A Turning Point in my Journey.

[Reecer1588]

My life for the past 3 months has been mental hell. The stress of being a full time college student and the trauma of my event have compounded to make this one of the most, if not most difficult mental challenges of my life. I can come here today to honestly say, although I have not reached the light at the end of the tunnel, I can finally see it nearby. After a night of partying and socializing on April 19th, I made a decision that would forever alter my journey, bring me to the brink of a life ruining situation, and finally, help me get out of it.

After having been previously warned by a police officer that any contact with my ex girlfriend would result in being charged with harassment, after over 2 months, I took my life into my own hands, and directly e-mailed my ex girlfriend. Here is the content of the email:

[START] Dear A,

These past couple of months have been some of the hardest of my entire life. I never knew what real pain was like until I lost you. Every night, is a struggle for me. I am constantly just crying, or thinking about what I could have done differently, or where I went wrong.

I understand that there are huge risks involved in even emailing you. I understand that you may cringe at every single word from me. I've decided to take a leap of faith, a leap that I've never taken before in my entire life. Even as I'm writing this, I am just so scared. I am scared that you will hate every word I write. Or that you will not even read what I have to say. Or that I have lost you forever.

A besides my own mother, you were, and are, the most important person in my life. I care about you immensely, with ever fiber of my being. Your feelings, your thoughts, your ambitions, your everything, it's just so important to me. I am absolutely dedicated to you. I care about you so much.

I have been through hard things in my life. Learning my mom had an abscess in her lung back in January, when she had to go to lung screenings all the time, how she has arthritis and how she is always in pain. I'm not sure I have ever told you, but my mom was the only person in my life who ever believed me when I told her that I was being bullied at Southwest Christian. I'm a momma's boy, A. She was always there for me, in my darkest moments.

But so were you. You were the one who was there for me when I was having such a hard time at trinity, and you were the one who stayed by me when I couldn't find my self confidence back at paschal. You were the one who taught me that I was a lovable human being. You were always there for me.

The truth is, it hurts me so much that I can not be a part of your life anymore. I know that there are other guys, interested in horses, and cowboys who could have so much more in common with you. I know that even right now, there might be someone else in your life.

I want you to know, that there is absolutely no one else in my life. Even if I never get to talk to you again, it may be years before I even talk to anyone else. I'm just so dedicated to you.

But there's a bottom line, and here is what I know: I can't make you do anything you don't want to do. If you've made the decision to never speak to me again, then there's just nothing I can do. There is nothing on this Earth that I can do to make you want me again.

But A, my hand is extended. It will always be extended to you. I'm always going to be here for you, thick or thin. Bad times and Good times. If that just means a person to sit and watch television with you, then that is what I'll be for you. If that means a shoulder to cry on when you're sad, then that is who I will be.

Do not ever think for even one second, A, that there is not someone who loves you. That you can not be loved. There is someone who loves you every day of his life. There is someone who is willing to go to the ends of the Earth, turn on the entire world, for you. I will always be on your side, A. Always. Never doubt it. I will always be on your side.

Your feelings are so important to me. My number is xxx-xxx-xxxx if you want to call me. Or email me back here.

A please, I beg of you, don't think I'm trying to hurt you with this email. My family has been through so much pain recently because of my mom's medical stuff. I wish I had the time to describe it to you. If you don't want to respond to this email, that is your choice. I will NOT send you another one without your permission.

I've spoken from the heart, A. This is my deepest soul. You are so important to me. [FINISH]


I poured my heart into this email. I knew that I was taking the biggest risk of my life. I was literally risking jailtime and the end of any future career, and putting it in the hands of a disordered girl.

On April 19th, a Monday, I receieved a phone call from her college: She does not want to file charges. Do not contact her again, have a nice day.

I was spared.

She had reported the fact that I had contacted her, but did not transfer the content of the email, tell her mother about the email (and believe me, the mother would have shown no such mercy). She did turn my contact into the authorities,  But, in essence, she let it slide.

I am not sure why my ex spared me. I believe that on some level, it's a couple of things: A hallmark Of BPD: The failure to detach (she did not want to close the door on herself but would close it on me), and, frankly, I believe she liked my email. I believe that I wrote a heartfelt enough letter that even a disordered girl who had split me black couldn't bring herself to press charges over it.

Believe me, after months of threats and the walls put between her and me, the fact that she let this email slide, It is significant of something.

How has this email been a turning point for me?

1. My conscious: The last thing I had ever said to my ex was a hurtful text message wherein i told her she was cold and manipulative and would end up like her mother. It hurt my conscious as a man every single day that this may be the last thing she ever read of mine. Will this email be our final interaction until theh bury us in the ground? I don't know. But At least I can feel better, knowing this last email was loving, and reflective of the fact that I will always care for her.

2. It has proven to me, that even though I was close to the brink, Some force, some mercy, some failure to detach, idk, saved me. I am forever grateful to her for sparing me on this day.

For the future: I know that my relationship is over. Do I know whether she'll ever even interact with me again? I Have no idea. But my hand will always be extended. And I'm just so glad that this the last thing she read of mine. It brings me literal tears of joy.

I have gone full NC. April 21st marks the first day I stopped looking at her social media in any way. I blocked her and all of her friends on facebook, and my days looking at her pinterest are done. I have finally taken the advice of others, and By God people it is hard not to look. But I know what looking means, it just means more pain.

My journey is not over. Not by any extent. I do not discard the possibility that one day she may interact with me again, but I know that my role has ended.

I look forward to making more threads,

And reaping the benefits of this great community.

Forever yours,


Reece.

[Mister Brightside]

Dude, I'm glad you feel better about things right now, but it made me uncomfortable to read that you were grateful she did you a favor by sparing you. She did nothing that you should be thankful for. This is Stockholm syndrome. You feel thankful to her because she chose the lesser of two punishments.

She doesn't deserve anything from you, and I know one day you'll move on, find another girl, and be ecstatic that this girl is in your past. Start working on yourself to be the kind of man that future girl will want. I know that's difficult to internalize right now. Most of us aren't ready for new relationships due to trauma bonding. But it will happen.

[Maternus]

Hi Reece,

congratulations for finally going NC. This is the right step. It's your time to take care of yourself. 

[Reecer1588]

Dude, I'm glad you feel better about things right now, but it made me uncomfortable to read that you were grateful she did you a favor by sparing you. She did nothing that you should be thankful for. This is Stockholm syndrome. You feel thankful to her because she chose the lesser of two punishments.

She doesn't deserve anything from you, and I know one day you'll move on, find another girl, and be ecstatic that this girl is in your past. Start working on yourself to be the kind of man that future girl will want. I know that's difficult to internalize right now. Most of us aren't ready for new relationships due to trauma bonding. But it will happen.

I'm not at that point yet where I want her to be 'in the past' but I'm getting there. Stopping looking at her social media has helped. And I want to be very clear. When I wrote that this has been a 'turning point', I'm not kidding. Something in my mind is quite different now. I think the satisfaction of knowing the last thing of mine she may ever read isn't the vitriol is a big factor.

My conscious is clear. and now it's to make a path towards healing now.

I'm trying not to be a lost cause here. I went NC, I have a clear conscious, I'm working on making her a fixture of the past, I know that she hasn't closed that door on herself so she could step through it at any time, but I'm working on closing it on my end.

[FannyB]

Well done Reecer for doing what you had to do in order to create a platform for really moving forward with your life. Happier days ahead, I hope. 

[Reecer1588]

Well done Reecer for doing what you had to do in order to create a platform for really moving forward with your life. Happier days ahead, I hope. 

I didn't think it would take going on the edge... . But it did. But I'm so glad I did! My conscious is clear. The last thing she'll read of mine won't be vitriol. Happier days are ahead, I'm sure of it!

[JohnLove]

Hi Reecer1588. Boy, was that PAINFUL to read. I am very glad that you did what was right for you... .I am glad you also dodged a bullet... .but I can't help thinking you played right into her disorder.

Overall... .more strength to you, mate.

[Reecer1588]

Hi Reecer1588. Boy, was that PAINFUL to read. I am very glad that you did what was right for you... .I am glad you also dodged a bullet... .but I can't help thinking you played right into her disorder.

Overall... .more strength to you, mate.

How did I play into it?

Knowing my last words (maybe, depending on whether SHE ever interacts with me again, but I am neither hoping for that nor waiting) to her were loving and reflective of my true character rather than vitriolic, soothes my conscious.

[Skip]

How did I play into it?

It really doesn't matter anymore.  It's over now.

Do you feel the peace?  Embrace it. Tell us more about it so that you have it in writting to read 3 weeks or 4 months from now.  This can be a place to come back to.  A turning point.

And tomorrow, you can start examining who reece is as a romantic partner - what is good - what needs work. Game films! Dissect it all. Do the work.

A new beginning.

[jhkbuzz]

Well done Reecer for doing what you had to do in order to create a platform for really moving forward with your life. Happier days ahead, I hope. 

I didn't think it would take going on the edge... . But it did. But I'm so glad I did! My conscious is clear. The last thing she'll read of mine won't be vitriol. Happier days are ahead, I'm sure of it!

There is a great deal of peace in a clear conscience.  I'm happy for your, Reecer.

To the future!