letting go were to begin i feel so alone

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi evreybody, im realy struggling to let go, im alone staying at my dads for now. I dont know what im doing or where to go from here. I try talkng to what few people i have and it seems there withdrawn from me, (only leading to more hurt and sadness) I try to be patient but i cant, this is to much so misunderstood im drowing here in my own sorrow. I dont want to hurt anymore i need this to go away NOW! I am trying so hard to be honest but her lies seem to be what they want to here. What did i do to deserve this? I love her so much and she only flees she runs and hides and surfices to see if im still alive so she can deliver another blow to my already shatterd soul. How could she do this to me? Idk how realy close was to me but she knows the whole me and to do this to me i dont think she has a soul.

Im sick of crying, im sick of hurting. I know she can take the pain away if she was here after all she was the one that made it all better in the first place. Knowing if we were together right now it will only end baddly. I couldnt love her the way she needed me too, for what its worth, i dont know what that means. Does anyone realy care or shood anyone care, this is my problem i guess not everyone elses. I try to look for work and my own place, but i just lock up like frozen in time. I used to get nervous being away from my town, i have stuff there still, boats and storage shed hell my life, but even that doesnt phase me now, if its gone its gone ive lost my care.     

,

[shatterd]

Hi evreybody, im realy struggling to let go, im alone staying at my dads for now. I dont know what im doing or where to go from here. I try talkng to what few people i have and it seems there withdrawn from me, (only leading to more hurt and sadness) I try to be patient but i cant, this is to much so misunderstood im drowing here in my own sorrow. I dont want to hurt anymore i need this to go away NOW! I am trying so hard to be honest but her lies seem to be what they want to here. What did i do to deserve this? I love her so much and she only flees she runs and hides and surfices to see if im still alive so she can deliver another blow to my already shatterd soul. How could she do this to me? Idk how realy close was to me but she knows the whole me and to do this to me i dont think she has a soul.

Im sick of crying, im sick of hurting. I know she can take the pain away if she was here after all she was the one that made it all better in the first place. Knowing if we were together right now it will only end baddly. I couldnt love her the way she needed me too, for what its worth, i dont know what that means. Does anyone realy care or shood anyone care, this is my problem i guess not everyone elses. I try to look for work and my own place, but i just lock up like frozen in time. I used to get nervous being away from my town, i have stuff there still, boats and storage shed hell my life, but even that doesnt phase me now, if its gone its gone ive lost my care.     

,

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Hi evreybody, im realy struggling to let go, im alone staying at my dads for now. I dont know what im doing or where to go from here. I try talkng to what few people i have and it seems there withdrawn from me, (only leading to more hurt and sadness) I try to be patient but i cant, this is to much so misunderstood im drowing here in my own sorrow. I dont want to hurt anymore i need this to go away NOW! I am trying so hard to be honest but her lies seem to be what they want to here. What did i do to deserve this? I love her so much and she only flees she runs and hides and surfices to see if im still alive so she can deliver another blow to my already shatterd soul. How could she do this to me? Idk how realy close was to me but she knows the whole me and to do this to me i dont think she has a soul.

Im sick of crying, im sick of hurting. I know she can take the pain away if she was here after all she was the one that made it all better in the first place. Knowing if we were together right now it will only end baddly. I couldnt love her the way she needed me too, for what its worth, i dont know what that means. Does anyone realy care or shood anyone care, this is my problem i guess not everyone elses. I try to look for work and my own place, but i just lock up like frozen in time. I used to get nervous being away from my town, i have stuff there still, boats and storage shed hell my life, but even that doesnt phase me now, if its gone its gone ive lost my care.     

,

You aren't alone dear friend. Your pain echoes so many. Don't beat yourself up, be gentle. You are enduring an enormous amount of emotion all at once. Keep posting, writing, and feeling. It isn't going away over night but as you start to see the situation from thr inside out, the cloud of pain seems to get lighter. Hang in there.

[DyingLove]

Hi evreybody, im realy struggling to let go, im alone staying at my dads for now. I dont know what im doing or where to go from here. I try talkng to what few people i have and it seems there withdrawn from me, (only leading to more hurt and sadness) I try to be patient but i cant, this is to much so misunderstood im drowing here in my own sorrow. I dont want to hurt anymore i need this to go away NOW! I am trying so hard to be honest but her lies seem to be what they want to here. What did i do to deserve this? I love her so much and she only flees she runs and hides and surfices to see if im still alive so she can deliver another blow to my already shatterd soul. How could she do this to me? Idk how realy close was to me but she knows the whole me and to do this to me i dont think she has a soul.

Im sick of crying, im sick of hurting. I know she can take the pain away if she was here after all she was the one that made it all better in the first place. Knowing if we were together right now it will only end baddly. I couldnt love her the way she needed me too, for what its worth, i dont know what that means. Does anyone realy care or shood anyone care, this is my problem i guess not everyone elses. I try to look for work and my own place, but i just lock up like frozen in time. I used to get nervous being away from my town, i have stuff there still, boats and storage shed hell my life, but even that doesnt phase me now, if its gone its gone ive lost my care.     

,

Sorry shatterd. This stuff does absolutely suck.  You've read and replied to my stuff.  I know how you feel... .you know how I feel.  It's good you got your dad.  Is he a good support for you?  Is he understanding and does he listen?  Don't feel entirely bad if he doesn't or if he is there one minute and not the next.  This is a lot of stuff for most people to handle.  I stay with my son, opposite your situation,  He listens, but he's tired of hearing it all too.  Others will smile, nod and say something nice and THEN walk away. But they really don't understand.  It's like trying to talk english to someone that only knows french.  But some people are genuinely concerned, and you can feel it.

There is no magic pill or solution.  I often find myself playing games in my head to myself... .to try and take the edge or hurt off of how I feel.  Pain in your heart is horrible, but most of it starts in our heads, so control your mind, and you win!  But that takes time as well. Our bodies get beat up and tired too.  Mine is very tired.  I'm tempted to go lay down and it's only 4pm here.  My eyes have black circles, I'm trying coconut oil on them.  I am definitely NOT going to let this win over me.  I'm going to win!  Going to get in shape, get sucessful in business, get healthy, and TRY TO WAIT for that PERFECT (or near perfect) woman to be placed in my path.  Used to be, when I was younger (way younger) I would meet lots of girls and if it didn't pan out... .so what... .NEXT!  But now, being older, I don't wanna play games or date or bar scene. I thought my ex was the final frontiere!  But I guess not and it hurts to have lost my best friend, lover, life.  It's lonely and it's miserable. I'm a pretty good guy, dad, trustworthy partner.  Obviously this didn't mean that much to her... .married twice to scum, dysfunctional family with regard only for themselves, two kids with their share of problems... .in fact enough problems to sink a battleship!  AND I WANT THIS BACK?  Why?  I'm lonely and that adds to the pain of being without her.  Of course all this stuff makes perfect sense in my mind and writing here to you... .but if she was at the door,  KNOCK KNOCK, I'd run and nearly break my neck to get to her and hug her and cry on her.  I'd just disintegrate.  Why?  Lonely and miss the woman that said she would be my "forever". She took it all away from me. EVERYTHING.

Does this kinda sound like you?  I bet it does.

[shatterd]

very much it does, however even in my darkest momments  i dont think i cood do it again   this has ben a reapeted thing i reely need to let her go for good this time

[DyingLove]

very much it does, however even in my darkest momments  i dont think i cood do it again   this has ben a reapeted thing i reely need to let her go for good this time

Then you gotta stick to your guns (as my mother would say)

It's painful going thru the process we are going thru right now. But it will eventually get better or be over (I don't know, I'm not there yet either).  But if we subject ourselves to going thru it again... .it's never over and we'll have to start from square one as many times as necessary.  Right now I'm going thru the same crisis... .I want her back, but then I don't... .and then I do... .It's a rollercoaster ride that doesn't stop.  I hate it!  It all takes time.   

[shatterd]

That is true man. Ive forgotton how to live basicly. No thoughts on how to meet new people or even look fora new job and a place. I just dont see the point of starting over. Maybe im affraid its always guna b the same all the time. Get things goin again and them wham back to rock bottom i go. I really feel theres no hope left for me  let alone another life for me. I pace alot smoke alot and drink gallons of coffee. I feel very withdrawn from some places even my own kids give me the creeps sometimes, they alaways got blamed for problems in our relationship and sometimes they did, i try realy hard not to angry at them for bs drama and there mother for doing the same. Some family and freinds beleive what she says happnd and that is very hard to deal with.

[Reforming]

Hi Shatterd

I'm sorry you're going through such a painful time.  

"Knowing if we were together right now it will only end baddly... ."

I know that this is hard realisation, but I think that this is a positive step.

"I couldnt love her the way she needed me too, for what its worth, i dont know what that means"

Unless they get treated someone suffering from BPD will struggle to give or accept love in a healthy way. Do you think that she is able to love you in the way that you need. Your needs are important too

I think when we're at a low point it's very to feel isolated from other people and believe that they don't really care about us even when they really do. A lot of the time they just don't know what to say or do, but that doesn't mean they don't care.

Being vulnerable is frightening, but it can help us connect with others. Are you seeing a T? It also really helps to get professional support. I found seeing a T allowed to process my grief in a healthier way.

As agent and dying have said detaching is a process and though it's not easy it's really important to try and be kind to yourself.

I'm sure you've probably already read the material on Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder but it's worth revisiting a few times. It really helped me to detach

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm#1

I know that things feel very dark right now, but please keep posting and reading. It will get better

Reforming

[shatterd]

I dont know if she is getting help now or not, idk how to feel about that  if she is thats good for her but now once again she has sombody else that might get to enjoy it,

she did at one point loved me the way i needed it  she stops love and runs   then comes back and evrything is wonderfull   this last time tho wow the anger and hurt was to much to overcome  the lies that cut me so deeply   this was diffrent from normal for her   shes so undecided we have 3 kids  and 8years

[Reforming]

I dont know if she is getting help now or not, idk how to feel about that  if she is thats good for her but now once again she has sombody else that might get to enjoy it,

she did at one point loved me the way i needed it  she stops love and runs   then comes back and evrything is wonderfull   this last time tho wow the anger and hurt was to much to overcome  the lies that cut me so deeply   this was diffrent from normal for her   shes so undecided we have 3 kids  and 8years

I'm very sorry shattered - 8 years is a long time and it must be very difficult to be away from your children. Even if she is getting help - and from what you've said that seems unlikely - there are no guarantees that her new relationship will survive. If she isn't the strong probability is that she will just repeat the cycle that you've experienced first hand with the same painful results

Trying to reconcile the things our exes say with what they actually can leave us feeling even more stuck and confused.

6) Clinging to the words that were said

We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimalize the negative actions.

“But she said she would love me forever”

Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship, but people suffering with BPD traits are dreamers, they can be fickle, and they over-express emotions like young children – often with little thought for long term implications.

You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are the truth.

"she did at one point loved me the way i needed it  she stops love and runs" "this last time tho wow the anger and hurt was to much to overcome  the lies that cut me so deeply   this was diffrent from normal for her  ".

This is very hard. I think over time a lot of us learn to ignore the pain and darkness and focus on the good moments hoping that our exes will change and the pain and confusion will magically disappear.

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

BPD mood swings and past break-up / make-up cycles may have you conditioned to think that, even after a bad period, that you can return idealization stage (that you cherish) and the “dream come true” (that your partner holds dear), this is not realistic thinking.

Idealization built on “dream come true” fairytale beliefs is not the hallmark of relationship maturity and stability - it is the hallmark of a very fragile, unstable relationship.

As natural relationship realities that develop over time clash with the dream, the relationship starts breaking down. Rather than growing and strengthening over time, the relationship erodes over time.

The most realistic representation of your relationship is not what you once had – it is what has been developing over time.

Have you considered seeing a therapist? A lot of members have found it a great help

Reforming

[shatterd]

im starting to see theropists yes, her actions have me baffled however  ur with me one day then the next another dude is there  WHAAAAT  it is what it is yes but i cant be real   

[Mutt]

Maybe im affraid its always guna b the same all the time. Get things goin again and them wham back to rock bottom i go.

Hi shattered,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sometimes friends and family members aren't sure how to help someone or what to say when they're in pain. It feels like you're isolated and alone and you feel like you hit rock bottom and want to stop this cycle.

Sometimes there's only one way to go but up.

You suffered a loss. It's OK to feel this way and what I sense is that you want to stop the emotional roller coaster with your ex.

It takes time.

You have a lot of articles on the website and what can be different this time is that you can learn and identify the maladaptive behaviors in your ex and others and change your emotional responses and detach.

Sometimes we need to have a rope thrown down and someone pull us up That's what we do here   You have a support network with people from all walks of life that have something similar. A r/s break-up with a person with a personality disorder and can empathize how difficult it is.

I pace alot smoke alot and drink gallons of coffee.

I did the same for the first few months. I have a balcony and in the first summer I was detaching I drank a lot of coffee and chain smoked. It was a traumatic event. You have a lot on your plate right now.

I suggest stay away from alcohol and drugs.

Some family and freinds beleive what she says happnd and that is very hard to deal with.

This is incredibly tough if you have family members and friends that are staying on the sidelines shatterd and you have other family members that believe her distortions. It's scary stuff. I can relate.

It shall pass. When a pwBPD ( some and not all ) and the fear of abandonment is triggered they experience a lot of stress and anxiety and I'm not saying that you're not feeling the same way now.

A pwBPD feel emotions two thousand fold compared to a non-disordered person and she feels a lot of shame and guilt and her way of coping ( maladaptive) is to project her negative feelings and you're likely getting accused of a lot of things in the r/s and fabrications?

There are two sides to a story. I went through a smear campaign too and was called emotionally, physically and financially abusive and lost all of our mutual friends, and her family.

Blood is thicker than water. Water finds it's own level.

Most of my friends over the 8 years with her were mutual and I didn't make a lot of my own friends, I was enmeshed with her.

That being said, the people that stuck by me are my true friends. The truth has a way of working it's way out. Don't justify, attack, defend or explain yourself and maintain radio silence and the sooner these stories will dissipate and it will.

I suggest lean on the boards here and vent and talk to a T or a P in real life. You have a safety net here. You can break this cycle and learn new tools so that you don't repeat the same cycle again.

You suffered loss, you're grieving.

[shatterd]

thank u so much for ur support, i am suffering a loss, and ya im not sure if she will recycle this time, maybe she realized it wood never work with us, im not inocent here i didnt kow how to handle this relationship with my exBPD  i relate to evrything that was on this post  ive appoligised b4 and ya wow opend the door to a slaughter. ive tryd to change my self for her needs and i couldnt give anymore. This horrifieng experiance may plague me forever. Some days im affraid to leave the house.

[Mutt]

She'll keep moving the yard stick shatterd. She feels emptiness and whatever you give isn't enough. She has to fix that herself and no one can fix her.

She may try to recycle the r/s and you can choose to not participate again with boundaries. You can put this behind you although things are raw right now.

What do you mean you fear leaving the house?

Are you scared of her stories that she said to family and friends or feeling down?