An inch from N/C...

[DyingLove]

Last night, after posting something on FB, something that hurt me ultimately because it was a statement of love from the ex.

September 15, 2011 she posted "I'll love you until peaches grow on mango trees on the 31st of February♥"

I had comments on that post... .and one was from a friend/coworker of the ex.  She said that the person that made THAT statement did love me and she had to here it every day.  I pm'd her to dig my hole deeper, and she said that she knew for a fact that she still loves me... .in fact she told her the day before.  I nearly collapsed.


this has HAUNTED ME all night all morning and I'm an inch from texting her.  I want her so bad I just can't take it.  But I'm stopping here first.  I love her to death, and that's not changing.  Can a person actually take a chance here... .maybe it's what I'm destined to do, maybe it still could never work out... .I, like many, have no closure.

Help.

[Dunder]

Last night, after posting something on FB, something that hurt me ultimately because it was a statement of love from the ex.

September 15, 2011 she posted "I'll love you until peaches grow on mango trees on the 31st of February♥"

I had comments on that post... .and one was from a friend/coworker of the ex.  She said that the person that made THAT statement did love me and she had to here it every day.  I pm'd her to dig my hole deeper, and she said that she knew for a fact that she still loves me... .in fact she told her the day before.  I nearly collapsed.


this has HAUNTED ME all night all morning and I'm an inch from texting her.  I want her so bad I just can't take it.  But I'm stopping here first.  I love her to death, and that's not changing.  Can a person actually take a chance here... .maybe it's what I'm destined to do, maybe it still could never work out... .I, like many, have no closure.

Help.

Can you give yourself just a little time, like a day or two to process this more objectively and take the time to remember why you had separated from her, why you were maintaining no contact? If you're about to break NC, what's wrong with waiting a couple of days until you're head clears?

[DyingLove]

I really want to do just that... .not jump in.  I'm so devasted it's incredible... .I'm amazed I can write here.  My heart is just so broken over everything and now, it's like there was a final "beat".

Although she "loves" me, at least via a friend, If I were to contact her, would it just all turn to dirt and would she just shoot me down and say something like, so what or what do you want. I keep thinking lately, maybe she didn't have BPD, or WHAT IF she didn't have BPD and maybe she was just at the ends of her ropes.  But that theory goes to crap when I dig deeper in her life and what transpired between us.

Sitting her with no one to talk to... .and feeling guilty because I KNOW that I should be remaining N/C... .but also knowing that I love her to death (which may happen) and would take my last wish from God to help her mind as she slipped back into my life.  If it were to work out, she would have to come to me this time, at least initially to prove her intent.  I dropped it all and went to Fl. to be with her... .I deserve at least a weekend or so of her coming to NY.

[Mike-X]

Use the boards as your group... .people are on here to listen, help, and learn.

Sitting her with no one to talk to... .and feeling guilty because I KNOW that I should be remaining N/C

[Achaya]

I feel your pain, Dying Love, as I sit here with the same feelings. I'll share what I am trying to do with the pain and the questions. I believe my ex loved me and still does, (we are only one week out from the final breakup). There were certainly a lot of times when she acted like she didn't, and when I questioned her at those times, she admitted she wasn't in the relationship and was thinking about leaving me. She told me several times that she felt very bad at times about the push/pull, hot/cold, on/off way she related to me. I believe she tried to do better in her own way, but during the cold times she stopped caring and trying, and eventually she stopped coming back emotionally.  I could torture myself by telling myself that if she really loved me she would have tried a lot harder, but the she deals with most of her life problems in the same way she dealt with me, by walking away.

Like you, I get hung up on "does she love me, does she not?" and when I think she really loves me, I am swept up onto a cloud, I want to reach out to her and persuade her to recycle our relationship one more time. I focus (incorrectly) on the wonderful thought that if she loves me we will finally be able to love each other in the ways that I need. I have to remind myself at those times (now) that the promise of love feels like enough during the breakups, but later I will want more. I will want her to be more consistent, to love me today like she did yesterday, and will tomorrow. I have to be honest with myself and with her, that the way she treated me and would treat me again is not only abusive but is quite simply not good enough. I always wanted to bolster her self-esteem, to stand by her and uplift her, and it has been so hard for me to face the fact that, more than anything, she failed me as a partner. I think she knows that very well, and that is one of the reasons why she left me. It will be up to her now, to confront the question of whether to take herself on and work on her issues. Until she does, nothing about our relationship has actually changed, and another recycling will only damage it further.

If you do contact your ex, I would suggest you try to hang on to the question "What has really changed within her and between us that will create a better outcome if we try this again"? Best of luck, Dying Love, I am glad you are posting on this site. It has already helped me quite a bit.

[Suzn]

and one was from a friend/coworker of the ex.  She said that the person that made THAT statement did love me and she had to here it every day.  I pm'd her to dig my hole deeper, and she said that she knew for a fact that she still loves me... .in fact she told her the day before.  I nearly collapsed.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much DL. You are not alone, you are here among friends. Take a moment and look around you where you are sitting right now. Do you have everything you need at the present moment?

Are you:

hungry

angry

lonely

tired

H.A.L.T

What is your present need and what can you do to provide it for yourself?

Your friend may have good intentions, she has no knowledge of this disorder and the dynamics surrounding your r/s. Is it possible your ex could be confiding in her taking the "victim" stance as a way to sidestep responsibility of you taking a stand and leaving? Use caution DL this is triangulating.



The roles are Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer. We may start in one position, but as another (or others) shift around the triangle, so do we.

Your friend seems to be putting you and your ex in two of the roles. Do you see it?

Your ex is putting you in one of these roles. Do you see it?

You are also putting yourself in a role. See it?

As I recall... .she took the victim stance with her daughter too though that conversation likely went very different. She doesn't contact now... .this friend seems to have no problem with contact.

[DyingLove]

It's like the r/s really destroyed me.  Until I heard what the "friend" said I was just plugging along, baby steps, and thinking about her, but focusing on getting over it all.  So I was comparing my heart to being dead (I know it's not)

Then all of a sudden, I hear she still loves me... .and my heart all of a sudden beats.  Like life has sparked a beat, sparked an interest, sparked a chance.  I so so so want this to happen... .the other side of me says... .why even bother.   Well I went in for better or worse... .I'm dedicated like that.  The r/s nearly did me in... .but on the other hand, I went into this r/s not knowing or understanding about BPD.  So I jumped into a sinking boat with a papercup to bail water.  If I was to rekindle, if it were possible, it might be like going into a r/s KNOWING what it's all about and it might give me a chance to make it work with her because now I understand what I have to do.

I might also be blowing smoke up my own... .

I still feel like I just need someone to help me break thru the lonely times.  Someone that feels for me and understands me.  A distraction.  But not to take advantage of anyone either.  Maybe a couple bolts in my neck and some lightening will do the trick.

[DyingLove]

Suzn:

hungry- no just had left over walmart chicken

angry- on and off... .more confused than anything

lonely- BINGO big time... .trying to learn how to enjoy ME time.  It don't work most of the time, at least now

tired- yes, went to bed late after talking to a friend about her ex and my ex.  Got up around 10:30, still tired as heck and feel like if I didn't get out of bed, that I would not have been able to at this point

What is your present need and what can you do to provide it for yourself? Really need a female for companionship and closeness and warmth. Someone that could relate and listen too. I don't feel UP TO going out to mingle.  I feel more like curling up in a ball (if I could), with some magic MEMORY REMOVAL TONIC.

Your friend may have good intentions, she has no knowledge of this disorder and the dynamics surrounding your r/s. Is it possible your ex could be confiding in her taking the "victim" stance as a way to sidestep responsibility of you taking a stand and leaving? Use caution DL this is triangulating.

I believe this to possibly be so.  She was a coworker with my ex, younger woman, obviously with her own issues.  Is it normal nowadays that EVERYONE has multiple marriages, tons of kids and no inclination how to properly be in a relationship?  What the heck is wrong with people. The ex really never let anyone see her "alter" side.  These people just don't know.  AND THEY DON'T CARE.  I feel like I try to get closer to the ex by getting closer to whatever touched or touches her life.  But it's usually a losing method of trying to gain something that can't be gained.



The roles are Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer. We may start in one position, but as another (or others) shift around the triangle, so do we.

Your friend seems to be putting you and your ex in two of the roles. Do you see it?  Am I rescuer or persecutor? Is she victim?  Honestly I feel that I'm the victim.

You are also putting yourself in a role. See it?  Rescuer?

[DyingLove]

I feel your pain, Dying Love, as I sit here with the same feelings. I'll share what I am trying to do with the pain and the questions. I believe my ex loved me and still does, (we are only one week out from the final breakup). There were certainly a lot of times when she acted like she didn't, and when I questioned her at those times, she admitted she wasn't in the relationship and was thinking about leaving me. She told me several times that she felt very bad at times about the push/pull, hot/cold, on/off way she related to me. I believe she tried to do better in her own way, but during the cold times she stopped caring and trying, and eventually she stopped coming back emotionally.  I could torture myself by telling myself that if she really loved me she would have tried a lot harder, but the she deals with most of her life problems in the same way she dealt with me, by walking away.

Like you, I get hung up on "does she love me, does she not?" and when I think she really loves me, I am swept up onto a cloud, I want to reach out to her and persuade her to recycle our relationship one more time. I focus (incorrectly) on the wonderful thought that if she loves me we will finally be able to love each other in the ways that I need. I have to remind myself at those times (now) that the promise of love feels like enough during the breakups, but later I will want more. I will want her to be more consistent, to love me today like she did yesterday, and will tomorrow. I have to be honest with myself and with her, that the way she treated me and would treat me again is not only abusive but is quite simply not good enough. I always wanted to bolster her self-esteem, to stand by her and uplift her, and it has been so hard for me to face the fact that, more than anything, she failed me as a partner. I think she knows that very well, and that is one of the reasons why she left me. It will be up to her now, to confront the question of whether to take herself on and work on her issues. Until she does, nothing about our relationship has actually changed, and another recycling will only damage it further.

If you do contact your ex, I would suggest you try to hang on to the question "What has really changed within her and between us that will create a better outcome if we try this again"? Best of luck, Dying Love, I am glad you are posting on this site. It has already helped me quite a bit.

I keep asking myself (sometimes in the background of my mind) does she really have BPD or is it me or  what?

Then I get reminded by anyone and everyone that posts, how common the symptoms and reactions are that they do.  On the other hand, that is what BPD does to the "non" makes us feel like we are the crazy one... .we are the wrong one.

If I didn't have this site, I'd be in pretty sore shape.   Everything you wrote, pretty much hits home.  How the simple "I love you" gets your engines started and flies you right into a cloud.  You're up high high high until that little injection of reality finally takes effect.  Then you become shamed that you could even pursue this crap as far as you have.

My four years with this lovely lady has not only caused me to fall head over heels in love... .it's done so much more.  Her love hooks have sunk in and my skin is healing around them... .they will never get loose.  I was in a totally new land, Florida, I went there just to be with her, so the entire experience is owned by her and she administered lethal dosages of bonding and memory agent to me.  So anytime I see or think of Florida... .right you are... .guess who I think of? guess who is attached to that association?  Double whammy there that I've neglected to mention here on the board.

So I've got "piled up syndrome"  I'm sure most of you do also. Here is a partial list of my stressors and things that stockpiled into a massive mountain of grief. The list goes on. Lots of holes in it, and not necessarily in the correct order.  But I can feel the effects of all this on me right now.  Not one thing... .but MANY things.

-Exgf in NY "dumps" me after 17 years

-Go thru a massive depression and self inventory to become a better man

-Met the exBPD in Jan 2011 via FB (long distance relationship)

-Spent months chatting, texting, calling, skyping before finally meeting 10/22/11

-Three weeks of heaven in FL... .there were some "reddish flags" during the first vacation there... .but I didn't know what to look for.

-Got to meet her family, her Scu*bag exhusband #2 (9yo's bio dad)  (S T R E S S)

-Lost my business 2012

-Flew for the first time on a plane (scared sh*tless but did it for her) 2011

-Went to Florida first time (for her) 2011

-Spent tons of $$ visiting her and flying to FL. about 4 or 5 times before moving there.

-Bailed her out financially on numerous occasions even before physically meeting her.

-Taking care of her kid 5 then and 9yo now. (I'm not a step parent, just good father fig)

-Trying to start my business and losing all focus and drive because I was busy trying to nurture and heal our R/S that I didn't even understand was doomed to fail eventually.

-Going thru crap with her VERY dysfunctional family... .wow that's a book in itself

-Being devalued along the way and not even knowing it.

-Being blamed and verbally and emotionally battered here and there. (painful)

-Feeling guilt that it was all my fault at times.

There are so many more.  people tell me I'm strong (well a couple), but I guess the blessing is that I'm alive and was able to make it thru this stuff.

[Skip]

Please don't re-live this common mistake.  

Going back, wanting your partner to explain or rectify, and bypassing the tools and lessons on the Staying Board.  

If you do, you'll be back here saying "she did it again".

I have read this scenario over and over again over the year.  If you want to test the waters you need a very different game plan than the one that has already failed.  You need a different game plan than the one that has already failed you.

Since you're vulnerable to the possibility of going back, get some mileage on the Staying Board.  Those skill will help you with any relationship. Going over there is not a commitment to go back - just skills training. You can post here, too.

I'M NOT SUGGESTING YOU STAY AWAY OR GO BACK.  That is separate conversation.

[DyingLove]

Thanks Skip, headed there now.

[myself]

she posted "I'll love you until peaches grow on mango trees on the 31st of February♥"

It sounds like fantasy, not reality. Like something a little kid would say.

You sound pretty lost in FOG. Still heavily addicted, even though most of what you wrote about her and the relationship is negative.

Instead of clinging to the past, can you find something to reach for in the here and now that is a healthier option? It's your choice to make.

[DyingLove]

That was a good one Skip.  You knew exactly what you were doing and it worked.  To get a taste of where I came from before the B/U was VERY enlightening.  I think that you should recommend this to EVERYONE that has similar issues and even those that are just a little tempted to "escape prison".  The very first post I read, which I commented on also, was just enough to remind me of lots of things.  I'll keep my n/c at least for now.  Its almost like being drunk and you start off walking in the right direction, and we have good intentions but all of a sudden we loose our balance and start heading the wrong way. We need someone (you and this board) to keep us true and on track. It's not easy, and I'm sure I'll need hand holding again... .but I'm trying.  

Thanks again Skip.  

[DyingLove]

she posted "I'll love you until peaches grow on mango trees on the 31st of February♥"

It sounds like fantasy, not reality. Like something a little kid would say.

You sound pretty lost in FOG. Still heavily addicted, even though most of what you wrote about her and the relationship is negative.

Instead of clinging to the past, can you find something to reach for in the here and now that is a healthier option? It's your choice to make.

Does sound like fantasy doesn't it!  She was, I'm pretty sure, 41 in 2011.  Our relationship sorta kinda was like a fantasy... .as good as it gets and everything I could want in my life for the REST of my life.  We talked mushy and sexy and loving and sweet and even childishly at time.  It was a wonderful beginning to our love... .If it kept up like that, I'd be so enjoying my life in Florida right now.  Ya know, I wanted (still want) the kind of relationship that you can go to work in the morning, do your business and then come home to a loving wife/gf that can't wait to see you just the same.  Not a relationship that exhausts you because you spend most of your waking time trying to figure just what the heck is going wrong!  Or have to worry if your S.O. is out there cheating... .etx.  To the very best of my knowledge, while we were in the R/S she never cheated... .and neither did I.  I was head over heels in love and still am.

The only things I really want to reach for now, in the now and in my life, is getting back on my feet and building the business that got put on hold because of the ex.  I'd love to become sucessful (I will) and feel good about it.  She never thought I could do it, and her family backed all her limited thinking.  I was a business man for nearly 20 years... .I had it all and lost it all.  But NO ONE had faith in me nor stood up for me... .Do you realize how demeaning that is when you are trying to do your "all" for someone else?  Damn, Pain alert!

[Mike-X]

The only things I really want to reach for now, in the now and in my life, is getting back on my feet and building the business that got put on hold because of the ex.  I'd love to become sucessful (I will) and feel good about it. 

[DyingLove]

The only things I really want to reach for now, in the now and in my life, is getting back on my feet and building the business that got put on hold because of the ex.  I'd love to become sucessful (I will) and feel good about it. 

Thanks Mike-X   

[Suzn]

These are basic needs. The lack of attending to your basic needs can have an effect on your emotions. Have you ever been really hungry and get grumpy? Ever been so tired you can't think straight and get grumpy?

H.A.L.T. is a good way to do a quick self check when you feel emotional. Self care, attending to basic needs, can help us center ourselves. Some of these needs obviously take time however we can do things to self sooth in these instances to help ourselves through. One of which is spending time working through your emotions in your support group.

hungry- no just had left over walmart chicken

Good here.

angry- on and off... .more confused than anything

Vulnerability level... .moderate to high. Angry on and off is understandable given your recent b/u. It would be for anyone, an ex with BPD or not.

lonely- BINGO big time... .trying to learn how to enjoy ME time.  It don't work most of the time, at least now

Your words, big time... .vulnerability level... .high.

tired- yes, went to bed late after talking to a friend about her ex and my ex.  Got up around 10:30, still tired as heck and feel like if I didn't get out of bed, that I would not have been able to at this point

You call it, would a nap help?

Your friend seems to be putting you and your ex in two of the roles. Do you see it? 

Am I rescuer or persecutor? Is she victim?  Honestly I feel that I'm the victim.

You are the Prosecutor. Your ex is the victim, her friend is the rescuer here. She's trying to rescue her by telling you what she said.

You are also putting yourself in a role. See it? 

Rescuer?

Yep.