Sunday marked 200 days of NC.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

200 days NC. My name is Recoop and I am a recovering BPD-holic. Its been 200 days since my last contact/fix.

Today marks the 200rd day of NC with the exception of 1 occasion of texts to say take care and goodbye

200 days ago I wouldnt have believed that I would be in the place I am right now. Looking back I can only describe it as being stuck in a dark black hole filled with negativity, despair, anxiety and misery. Slowly I climbed out, a hell of a climb... . I am not yet at the top, but I can see what it looks like there. How good life can be. I still suffer from anxiety but its getting a tiny bit less every day. I did a lot of therapy, group therapy and treatment for PTSD. I feel like I am being reborn. NC is not a struggle any more. I have no desire to contact him. The only thing I have to worry about is how am I doing.

I am working on my happiness, career, health, life. Yesterday I went out for drinks and a nice man was interested and asked my number... . I completely freaked out! This tells me it will take a while for me to be ready to date. I am on a dating site, but I am scared to talk to men, let alone meet them! But being on there, looking at what else is out there is a first step and thats a good thing. It will take time to get my trust back. Not trust in men, trust in me, my judgement, my intuition. It all starts with me.

I have learned a lot in these 200 days! And although I wouldnt wish this experience on anybody, its been good for me. I had to deal with FOO issues, abuse in childhood, codependancy traits... . Without this gut wrenching experience I may not have done this and would still be in denial. I am a grown up now, no need to let the past run my life. No need to let my defence mechanisms I created as a child keep me from leading a happy life. I have learned to see the difference between my strong grown up self and my scared inner child. I understand the inner child and I understand her pain, but I am all grown up and ready to take responsibility for my life happiness and choices. I can self sooth and self validate. I know why I chose this BPD relationship, why I stayed in this abusive situation, why I went back again and again. I forgive myself for it. I will no longer jugde myself for it.

I will continue NC, I will keep working on me and be my best true authentic self. I still have my off days and still feel anger and hurt, but its far less then 200 days ago. I know he will try again, but I am not going to obsess about it. I will live in the now, and now is good!

200 days ago I was a mess, suicidal thought, burned out. I'd never think I would get through it, but I did. I worked hard at the lessons on this board, worked hard in therapy and I will continue to do so. To all of you in despair, it will be okay. In your own way you will heal. There is life after a BPD rs, but it will take time, work and a lot of self-reflection. My thoughts are with all of you and I all wish you strenght. These boards have been a savior! Thank you so much for all the support through the most dark time of my life! You are all wonderfull people and you deserve happiness. You are worth it!

[Recooperating]

200 days NC. My name is Recoop and I am a recovering BPD-holic. Its been 200 days since my last contact/fix.

Today marks the 200rd day of NC with the exception of 1 occasion of texts to say take care and goodbye

200 days ago I wouldnt have believed that I would be in the place I am right now. Looking back I can only describe it as being stuck in a dark black hole filled with negativity, despair, anxiety and misery. Slowly I climbed out, a hell of a climb... . I am not yet at the top, but I can see what it looks like there. How good life can be. I still suffer from anxiety but its getting a tiny bit less every day. I did a lot of therapy, group therapy and treatment for PTSD. I feel like I am being reborn. NC is not a struggle any more. I have no desire to contact him. The only thing I have to worry about is how am I doing.

I am working on my happiness, career, health, life. Yesterday I went out for drinks and a nice man was interested and asked my number... . I completely freaked out! This tells me it will take a while for me to be ready to date. I am on a dating site, but I am scared to talk to men, let alone meet them! But being on there, looking at what else is out there is a first step and thats a good thing. It will take time to get my trust back. Not trust in men, trust in me, my judgement, my intuition. It all starts with me.

I have learned a lot in these 200 days! And although I wouldnt wish this experience on anybody, its been good for me. I had to deal with FOO issues, abuse in childhood, codependancy traits... . Without this gut wrenching experience I may not have done this and would still be in denial. I am a grown up now, no need to let the past run my life. No need to let my defence mechanisms I created as a child keep me from leading a happy life. I have learned to see the difference between my strong grown up self and my scared inner child. I understand the inner child and I understand her pain, but I am all grown up and ready to take responsibility for my life happiness and choices. I can self sooth and self validate. I know why I chose this BPD relationship, why I stayed in this abusive situation, why I went back again and again. I forgive myself for it. I will no longer jugde myself for it.

I will continue NC, I will keep working on me and be my best true authentic self. I still have my off days and still feel anger and hurt, but its far less then 200 days ago. I know he will try again, but I am not going to obsess about it. I will live in the now, and now is good!

200 days ago I was a mess, suicidal thought, burned out. I'd never think I would get through it, but I did. I worked hard at the lessons on this board, worked hard in therapy and I will continue to do so. To all of you in despair, it will be okay. In your own way you will heal. There is life after a BPD rs, but it will take time, work and a lot of self-reflection. My thoughts are with all of you and I all wish you strenght. These boards have been a savior! Thank you so much for all the support through the most dark time of my life! You are all wonderfull people and you deserve happiness. You are worth it!

[Mike-X]

Thank you so much for posting this. 

[ReclaimingMyLife]

200 days NC. My name is Recoop and I am a recovering BPD-holic. Its been 200 days since my last contact/fix.

200 days ago I wouldnt have believed that I would be in the place I am right now. Looking back I can only describe it as being stuck in a dark black hole filled with negativity, despair, anxiety and misery. Slowly I climbed out, a hell of a climb... . I am not yet at the top, but I can see what it looks like there. How good life can be. I still suffer from anxiety but its getting a tiny bit less every day. I did a lot of therapy, group therapy and treatment for PTSD. I feel like I am being reborn. NC is not a struggle any more. I have no desire to contact him. The only thing I have to worry about is how am I doing.

I am working on my happiness, career, health, life.

It will take time to get my trust back. Not trust in men, trust in me, my judgement, my intuition. It all starts with me.

I have learned a lot in these 200 days! And although I wouldnt wish this experience on anybody, its been good for me. I had to deal with FOO issues, abuse in childhood, codependancy traits... . Without this gut wrenching experience I may not have done this and would still be in denial. I am a grown up now, no need to let the past run my life. No need to let my defence mechanisms I created as a child keep me from leading a happy life. I have learned to see the difference between my strong grown up self and my scared inner child. I understand the inner child and I understand her pain, but I am all grown up and ready to take responsibility for my life happiness and choices. I can self sooth and self validate. I know why I chose this BPD relationship, why I stayed in this abusive situation, why I went back again and again. I forgive myself for it. I will no longer jugde myself for it.

I will continue NC, I will keep working on me and be my best true authentic self. I still have my off days and still feel anger and hurt, but its far less then 200 days ago. I know he will try again, but I am not going to obsess about it. I will live in the now, and now is good!

... .

There is life after a BPD rs, but it will take time, work and a lot of self-reflection.

You are worth it!

Wow and W O W.  Thank you, Recoop.  You've brought tears to my eyes.  You impress and inspire me.  You have done it!  You have done what I want.  You give me hope. I want to dive into the learning and the healing and the understanding and the recovery.  Thank you for doing this, for sharing it, for proving there is life on the other side of pwBPD r/s.  

I am determined to not hide behind my ego, my pride.  I want to lay it all out there with my new T, with myself, see what needs to be seen, do what needs to be done, do what you have done. Any tips on how to do it so well?  How to be insanely honest so that I may truly heal?  

Thank you and congrats on such life-changing success!

[Recooperating]

Hi reclaiming,

Im gonna quote sinatra and say "I did it my way". We all have our own ways and paths to recovery as we all are different. When I broke up with my dBPDexbf, I didnt think I could sink any deeper, but I did... . In T.

I had to figure out what had happened in my upbringing with a NPD father and a codependant mother. I had to go through the child abuse I suffered from our sitter from age 3-11. I used the boards to deal with my ex and T to deal with my past. I had to dig through the past to see how this shaped me and created patterns that had really helped me survive at that young age, but in my current life held me back. The fear, the need for validation, need to be seen, need to be excepted came from a father that was never satisfied. I was never good enough, an A should have been an A+. I realized that I created a pattern that I had to work hard to be loved, please people to be seen, change myself to fit in. It was my way to survive my upbringing.

And then came my BPD ex and the honeymoon phase! A person that showered me with love and attention! How wonderfull life was! Untill devaluation... . Old patterns kicked in... . I had to work harder, be better, earn his love again. The abuse was something I had experienced at a young age... . Nothing new there... . So I danced the dysfunctional dance. If only I worked harder he would love me again... . And he did and the recycle began. I manipulated him with pretending to be better, nicer, etc. He manipulated me... . I wanted the fairytale, i wanted the love from the honeymoon phase... . I was addicted to it for 14 years.

I had to face the facts and acknowlegde the pain that this child inside me was carrying... . I learned in group T with other amazing people with similar issues. I had to be brutually honest with myself. It was hard going through the crap I had put away for so long, but it was time.

I practised mindfullness, meditated, allowed all the emotions to be there, i am still going to a psycho-somatic fysio therapist (is that a word in english? Lol)

Its not easy changing patterns and habits, I have to be alert almost all the time. So its a work in progress, just as life is.

Besides that I kept focus on me. Hung out with my friends eventhough I wanted to hybernate and stay locked in my room. I excersized, had as much "fun" as I could... . And most importantly... . Like an alcoholic throwing all his booze away, I deleted everything of my ex and kept NC.

Dont know if it helps you reclaiming, like I said we all have our ways of dealing with things. I know you can do it Reclaiming, in your own unique way! Lots of strenght and wisdom to you!

[leftconfused]

"Looking back I can only describe it as being stuck in a dark black hole filled with negativity, despair, anxiety and misery."

Wow!  I said these words almost exactly to my exuBPDbf.  That is exactly what it is like and I am a pretty positive person, its so hard to be around the negative energy all the time. 

"I still have my off days and still feel anger and hurt, but its far less then 200 days ago. I know he will try again, but I am not going to obsess about it. I will live in the now, and now is good! "

This is good stuff.  This is where I am.  I haven't seen him since VDAY but there were nasty texts going on for a while until I completely cut him off 10 days ago.  I now have that anxiety of oh no, what is he going to do now!  I will take your advice and not obsess on it.  I will work on getting stronger so I am ready for whatever he throws at me.  Just discovered yesterday it appears he may be seeing someone else and while that hurts on some level its almost a relief that he has found a new distraction.

Thank you so much for this post!  You are truly an inspiriation. 

[Plonko]

Hi Recoop. I'm in a similar stage to you and have been NC and away from BPDexgf for about 9 months now. I honestly think the key is time. I know it's a cliché  to say time is a great healer but I honestly think in this situation it is.

What you say about forgiving yourself is absolutely right too. I have had to do the same but I also think that it's a small(ish) part of not being too hard on yourself. What are you forgiving yourself for? Not giving up on someone you cared about deeply? For trying to do your best for them? You shouldn't have to forgive yourself for that, I think that is almost like having to forgive yourself for just being a good person and doing what in a relationship with a normal person without BPD it would make everything work. Unfortunately unknown by us was that we were in a situation where that could never work.

I think this is where time comes into play. With time the blame and the who's fault is it questions become less important and we can realise the fact that is was nobody's fault. That our respective exes didn't choose to have a mental illness and we didn't choose to fall in love with someone with said mental illness.

I know there's also a lot of talk on these boards about learning to love ourselves and while I think for some that might be a good thing, it isn't for me. For me I have to learn to stop consciously worrying about how I feel and just get on with life in a normal way. For me it is almost learning indifference about myself. By that I think what I mean is by concentrating about what I do rather than what I feel and by doing what is generally the right things to do, the feelings (for me) take care of themselves.

An analogy of this is cooking myself something nice to eat and doing it because I'll enjoy eating it rather than because I want to treat myself and make myself feel better. By eating nice food, feeling better and treating myself is a by-product rather than a primary objective.

Anyway that's enough of my waffle. I'm glad you're doing well... . and that I am too. Let's all keep doing what works for us and by talking about it, maybe help other people somewhere along the line.