New to this

[Blessedmom]

So thankful to find this site.  I've been married for 18 years to a man who has recently been diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder with borderline traits.  He has very strong borderline traits.  We have struggled since day 1 (24 years) with "misunderstandings" and different points of view.  I feel like I have been beating my head against the wall for a long time.  I had  given up over the past couple of years, but couldn't get the courage to leave him because of our children (and his manipulation).    Recently, he has started seeking treatment for his narcissism and BPD.  He is in the very early stages of his therapy(DBT), but already seems like a different person.  He is staying at a hotel (for over a month) now.  He comes over daily to help around the house, see the kids, etc.  It's hard for me to know what my boundaries are with him, especially when he is being so reasonable and easy to deal with.  He's like another person, the person I had always hoped would show up.  I am taking it one day at a time.  I know that only time will tell what kind of progress he will make, or this is just a phase that he grow tired of.  He has a very extreme personality and goes "all in" to whatever he is doing, only to move onto other things without any follow through.  Just looking for some support and advice over these next several months.  I hear that this disorder takes much work, on a daily basis.  Just don't want to get hurt any more than I already have.  It's hard to let down my guard... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mike-X]

Welcome to the boards. Thanks for sharing your story.

It is good to hear that he is in therapy and seems to be making progress. 

Can you elaborate on what you mean about your boundary issues?

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Blessedmom, 

I would like to join Mike-X and welcome you. 

I am sorry that you are struggling.     I completely understand what it feels like to be banging your head against the wall. It can be very frustrating and discouraging coping with narcissistic and borderline behaviors.

There are many people here that have and are experiencing the same thing.  You have come to the right place for support, advice, and understanding.

It is great that your husband is in treatment. DBT is one of the most successful types of treatment for people with borderline personality disorder (pwBPD). I know how you could feel skeptical about the treatment, but it is good that you are seeing an improvement. DBT helps with many of the extreme behaviors, such as "going all in" or "all or nothing." This is a type of dichotomous thinking.  DBT aims to reduce these types of cognitions.  It is does take sometime for DBT. The maladaptive behaviors has been engrained in your husband for a very long time. Essentially, he need to retrain his brain with different strategies for coping etc. 

I understand how you could feel as if you do not want to get hurt more than you have. What types of behavior are you having a hard time coping with?

A great way for us to protect ourselves is to enforce boundaries. I found that I have had problems enforcing boundaries with the person with BPD (pwBPD) in my life.  Here is an article that has really helped me.

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

I am looking forward to reading your response. 

[an0ught]

Hi Blessedmom,

  I hear that this disorder takes much work, on a daily basis.  Just don't want to get hurt any more than I already have.  It's hard to let down my guard... .

yeah, it does require a lot of work. But then the work of learning skills is investment in ourselves so there is interest paid on this work. A lot more than most banks pay these days!

There are different approaches to get started. The two core basic skills on what most other stuff is built are validation and boundaries.  Often it is best to get started with one. Validation provides a more gradual learning path but also a more consistent practice. Improvements in the relationship with validation is gradual and cumulative. Boundaries are more a break-through type skill that require some deep thinking, preparation and guts. Improvements in the relationship with boundaries is more direct once it happens. In the medium term you need both as they complement each other in a way that makes the combination stronger.

Just looking for some support and advice over these next several months.

What are you struggling with?