Hot and Cold

[shockey91]

Hello All,

I am trying very hard to be patient and understanding with my significant other who has BPD. I can handle just about everything but the hot and cold/push pull drives me crazy! She is so great when we are in the hot but then without warning bam we are in the cold. We go from communicating every day/all day to her totally ignoring me and it sucks. Are there any suggestions for how to handle these times when she gives me the silent treatment? Should I just leave her alone and wait for it to pass and for her to contact me? Should I just act like all is normal and keep texting/contacting her? I'm just not sure what is best and would love to hear some thoughts/suggestions from others.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mike-X]

The changes from hot to cold can be enormously frustrating. Are you asking how you can keep her "hot" all of the time? I guess that to give advice one would have to know why she goes cold.

Is she in therapy? Are you in therapy?

Has she been diagnosed with BPD? If not, other than the push/pull, why do you think that she has BPD?

Have you read the lessons "Tools: Communication, validation, and reinforcement of good behavior"?

[Jessica84]

I don't know if this is helpful, but I just roll with the temperature changes now. When he goes cold, I go cold (no contact). When he's warm and fuzzy, I go warm and fuzzy (I take his calls, respond to texts). It's sort of like real weather changes. If it's cold outside I put on a jacket to protect myself. Same thing with BPD. Can't fight nature.

[an0ught]

Hi shockey91,

how to handle her depends a lot on the situation and your history. There is really not one size fits all for this tough to deal situation. The intermittent contact certainly can drive us crazy. Often we can't influence it much and some balanced stance and strategy can help. We can't control the weather but we still make plans and try to go out in the hope we find sunshine. It the sun is not there - we're disappointed but it is not the end of the world.

You wrote in December that you wanted to leave her and started NC. Has communication behavior on both sides changed from before that break to now?