24/7 validation

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

Just venting here... .I'm at a loss since it seems if I don't validate my uBPDw 24 hours a day it's "why she feels this way"... .

How do you all deal with your spouse when any and all progress is tossed away any/every day I don't get up and grope her like I'm 16 years old (because I must be getting it someplace else... .)

It's not 3 steps forward/2 steps back... .it's 3 steps back each and every day.  We've been married 5 years (2nd marriage for us both) but if I don't act like we're on our first date then it must be because I'm using my extra 5 minutes of alone time to meet up with some hooker... .

(Gee, do I sound frustrated?)

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mike-X]

Just venting here... .I'm at a loss since it seems if I don't validate my uBPDw 24 hours a day it's "why she feels this way"... .

How do you all deal with your spouse when any and all progress is tossed away any/every day I don't get up and grope her like I'm 16 years old (because I must be getting it someplace else... .)

It's not 3 steps forward/2 steps back... .it's 3 steps back each and every day.  We've been married 5 years (2nd marriage for us both) but if I don't act like we're on our first date then it must be because I'm using my extra 5 minutes of alone time to meet up with some hooker... .

(Gee, do I sound frustrated?)

Is she in therapy? Other than groping like a 16 year old (which can be quite fun), how have you tried to address her fears of abandonment?

[maxsterling]

Yeah... .  Validation is a great technique.  It works best when we incorporate it into our everyday conversations where everything we say becomes validating (or at least not invalidating).

Where it becomes tiresome is when the pwBPD needs and expects validation for everything.  My wife goes through extended periods like that, and believe me, it is exhausting.  She will spend all day and every day complaining about this or that (calling me up at work, even), wanting me to validate and not just listen.  SO many times I struggle to not just tune her out, and she picks up on it, and is upset.  So in the middle of rant #3424 of the day, she will stop and say, "You aren't even listening to me!"

In the case that you mentioned above, she may spend all evening complaining about something, complaining of pain, being tired, or depressed.  Then we go to bed and she will remark, "you don't even try to initiate sex with me!"

Uggh.

All of the above are telling me she's not in the mood for sex.  And then she wants sex?

[Mike-X]

Yeah... .  Validation is a great technique.  It works best when we incorporate it into our everyday conversations where everything we say becomes validating (or at least not invalidating).

Where it becomes tiresome is when the pwBPD needs and expects validation for everything.  My wife goes through extended periods like that, and believe me, it is exhausting.  She will spend all day and every day complaining about this or that (calling me up at work, even), wanting me to validate and not just listen.  SO many times I struggle to not just tune her out, and she picks up on it, and is upset.  So in the middle of rant #3424 of the day, she will stop and say, "You aren't even listening to me!"

In the case that you mentioned above, she may spend all evening complaining about something, complaining of pain, being tired, or depressed.  Then we go to bed and she will remark, "you don't even try to initiate sex with me!"

Uggh.

All of the above are telling me she's not in the mood for sex.  And then she wants sex?

How do you stay centered and present in the mmoment even you begin feeling like tuning her out?

Knowing what you know about BPD, what do you think might be the underlying cause of all of this for her?

[ColdEthyl]

I dunno man I failed last night. My H will get into these modes where he wants to talk excessively for hours at a time. He will have an opinion about something, then rant about it, repeating the same points over and over and over. He had a four hour festival last night, and I did not do well. Trying to watch my favorite show (he knows it) and I just kept saying "I know babe. I know. I know. You said that already. You said that. I know. I know." and obviously that was a bad idea.

He called me out on it... .got upset and I'm like... .dude... .you literally keep saying the same thing over and over and over. I can't respond any differently when you are not presenting any new information whatsoever. He says then "I wasn't talking to you! I was talking to myself! I'm talking to the directors of the show!" (he was commenting about how that the drugs used on the super spy wouldn't react the way they were on the show, so he's yelling at the directors through the TV)

Then, he switched from that to crying about a dog video he saw. He will switch from one topic to something that he wants sympathy for after he feels like he's been called out. It's a pattern I noticed but couldn't stop. I just had no fight in me at all to use the tools. I have a sinus infection and I'm friggin' tired.

Normally, what we should do is actively listen, validate, etc etc. Sometimes... .it's just difficult. What has been helping me when I get this way is doing an activity by myself. Something I enjoy to clear my head. I am going to go do some wildlife photography this weekend

[an0ught]

It's not 3 steps forward/2 steps back... .it's 3 steps back each and every day.  We've been married 5 years (2nd marriage for us both) but if I don't act like we're on our first date then it must be because I'm using my extra 5 minutes of alone time to meet up with some hooker... .

We don't have to validate nonsense all the time. We don't want to be a machine where you press the button and it feeds validation. Hmm  , thinking about it I like to be kissed and I tend to return it so maybe not a machine where you press a negative button and get automatically validation.

Validation="You don't trust me, you fear I'm running after other women if you can't see me. It is not true. Still nothing I say or do will be convincing you for long. This is exhausting and I stop trying to convince you."

Obviously got to be followed up by not being baited into a new round.

Validation requires ongoing effort. Boundaries once in place tend to stand on their own feet.

Yes she is lacking trust but this is an ongoing problem, it is her problem and she needs to get used to manage this herself.

And no, she won't like it.

[Stalwart]

Isitmeorisither:

Is she seeking validation or reassurance? So many women, (sorry not sexist just no experience here with men) assume that sexual context or contact is reassurance of love or being wanted. I suppose to some degree it is validation that you want her but on the other hand is it reassurance that you're going to stay with her and that everything's alright and you're remaining steadfast in your marriage?

Just a suggestion - have you tried to exchange physical groping with words and small acts of recognition to see if the intensity of the issue moves more away from the physical requirements and more toward the abstract context of wanting and needing her? You know... . flowers once in a while, an impromtu date, quick loving emails saying that you miss her and can't wait to get home... .the small things we usually do when we first meet and somehow let fall along the way. If you paid a lot of attention to her in the begginning of your relationship (which most of us do) than that's the man she was attracted to and the person she wants. A lesson most of us guys could learn to do better and not fall into the pit of not meeting the needs we originally did. "You;re just not the same man I met"... .sounds all too familiar to too many of us I'll wager.

If it is reassurance as a result of fear, you are waivering, or don't love her; it might help to pay attention to other means of showing her reassurance. If she can't trust, which is probably the case, then one way or another it has to be a requirement to meet those fears in the hopes that one day she can learn to trust a little more.

Problem is for so many they have spent their lives with men who were attracted to them for all the worng reasons, and that is sexual pleasure that she probably can't disassociate that from the actions of a man who truly loves her in a lasting relationship. Sex falls off - they walk - she's abondoned. It's probably all she knows, it's learning how to steer it in a better direction for you if you don't like the physical attention you have to endow on her.

Just food for thought my friend.

[shatterd]

another freightng one for me here    these actions from my ex keep me awake most nights constant fear   sad part is i miss the abuse to a point   the attntion   the lack of it is hard   this constant false cheeting crap  realy? ya i think they do this to justify there actions  so they dont feel the guilt and all that    they say theres hope tho if they want it to be that way  im not so sure

[Mike-X]

another freightng one for me here    these actions from my ex keep me awake most nights constant fear   sad part is i miss the abuse to a point   the attntion   the lack of it is hard   this constant false cheeting crap  realy? ya i think they do this to justify there actions  so they dont feel the guilt and all that    they say theres hope tho if they want it to be that way  im not so sure

How long have you been separated?

[shatterd]

we split up in january  this time  and were off n on  untill alomost 2weeks ago  nc was orderd   its never ben that way b4  weve ben apart once for 8 mnths  but we still talkd evry few days   idk this seems diffrent this time

[Mike-X]

we split up in january  this time  and were off n on  untill alomost 2weeks ago  nc was orderd   its never ben that way b4  weve ben apart once for 8 mnths  but we still talkd evry few days   idk this seems diffrent this time

Why does it seem different? How long were you together in total?

[shatterd]

8 years   seems diffrent bekuz of the strenght of the lies she makeing up  trying to get me locked up  and her violence this time was very real and physical  the emotional abuse she put on me the last year may never heel  bazzar actions of suicide attempts  4 this year so far  shed make something up or get triggerd by nothing  and manufacture this tv guidline story   unreal man  and its ben less than 2weeks since we together and theres a duesh bag with her now   her scence of drama  wow destroyd every event this past 12 months on purpose   this is worst ever bad episode 

[Mike-X]

8 years   seems diffrent bekuz of the strenght of the lies she makeing up  trying to get me locked up  and her violence this time was very real and physical  the emotional abuse she put on me the last year may never heel  bazzar actions of suicide attempts  4 this year so far  shed make something up or get triggerd by nothing  and manufacture this tv guidline story   unreal man  and its ben less than 2weeks since we together and theres a duesh bag with her now   her scence of drama  wow destroyd every event this past 12 months on purpose   this is worst ever bad episode 

I am sorry that you went through so much. I remember just feeling completely stunned at time by the accusations. It is just such a brutal disorder. And the contrast between idealization and the devaluing/deregulation is just soo  hard to wrap one's head around.

So on the one hand, you sound like you have mixed feelings, but on the other, you sound like her deregulation is too much for you to deal with and you are staying no contact?

[shatterd]

im prtty sure im done for now at least   she has lil effort in theropy so idk about change   if change is possable  and there is good change idk if theres another chance or not   the no contact was her  she made this story up about abuse to get back at me   she had became very violent this time and got herself introuble   she also lost her place to live low income houseing   for her lies and extended lack of effort to pay rent   i have a hard time leaving this alone i care for the devil so much and looseing her love is painfull   for the best prlly tho   im prty sure the nc order will be droppd on monday lack of evidence i here but idk   we have 3 kids