She needs so much time

[Lizelle]

      So, I'm 28 years old, and I only found out that my mother has BPD a few weeks ago.  My therapist suggested that she might have it and she fits 7 of the 9 requirements in the DSM. 

I'm just now starting to recognize when she blames me for things that I did that aren't wrong but made her feel a certain way, etc. and then criticizes me for the action.  I've started to read "Surviving a Borderline Parent" and it really has been very helpful. 

As I am now starting to recognize when she is purposefully trying to hurt my feelings and stop that direction of conversation, my biggest issue is that she always NEEDS something from me. 

She is 51 years old - has a stable job and a Master's Degree, but she cannot write her own resume and look for jobs herself?  (She has 90K student loan debt and cannot defer them any longer and is starting to have to make payments.  Her current job doesn't pay enough to cover all her bills - around the 40K area.)

I've gone over to her house multiple times and sat with her and showed her how to search different companies and see if they have positions available, and then tailor her resume to that job.  (She has a master's degree, she can write a resume!) 

She just called me today panicking again, because she just NEEDS me to really buckle down with her and help her find a job.

If I say I don't have time, she tries to guilt trip me by telling me this is also for me, so I won't have to worry about her not being able to pay her bills, etc. etc.

Constantly complains that she feels like a burden to me... .(MAYBE STOP BEING ONE).

*sigh*   I just really needed to vent.  I am managing her *demands* better, and am even able to say No, from time to time.  How do I stop the guilt?

[Turkish]

Hello Lizelle,.

I'm sorry that you are struggling with your mother who on the surface should be able to take care of herself. I've struggled with similar issues with my mom, and trying to understand what's appropriate duty as a child as opposed to care taking (basically) is tough. 

Another good book is Understanding The Borderline Mother, by Christine Lawson. Does this description sound familiar?

"THE WAIF MOTHER’S MOTTO: LIFE IS TOO HARD Life is hard, but the Waif communicates the message to her children that life is overwhelmingly hard, that it is hopeless to try to achieve goals. The Waif tolerates life rather than enjoying it, and her children may thus adopt her hopelessness and feelings of inadequacy. They may feel shackled to their mother by separation anxiety or guilt. Compulsive self-sufficiency or unhealthy dependency may characterize their adult relationships. Because the Waif’s life is hard, her children’s lives can be difficult. Adult children may assume responsibility for financial crises, medical bills, physical care, or housing. Not knowing how much help is appropriate or how frequently they should visit, the Waif’s adult children may grow weary with guilt and worry. Loyalty conflicts can arise as adult children marry and have families of their own. Resentment may grow with time."

Lawson gives tips at the end of the book on how to set boundaries. We have a thread here which may also be helpful:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

Turkish