm wondering how long and how possible the process is.  My father's only sister (my father is passed)  is showing signs of dementia combined with BPD and her drinking makes the problem worse. ( When I did talk to her, I would never do it in the afternoon or evening).  She lives on her own in a big city.  The pattern has been about 2 different apartments in different buildings for the last 3 years.  She goes somewhere, she loves it, she loves the people, they disappoint her and then she hates it and has to move.  I don't know how much longer her money will last.  She has pushed all of her family away.  We happened to be in touch with a couple of the building managers and they begged us to get her out of their buildings, but there was nothing we could do.  It's possible she has been evicted several times.  We do know that the police had been called on her several times. She is 85.  Now that she is in yet another new building, we have no idea what is happening to her.  I still reach out to her and tell her that we are there for her, but we have no response.  I have stopped calling because I am tired of the anger, explosions and circular arguments that have no end.  Anything I say infuriates her.  Even silence. 

I pretty much know that she will die angry and alone and it has weighed on me for years.  We were very close until about 8 years ago when things started to decline.  But, I was just wondering if it is possible, now that she very probably has some kind of police record, if there is anything we can do.  I guess the only thing that could keep her safe would be to lock her up somewhere and as I write this the whole idea sounds silly, but just wanted to reach out.  Thank you.

[Kwamina]

Hi sammy1212

I still reach out to her and tell her that we are there for her, but we have no response.  I have stopped calling because I am tired of the anger, explosions and circular arguments that have no end.  Anything I say infuriates her.  Even silence.  

I pretty much know that she will die angry and alone and it has weighed on me for years.  We were very close until about 8 years ago when things started to decline.

I can understand why your aunt's current situation might make you feel anxious or worried. Did anything happen 8 years that might have triggered this decline in your relationship with her? You mention your aunt's drinking, when did this start?

But, I was just wondering if it is possible, now that she very probably has some kind of police record, if there is anything we can do.  I guess the only thing that could keep her safe would be to lock her up somewhere and as I write this the whole idea sounds silly, but just wanted to reach out.  Thank you.

It's difficult and I don't have an absolute solution for you. My only advice is to focus on the things you can do and can control. You can't control her but you can control your own behavior. You say you still reach out to her and that might be all you can do at this moment. You show that you still care for her and how she responds is up to her. This isn't a perfect solution of course but at the end of the day it's still her life and you aren't responsible for taking care of her. It's unfortunate, but you can't make her change or accept help if she doesn't want to. Perhaps by continuing to reach out to her you can at least keep somewhat of an eye on her.

[odaat]

My brother, sister and I tried with our mother. We failed.

We couldn't prove she was doing harm to herself or others. then because she drinks they said maybe it was the drinking.

Ha! No harm. she gave away every penny she had to a scam artist.  I'm talking A LOT of money. Like almost 7 figures.

She called the police on me for stalking when I live and work 390 km away. but no... . that wasn't sufficient proof.

The fact for us is that we have to just sit and wait.

I feel for your situation. All we have done and continue to do is wait. Eventually there is only so far down she will go and there is nothing we can do because we've tried. We've paid lawyers for advice, spoken with medical professionals and the police. They wanted video evidence and to prove it was when she was not drinking. Well, when she is alone most of the time and now refuses to see us it's hard to do that.