I just can't.

[Verbena]

I have been married for over 32 years.  My husband and I used to have a very fulfilling sex life; now we have no physical relationship whatsoever.  It effectively ended five years ago. 

My husband's behavior has gotten worse over the years, and I finally came to the point that I could no longer seperate in my mind the normal him (negative to the extreme, critical, hateful, miserable, angry) with the 180 degree shift in him when he thought sex could happen.  I have told him this. 

I have tried to make him understand how his behavior affects me.  He denies that there is any such behavior at all.  He does not know what I am talking about--or he just does not remember.  He does not believe that he is at fault in any way or responsible in any way for the condition of our marriage.  He is never wrong.  He does not apologize.  He will not discuss ANYTHING concerning our marriage. 

I realize that a physical relationship is part of marriage as God intended it.  I know that I am not fulfilling my role in this marriage in this regard.  But I just can't do it!  My husband has killed in me any desire whatsoever for him. 

I read post after post here about wild dysregulations from spouses, ongoing crazy behavior, and outright verbal abuse--but the physical relationship is still in tact.  How can you seperate the two?  I guess I know how, because I used to.  I just can't anymore. 

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[vortex of confusion]

   

I completely understand. It is weird how, when he is being sweet and loving, the physical desire is there because I can look at my husband and see the man I married. I see the father of my children.

When he goes for long periods of time and is a jerk, I can't get interested in him physically because I don't see the man I married. I see a complete stranger and the last thing I want to do is be physically intimate with him. During those times, it take everything I have just to give him a hug or a friendly kiss.

Whenever somebody talks about sex being part of some kind of duty to a spouse, I get annoyed because I feel like my spouse has a duty to be loving and caring and at the very least, not be a jerk. I find myself asking, "Why should I feel guilty for NOT fulfilling my duties when he sure as heck isn't fulfilling his duties as a husband?"

[Verbena]

Vortex, there is no physical contact between my husband and me AT ALL.  Nothing. No hugs, no touching, nothing. 

I agree about the concept of duty.  It's supposed to work both ways, though, and not just with sex.  My husband works hard to provide, doesn't drink, do drugs, gamble, cheat, or beat me.  He is a good person basically, and I'm glad for that.  He's just a jerk to me and has been for decades.  Except that in his mind, there's nothing wrong with the way he behaves toward me. 

[Mike-X]

I am sorry that you are going through this. Maybe I am misreading your post, but you seem to be suggesting that your husband has control or influence over your sexual desire? Have you thought about what you can do to rekindle your desire?

Are you thinking that his dysregulation has anything to do with whether he finds you attractive or not?

[maxsterling]

Wow.  I really feel for you.  This is a tough one to deal with - I'm dealing with the same thing now, and we are newlyweds.  I can't imagine what it will feel like after years of this... .

I think my issue is similar to yours.  My wife will rant all day, claim she is in pain, depressed, snip at me here or there, criticize... .  and after all that she will want sex, and then be mad because I am not in the mood.  How do I feel?

I feel like she is using me sexually to try and solve her emotional problems.   

I don't know if that is truly the case or not, but that is how I feel.  Sex between us rarely feels to me like we are living in the moment, completely engrossed in each other, and with love and passion.  And I simply have a hard time getting motivated. 

I'm not sure what the solution is here for me.  But I do know I need some time to heal from her abuse.  The good news in my case is that she does recognize her problem, and is in therapy, and even today she said she talked about it in therapy.  So, I am hoping she can heal enough and then recognize the damage she has done to me, and then allow me the time to properly heal.

[Michelle27]

This is a difficulty I am facing.  My husband seems to want sex more when he's dysregulating and I have so many walls up that I have found myself faking it so many times just to get through it.  It sucks.  We are currently separated (therapeutic separation, each taking a week away from the house to give our daughter time with each of us and stablity staying in our home).  A few days ago I was heading out with a girlfriend and needed to pick something up at the house.  He actually said to me that after I go out, if I want some sex I should "stop by" and have it with him.  I couldn't believe it.  The last thing I want right now while I'm trying to heal from most of a decade of rages is sex with him.

[maxsterling]

Michelle - Yeah, that stinks.  I think pwBPD tend to use sex as a mechanism to create or "fix" relationships, while most of us are the other way around - treat us well and help us build a healthy relationship and we are in the mood for sex. 

My wife criticized the way I was dressed this morning.  Not a big deal, but she things she is just trying to "help" me.   But after awhile of that, that puts me off and not in the mood to be intimate.  If the situation were reversed, and someone criticized her choice of clothing, I am sure she would be down about it all day.

[Verbena]

I am sorry that you are going through this. Maybe I am misreading your post, but you seem to be suggesting that your husband has control or influence over your sexual desire? Have you thought about what you can do to rekindle your desire?

Are you thinking that his dysregulation has anything to do with whether he finds you attractive or not?

Mike, you're not misreading my post at all.  My husband's behavior, over many years with it being worse over time,  has everything to do with my desire for him.  I have none for him BECAUSE of how he behaves. 

As far as dysregulation, I can't even say that word fits his behavior most of the time.  He doesn't scream and call me names or get violent.  He has terrible anger inside and it does come out, just not in the typical BPD dysregulation fashion.  My H is not BPD anyway; our daughter is.  I truly don't know what his problems are.  I just now he has serious issues.

I think the big difference between my situation and others here is that in my case it's not about having to "fake it",  or having different opinions on how much sex to have, or using sex to solve problems.  There is no sex, or any physical contact whatsoever, in our marriage and hasn't been in five years. 

[Mike-X]

I am sorry that you are going through this. Maybe I am misreading your post, but you seem to be suggesting that your husband has control or influence over your sexual desire? Have you thought about what you can do to rekindle your desire?

Are you thinking that his dysregulation has anything to do with whether he finds you attractive or not?

Mike, you're not misreading my post at all.  My husband's behavior, over many years with it being worse over time,  has everything to do with my desire for him.  I have none for him BECAUSE of how he behaves. 

As far as dysregulation, I can't even say that word fits his behavior most of the time.  He doesn't scream and call me names or get violent.  He has terrible anger inside and it does come out, just not in the typical BPD dysregulation fashion.  My H is not BPD anyway; our daughter is.  I truly don't know what his problems are.  I just now he has serious issues.

I think the big difference between my situation and others here is that in my case it's not about having to "fake it",  or having different opinions on how much sex to have, or using sex to solve problems.  There is no sex, or any physical contact whatsoever, in our marriage and hasn't been in five years. 

I appreciate the reply. Is he still interested in having sex -- "I finally came to the point that I could no longer seperate in my mind the normal him (negative to the extreme, critical, hateful, miserable, angry) with the 180 degree shift in him when he thought sex could happen"?

Also, can you elaborate on how you have tried to make him understand how his behavior affects you?

[Loosestrife]

It takes me a long time after a rage to partake again in physical intimacy, each time my desire reduces a bit more. I am concentrating on working on me.

[misuniadziubek]

Michelle - Yeah, that stinks.  I think pwBPD tend to use sex as a mechanism to create or "fix" relationships, while most of us are the other way around - treat us well and help us build a healthy relationship and we are in the mood for sex. 

My wife criticized the way I was dressed this morning.  Not a big deal, but she things she is just trying to "help" me.   But after awhile of that, that puts me off and not in the mood to be intimate.  If the situation were reversed, and someone criticized her choice of clothing, I am sure she would be down about it all day.

This is strange for me, because oftentimes I'm the one who tries to fix things with sex and when I am invalidating and get too frustrated with my uBPDbf, it ruins his desire for me. He can't easily get over things and then he ends up having zero interest in me.

And then I'm miserable because as long as we are having sex, our relationship is still okay. Even mediocre sex trumps no sex because at least we are somewhat connected.

This was actually a weird form of denial for me for the longest time. Until one day I found myself completely uninterested in him and just going through the motions for the sake of having sex.

All of this lead up to a very strange open conversation while he was taking a bath and I was sitting on the floor and we were both getting really drunk. He told me that he felt like the passion was dead in our relationship and he was only holding on until he found something better because he didn't believe we'd actually last.

It was a bit of a hard slap, woke me up a little to the realities of our relationship. Didn't change that we loved each other but I'd let things go dead.

I ended up leaving for two weeks after that.

Mike, you're not misreading my post at all.  My husband's behavior, over many years with it being worse over time,  has everything to do with my desire for him.  I have none for him BECAUSE of how he behaves.  

As far as dysregulation, I can't even say that word fits his behavior most of the time.  He doesn't scream and call me names or get violent.  He has terrible anger inside and it does come out, just not in the typical BPD dysregulation fashion.  My H is not BPD anyway; our daughter is.  I truly don't know what his problems are.  I just now he has serious issues.

I think the big difference between my situation and others here is that in my case it's not about having to "fake it",  or having different opinions on how much sex to have, or using sex to solve problems.  There is no sex, or any physical contact whatsoever, in our marriage and hasn't been in five years.  

The fact that there is no physical contact whatsoever, no hugging, kissing, and even small things makes a huge difference here. Touch is how we get close, how we feel connected to each other. Even when we are no longer small children, we need that sort of affection in our lives. Minimum of 4 hugs a day keeps you healthy and sane. Best number is 12.

I think it's possible that none of you are present in your relationship anymore. You can be present in your own lives, your children's lives, your work lives, but completely absent when it comes to the relationship.

It's the basis of mindfulness. Talk to each other. Actually try to listen. Incorporate validation. Tools of communication don't just apply to dealing with BPD's. They improve the relationship of any two people.

You don't feel close and connected to your husband. You haven't felt close enough in years. You can blame him for it, but it's also to do with the fact that you've stopped trying to connect with him on an intimate level. You may have come to this moment because of his behaviour but your own reactions, attitudes and beliefs have equally shaped the dynamic of your relationship.

[Aurylian]

Wish I could help, but can only relate.

Sex is an act that helps my BPDw feel better.  It has almost no other purpose for us.  I find I don't do it because I want to, but only because I know if I don't then she will dysregulate.  I guess there could be less pleasant ways to keep someone regulated, but it certainly doesn't feel like what God intended for sex to be to me.