Those Darn Triggers

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It's been said that ignorance is bliss. Whoever came up with that I guess lived in lala land. After almost 3 yrs with my BPDx, I thought I knew and had a good handle on things on everything and anything BPD. Obviously I didnt and until I haphazardly landed at this site via the random Google search algorithm, I was in total ignorance about how critical Triggers are not only to my former BPDx during the relationship but now that I am focused on Me, I am becoming aware of how and what triggers my emotions... .mostly negatively as I work to detach and stay true to No Contact.

Past day 40 now I realize N/C is not easy. Mostly a daily grind of blood, tears and sweat. Determination, fortitude and inner will to want to free myself of the insidious pain that knaws at me. That sense of self worth as each day that passes in N/C gets stronger all the while realizing you No Longer want to be "controlled" by a person outhere somewhere that may or may not even care if your writhing in pain or are truly ok. Wanting to say, I am in control of my own feeling and emotions Now, not my BPDx. Once this out of control speeding train is back in control... . eventual Detachment. Awareness that if I continue to give free reign to my BPDX, she will keep me in an endless loop of recycles, mind games and abusive control. Someone has to be the grown up here, the normal sane one and in reality Only the Non can put a stop to the madness and insanity. That's me.

I may not have this right or true textbook but best I could find: A trigger is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma. Triggers are very personal; different things trigger different people. A person will react to this flashback, trigger with an emotional intensity similar to that at the time of the trauma. A person’s triggers are activated through one or more of the five senses: sight, sound, touch, smell and taste. The senses identified as being the most common to trigger someone are sight and sound, followed by touch and smell, and taste close behind. A combination of the senses is identified as well, especially in situations that strongly resemble the original trauma. Although triggers are varied and diverse, there are often common themes.

Being honest with myself I took to my notebook and there were some easy ones, but I knew there had to be some that were hidden on that slippery slope of subconscious thought. I went all out on this over a few days. While in a quite stillness I would get that sneaky raid from inside and there it was... .exposed. Another one found. What's really twisted is that I have some triggers that I found I have a dual polarity of Love/Hate with? Maybe that's how it's supposed to be? I've blocked those that I can.

I have plenty but I thought I would share my top 3 that I struggle with. If you dont know what yours are you may want to look into it.

1. Sexual/Intimate Fantasy: Definitely a love/hate with this one. I noticed that when I partake the following day is a tough one. No app to block this

2. Internet Media: Face Book, Craigslist, whatsapp, kik, emails, calls and texting.

3. Music.

[dagwoodbowser]

It's been said that ignorance is bliss. Whoever came up with that I guess lived in lala land. After almost 3 yrs with my BPDx, I thought I knew and had a good handle on things on everything and anything BPD. Obviously I didnt and until I haphazardly landed at this site via the random Google search algorithm, I was in total ignorance about how critical Triggers are not only to my former BPDx during the relationship but now that I am focused on Me, I am becoming aware of how and what triggers my emotions... .mostly negatively as I work to detach and stay true to No Contact.

Past day 40 now I realize N/C is not easy. Mostly a daily grind of blood, tears and sweat. Determination, fortitude and inner will to want to free myself of the insidious pain that knaws at me. That sense of self worth as each day that passes in N/C gets stronger all the while realizing you No Longer want to be "controlled" by a person outhere somewhere that may or may not even care if your writhing in pain or are truly ok. Wanting to say, I am in control of my own feeling and emotions Now, not my BPDx. Once this out of control speeding train is back in control... . eventual Detachment. Awareness that if I continue to give free reign to my BPDX, she will keep me in an endless loop of recycles, mind games and abusive control. Someone has to be the grown up here, the normal sane one and in reality Only the Non can put a stop to the madness and insanity. That's me.

I may not have this right or true textbook but best I could find: A trigger is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma. Triggers are very personal; different things trigger different people. A person will react to this flashback, trigger with an emotional intensity similar to that at the time of the trauma. A person’s triggers are activated through one or more of the five senses: sight, sound, touch, smell and taste. The senses identified as being the most common to trigger someone are sight and sound, followed by touch and smell, and taste close behind. A combination of the senses is identified as well, especially in situations that strongly resemble the original trauma. Although triggers are varied and diverse, there are often common themes.

Being honest with myself I took to my notebook and there were some easy ones, but I knew there had to be some that were hidden on that slippery slope of subconscious thought. I went all out on this over a few days. While in a quite stillness I would get that sneaky raid from inside and there it was... .exposed. Another one found. What's really twisted is that I have some triggers that I found I have a dual polarity of Love/Hate with? Maybe that's how it's supposed to be? I've blocked those that I can.

I have plenty but I thought I would share my top 3 that I struggle with. If you dont know what yours are you may want to look into it.

1. Sexual/Intimate Fantasy: Definitely a love/hate with this one. I noticed that when I partake the following day is a tough one. No app to block this

2. Internet Media: Face Book, Craigslist, whatsapp, kik, emails, calls and texting.

3. Music.

[Dunder]

Dagwood, Well, I just eliminated one very large and potent trigger, the one that was really dogging me in the recovery process. I deleted all her past messages and emails, over 20,000. I deleted my FB account permanently as well as all of my accounts and pages at other social media sites. The only thing I didn't do was block her on my lone email account because I want to know if she's trying to contact me, she should be able to. If she feels completely cut off, she might act out in ways that wouldn't be good for anyone. In the future, if she contacting me becomes a problem, then I'll block her there too, but I'm curious to see what she does now that I've taken down my FB page. Knowing she didn't lash out with an email to me will confirm for me that she has definitely moved on and that I can relax. So leaving the email open for now as her only access to me may actually help me move on.

Those lingering messages were really the last major trigger remaining and I just couldn't leave them alone. Yes, other things like music and memories of things we did together slow the process toward detachment, but these messages were my biggest obstacle.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Dagwood,

I have been noticing and dealing with some triggers.  Tough stuff IMO. 

No app to block this

I like that statement from you.  Kinda made me smile, but then it is true.  For me, I have found the most success when allowing myself to experience the trigger in manageable doses.  More liken to exposure therapy.  When I try to "block" a trigger, it feels more like suppression for me.

Interestingly enough, I went to bed last night with some sad triggering thoughts.  I spent the evening in a mess of awfully confusing and triggering dreams that I cannot shake from my mind!

I don't think I can run or hid or block my triggers.  My mind has proven to me that I cannot escape from the things it wants to sort out, as it will ruminate over them and taunt me in my sleep!  So I guess I'll experience these difficult feelings the best I can.

[dagwoodbowser]

Morning Dunder, SunflOwer: Thank you for your responses. Something that I am struggling with is the finality of it all that I am trying to accept. Less than 10 yrs ago I lost both a younger sister and then my mother. Most of it was pure shock. But the wakes, the funeral mass and then the headstones all make it real. It's final. With my BPDx, the first breakup I experienced shock. Happened out of no where, things were going so well. The first break up I pleaded, begged and did all I could to get closure, some sort of response as to why? After giving up, I started to go in realization of it's finality. 3 months later I get a random text asking if I wanted to meet. This process has been going on and on. So, it's as though we have a Zombie Relationship. Keeps resurrecting, wont die. As the Non Zombie, I have to end it. I have to make hard, brutal choices. Clean house and get rid of everything to help me once and for all bury this relationship.

Dunder: I know that was really hard for you to do man.

[Sunfl0wer]

Talking about "Zombie" r/s... .I think I know what you mean.

He announced we were b/u but then we lived together for months after that... .sometimes having intense intimate moments, sometimes in complete ST.

In trying to cope with this unique type of r/s "ending" but never truly dying, I found the following to be helpful, found here on this site:

Thanks to Spook120 for the following information:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=63304.msg602964

     Ambiguous Loss

« on: September 25, 2007, 06:31:09 PM » Quote Modify Remove Split Topic 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

     I attended a tramatic brain injury conference at Mayo recently and found the key note speakers topic applicable to the situation some of us are or have been experiencing. Dr. Pauline Boss discussed an aspect of relationships in which a significant other experiences a TBI.  In this situation, the person lives after the trama but is not the same person in a variety of ways.  Most people can deal with loss if it is defined and finite.  With TBI (and dealing with BPD's who leave suddenly) it is neither. 

What is Ambiguous loss?  It is a loss that is unclear, thus confusing, it is a problem that has no answer, no resolution, a loss that has no verification, thus no closure.  Sound familiar?  Due to the ambiguity surrounding the loss, individuals remain confused.  Without comprehension they can't find meaning.  Without meaning they can't find hope to move forward in their lives.  Both the coping and grief process is immobilized.

There are two main typologies of ambiguous loss:  Leaving with out Goodbye, a physical abscence with psychological presence and Goodbye without leaving, a psychological absence with physical presence.  In either situation the outcomes are predictable:  Immobilization of individuals and their relationships, confused decision making processes, a grief process which is frozen, prevention of closure, a helplessness and hopelessness, and emotional exhaustion. 

Boss suggests that there is a process for recovery from ambiguous loss and relates these steps:  1.  Find meaning 2. Temper mastery 3. reconstruct identity 4. normalize ambivalence 5. revise attachment  6. discover hope.   A complete explanation of these are beyound the scope of this post and it is suggested you seek the complete statements from her postings/book.

In summary ambiguous loss is a tramatic loss, but on going and without closure.  It is stress based on ambiguity.  It need not come from physical trama such as a TBI as some of us most graphically know.

Spook.   

 

So I have #1: found meaning

But #2: temper mastery... .idk if that means to master your angry feelings... .or control/temper your sense of mastery?

[Mutt]

Hi dagwoodbowser,

Sunflower gave you a great looking link

In a r/s with two healthy adults partners often give closure as to why they feel like the r/s isn't working out etc

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I can relate how traumatic the end of the r/s is with a pwBPD.

We can give ourselves closure

I agree hard choices

Hang in there.

----Mutt

[DyingLove]

Music quite often gets stuck in my head. Always did.

We had/have a song, our song, from the beginning, Miracles by Jefferson Starship.  I thought of it the other day and listened to it and posted it on FB too.  It's stuck in my head and it is a trigger that reminds me of her something HORRIBLE.  I can't get it out.  I've been getting hit with triggers left and right lately.  At night I bury myself in movies/tv shows... .but I even trigger with some of those because we watched everything together.

Do you think she, the exBPD triggers with that stuff too?  Do you think she walks into the kitchen (that used to be ours) and misses the home made food I used to cook? Does she walk out and look at the car port and everything missing?  Does she wake up in the morning, in our old bed, and think how I used to be laying aside her.  Is her house a pigstye again never to be clean the way it used to be?  Does the 9yo mention me on occassion out of the blue and she has no control except to listen.  Do she think on occasion that if I were there, the 9yo would be under better influence than not.  Does she think about how she DIDN'T have to cart the kid off to daycare when we were a family because I took care of her.

Does she think of any of that... .or is she just moving on?

[dagwoodbowser]

Do you think she, the exBPD triggers with that stuff too?  Do you think she walks into the kitchen (that used to be ours) and misses the home made food I used to cook? Does she walk out and look at the car port and everything missing?  Does she wake up in the morning, in our old bed, and think how I used to be laying aside her.  Is her house a pigstye again never to be clean the way it used to be?  Does the 9yo mention me on occassion out of the blue and she has no control except to listen.  Do she think on occasion that if I were there, the 9yo would be under better influence than not.  Does she think about how she DIDN'T have to cart the kid off to daycare when we were a family because I took care of her.

Does she think of any of that... .or is she just moving on?

DyingLove, I've been where you. After about day 20 or so of N/C, the intense sadness and anger seemed to disappear, not completely but enough that I started to think about some fond memories. I was at Walmart doing some shopping going through food isles. I was remembering how she the kids and I used to actually have a great time scooting around. Then I realized this what is called a Trigger! Yeah, it was a nice one, but it's gone. These are the one's that I especially have to let go of, house clean. As a Co-dependent, I tend to think of others before myself. That being said, I am likely thinking more about what she is thinking and doing than what I should be doing and thinking? I gave my all, everything last 2 yrs, got very little back. I have to start thinking, caring and worrying about Me. That being said DyingLove, start to trying to take better care of You and Your Thoughts, not hers.

[DyingLove]

I've gone to walmart now with my son... .I constantly say: we did this and she did that.  Trips to walmart are no longer the same.  I just wanna bypass getting food altogether.  Sometimes I just wanna curl up... .

I need a woman to take my mind off this stuff. Someone that understands my situation and someone that will comfort my needs and not be misled.  Is there a "rent a gal" in my area?  LOL

[dagwoodbowser]

[quoteI need a woman to take my mind off this stuff. Someone that understands my situation and someone that will comfort my needs and not be misled.  Is there a "rent a gal" in my area?  LOL][/quote]
Try Craigslist. If you need it and cant find it, you'll find it there. Caveat and Disclaimer: Craigs is where I met my current BPDx so buyer beware. I swear it's true... . You get what you paid for... .LoL!

[DyingLove]

[quoteI need a woman to take my mind off this stuff. Someone that understands my situation and someone that will comfort my needs and not be misled.  Is there a "rent a gal" in my area?  LOL]

Try Craigslist. If you need it and cant find it, you'll find it there. Caveat and Disclaimer: Craigs is where I met my current BPDx so buyer beware. I swear it's true... . You get what you paid for... .LoL![/quote]
Oh that is just so damn funny!   I don't think I would actually do it... .but I haven't had a compassionate woman near me since February.  I really miss and still love my ex.  I think if God gave me just ONE WISH, I would blow it on having her back in my life for good with no chance of B/U.

[Dunder]

Dunder: I know that was really hard for you to do man.

Once I did it, I realized I should've done it sooner. Oh well, the whole experience is one massive learning experience so why should I be surprised. I've already had these urges to check her FB and then I remember that I've deactivated the account and then it's a relief to know the decision to peek or not has been taken out of my impulsive hands. 

One more reason to hate Facebook is that they delay the deletion of the account for 2 weeks, obviously hoping you'll reconsider over that time. I understand there being a couple of days or even a week to reconsider your actions, but 2 weeks?  They obviously know that people have strong emotional responses to what they see on there and so they deliberating make it difficult to disconnect. 

[dagwoodbowser]

The only thing I didn't do was block her on my lone email account because I want to know if she's trying to contact me, she should be able to. If she feels completely cut off, she might act out in ways that wouldn't be good for anyone.

Dunder: Anytime my X had some sort of emergency, crises, major dramatic event or one of her meltdowns I was there, always. I took on a stoic sense of strength, sometimes actual, sometimes a facade because she saw me that way sometimes and would say I was her rock. However, I did have a few instances where I wanted to share my feelings or was weakened and those few times she was unable, unwilling or simply couldnt.

My question to you point blank... .if tonight you were in a bind, a sense of hopelessness, noose around your neck could you call her, email her with your gut wrenching and how would she respond or what would she do for you? I already know that answer for my particular situation. I know that if she does reach out to me it's not about me. Not that she's a bad person, she's just incapable.

[DyingLove]

I don't even know why I feel so obliged to be on edge about the prospect of her contacting me.  She hasn't and honestly it feels like she's not going to.  So idiot me sits here waiting and hoping... .instead of focusing on myself like I should be.  Damn... .I know what to do... .and I don't.  Talk some sense into me please.  By the way, it's really cold here today in Central NY. Snow this morning... .my body is really aching.

[dagwoodbowser]

[quoteI don't even know why I feel so obliged to be on edge about the prospect of her contacting me.  She hasn't and honestly it feels like she's not going to.  So idiot me sits here waiting and hoping... .instead of focusing on myself like I should be.  Damn... .I know what to do... .and I don't.  Talk some sense into me please.][/quote]
DyingLove, she may reach out, she my not. It will be on her timetable Not yours if she does. Mine just did last night. But there was really nothing tangible about anything she said. She was likely heavily medicated and acted impulsively as she always does. To me it's meaningless. I want to live, move forward, start growing again. My situation is very different than yours as I think my R/s was far more toxic and had far too many relapses. Also, this last time it just about was the death of me at my own hand... .but here I am. That event in it of itself tells me something is very wrong, not just with her but me. I really want to fix myself. I co-dependently threw myself at her for a solid 2 years and there was no pay off. It's time for me.

[DyingLove]

[quoteI don't even know why I feel so obliged to be on edge about the prospect of her contacting me.  She hasn't and honestly it feels like she's not going to.  So idiot me sits here waiting and hoping... .instead of focusing on myself like I should be.  Damn... .I know what to do... .and I don't.  Talk some sense into me please.]

DyingLove, she may reach out, she my not. It will be on her timetable Not yours if she does. Mine just did last night. But there was really nothing tangible about anything she said. She was likely heavily medicated and acted impulsively as she always does. To me it's meaningless. I want to live, move forward, start growing again. My situation is very different than yours as I think my R/s was far more toxic and had far too many relapses. Also, this last time it just about was the death of me at my own hand... .but here I am. That event in it of itself tells me something is very wrong, not just with her but me. I really want to fix myself. I co-dependently threw myself at her for a solid 2 years and there was no pay off. It's time for me.[/quote]
Nicely, sincerely put.  I have in the back of my mind the "reserve" thought of her contacting me.  So even though I'm sure she won't... .and I know I should ALWAYS stay n/c and burn all my bridges and I know the best thing for me is to erase her from my life as best as possible... .I keep the "reserve" thoughts just in case.  So I'm not completely trying, and I know it.  I hate that... .it's like I'm trying to fool myself or convince myself of something.  Maybe even lie to myself... .but it won't and can't work.  How can you totally lie to yourself?

[Dunder]

Dagwood,

To answer your question, she would've told me how much worse off she was. Whenever I brought up any kind of difficulty or past problems I had experienced, she'd make light of it and tell me, you're always feeling sorry for yourself, most of time in a joking or semi-joking way, but she'd never show interest in any of my problems so I learned not to expect that kind of attention from her. If I ever mentioned a problem, even a minor issues, she'd almost always try to one-up me by shifting the conversation back to how unfair life had been to her.

One time I dared to point out that she wasn't the most compassionate person in the world, which set her off in a big way.  She quickly flipped it on its head and said "what about compassion for me!" After I understood her disorder I realized that pwBPD are super sensitive to anything that could be perceived as criticism and that my disappointment in her lack of compassion was processed by her as me basically saying that she was a horrible person unfit for this world. One time I complained about her lack of gratitude for a gift I got her and the same thing happened, she flipped out.  Emotionally, I was the giver and she took and took and gave very little back. I always felt unsupported, like she couldn't track me emotionally. I realize now she is incapable of empathy. A psychologist recently explained to me that empathy is a learned behavior that is part of the emotional development of children that never took place in borderlines.

[DyingLove]

I'll certainly vouche for the criticism reaction!