family scapegoat scared and sad

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm away from my family who hates me now. I can relax and they can't contact me. My entire family thinks I'm awful but I'm not. I have a good heart, I like to help people especially kids and the elderly. I love all animals. I am willing to do anything for almost anyone. But I feel like I'm no good because the voices of my abusers are fresh and strong. I go to pastoral counseling. I just started. It's all I can afford but i feel like God has left me. Does it ever get better?I feel like a terrible person or else my family would love me. They are close except for me. I can't tell this to my few friends. I start to cry then they think I'm weird. Thanks for reading this.

[Proboscidea]

I'm away from my family who hates me now. I can relax and they can't contact me. My entire family thinks I'm awful but I'm not. I have a good heart, I like to help people especially kids and the elderly. I love all animals. I am willing to do anything for almost anyone. But I feel like I'm no good because the voices of my abusers are fresh and strong. I go to pastoral counseling. I just started. It's all I can afford but i feel like God has left me. Does it ever get better?I feel like a terrible person or else my family would love me. They are close except for me. I can't tell this to my few friends. I start to cry then they think I'm weird. Thanks for reading this.

[fleurhart]

Hi Proboscidea

You sound like a really kind and generous person, and your family should be so grateful and happy that they have you. Sometimes it doesn't work that way, and I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through.

It sounds to me like you are doing everything you can to heal.

[HappyChappy]

It does sound like you're a lovely person, but a BPD must have their scapegoat. Remember that that has nothing to do with you. Great that you've steped out of that and connected here, as that's a great way to begin your healing. And yes, things will start to look better, if you start to heal. But it just takes time, that's all. So great news you've joined our family here, and you'll be valued here for who you are.

If you've not read up on "triangulation" then that might help. But never forget, it has nothing to do with you, so the fact you've left will give you a chance to see things rationaly and mend.

 

[Lavandula]

Just wanted to say that I relate to your situation. My uBPD mom still scapegoats me in many ways, but it isn't as bad as it was when my whole family still lived together and I was scapegoated by everyone. Hopefully it will get better for you, especially since you have gotten away .

[Proboscidea]

Thanks. I am trying to believe that God is testing me. I am college age and quit to get away. My so is much older and refuses to let me meet his daughter. I am wondering if he is also BPD as it is all about what I can do for him and he isn't there when I need him the most. He is with his ex who cheated on  him. I'm done with him too, not that he lets me go! I just want to be alone, go to work, and be by myself after. I have a friend who is my roommate who helped me escape. She is kind and gives me space. She knows my family. I kept the abuse from her because I was ashamed. I wonder if I will ever step feeling bad or guilty. Of go back to college. I am too wired to do college now. I'm a waitress. I can just hear my father telling me that waitresses are sluts. I'm glad it's not holiday time. Holidays were the time I got some relief. This year will be alone. I want NC forever.maybe one day their negative messages will stop haunting me. Thanks for listening.

[going places]

google "abuse advocate _______" (in the blank, put in your city and state)

There are resources for abused women, and they are free.

Everything from counseling, to housing, health care, etc.

It's all free.

Pastor's are NOT equipped to deal with PTSD, depression, personality disorders, etc; and they can do MORE damage than good. (ask me how I know).

The folks at an abuse outreach center ARE trained (social workers, and up).

And it's free.

Please, find an abuse advocate in your town... .they are a God-send.