Feeling unloveable and from the dumper to the dumpee

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey

Its been a couple of weeks since I was last on the forums.

My exBPDw until fairly recently had been chasing me and asking for reconciliation, wanting me to move back to the same area (not her move of course despite the fact she doesnt even work!) but in the last few weeks her tone has changed on that and she no longer wants to reconcile. Even though my head knows that this is certainly for the best, I can not imagine the hell of actually continuing to stay married to someone who is in and out of a mental hospital and being left "holding the baby" a few times a year, it still hurts me really badly and now knowing she has given up and is moving on, is like a second break-up. I am really struggling to accept the final goodbye, even though it was myself that chucked her out and myself who moved countries, because we recycled so many times and I bought into this whole "meant to be thing", we were married, I'm finding it hard to accept it really truly is finally over.

Being in this relationship has really taken its toll on me, I gained weight, lost a lot of social confidence, gave up my friends and all my passions to basically do what she wanted all the time. Now that merrygoround has stopped I'm left as an older, fatter, friendless (ok a few friends but not many), loveless who gave up on their dreams to live the life of a carer to a crazy woman who was exceptionally physically and emotionally abusive. It sounds and IS ridiculous. The hardest part is not so much letting her go, its rebuilding my life from the ruins! I do thankfully still have a good job, my parents and my health and brain but my mind is so messed up and confidence so low, Im paralysed with inaction and am just drifting, this whole year I was drifting with one toe of hope still in my marriage. Now even that is gone.

I can not imagine sleeping with another woman, the idea of it makes me want to sob that scares me that I am destined for a loveless future. I've started to take some actions, I was out both days of the weekend with new friends but there is still a hole in my heart for the dreams of the family I had in mind. It hurts that she doesn't care how much pain her behaviour causes me.

The happiest I ever was in love, was when I was really on top of my game outside of love, throwing myself into my hobbies and learning things in new courses, I was so happy and the woman I was with was a high quality woman who loved that I was so passionate about the things in my life. The way she looked at me is what I want for my future, to be successful in myself and to be loved by someone who enjoys my masculine core/centre being in a good place instead of destroying me and belittling everything I stand for. I feel blessed that at least I know what healthy love feels like and I know what direction I need to be pointing my life in. Imagine if BPD was your first relationship, I don't think I could cope had that been the case.

[Trog]

Hey

Its been a couple of weeks since I was last on the forums.

My exBPDw until fairly recently had been chasing me and asking for reconciliation, wanting me to move back to the same area (not her move of course despite the fact she doesnt even work!) but in the last few weeks her tone has changed on that and she no longer wants to reconcile. Even though my head knows that this is certainly for the best, I can not imagine the hell of actually continuing to stay married to someone who is in and out of a mental hospital and being left "holding the baby" a few times a year, it still hurts me really badly and now knowing she has given up and is moving on, is like a second break-up. I am really struggling to accept the final goodbye, even though it was myself that chucked her out and myself who moved countries, because we recycled so many times and I bought into this whole "meant to be thing", we were married, I'm finding it hard to accept it really truly is finally over.

Being in this relationship has really taken its toll on me, I gained weight, lost a lot of social confidence, gave up my friends and all my passions to basically do what she wanted all the time. Now that merrygoround has stopped I'm left as an older, fatter, friendless (ok a few friends but not many), loveless who gave up on their dreams to live the life of a carer to a crazy woman who was exceptionally physically and emotionally abusive. It sounds and IS ridiculous. The hardest part is not so much letting her go, its rebuilding my life from the ruins! I do thankfully still have a good job, my parents and my health and brain but my mind is so messed up and confidence so low, Im paralysed with inaction and am just drifting, this whole year I was drifting with one toe of hope still in my marriage. Now even that is gone.

I can not imagine sleeping with another woman, the idea of it makes me want to sob that scares me that I am destined for a loveless future. I've started to take some actions, I was out both days of the weekend with new friends but there is still a hole in my heart for the dreams of the family I had in mind. It hurts that she doesn't care how much pain her behaviour causes me.

The happiest I ever was in love, was when I was really on top of my game outside of love, throwing myself into my hobbies and learning things in new courses, I was so happy and the woman I was with was a high quality woman who loved that I was so passionate about the things in my life. The way she looked at me is what I want for my future, to be successful in myself and to be loved by someone who enjoys my masculine core/centre being in a good place instead of destroying me and belittling everything I stand for. I feel blessed that at least I know what healthy love feels like and I know what direction I need to be pointing my life in. Imagine if BPD was your first relationship, I don't think I could cope had that been the case.