dagwoodbowser,
I was with my Ex for 6 years. We have two kids together. Though she was always emotionally dysregulating, such that I was walking on eggshells, and diagnosed with depression, lying was a new trait that she exhibited during her detachment from me and towards and affair partner.
It's tough to sort through the past while we are in the process of detaching from our ex significant others or spouses. We may think, "this is a person I never knew," or conclude that their moral values are opposed to ours. If they mirrored us, it makes it all the more confusing. pwBPD have an unstable sense of self. That was there before they met us, and they take it with them. From the 30,000 ft view, the mirroring (for example) looks like lying. It is, but it's an unhealthy coping mechanism for them. It's about emotional or even, I would say, existential survival.
Christine Lawson, in
Understanding the Borderline Mother(a book I would recommend to most Leavers here, because it helped me understand my Ex), says:
"Some borderlines consciously distort the truth in order to prevent abandonment, maintain self-esteem, or avoid conflict. Others may lie to evoke sympathy, attention, and concern. From the borderline’s perspective, however, lying feels essential to survival. (Although not all borderlines consciously lie, all borderlines experience perceptional distortions.) When desperation drives behavior such as lying or stealing, they feel innocent of wrongdoing and do not feel guilt or remorse. Apologies are rare, therefore, and borderlines may be confused about why others expect them to feel remorse. They believe that others would do what they did in order to survive. Their explanation is succinct, “But I had to!” Thus the borderline is unconcerned with the consequences of lying because she feels she had no other option.""Because I had to!" This tracks with what my Ex used to say to me about her cheating, "maybe it had to happen," or a year after she left as she was hugging me desperately, "I wish things could have been different!"
We can say it's them not taking accountability. Again, from the 30k ft view, that's true, but it's all they know. As my therapist said, "This is who she is. I sense that a lot of your anger stems from you expecting her to be someone she is not." She did it, and still does it (lies of omission) because that's how she copes. She knows nothing else. You don't know what you don't know.
Mine left over a year ago. I co-parent, so I need to have contact. I will say that I still have anger. However, I keep reminding myself of what my T said. She is who she is. We aren't together. I don't need to caretake, or feel responsible for her feelings anymore. Who am I now? To be perhaps a bit cynical, I keep thinking, "how can I make her smaller in my life, not only in reality, but emotionally?"
