Untreated sister with BPD

[LondonE]

Hi! This is my first post.

My older sister was diagnosed with BPD 4 years ago ( She had clear signs since she was a toddler ) she has refused treatment several times. What I've struggled with most is her stealing and lack of empathy/honesty. I live at home while I'm going to University and work very hard to afford school, car ect. She has no regard for privacy and helps herself to money from my wallet daily. She has searched through my room and stolen money. I hide my things now best I can but it's so frustrating b/c I shouldn't have to. I'm tired after work and leave my purse next to my bed but she comes in and steals anyways. I've tried confrunting her but she cries and says I always blame her then always turns it around on me saying she is "disapointed" that someone who she loves so much would accuse her of this. It's to the point where it's not worth the fight and tears. I don't know what to do honestly

I guess I just want to know if anyone else is going through something similar or lives with someone who is untreated! Thanks in advance

[Kwamina]

Hi LondonE

I am sorry to hear that you're in such a stressful situation with your BPD sister. She is officially diagnosed so at least you do know what you're dealing with but it is quite unfortunate that she has refused treatment. Do you feel like she at least does acknowledge that there might be something wrong with her behavior?

Your sister was diagnosed 4 years ago but you say she has had clear signs since she was a toddler. Could you tell us a bit more about this? What signs were evident? And what led up to her being diagnosed four years ago?

You live at home with your sister there too, are there also any other family-members living there? If so, what do they think of your sister's behavior?

It's very frustrating to have your own sister steal money from you. Have you ever caught her red handed?

Take care and I hope to read more of your story later

[Linda Maria]

Hi LondonE!  So sorry to hear what you're going through.  My sister who is a year older than me is - I believe - BPD but it has only significantly impacted me since my Mum died 2 years ago.  I thought till then our relationship was ok, though there had been isolated incidents in the past when we both lived at home (nearly 30 years ago now), but I always walked on eggshells around her, and was careful not to contradict her, or say anything I thought might set her off.  So now I can clearly see it was never right - I don't have to modify my behaviour like that for anyone else in my life.  After my Mum died, she turned on me big time, started a really hateful smear campaign against me, has been telling unbelievably vile lies to everyone, and has stopped us getting my Mum's estate sorted.  When I couldn't take any more I got a solicitor involved, and we are nearly at the end of it, properties sold etc, It has cost me a lot of money, but it was worth it to get my life back, I think I would have had a nervous breakdown otherwise.  I really, really feel for you, I could not live with my sister, or even bear to be in a room with her, not even with other people around.  I definitely do not feel safe around her, the things she has said and done have been too disturbing.  You will find a lot of support here, and help from very experienced people about setting boundaries, and protecting yourself.  Take care to look after yourself, and realise there are things you can do to help yourself cope, but ultimately you can't make her better, or take away her pain and you must look after yourself, or the stress will make you ill.  If she was diagnosed some time ago, what has happened since then?  Is she in therapy?  Do keep posting, and I wish you well.

[Deb]

My dBPD sister is 2 and 1/2 years older than I am. And throughout my childhood, would steal from me. Our mother didn't believe me, unfortunately, so I would get into trouble for retrieving my stolen items. At least the ones my sister didn't destroy.  I had forgotten all about that until one of my nieces mentioned her mother (my sib) would buy her things and then steal them from her. Things like jewelry and expensive perfumes, that my sister insisted her daughter liked. Funny, I never remember niece using that perfume. And she never uses it now. So yes, I do understand where you are coming from. Short of getting a lock for you possesions, I don't know what to tell you on that. It's very difficult living with a person with BPD, and a thief at that. I guess it's their sense of entitlement. They just feel entitles to whatever it is they want and it doesn't matter if it's yours or someone else's.

[LondonE]

Hi LondonE

I am sorry to hear that you're in such a stressful situation with your BPD sister. She is officially diagnosed so at least you do know what you're dealing with but it is quite unfortunate that she has refused treatment. Do you feel like she at least does acknowledge that there might be something wrong with her behavior?

Your sister was diagnosed 4 years ago but you say she has had clear signs since she was a toddler. Could you tell us a bit more about this? What signs were evident? And what led up to her being diagnosed four years ago?

You live at home with your sister there too, are there also any other family-members living there? If so, what do they think of your sister's behavior?

It's very frustrating to have your own sister steal money from you. Have you ever caught her red handed?

Take care and I hope to read more of your story later

Thanks for the reply!

   Unfortunately she wont acknowledge her BPD directly but she does know something is wrong. She suffers from social issues, depression, and anxiety which we've been told by her doctor are just a part of her diagnoses but these she will acknowledge. ( I forgot to mention above that she is also be suffering from narcissistic PD and/or sociopathic tendencies. We wont know which until she decides to seek treatment )

What lead up to her diagnoses: She tried to commit suicide which she had planned to look like her ex-boyfriend was responsible after he had broken up with her. Several weeks after this attempt she came clean, surprisingly.

When my sister and I were younger there was a lot of abuse physically and mentally towards me when my parents weren't around. She also stole from classmates staring in preschool until late elementary school and couldn't keep friends. Thankfully as we got older multiple family members began witnessing what was happening but figured it was jealousy since she was the first born.

Yes, both my sister and I are living with our parents still. My dad works a lot away from home so he doesn't understand how frustrating it can be living with her and would never kick her out of the house. My mom on the other hand is Bi-polar and has had a very hard time with everything but my sister seems to respect her privacy more so than my the last year.

[LondonE]

Hi LondonE!  So sorry to hear what you're going through.  My sister who is a year older than me is - I believe - BPD but it has only significantly impacted me since my Mum died 2 years ago.  I thought till then our relationship was ok, though there had been isolated incidents in the past when we both lived at home (nearly 30 years ago now), but I always walked on eggshells around her, and was careful not to contradict her, or say anything I thought might set her off.  So now I can clearly see it was never right - I don't have to modify my behaviour like that for anyone else in my life.  After my Mum died, she turned on me big time, started a really hateful smear campaign against me, has been telling unbelievably vile lies to everyone, and has stopped us getting my Mum's estate sorted.  When I couldn't take any more I got a solicitor involved, and we are nearly at the end of it, properties sold etc, It has cost me a lot of money, but it was worth it to get my life back, I think I would have had a nervous breakdown otherwise.  I really, really feel for you, I could not live with my sister, or even bear to be in a room with her, not even with other people around.  I definitely do not feel safe around her, the things she has said and done have been too disturbing.  You will find a lot of support here, and help from very experienced people about setting boundaries, and protecting yourself.  Take care to look after yourself, and realise there are things you can do to help yourself cope, but ultimately you can't make her better, or take away her pain and you must look after yourself, or the stress will make you ill.  If she was diagnosed some time ago, what has happened since then?  Is she in therapy?  Do keep posting, and I wish you well.

  Thank you for the reply! I completely understand how you must feel. "Walking on egg shells"is exactly what I say living with my sister is like! You are so strong to have gone through all of that especially after loosing a parent!

I have been through a similar situation. Back in high school she called social services on my parents and tried to have us put into foster care. That was the first time I actually lost it and called her out on everything. She said that they abused us and that I was so scared I would say whatever they wanted. I spent many weeks trying to put my parents reputation back together... . My mom was the only one who knew exactly what I was going through and to have my sister try to split us up was heartbreaking for me. I used to feel unsafe around my sister as well, sometimes I still do. I couldn't sleep for the longest time when she was in the house. But like you said I had to learn that you can't change the way she is so I started to focus on myself as much as I can.

Since she was diagnosed she ignores the fact that anything is wrong. She thinks what she is feeling is anxiety or depression. Thankfully she isn't as disruptive to the family ( no more suicide threats, calls to the police or social services ) Now, my biggest struggle with her is stealing, lying, and her bring people into my life then ruining the relationship for us both. I've began noticing that since I've grown up I have problem letting people into my life because she just ruins any relationship she comes in contact with.

[LondonE]

My dBPD sister is 2 and 1/2 years older than I am. And throughout my childhood, would steal from me. Our mother didn't believe me, unfortunately, so I would get into trouble for retrieving my stolen items. At least the ones my sister didn't destroy.  I had forgotten all about that until one of my nieces mentioned her mother (my sib) would buy her things and then steal them from her. Things like jewelry and expensive perfumes, that my sister insisted her daughter liked. Funny, I never remember niece using that perfume. And she never uses it now. So yes, I do understand where you are coming from. Short of getting a lock for you possesions, I don't know what to tell you on that. It's very difficult living with a person with BPD, and a thief at that. I guess it's their sense of entitlement. They just feel entitles to whatever it is they want and it doesn't matter if it's yours or someone else's.

Exactly! I have never caught my sis red handed so it's very difficult to confront her about it. I agree, they must feel entitled. I've also blamed her too early and found the misplaced item later on. And let me tell you she is so quick to turn it around on me for accusing her   I have bought a small safe to lock my important items in but she just helps herself to everything else. I guess while we live together there isn't much that can stop her

Thank you for the reply! Glad to know someone else gets the feeling of being stolen from :/

[funfunctional]

Hi there,

I really have an angry spot for people that steal.  I grew up with my brother stealing from me.  He would lie, lie and more lie.   Same reaction.    The crying is such garbage.   Really old manipulative trick.

You need a safe.   Seriously if you are going to live in that house by a small safe and store your jewerly and money in there.    My step daughter likes to steal things so when I first moved in with my husband I bought a large safe and put all my valuables in it.   I even put some china in there.   

I didn't think that stealing was a BPD trait but perhaps it is but nonetheless her behavior is unacceptable and I would call her on it.  Call her out over and over and make her squirm. 

Not the most warm and fuzzy response I have but "REALLY!".    You work hard for your money.   Why the he$$ should she help herself to it.   

Good luck & I am so sorry you have this going on in your life.    Keep going  forward with freeing yourself form living with her and you will then be able to look back in a few years and say "thank God I don't have to live with the thought of mistrust and being robbed from in your own home".