Our Mistakes.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Turning the focus onto ourselves, even if its to admit mistakes, is often far more productive than analysing our ex behaviours. I've learnt the following things I did in this relationship and will make every effort not to repeat my mistakes with my next girlfriend (who also wont have BPD!  )

#1 - Giving up things I enjoyed to please my partner, changing opinion to suit hers, losing friends she didn't like, rarely seeing my family and spending all holidays with her family, giving up meat for her, stopped writing my blog as she was against it - Approval Seeking Behaviour

#2 - Ignoring warning flags and taking hits on my principals in order to be with her - Inauthentic/Principal Breaking Behaviour driven from fear/lack

#3 - Became resentful (because of #1 & #2) and then became disinterested, after the first few months I stopped asking her how she was, stopped taking her out on dates, she would get dressed up in sexy night attire and I'd just ignore her.

#4 - Denying reality in order not to face the eventual pain of a break up! Heck I got married to avoid the pain I am going through now. Ironic.

#5 - Problem Solving instead of listening - More fights were caused by my volunteering solutions to her many outlandish and numerous problems with family and co-workers whereas actually all she wanted to do was blow steam. I would then cop the cold shoulder or silent treatment that she actually wanted to give them as her anger could be transferred to me.

The biggest mistake of all, and one I'm still guilty of, is not valuing myself. Why do we want to be with these abusive people who clearly do not value us. I don't know about you guys, but I have a good soul, I'm kind and am fun to go out with, I am a catch and yet from this relationship have come to view myself as unworthy of love and the healing is a bumpy road, some weeks I am perfectly fine, others, I feel very bleak.

What mistakes did you make?

[Trog]

Turning the focus onto ourselves, even if its to admit mistakes, is often far more productive than analysing our ex behaviours. I've learnt the following things I did in this relationship and will make every effort not to repeat my mistakes with my next girlfriend (who also wont have BPD!  )

#1 - Giving up things I enjoyed to please my partner, changing opinion to suit hers, losing friends she didn't like, rarely seeing my family and spending all holidays with her family, giving up meat for her, stopped writing my blog as she was against it - Approval Seeking Behaviour

#2 - Ignoring warning flags and taking hits on my principals in order to be with her - Inauthentic/Principal Breaking Behaviour driven from fear/lack

#3 - Became resentful (because of #1 & #2) and then became disinterested, after the first few months I stopped asking her how she was, stopped taking her out on dates, she would get dressed up in sexy night attire and I'd just ignore her.

#4 - Denying reality in order not to face the eventual pain of a break up! Heck I got married to avoid the pain I am going through now. Ironic.

#5 - Problem Solving instead of listening - More fights were caused by my volunteering solutions to her many outlandish and numerous problems with family and co-workers whereas actually all she wanted to do was blow steam. I would then cop the cold shoulder or silent treatment that she actually wanted to give them as her anger could be transferred to me.

The biggest mistake of all, and one I'm still guilty of, is not valuing myself. Why do we want to be with these abusive people who clearly do not value us. I don't know about you guys, but I have a good soul, I'm kind and am fun to go out with, I am a catch and yet from this relationship have come to view myself as unworthy of love and the healing is a bumpy road, some weeks I am perfectly fine, others, I feel very bleak.

What mistakes did you make?

[dagwoodbowser]

1. Being a Dumb Ass!

2. Engaging waay too much in approval seeking behavior. My list is long, but basically she didnt drive or have a car. I was her taxi for errands like going to pay bills, laundry, getting her kids to school on and on. If ever got a thank you or was it really appreciated. Ton's of other stuff but I will Not trigger myself!

3. Taking her word that each Tom, Dick and Harry that called or texted was "just a friend."

4. Becoming Pavlov's Lap dog. Inability to set boundaries. Man she was good at controlling me. Anytime I tried to set guidelines or a boundary I was met with silent treatment or withdraw. Don't think I really have to explain much else here.

5. Focusing on her words and not her actions. Man, the milk and honey that dripped out of that woman's mouth would of given TS Eliot a woody.

6. Several Recycles believing her promises of change and improving on how she would communicate when she became triggered

List goes on, but my Top 6. When in doubt, refer to number 1

[Inside]

“What mistakes did you make?”

Doubting my gut feelings and perceptions.

Allowing sex to be used as a tool.

Working harder to make something of nothing than attempting to escape it.

Returning for more with the assumption something had changed.

Narrowing my focus while ignoring the larger picture.

Not facing nor respecting my fears but returning to what felt comfortable.

... .what did I do right... .?

Began (again) to believe in myself.

Began to take in a wider view.

Stood my ground.

Questioned dubious behavior.

Learned and grew from the experience.

Moved on ~

[Inside]

3. Taking her word that each Tom, Dick and Harry that called or texted was "just a friend."

Whoops - forgot that one