I'm a coach and one of the soccer moms is High Conflict

[Nope]

Well, that's the polite way of putting it. Honestly, it's terrible. Now not only am I dealing with nasty irrational emails from the uBPD mom of my DH's kids, I'm also dealing with completely inappropriate and nasty email correspondence with this woman! The first couple of email exchanges I did a little SET and BIFF. But she seemed not ok with not getting a rise out of me. I mean, the woman's obvious desperation for conflict is evident in the fact that she's going after her twelve year old daughter's volunteer soccer coach at all. (Vol-un-teeeer... . that means I'm paying the same money for my kid to play and getting out there and helping the team practice for games out of the goodness of my heart!)

The latest escalation has been that her daughter was goofing around after I already called an end to practice and was having a couple of words with the group before breaking. Her daughter kicked a soccer ball and I didn't see it coming because I was busy addressing the group and it smashed me in the face and shattered part of my top front tooth. Long story short, by the time I got home that night from the dentist I had an email waiting for me from this girl's mom telling me that I should expect to get hit in the face with a soccer ball during practice and that I was rude to her daughter by not responding when she apologized. (I don't know if the kid apologized or not, I was too busy pulling bits of teeth out of my mouth and then quickly letting everyone know that I was taking myself to a dentist and running off before the kids could see me cry or potentially see any blood.)

The following day I sent out an email to all the parents explaining what happened and letting them know that a lot of goofing around had been going on during practices as of late and to please just speak to their kids about it. (I had been planning to write such an email before the accident anyway, but this made it all the more important.) I, of course, got a raging email from this girl's mom about an hour later about what a horrible coach I am, how her poor daughter was terrified by my behavior, that my broken tooth was my problem, and that she would not stand by and let me make her daughter feel less-than, and that if anyone should be apologizing it should be me. She also said she knows the right people and will go up the chain and something will be done about me.   

I am totally aware that she is acting like this because she has no ability to process guilt and, if she was capable of feeling things in a healthy way, she'd be feeling horrible over the whole thing right now. I certainly know I would if my SD12 was goofing off and hurt a coach. But all this woman is capable of is feeling triggered and attacked.

So, at this point, I don't think the situation is salvageable. My DH's kids have an ill mother and I hate the idea of making a kid feel punished for their parent's behavior. But my DH made the point that if I let this kid stay on my team, I can expect nothing but more of the same for the whole rest of the soccer season. He also made the other point that since I have to put up with so much from our kid's BPD mom that dealing with a second raging monster who is specifically out to get me just doesn't make sense.

What do you all think?

[Mike-X]

Wow. What a terrible story. What are your options with the soccer league?

[going places]

Now not only am I dealing with nasty irrational emails from the uBPD mom of my DH's kids,

Forgive me, I am confused.

Let me know if this is right:

You are married to a man, who has a daughter, who you coach.

The ex wife of your husband, mother of this daughter who you coach is sending you nasty emails.

This daughter, kicked a soccer ball and broke your tooth.

[Nope]

Now not only am I dealing with nasty irrational emails from the uBPD mom of my DH's kids,

Forgive me, I am confused.

Let me know if this is right:

You are married to a man, who has a daughter, who you coach.

The ex wife of your husband, mother of this daughter who you coach is sending you nasty emails.

This daughter, kicked a soccer ball and broke your tooth.

LOL! No!

I am married to a man who has a daughter who I coach.

I am married to a man who has a daughter who is uBPD.

Because I am married to a man who has an uBPDexW, I sometimes have to deal with her nasty emails.

I have also been receiving nasty emails from the mom of one of the other players I coach.

This other player that I coach kicked the soccer ball and broke my tooth.

The mother of this other player that I coach has now ramped up her nasty emails in response to her daughter breaking my tooth.

That make better sense?

[Nope]

Wow. What a terrible story. What are your options with the soccer league?

I'm actually in the process of finding that out. The league asked me to send them copies of the emails today.

But the plot thickened when DH came to see SD12 play. This woman decided to create problems at the game. So now I suspect that there will not only be a problem of nasty emails, but a problem of escalating verbal altercations as she stood on the sidelines trying to goad DH and getting in his face and then telling him he needed to "grow a dick" when he put his hands out and told her she needed to back up. *sigh*

[going places]

Now not only am I dealing with nasty irrational emails from the uBPD mom of my DH's kids,

Forgive me, I am confused.

Let me know if this is right:

You are married to a man, who has a daughter, who you coach.

The ex wife of your husband, mother of this daughter who you coach is sending you nasty emails.

This daughter, kicked a soccer ball and broke your tooth.

LOL! No!

I am married to a man who has a daughter who I coach.

I am married to a man who has a daughter who is uBPD.

Because I am married to a man who has an uBPDexW, I sometimes have to deal with her nasty emails.

I have also been receiving nasty emails from the mom of one of the other players I coach.

This other player that I coach kicked the soccer ball and broke my tooth.

The mother of this other player that I coach has now ramped up her nasty emails in response to her daughter breaking my tooth.

That make better sense?

You are a married woman, step-mom to a 12 year old female that is uBPD.

Your husbands ex wife, mother of your step daughter is also uBPD.

You are getting nasty grams from a mother, of a child you coach.

A different child, not the step daughter, not the child of the mom sending nasty grams, but a 3rd child, kicked a ball that broke your tooth.

You now have a second mom (the mom of the different child) sending nasty grams.

1 ex wife, w/ uBPD

1 step daughter w/ uBPD

1 mom sending nasty email

1 player kicking a ball breaking your tooth

That players mom, (the 2nd mom) now sending nasty emails.

phew... .is this right?

[Mike-X]

Wow. What a terrible story. What are your options with the soccer league?

I'm actually in the process of finding that out. The league asked me to send them copies of the emails today.

But the plot thickened when DH came to see SD12 play. This woman decided to create problems at the game. So now I suspect that there will not only be a problem of nasty emails, but a problem of escalating verbal altercations as she stood on the sidelines trying to goad DH and getting in his face and then telling him he needed to "grow a dick" when he put his hands out and told her she needed to back up. *sigh*

Wow. I feel bad for him, but it sounds like he stayed centered. Hopefully you will hear back from the league soon. It is just too bad so much parent drama is taking place.

[Panda39]

Forgive me, I am confused.

Let me know if this is right:

You are married to a man, who has a daughter, who you coach.

The ex wife of your husband, mother of this daughter who you coach is sending you nasty emails.

This daughter, kicked a soccer ball and broke your tooth.

LOL! No!

I am married to a man who has a daughter who I coach.

I am married to a man who has a daughter who is uBPD.

Because I am married to a man who has an uBPDexW, I sometimes have to deal with her nasty emails.

I have also been receiving nasty emails from the mom of one of the other players I coach.

This other player that I coach kicked the soccer ball and broke my tooth.

The mother of this other player that I coach has now ramped up her nasty emails in response to her daughter breaking my tooth.

You are a married woman, step-mom to a 12 year old female that is uBPD.

Your husbands ex wife, mother of your step daughter is also uBPD.

You are getting nasty grams from a mother, of a child you coach.

A different child, not the step daughter, not the child of the mom sending nasty grams, but a 3rd child, kicked a ball that broke your tooth.

You now have a second mom (the mom of the different child) sending nasty grams.

1 ex wife, w/ uBPD

1 step daughter w/ uBPD

1 mom sending nasty email

1 player kicking a ball breaking your tooth

That players mom, (the 2nd mom) now sending nasty emails.

phew... .is this right?

you guys are giving me such a chuckle  

Anyhoo... .

Besides the girl's mom being a completely obnoxious pain in the butt and confrontational boob what has the daughter's behavior been like?  :)id she ever apologize?  Shown any guilt or remorse for the incident?  She did a dumb thing but it sounds like an accident.  My SO's uBPDxw has acted like this mom and has embarrassed the hell out of her children.  It sounds like mom will probably have to go because no one needs this type of person around and unfortunately the daughter will go with her.  I guess I'm suggesting that you keep in mind that the daughter is not her mother and let her know that you're sorry about what happened and you know it was an accident... .just between the two of you (because we all know that the daughter will be punished if she doesn't show complete loyalty to mom).  I think the daughter needs to know she is forgiven.

[Nope]

you guys are giving me such a chuckle  

Anyhoo... .

Besides the girl's mom being a completely obnoxious pain in the butt and confrontational boob what has the daughter's behavior been like?  :)id she ever apologize?  Shown any guilt or remorse for the incident?  She did a dumb thing but it sounds like an accident.  My SO's uBPDxw has acted like this mom and has embarrassed the hell out of her children.  It sounds like mom will probably have to go because no one needs this type of person around and unfortunately the daughter will go with her.  I guess I'm suggesting that you keep in mind that the daughter is not her mother and let her know that you're sorry about what happened and you know it was an accident... .just between the two of you (because we all know that the daughter will be punished if she doesn't show complete loyalty to mom).  I think the daughter needs to know she is forgiven.

Yeah, since I don't know Going Places at all, I can't tell if I'm being that unclear or if I'm being trolled. 

The daughter seems completely unaffected by any of this. My (NOT uBPD) SD12 said she didn't hear the girl try to apologize at all and a couple of the other players said that the daughter was laughing about the whole thing. But of course, she was further away from the group and may not have realized how badly harmed I was. Still, seeing her coach talking to the group and then getting smacked in the face with a soccer ball she kicked... .a little bit of human empathy would have been more normal. I get the impression that the mother's dislike and disdain for me has been a topic of conversation at home. The girl's attitude at the game was completely normal as if nothing had happened. So I'm pretty sure her mother has done a good job of convincing her not to feel any remorse.

[going places]

Not trolling... .just trying to figure out who is who before I comment... .

I don't want to say something, and have my people all messed up!

[going places]

The question is "what do I think"

As a coach, you are going to get lunatic parents. It's part of the "job".

If you are being assaulted by a parent, you go to the league / board of directors, turn over all emails and provide witnesses to corrobrate your story of verbal abuse. And you have that parent and child ejected from the league.

It is 100% unacceptable for a human being to think it's ok to verbally abuse or badger another human being.

If the league / board of directors will not back you up, resign.

You can submit your dental bill to the league / board of directors for reimbursement because the child was disobeying and acting recklessly, but good chances they will tell you too bad. Throw the girl off the team. Problem, solved.

I am not sure how the ex wife, and you ended up with so many people around you having BPD, or how that all fits into the story.

But the above is what I would do with the soccer mom's nasty emails.

[Nope]

Update: I talked it over with the league director. He, being in receipt of copies of the emails the crazy soccer mom sent me, agreed that she was out of line and downright crazy. He even said that in all his years with the league he'd seen many problem parents, but has never seen anything quite this bad. However, apparently when he (as a voice of authority) confronted her about her behavior she backed right down, admitted she realized she was wrong, said her emotions just get the better of her sometimes, and begged not to have her child moved to a different team. 

So, since I'm not keen on punishing a kid for having a crazy mom (sure this kid broke my tooth, but that was an accident due to goofing around typical of her age), since I don't want to lose a player because it's unfair to the rest of the team to be short on the roster, I told him I was willing to keep the kid on. So now there is essentially a league-issued restraining order that this mother has agreed to. She is not to come near me or DH and she is not to send any more emails or say or do anything to make me in any way uncomfortable. If she does, her daughter's spot on my team will need to be "reevaluated".

Great in theory, we'll see what actually happens.

[Mike-X]

Love your attitude and how you handled this! I hope the rest of the season is drama free.

[HopefulDad]

Update: I talked it over with the league director. He, being in receipt of copies of the emails the crazy soccer mom sent me, agreed that she was out of line and downright crazy. He even said that in all his years with the league he'd seen many problem parents, but has never seen anything quite this bad. However, apparently when he (as a voice of authority) confronted her about her behavior she backed right down, admitted she realized she was wrong, said her emotions just get the better of her sometimes, and begged not to have her child moved to a different team. 

So, since I'm not keen on punishing a kid for having a crazy mom (sure this kid broke my tooth, but that was an accident due to goofing around typical of her age), since I don't want to lose a player because it's unfair to the rest of the team to be short on the roster, I told him I was willing to keep the kid on. So now there is essentially a league-issued restraining order that this mother has agreed to. She is not to come near me or DH and she is not to send any more emails or say or do anything to make me in any way uncomfortable. If she does, her daughter's spot on my team will need to be "reevaluated".

Great in theory, we'll see what actually happens.

I also coach girls youth soccer and this is *exactly* how I expected it would play out.  They will absolutely boot her and her child from the league if she even gives you the stink eye.  Most rec leagues have zero tolerance regarding parents' behavior towards refs, coaches, players and parents of other players.  I'm glad your director enforced this.  And because there are plenty of parents who can't help themselves from getting on refs in particular, most directors have lots of practice dealing with this kind of behavior.  This wasn't entirely new to him.

[ForeverDad]

I believe the girl's mother does not see you as having any authority so you're fair game as a target for her tirades.  However, she sees the league director as an authority and so turned on the tears, almost surely crocodile tears.  (As a rough comparison, picture yourself as a targeted parent and the director as a judge in court, the mother naturally disrespected you and stroked and tried to con the director.)  Whether she is sufficiently chastised to last the rest of the season, who knows?  Me?  I wouldn't mind if she stayed in the league, just with another team.  If not this time, then next time and I figure the odds are above 50/50 that there will be a next time.

I believe the girl is at high risk to follow in her mother's callous footsteps of shrugging off responsibility and shifting blame, considering the reports you've heard from others.  Whether you can do anything to get through to the girl, I don't know.