finally left girlfriend after almost 2 years...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello everyone,

      around two years ago i met a girl at a bar and the first few months were great, she said she was falling in love with me, wanted to marry me one day, the whole 9 yards.  oddly tho during this time she would flirt with others in front of me, she even gave oral sex to a guy in a car when we went to the bar together, she blew up my phone the next day calling and texting 56x... .  for some reason i forgave her... . this type of acting out and then begging for forgiveness happened many times for months, including some of it being my own insecurities causing problems... .

she denies it of course but im sure she slept multiple times with a few of my friends, and the relationship began to devolve into me just giving her money but us not spending any time together. constantly i was questioning her contradicitons in words and actions, and lack of sex.  we never had sex but we would mess around.  she lies about literally everything and it wouldnt suprise me if her name was a lie... .  this was about the 5th time she came back a month ago, i begged her to come back, and i bought her a car, yes i know pathetic.  well enough was enough, i tried to calmly tell her i wasnt happy, that she should find a guy or gal, ( she is bi) that she is more into and that im not in love with her anymore.  i said i wanted my car back as im not interested in supporting a girl who doesnt even want to hang out or have a sexual relationship. i even offered her gas money to get rides to work the next week... .she completely flipped, went 140mph threatening to crash the car and kill us, and that if she couldnt keep the car she would make up a story that i tried to rape her... .i took the car back when she finally parked in front of my house and i went nuts... . i through all her out of my car, yelled at her, made her cry, and told her i do everything for you and all you do is sleep with my friends and talk bs about me behind my back.  keep in mind i was paying her rent, giving her clothes, saved her job and from jail, my unlce is a lawyer. she stole twice from two bars... .  i even bought her a car( i know pathetic, but her mom said she was about to lose her job, i suspect her mom is nuts too).  anyway, i finally put my foot down in a stern way and she falsely accused me of rape and abuse.  now since there is no evidence of this, she had a friend spread this on facebook. i threatened her mom and her to take it down or i will pursue legal action, she also has a warrant for her arrest, and i was close to calling the cops to turn her in, but i just figured it would die down. 

so quesiton, will she just go away since i got rid of her and made her walk home and finally put my foot down in a serious way, or will this escalate.  what should i do? what can i expect from her? is there any chance to salvage the relationship because i still do care about her, i just think shes too unstable to associate with... .?  shes been silent for a week, no apology, nothing.  her last test a week ago was , " hope youre effing happy"... .   

best/mcgahee21

[McGahee21]

Hello everyone,

      around two years ago i met a girl at a bar and the first few months were great, she said she was falling in love with me, wanted to marry me one day, the whole 9 yards.  oddly tho during this time she would flirt with others in front of me, she even gave oral sex to a guy in a car when we went to the bar together, she blew up my phone the next day calling and texting 56x... .  for some reason i forgave her... . this type of acting out and then begging for forgiveness happened many times for months, including some of it being my own insecurities causing problems... .

she denies it of course but im sure she slept multiple times with a few of my friends, and the relationship began to devolve into me just giving her money but us not spending any time together. constantly i was questioning her contradicitons in words and actions, and lack of sex.  we never had sex but we would mess around.  she lies about literally everything and it wouldnt suprise me if her name was a lie... .  this was about the 5th time she came back a month ago, i begged her to come back, and i bought her a car, yes i know pathetic.  well enough was enough, i tried to calmly tell her i wasnt happy, that she should find a guy or gal, ( she is bi) that she is more into and that im not in love with her anymore.  i said i wanted my car back as im not interested in supporting a girl who doesnt even want to hang out or have a sexual relationship. i even offered her gas money to get rides to work the next week... .she completely flipped, went 140mph threatening to crash the car and kill us, and that if she couldnt keep the car she would make up a story that i tried to rape her... .i took the car back when she finally parked in front of my house and i went nuts... . i through all her out of my car, yelled at her, made her cry, and told her i do everything for you and all you do is sleep with my friends and talk bs about me behind my back.  keep in mind i was paying her rent, giving her clothes, saved her job and from jail, my unlce is a lawyer. she stole twice from two bars... .  i even bought her a car( i know pathetic, but her mom said she was about to lose her job, i suspect her mom is nuts too).  anyway, i finally put my foot down in a stern way and she falsely accused me of rape and abuse.  now since there is no evidence of this, she had a friend spread this on facebook. i threatened her mom and her to take it down or i will pursue legal action, she also has a warrant for her arrest, and i was close to calling the cops to turn her in, but i just figured it would die down. 

so quesiton, will she just go away since i got rid of her and made her walk home and finally put my foot down in a serious way, or will this escalate.  what should i do? what can i expect from her? is there any chance to salvage the relationship because i still do care about her, i just think shes too unstable to associate with... .?  shes been silent for a week, no apology, nothing.  her last test a week ago was , " hope youre effing happy"... .   

best/mcgahee21

[McGahee21]

Im not positive, but hints of sarcasm about prostitution, they way she talks, drug addiction, and her overall view of everything being a hussle, and her speed in life makes me believe she delved into prostitution when she was a teenager.  i know she was kicked out when she was 16... . 

i really care about this girl, and she was so awesome when things were good, and i want to help her, i just dont know how... .  part of it has been my fault, because when drunk in the past, i would get so mad at her... .  i feel like its like no what i do for her, she keeps getting further away.  i bought her the car a month ago and we werent even hanging out... .

[McGahee21]

Im pretty heartbroken honestly and feel like a fool for putting up with so much bs.  our whole social circle knows about it, including some of my friends i know she slept with and i just dont know what to do... .  shes in constant trouble with the law and finances and we have been on and off for 2 years.  i just feel embarassed but i still love her because we were very close emotionally, or maybe it was just me idk... .

[Mike-X]

Welcome to the boards. I am really sorry for all that you have been through.

Have you had a chance to read through the lessons? 

I believe that this is a good one to start with: https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

Although I understand the confusion that occurs while in and after a relationship with a person with BPD, I am wondering if you would care to elaborate on your question about "salvaging" the relationship?

Are you seeing a therapist to work through all of the trauma that you have dealt with?

[McGahee21]

Welcome to the boards. I am really sorry for all that you have been through.

Have you had a chance to read through the lessons? 

I believe that this is a good one to start with: https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

Although I understand the confusion that occurs while in and after a relationship with a person with BPD, I am wondering if you would care to elaborate on your question about "salvaging" the relationship?

Are you seeing a therapist to work through all of the trauma that you have dealt with?

i havent seen a therapist, my friend said i should so i can get over her and get on with my life... .  i guess the only reason i have barely any feelings left is because i invested so much in her, when things were good it was really fun, and many times she made me feel great.  i guess i love her and thats the only reason i feel like trying again, but if she were to reach out and apologize i would approach everything differently... .  i bought her an apartment over a year ago through a friend who was the landlord.  she got kicked out after asking him for money and his wife saw the text... .  i always bailed her out, gave her clothes, was there emotionally, but she just took me for a ride i guess you could say.  the hardest part is wondering if she ever really cared, just her actions were so bizzare, one day she wants to marry me, the next shes cold and starts sneaking behind my back... . i was enabling her, and i dont think she ever thought i would walk away.  but at some point, when it gets to the point where you buy her a car and save her job, and for a month youre only texting and not hanging out, u realize things are beyond ___ed up and its time to walk... . 

[McGahee21]

The last thing i told her was why are you flipping out, why are you suprised.  like clearly we arnt sleeping together or hanging out anymore and the only time you see me is for money or you text me when you want attention... .   she flipped out and almost killed us in the new car, and threatened to make up the story about me raping her... . her mom even  believed her, although im guessing she knows the truth now because i told her i already told the cops everything and im willing to show texts, voicemail, interviews, dna test... .  she didnt repsond... .

its honestly just heartbreaking, i just dont know what to do from here.  i do want to try and fix things, i just need advice on what to do if she does reach out again, which she will... . 

[dagwoodbowser]

Hey MCGAHEE21. Really sorry to hear about your situation. In the end you have to do what is right for your own self esteem, heart and self preservation. I am not much about giving direct advice, but your story is close to mine. I was with my BPDx almost 3 years. We met randomly, hit it off and at that time she and her 2 kids were living in terrible conditions. The rescuer in me was touched and I started doing all I could to help her. She wasnt working so I was helping financially. It was during the first 3 months that we dated that I noticed a few odd things. She always had extra cash on her and she was constantly fielding texts. These texts would come at all hours including very late at night. One night, her phone was blowing up. I had a gut feeling and while she slept I looked over her texts. There were some very, very graphic exchanges she was having with at least 3 guys. I didnt sleep and made coffee, stayed up till she woke up. I asked about the texts and she confessed (this would be the last time she ever admitted to anything) that she was offering men a "girlfriend experience" but for a fee.

Anyway, I could have walked away at that moment but I went into some sort of weird denial and because I really wanted to help her and my feelings for her I let it slide. Long story short, regardless of money, favors done for her and her kids, helping her get her GED she never completed, etc., etc. the lies, the cheating never went away. Each time she got busted she simply became better and better at hiding her indiscretions. What's worse, she was telling her mom, her sisters and on FB that I was abusive? She was always drinking or getting high. I would go to work, house was always a mess and she was terrible with the kids. For life of me I cant tell you or explain why I stayed as long as I did and I always tell myself it was because I loved her? Anyway, we went through lots of break ups, each time we got back together it took a while for her to get rid of the new guys she had been seeing. The final straw was that the last time she asked to get back together she made a ton of promises. The most important was that we would go to Church on Saturday evenings cause I had to work. She did ok for several months and I was seeing improvement. On Saturday I didnt hear from her all day, she wasnt responding to texts or calls. I picked up her kids and we went to church. She didnt come home. The following day she gave me this long ass sob story about her sister having had some friend that had passed away and she was w sister consoling her. I semi believed it. Days later, out of sheer bad luck for her and me, I guy I was working with was showing me pics of his recent vacation and I saw a pic of My Girl all cheeky with some guy standing next to a bar. I didnt want to embarass myself so I asked him who that girl was. He told me that his friend had been hooking up with this girl and she was hanging out with them that Saturday night. His friend had of course shared all the gory details of what he had been doing to her and with her with him including that wild drunken night. That was it.

In the end it's your choice. But I lived in continuous stress, anxiety and confusion. I now understand it's called FOG, fear, obligation and guilt. Hope that helps.

[Mike-X]

On FOG:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

The book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is also a good source.

[Mike-X]

i havent seen a therapist, my friend said i should so i can get over her and get on with my life... .  i guess the only reason i have barely any feelings left is because i invested so much in her, when things were good it was really fun, and many times she made me feel great.  i guess i love her and thats the only reason i feel like trying again, but if she were to reach out and apologize i would approach everything differently... .  i bought her an apartment over a year ago through a friend who was the landlord.  she got kicked out after asking him for money and his wife saw the text... .  i always bailed her out, gave her clothes, was there emotionally, but she just took me for a ride i guess you could say.  the hardest part is wondering if she ever really cared, just her actions were so bizzare, one day she wants to marry me, the next shes cold and starts sneaking behind my back... . i was enabling her, and i dont think she ever thought i would walk away.  but at some point, when it gets to the point where you buy her a car and save her job, and for a month youre only texting and not hanging out, u realize things are beyond ___ed up and its time to walk... . 

A good therapist will help you explore your thoughts and feelings about this relationship, help you heal from the abuse that you have dealt with, and help you to look for and establish healthier relationships in the future.

[Mike-X]

The last thing i told her was why are you flipping out, why are you suprised.  like clearly we arnt sleeping together or hanging out anymore and the only time you see me is for money or you text me when you want attention... .   she flipped out and almost killed us in the new car, and threatened to make up the story about me raping her... . her mom even  believed her, although im guessing she knows the truth now because i told her i already told the cops everything and im willing to show texts, voicemail, interviews, dna test... .  she didnt repsond... .

its honestly just heartbreaking, i just dont know what to do from here.  i do want to try and fix things, i just need advice on what to do if she does reach out again, which she will... . 

I certainly understand the heartbreak and confusion. Breakups in general are not easy, but when you add all that is brought into the relationship by this disorder, the breakup feels extremely painful.

Can you elaborate on what you mean by "try and fix things"?

The allegations of rape are very concerning.  There are several threads on her about members dealing with the legal consequences of false criminal allegations.

[McGahee21]

The last thing i told her was why are you flipping out, why are you suprised.  like clearly we arnt sleeping together or hanging out anymore and the only time you see me is for money or you text me when you want attention... .   she flipped out and almost killed us in the new car, and threatened to make up the story about me raping her... . her mom even  believed her, although im guessing she knows the truth now because i told her i already told the cops everything and im willing to show texts, voicemail, interviews, dna test... .  she didnt repsond... .

its honestly just heartbreaking, i just dont know what to do from here.  i do want to try and fix things, i just need advice on what to do if she does reach out again, which she will... .  

I certainly understand the heartbreak and confusion. Breakups in general are not easy, but when you add all that is brought into the relationship by this disorder, the breakup feels extremely painful.

Can you elaborate on what you mean by "try and fix things"?

The allegations of rape are very concerning.  There are several threads on her about members dealing with the legal consequences of false criminal allegations.







yes the allegations never went to the cops, ( because she was lying), but she had a friend post my pic and name and the bar i frequent saying i raped her friend and beat her up, and then took her car... .  when i told her mom im going to press charges for false rape and abuse accusations, her friend took it down. and nobody believed her at the bar i go to, as she was kicked out of there for stealing and other bs a year ago... .  anyway, as far as fixing things, i love her when she is cool and fun, her affectionate side.  i love her and want to try and fix things, but im not sure what to do as far as philosophy about having an open relationship ( which i dont mind as long as i come first), and how i just generally go about bringing all this up to her when she does contact me again.  do i set boundaries?  i dont trust giving her money, or letting her drive my car. hell her own parents dont... . part of me knows i need to walk away because its a sinking ship, but i do love her and i guess thats enough to give it one more shot, but im not sure.  i just feel bad for her, and i dont want to see her go down with drugs and her issues.  i guess its just something i have to decide.  literally none of my family or social circle likes her.  her own dad told me if she wasnt blood, he wouldnt associate with her.  he even told me a story of her calling the cops on her parents for abuse when she was 14... . it was a lie.  and her story about her being raped by her cousin when she was 14 is starting to seem like a lie too.  she always uses pity to feel her way into a situation.  she makes up stories of her friends dying in order to get sympathy and money.  e.g. "my friend died of a drug overdose, i need money to help them"

i love her, want to help and try and fix the relationship, help her, but im not sure how to fix things if she doensnt want help... . idk

[McGahee21]

if i want to save the relationship, what should i do?   

thanks for the replies. it helps dealing with it... .

[Mike-X]

if i want to save the relationship, what should i do?   

thanks for the replies. it helps dealing with it... .

Can you help me to understand what are you imagining a "saved relationship" would look like?

[McGahee21]

if i want to save the relationship, what should i do?   

thanks for the replies. it helps dealing with it... .

Can you help me to understand what are you imagining a "saved relationship" would look like?

i guess optimally she would be in some type of counseling, she would be more honest, and i guess just be normal. watch movies, go out for beers, workout together, even just try to be like it was during the first few months.  idk, every time we have been off for a couple months she would start with a new guy/gal but it would end because of her issues.  she always tries to push the envelope... .  idk, i just wish she cared about me outside of what i can do for her... .  its like she sees me as the best bf ever, and than the moment i communicate my needs or try to get closer, she pulls her bs. and then we break up again.  in reality, it wasnt much of a relationship, outside of messing around a few times, we never even slept together, although she would always hint at it and talk about it or promise it.  i wasnt naive or ignorant about what was really going on, i just ignored it because i cared about her... .   i just want a regular relationship with her, if that makes any sense.  to put it bluntly, i want her to respect me

[McGahee21]

outside of her suspected BPD, she has psychotic episodes.  she has jumped out of a moving car and jumped out a window within the past year thinking people were after her.  shes lots of fun, but there is something off about her if that makes any sense.  like random crying, severe anxiety, bizarre background, and just ridiculous pathological lying on a level that is incredible.  she has narcissistic tendencies and is very very sexual.  she associated with gang members in detroit when she was in middle school, which is when i think some bad shyt happened to her... .

[McGahee21]

im pretty much the only guy who has ever taken her seriously.  i wonder if her mom even knows whats really going on.  i wonder if she even believes me

[Mike-X]

if i want to save the relationship, what should i do?   

thanks for the replies. it helps dealing with it... .

Can you help me to understand what are you imagining a "saved relationship" would look like?

i guess optimally she would be in some type of counseling, she would be more honest, and i guess just be normal. watch movies, go out for beers, workout together, even just try to be like it was during the first few months.  idk, every time we have been off for a couple months she would start with a new guy/gal but it would end because of her issues.  she always tries to push the envelope... .  idk, i just wish she cared about me outside of what i can do for her... .  its like she sees me as the best bf ever, and than the moment i communicate my needs or try to get closer, she pulls her bs. and then we break up again.  in reality, it wasnt much of a relationship, outside of messing around a few times, we never even slept together, although she would always hint at it and talk about it or promise it.  i wasnt naive or ignorant about what was really going on, i just ignored it because i cared about her... .   i just want a regular relationship with her, if that makes any sense.  to put it bluntly, i want her to respect me

outside of her suspected BPD, she has psychotic episodes.  she has jumped out of a moving car and jumped out a window within the past year thinking people were after her.  shes lots of fun, but there is something off about her if that makes any sense.  like random crying, severe anxiety, bizarre background, and just ridiculous pathological lying on a level that is incredible.  she has narcissistic tendencies and is very very sexual.  she associated with gang members in detroit when she was in middle school, which is when i think some bad shyt happened to her... .

I agree that the key would be for her to get into counseling.  However, that is something that she has to decide that she wants to do, correct?  And there are lots of challenges to getting a person to decide to go into treatment:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/treatment-borderline-personality-disorder

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

It seems that you are struggling with accepting that the woman that you were with the first few months is this same woman with this serious personality disorder. With what you have learned about BPD so far, what do you think she switched?

[McGahee21]

if i want to save the relationship, what should i do?   

thanks for the replies. it helps dealing with it... .

Can you help me to understand what are you imagining a "saved relationship" would look like?

i guess optimally she would be in some type of counseling, she would be more honest, and i guess just be normal. watch movies, go out for beers, workout together, even just try to be like it was during the first few months.  idk, every time we have been off for a couple months she would start with a new guy/gal but it would end because of her issues.  she always tries to push the envelope... .  idk, i just wish she cared about me outside of what i can do for her... .  its like she sees me as the best bf ever, and than the moment i communicate my needs or try to get closer, she pulls her bs. and then we break up again.  in reality, it wasnt much of a relationship, outside of messing around a few times, we never even slept together, although she would always hint at it and talk about it or promise it.  i wasnt naive or ignorant about what was really going on, i just ignored it because i cared about her... .   i just want a regular relationship with her, if that makes any sense.  to put it bluntly, i want her to respect me

outside of her suspected BPD, she has psychotic episodes.  she has jumped out of a moving car and jumped out a window within the past year thinking people were after her.  shes lots of fun, but there is something off about her if that makes any sense.  like random crying, severe anxiety, bizarre background, and just ridiculous pathological lying on a level that is incredible.  she has narcissistic tendencies and is very very sexual.  she associated with gang members in detroit when she was in middle school, which is when i think some bad shyt happened to her... .

I agree that the key would be for her to get into counseling.  However, that is something that she has to decide that she wants to do, correct?  And there are lots of challenges to getting a person to decide to go into treatment:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/treatment-borderline-personality-disorder

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

It seems that you are struggling with accepting that the woman that you were with the first few months is this same woman with this serious personality disorder. With what you have learned about BPD so far, what do you think she switched?

to just be totally honest, i got her this apartment, and when alone with her a few times i didnt escalate things,   call it anxiety, call it nervousness, whatever, but lets just say the signs were beyond obvious and i didnt move... .  from that day forward we slowly stopped hanging out and even though there was talk of love and marriage, she was basically just using me.  i was only seeing her when she needed money or free drinks. ya ridiculous.  things got bad for me emotionally when i found out months later she was sleeping with a good friend of mine that whole time while saying all the lovign things to me.  like i said, i suspected it, knew what was going on, but i didnt care. i loved her.   basically she lost repsect for me, epsecially when i begged for her to come back.  her respect for me got so low, she literally told me to get out of her car, ( it wasnt her car).  when i finally flipped and manned up to her, she was pretty scared and never saw me like that.  not to be a dick, but its probably something that actually needed to happen in order for her to feel my strength as a man and see a line that cant be crossed.  im not gonna lie, im prepared for her to never reach out again, but i hope she does.  because i want to work it out, but on way different terms and without me giving up my respect as a man.   i communicated to her that not sleeping together was causing huge problems and she opened up and said she likes girls more because she has severe anxiety with men.  i think she was actually telling the truth because she would always become more open and sexual when taking xanax.  as if she was taking the xanax to be comfortable during sexual situations.   

[Mike-X]

i wasnt naive or ignorant about what was really going on, i just ignored it because i cared about her... .   i just want a regular relationship with her, if that makes any sense.  to put it bluntly, i want her to respect me

Although I believe that I know where you are coming from, can you elaborate on the "i want her to respect me" part? Are you struggling with self-respect, because of all that you have been through, in addition to wanting her respect?

[McGahee21]

should i continue to wait until she reaches out? thats what i feel is best... .

should i bring up counseling? should i bring up that its very mentally sick to make up false rape accusations. ( she acted as if she made up a story that i stole 20 bucks from her)... . like it was normal... .

i did promise to get her a car, but that went through the window because its just ridiculous.  i may love her, but im tired of being a sucker and her personal atm machine for drugs.

will she probably break contact soon? its been a week?  and how will she react if i bring up counseling, she has to want help... .

[McGahee21]

i wasnt naive or ignorant about what was really going on, i just ignored it because i cared about her... .   i just want a regular relationship with her, if that makes any sense.  to put it bluntly, i want her to respect me

Although I believe that I know where you are coming from, can you elaborate on the "i want her to respect me" part? Are you struggling with self-respect, because of all that you have been through, in addition to wanting her respect?

yes i struggle with self esteem, although i have no reason to.  decent life, handsome, cool to chill with. etc.  i especially became a pleaser with her... . etc etc

[McGahee21]

as far as her respecting me, i want her to be honest with me, i want her to not talk bs about me behind my back. i want her to look up to me and appreciate all that ive done for her.  i just dont understand how she would be so about me, but than so just whatever... . 

i just wish she would realize how much i care about her.

[Mike-X]

i wasnt naive or ignorant about what was really going on, i just ignored it because i cared about her... .   i just want a regular relationship with her, if that makes any sense.  to put it bluntly, i want her to respect me

Although I believe that I know where you are coming from, can you elaborate on the "i want her to respect me" part? Are you struggling with self-respect, because of all that you have been through, in addition to wanting her respect?

yes i struggle with self esteem, although i have no reason to.  decent life, handsome, cool to chill with. etc.  i especially became a pleaser with her... . etc etc

Are you familiar with 'sunk costs' in a relationship?

www.npr.org/2015/02/13/385948508/how-sunk-cost-fallacy-applies-to-love

Basically investing and not wanting to lose the investment even if the relationship is not working.

[Mike-X]

as far as her respecting me, i want her to be honest with me, i want her to not talk bs about me behind my back. i want her to look up to me and appreciate all that ive done for her.  i just dont understand how she would be so about me, but than so just whatever... . 

i just wish she would realize how much i care about her.

Given all that has happened, do you think it is likely that you can get this from her or that you can have the loving relationship that you want or deserve?

What do you know about push/pull and the root causes of push/pull in a relationship with a person living with BPD?

[McGahee21]

as far as her respecting me, i want her to be honest with me, i want her to not talk bs about me behind my back. i want her to look up to me and appreciate all that ive done for her.  i just dont understand how she would be so about me, but than so just whatever... .  

i just wish she would realize how much i care about her.

Given all that has happened, do you think it is likely that you can get this from her or that you can have the loving relationship that you want or deserve?






What do you know about push/pull and the root causes of push/pull in a relationship with a person living with BPD?

i know that every time we started to get close, and i began to open up or feel comfortable, she would back away, or worse cheat.  and then i would devalue myself more by trying to beg her to come back or help her financially.  it was like she was subconsciously conditioning me to be used for financial and emotional validation.  i dont feel she is capable of having a healthy friendship with anyone, let alone a relationship.  but i do love her when she is just being herself.  whats very very strange is she is a completely different personality around lesbians, black people, white people, educated people, etc.  like completely different.  its almost scary... .  sadly after all this bs, i have to admit that i dont even really know who she really is, seriously... .  i just miss the fun times, and just how i felt for the first time in a long time a beautiful girl wanted me so bad... .  

all i know is something happened to her when she was around 14-15 and she changed dramatically.  like she went through a war or something.  to this day im almost positive she was a prostitute although she never would admit to it.  i saw past facebook comments to confirm it as a possibility as some girls who she had a argument with would accuse her of sleeping with older men for money.  when she first met me she would text me that she just wants to quit her job and be a prostitute, or if she was low on cash she would say ill just be a prostitute.  i remember i was talking to her in the car when i first met her and talking to her about this cool movie called " he got game".   i brought the part up with the prostitute and she said  " thats me"... . i was kinda shocked... .  anyway, i want to help her and try to make it work.  but im not sure she is even capable of having normal relationships.  like i said, something is off about her, almost like she is pure emotion if that makes any sense.  or that she has no identity, she always brings up my past conversations or hobbies. idk, its hard to explain. its like she doenst have any passions outside of soccer.  its like shes just a hedonist, almost not a person with normal human depth in their personality.  her likes and personality conform to who she is around.

[Mike-X]

Identity disturbance is a core symptom of BPD.

identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

Are you familiar with 'mirroring' in BPD?

[McGahee21]

Identity disturbance is a core symptom of BPD.

identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

Are you familiar with 'mirroring' in BPD?

  yes I'm familiar with mirroring.  when she reaches out again should I recommend counseling?

[Mike-X]

Identity disturbance is a core symptom of BPD.

identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

Are you familiar with 'mirroring' in BPD?

  yes I'm familiar with mirroring.  when she reaches out again should I recommend counseling?

If she was mirroring you, do you see how that might have affected your attraction to her early on and might explain the dissonance that you seem to be struggling with regarding the 'real' her?

How do you think she might respond to you recommending counseling? Most of the things that I have read have said it is a bad idea to tell someone you suspect that they have BPD. But what are your thoughts?

Are you in a good mental state to interact with right now?

[McGahee21]

Identity disturbance is a core symptom of BPD.

identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

Are you familiar with 'mirroring' in BPD?

 yes I'm familiar with mirroring.  when she reaches out again should I recommend counseling?

If she was mirroring you, do you see how that might have affected your attraction to her early on and might explain the dissonance that you seem to be struggling with regarding the 'real' her?



How do you think she might respond to you recommending counseling? Most of the things that I have read have said it is a bad idea to tell someone you suspect that they have BPD. But what are your thoughts?

Are you in a good mental state to interact with right now?

Yes i understand, but there were many times where  it seemed like she was  being real with me, and would tell me very personal things, although i know people with BPD disassociate from people as if they are able to cut off emotions.  i would say its probably a good idea me and her dont talk for a while, along with her unpredictable behavior, shes dangerous to be around and im realizing that now.  this is a girl that was active in gangs in detroit when she was in middle school... .   i think deep down, shes a good person.  i have actually talked to her about this a few months ago before our last blow up and she was just kind of eh. although she did admit she has problems mentally... .   idk, after this huge blowup, maybe she will never contact me again.  at some point i had to stand my ground, it was getting ridiculous

[McGahee21]

one thing that troubles me is im almost positive shes seeing a good friend of mine. i found out he was lying too. and she says things and he says things so i know they are talking.  i dont consider him a friend anymore, simply a drinking buddy and i know his character.  i didnt confront her about it when i took the car back, but that was part of it.  

i wonder if she thinks i know,... .  ten days is the longest i have ever gone nc