Hello all..

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm new here and so confused by my relationship with a woman that I have no idea where to start or where to begin explaining what is going on inside my  head. I've read a few posts about "The Knot". I've got the knot. When I wake up in the middle of the night. While I'm working. All day and every day. It feels like there is no escape from the knot. It is ruining what could be a normal healthy existence for me. I am so conflicted-I know I should cut all ties with her, and I've tried several times yet when she contacts me I get drawn back in. She displays many BPD symptoms but when I try to discuss these with her she always, always convinces me that the symptoms are mine and not hers.

Would appreciate someone to talk to,

chrisnj     

[Chrisnj]

I'm new here and so confused by my relationship with a woman that I have no idea where to start or where to begin explaining what is going on inside my  head. I've read a few posts about "The Knot". I've got the knot. When I wake up in the middle of the night. While I'm working. All day and every day. It feels like there is no escape from the knot. It is ruining what could be a normal healthy existence for me. I am so conflicted-I know I should cut all ties with her, and I've tried several times yet when she contacts me I get drawn back in. She displays many BPD symptoms but when I try to discuss these with her she always, always convinces me that the symptoms are mine and not hers.

Would appreciate someone to talk to,

chrisnj     

[fromheeltoheal]

The thing that's cool about knots is you can untie them, yes?  So share a little more Chris; sounds like the relationship you're in is painful and you found this place for a reason, so can you describe what the knot you can't escape from is a little more?

[Dunder]

What you and others have described as a knot for me was like a constant burning sensation in the pit of my stomach.   I was so enthralled by her attention and adulation that I only occasionally told myself that something wasn't right about the extreme amount of attention gave me and that she required of me.  It feels so good at the time that it's so easy to just go with it, but then came that knot. The physical discomfort would only go away when I pulled away from her, but then the burning sensation was replaced by guilt for leaving her and sadness because I missed her and all that attention and adulation! I tried many times to gently lower the temperature on the relationship which she always reacted to with the classic abandonment fear reflex that is a hallmark characteristic of BPD. This was such a double bind for me: Physical discomfort at consciously knowing this relationship can't work, but the guilt I felt when doing what was obviously the right thing and ending it. 19 days of no contact and I feel like I'm going through addiction withdrawal.

[Chrisnj]

The Knot. It feels like, as someone mentioned within this thread, a burning sensation. An ulcer perhaps. A manifestation of fear that robs me of my appetite and the ability to focus on anything other than her (and me, right)? My tendency towards codependency is a huge handicap. It feels like what I would imagine a chemically addicted individual would feel like when he/she decided to stop using. It feels like there is no escape for me. I feel hopeless and I just want my life back. I'm praying that the good people here on this site may provide some guidance for me.

By the way, thanks to everyone so far for letting me know I have friends and support. Also, I am still learning about the abbreviations and site navigation.   

[jhkbuzz]

The Knot. It feels like, as someone mentioned within this thread, a burning sensation. An ulcer perhaps. A manifestation of fear that robs me of my appetite and the ability to focus on anything other than her (and me, right)? My tendency towards codependency is a huge handicap. It feels like what I would imagine a chemically addicted individual would feel like when he/she decided to stop using. It feels like there is no escape for me. I feel hopeless and I just want my life back. I'm praying that the good people here on this site may provide some guidance for me.

By the way, thanks to everyone so far for letting me know I have friends and support. Also, I am still learning about the abbreviations and site navigation.  

Would it be fair to say that the knot is your anxiety?  My anxiety was off the charts at the end of my relationship (r/s) - and I am not a terribly anxious person by nature.  After my ex moved out (and my days became peaceful) I began to recognize how incredibly anxious I had become.  I was like the frog in the slowly boiling pot of water - I didn't realize how dire the situation was because the anxiety was incremental - slowly ratcheting up, notch by notch. Degree by degree.

Your analogy of drug addiction is a very accurate one - the end of a r/s can feel very much like a drug withdrawal.  There are actually scientific studies about this.

I also understand the hopeless, trapped feeling. It's awful.

What is the state of your r/s right now?  :)o you live together?  Is she contacting you?  How long was the r/s?

And by the way, you can look up all the abbreviations here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.0

[Mister Brightside]

Welcome, Chrisnj. You're definitely not alone here. I hope you find peace and comfort here and elsewhere as you untie "the knot." I'd say that all of us (except for maybe those who have had extreme periods of no contact and are still on these boards--but probably them too) are held back from progressing in our personal lives because of the painful, recurring thoughts that occur to us daily related to our exBPDs.

Cognitive dissonance is one of the main things at play. Our brains are having a tug of war between the fantasy of who the person portrayed himself/herself as in the idealization stage (including the potential we saw in these people despite red flags) and the reality of the situation, that these people are truly disordered. It's very difficult to let go of the fairy tale idealization, and I'm going to look into cognitive behavioral therapy to see if that does me any good to detach myself.

I believe that one day, almost all of us will be able to remove the deep seated feelings we have attached to these experiences. We'll never forget them, but one day the feelings of hopelessness and longings for the good times in the past will be gone. That involves no contact and slowly, when we're ready, becoming romantically involved with healthier individuals. I believe this because 10 years ago I was in a similar situation to the situation I'm in now, and slowly but surely the pain of that situation wore away. I think the old wounds have reopened since this current situation is so similar, but if we can work on our codependent tendencies and have healthy relationships, we'll be better people for the lessons we've learned about ourselves and how we got into these situations in the first place. Because there's no way future, healthy us, would ever get trapped in this situation.

[Chrisnj]

We live 370 miles apart. A good thing in retrospect. It was/is a long distance relationship for 2 years... . She called 2 times today. I answered both times. I knew I shouldn't but I did. We had 2 very nice conversations. She sounded calm, caring and concerned. I felt I was being drawn back in and I believe she knew exactly what she was doing. She mentioned a dish she would like to prepare for me if "she ever sees me again". I want to be strong but don't know how. It was like I couldn't say no to the phone ringing. Same old cycle and same old me with no resistance.     

[jhkbuzz]

We live 370 miles apart. A good thing in retrospect. It was/is a long distance relationship for 2 years... . She called 2 times today. I answered both times. I knew I shouldn't but I did. We had 2 very nice conversations. She sounded calm, caring and concerned. I felt I was being drawn back in and I believe she knew exactly what she was doing. She mentioned a dish she would like to prepare for me if "she ever sees me again". I want to be strong but don't know how. It was like I couldn't say no to the phone ringing. Same old cycle and same old me with no resistance.     

Has it always been long distance?  Why have you broken up in the past?

[Chrisnj]

It has always been long distance, yes. We have both done a lot of traveling. I have tried to break up with her perhaps 5 times in the past 2+ years. Maybe more. The most recent being March 31st. A few day will go by, perhaps a week or slightly more, then the contact starts up again. Partially my fault really - I'm receptive to it.

This started on a Christian dating website. I was active on the site for 3 days when she contacted me. When she latched on to me. I sensed even then that she was somewhat "overly persistent" but I was so flattered, it made me feel very special. The Messages became phone calls and the calls led to our first weekend together. As she was taking me to the airport at the end of that weekend, she engaged me in a discussion about Artificial Insemination (she underwent a tubal ligation several years before). Artificial Insemination. After 48 hours together. Red flag, which I blew off. The visits continued and her mood swings became more frequent and more intense. I reacted to them by trying to run away. Either leaving her house in my rental car (the flights became rental cars) or hanging up on her and vowing to not speak with her anymore. After the recontact, she was always able to convince me that the reason I was pulling away was fear of commitment, emotional immaturity, damage done to me by mother during my childhood, bipolar disorder, my own mood swings, and on and on and on. She told me I was taking her on an emotional roller coaster ride. It was all due to my own short comings. I was under her control at that point. I knew yet I wanted the cycle to continue. As it still does on this Sunday in April.

By the way, she was sexually abused as a child by her father. Her father died at age 36 from a drug and alcohol overdose. Heavy stuff. She was abused and then she suffered through the ultimate abandonment.

[Chrisnj]

There is so much more to tell. I don't know at what point I need to stop.

[jhkbuzz]

There is so much more to tell. I don't know at what point I need to stop.

That's a really good start Chris, and you can "tell" as much as you want.  That's what these boards are for!  

I know in my relationship I became so focused on her needs that I lost sight of my own.  I started seeing a therapist (T) at the end of my r/s, because I was a mess, had become aware that my ex had some serious mental health issues, and I needed help processing the BPD tsunami that had just wreaked havoc in my life.  In one of the first sessions she asked me what I wanted/needed and I couldn't even answer - I was so out of touch with myself that I didn't know.

In light of that ^ I'm still going to ask YOU the question:  what do you want?  Why have you posted to these boards?  What are you hoping for in your life?

[Chrisnj]

Hi again.

I want inner peace. I want to be free of the overwhelming anxiety that is hanging over my head like a black cloud every day. I want a mature relationship with a woman. I want to share my life with that woman, but I'm scared that all the good things I have to offer have all been destroyed. What I thought were good things were trampled on. Wonder if they still exist.

She called 4 times last night. Left 3 voice mails and 2 texts. Didn't respond.

I really appreciate you-whoever you are!   

[Chrisnj]

At some point in the near future I will take 2 hours or so and spell everything out from the beginning. There is just so much. Good night.

[Chrisnj]

One more thing. She owes me $5,625.00 for various bills that I paid for her and for damages that she did to my rental car when she backed up into it in her driveway. Her first reaction to that accident was to blame me for parking there.   

[Mutt]

Hi Chrisnj  ,



I'm sorry you had to go through this. Many members arrive with a lot on their chest.

Often we repress our feelings and worry that if we say something our partners will react and tend to keep a lot of stuff in.

An emotional roller coaster ride is a good description.

After the recontact, she was always able to convince me that the reason I was pulling away was fear of commitment, emotional immaturity, damage done to me by mother during my childhood, bipolar disorder, my own mood swings, and on and on and on. She told me I was taking her on an emotional roller coaster ride. It was all due to my own short comings.

Does your mother have BiPD?

Fear of intimacy, emotional immaturity, emotional dysregulations are symptoms of BPD.

A pwBPD have dichotomous thinking or black and white thinking and difficulties seeing the grey areas in life. You may be all good and confused when you're not sure why she's hostile and saying all bad things about you. Splitting is a defense mechanism to protect from anxiety and stress and she splits herself as well.

Often there's clinical depression and she feels low self worth and projects negative feelings and insecurities on loved ones.

One more thing. She owes me $5,625.00 for various bills that I paid for her and for damages that she did to my rental car when she backed up into it in her driveway. Her first reaction to that accident was to blame me for parking there.

You're describing another BPD symptom - projection.

I'm sorry she owes you a lot of money.

[jhkbuzz]

Hi again.

I want inner peace. I want to be free of the overwhelming anxiety that is hanging over my head like a black cloud every day. I want a mature relationship with a woman. I want to share my life with that woman, but I'm scared that all the good things I have to offer have all been destroyed. What I thought were good things were trampled on. Wonder if they still exist.

She called 4 times last night. Left 3 voice mails and 2 texts. Didn't respond.

I really appreciate you-whoever you are!  

I understand the desire for peace and for freedom from anxiety.  I want that too.  It's why my r/s ended. Do you think you can ever have a peaceful, anxiety-free r/s with this woman?

BTW, the good things you have to offer are NOT gone.  You have lost touch with your own needs, and you are feeling hurt, so you think that they're gone - but they're not. They are yours to rediscover.

Are you thinking about going no contact? (I ask because you are not responding to her messages).  If you are, what might be the best way for YOU to do this?  One last message?  Cut off contact abruptly?  And what kind of boundaries would you have to put into place to keep yourself strong?  :)o you have supportive people in your life?

[Chrisnj]

I also want my appetite back. I'm 6 feet tall and down to about 160 pounds. Not good. I have been able to ignore her calls and messages all week. I'm hoping that she will take the hint and just give up. I know the only way for me to truly move on is to cut off all contact but to honest, every time she tries to contact me I'm tempted to respond. I'm battling myself like an addict. I could be happy without a relationship. Being alone would be fine if it excluded this inner pain.

[jhkbuzz]

I also want my appetite back. I'm 6 feet tall and down to about 160 pounds. Not good. I have been able to ignore her calls and messages all week. I'm hoping that she will take the hint and just give up. I know the only way for me to truly move on is to cut off all contact but to honest, every time she tries to contact me I'm tempted to respond. I'm battling myself like an addict. I could be happy without a relationship. Being alone would be fine if it excluded this inner pain.

I lost weight for a little while, too. I would eat just enough to feel "not hungry."  Lost some weight pretty quickly, actually, but gained it back as I started to heal.

It sounds like you've gone "no contact." N/C is a tool to help us detach and heal while we're emotionally raw and vulnerable. You are recognizing that you are in a battle and need to protect yourself - and you do.

How is she contacting you?  Have you considered blocking her from those avenues of contact?  You might be less triggered if you do.

Just a thought.

[newtothis28]

Hello! I think you should try to read a copy of Sam Vaknin's novel -Malignant Self-love and also visit his website. He has tons of information!

[Irish Pride]

I'm new here and so confused by my relationship with a woman that I have no idea where to start or where to begin explaining what is going on inside my  head. I've read a few posts about "The Knot". I've got the knot. When I wake up in the middle of the night. While I'm working. All day and every day. It feels like there is no escape from the knot. It is ruining what could be a normal healthy existence for me. I am so conflicted-I know I should cut all ties with her, and I've tried several times yet when she contacts me I get drawn back in. She displays many BPD symptoms but when I try to discuss these with her she always, always convinces me that the symptoms are mine and not hers.

Would appreciate someone to talk to,

chrisnj     

Hi Chris!

I'm new here, too, and can't begin to tell you how much this place has helped me.

First off, you're not alone, obviously. Secondly, I know exactly how you feel. It's been 6 months since I broke up with my ex and it still pains me, to this day. It's getting better, though.

From my personal experience, and from what I've read by professionals on people on here, there is no rationalizing with someone with BPD. It's one of the most frustrating things when a loved one has it. You want to help, you see the good in them, you know they're not evil, you know they're just sick. For me, I'm a protector. www.keirsey.com/4temps/protector.asp This makes it VERY hard to walk away. It goes against my grain, but I finally realized I needed to do so.

Also, in my experience, my ex made EVERYTHING *my* fault, especially at the end. She was NEVER at fault. It's NOT your fault.

The best advice I can give you is this. You've taken a MAJOR step in even acknowledging something is wrong. Do your research. See a therapist, if necessary. If you really do think she has BPD after thoroughly researching, you have two choices. You stay, or you walk away. I know it's not easy.

Good luck!

[Dunder]

I'm hoping that she will take the hint and just give up. I know the only way for me to truly move on is to cut off all contact but to honest, every time she tries to contact me I'm tempted to respond.

Chrisnj, The NIMH (US National Institute of Mental Health) calls BPD a "serious mental illness". The next time you're tempted to respond to your ex, ask yourself if you want to continue a relationship with a person with an untreated "serious mental illness".   The National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder states that 20% of all patients admitted to psychiatric hospitals in the US suffer from some form of BPD. The term borderline was originally coined by psychologists who thought that these people were bordering on psychosis, namely schizophrenia, hence the term borderline. When I struggle with the temptation to contact my EX, and I do quite often, I ask myself if I'd like to resume a relationship with someone who suffers from what doctors once thought was a mild form of schizophrenia, someone who lives on the edge of psychosis.  

Let's hope that your EX finds her way to effective treatment. And you will find a lovely, healthy woman that thinks you're terrific.

[Chrisnj]

Hello everyone. Thanks to all who have responded and offered support. I'm back after a busy work week. 

As far as my ex entering treatment. She stated to me recently that she did not want to lose her "core self" by seeking therapy. She continues to blame others for her lot in life. She continues the see herself as a victim for all the failed relationships she has been through. She is a perpetual victim. She continues to blame me for for our failed relationship. She has constructed a very sturdy wall of denial around herself as a defense mechanism. Perhaps someday she will see the light and ask for help but I have tried and failed several times to be the catalyst for such a decision. The last time I tried she used projection to such an extreme that I threw up.

For the past few days I've been thinking about why I am finding it so difficult to simply separate my life from hers. Thinking about looking towards my future and stop trying to save hers. We are 2 separate entities and I have plenty of life in front of me. Why do I continue to suffer with the horrible knot in my stomach. I've come the conclusion that I am and always have been codependent. Tackling that issue is what I must do.

Does anyone know if there are in person support groups or meetings that someone like me can actually attend/join? 

chrisnj       

[Chrisnj]

To Mutt,

Sorry for the delayed response. My mother is not BPD. She is an old fashioned Catholic woman. Over protective of me and repressed as most Catholic women of her generation are. I've been trying to come to terms with that for years. Some success but plenty of baggage still lingers there. I am not at all comfortable confiding in family members regarding my current crisis. I feel they do not know much if anything at all about BPD and their advise would be counterproductive. They have no experience with this.

chrisnj

[jhkbuzz]

Hello everyone. Thanks to all who have responded and offered support. I'm back after a busy work week.  

As far as my ex entering treatment. She stated to me recently that she did not want to lose her "core self" by seeking therapy. She continues to blame others for her lot in life. She continues the see herself as a victim for all the failed relationships she has been through. She is a perpetual victim. She continues to blame me for for our failed relationship. She has constructed a very sturdy wall of denial around herself as a defense mechanism. Perhaps someday she will see the light and ask for help but I have tried and failed several times to be the catalyst for such a decision. The last time I tried she used projection to such an extreme that I threw up.

For the past few days I've been thinking about why I am finding it so difficult to simply separate my life from hers. Thinking about looking towards my future and stop trying to save hers. We are 2 separate entities and I have plenty of life in front of me. Why do I continue to suffer with the horrible knot in my stomach. I've come the conclusion that I am and always have been codependent. Tackling that issue is what I must do.

Does anyone know if there are in person support groups or meetings that someone like me can actually attend/join?  

chrisnj      

One of the things that you may find helpful is reading about the Karpman Drama Triangle (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0). It's common for people with BPD to put themselves as a "victim" on the triangle.  At first we are the "rescuer", but over time (in our ex's mind) we become the "persecutor".

Give yourself some time to grieve the end of the relationship; don't be too hard on yourself.  Grieving is a natural, healthy process.

Co-dependency groups might be available, depending upon where you live.  Have you googled any?

[Chrisnj]

Hello All,

I have found a bit of relief by simply focusing on myself for a change. Making an attempt to be deliberately self centered. It feels healthy and foreign at the same time. I can feel the distance growing between me and my ex. It generates feelings of liberation yet at the same time fear. I want very much to be free of her but I am still somewhat terrified of loosing her. Yes, the "knot" keeps cycling back. This still sucks. 

chrisnj