Just dying to send this Letter

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am almost at 50 days N/C. She got through my security zone last week and I have not responded... .BUT I soo badly want to Unleash on her... .

"What once was can never be." These are words you always repeated and I think you have finally convinced me. Since the day I met you I have dedicated myself to doing all I could to help you become a better person emotionally and spiritually. I played taxi driver, tutor for ur GED, etc. and your emotional tampon during your many meltdowns. Overall I am very satisfied that you have reached where you are now. Not because of me, it was all your own doing but I was always by ur side giving you much needed support and always assured you of ur abilities. You will likely never recognize anything I have done for you because you are a life long victim and if you honestly reflect on all ur relationships you are convinced they all wronged you somehow. Seems the people in your life, especially men are there for your needs and wants. Be it transportation, money, favors and of course sexual needs. I tried to be more than that to you by being supportive emotionally and comforting you by showing love, compassion, patience and support but you never seemed to be able to do same for me. I never complained and did it all to help you of my own free will. I am at a crossroads and now I have to dedicate myself to achieving my own goals and needs. Very clearly it's been without your support and even if you were around you are incapable of giving positive feedback and motivation. I see that with your own children. You dont provide any positive self esteem feedback to them, only devalue them and I hope that this is something you work on for their benefit.

The feelings I had for you have been shattered. I now know that while you may have said you loved me none of your core actions ever reflected it. Things like friendship, trust, dependability and respect were offered on occassion but it seemed to only be when you needed or wanted something. You are much more about control than anything else. My time with you was on your schedule, your time and your needs. My needs were usually met with anger, rage or dissapointment and when I did ask or put up boundaries your reaction was to punish me in some sort of way with various abusive ways such as silent treatments, asking me to stop car so you can be dropped off in the middle of the road, calling the cops and your ultimate weapon was to break up with me with rejection when you didnt get your way. This last time it seemed to piss you off that I wanting to spend more than one night a week with you and you put up all sorts of obsticles to show me you were in charge. Eventually I simply didnt say anything, avoided your conflicts and drama but I can not live that way. That is not even a friendship.

You have permanently burned my bridges with your mom, ur family and ur friends. This was done well before I lashed out in anger. Even while I lived with you and gave you my best I heard you with my own ears, always complaining about me. You dont seem to have anything positive to ever say to me directly or to other people so I am confused why you even want any interaction if I am such a terrible person? and so add one more reason why this situation is doomed. For whatever reason, it seems to destroy you to say anything positive about me regardless of all I did or done or how you feel. This relationship has been very one sided and it is time for me to not only stop wasting my time, but yours as well. There is No Real benefit to dating you other than sex, but always on your terms and time table. You have always admitted ur vajaja, The Gorda is greedy and I would agree. I am just another F#$k Toy to you, your Daddy Fantasy. I saw your profile on several personal sites I went onto (after I read many of the text exchanges you had on your phone during this last Christmas)

You constantly lie and the X boyfriends and men you accumulate grows larger everyday and you think I'm too stupid to know better. Even from the start of our relationship you could have put a stop to the X's contacting you but you didnt.  The only other thing we had going at the end was a Spiritual connection. You ruined that too by choosing to go out on a date, lie and use your sister about her friends death to get laid instead of our comittment to go to church. If you dont get your way under your terms, you play harsh, manipulative games and then drop me. That being said, it is Not what I am looking for. You went from being the most wonderful, most adored person in my life to just being 3 Holes?  I am wanting to have a "real relationship" committment with someone that is dependable, trustworthy and faithfull and as you yourself have stated and admitted to yourself you are "broken." You dont want any of what I want because you know you wont have the opportunity to have more than one penis and like your mom, you want to have Tom for Tuesdays, Larry on Fridays and the idiot that will take you grocery shopping. I wont live life like that.

I have become burnt out with this emotional roller-coster that has been on and off ( I Hate You go away, please I need now) and I realize it will never get better. You are basically a mini-me version of your mother. You will drift from man to man, likely chase off the good ones and expose your children to the same abuses and scenarios you experienced. I dont want to date your mother. I stayed around not so much because of the passion and sex, but because I truly believed that those things we did have in common were important and I genuinely loved you. However, the pattern is predictable. You start off Idolizing me believing I am the best thing since Velveeta and want to spend lots of quality time. Out of no where I may do or say the wrong thing and I become hammered whale poop and you devalue me, emotionally inflict emotional abuse and your little head games and push me away and then break up cause you cant stand that I am asking for my needs to be met or someone else got your attention. Then, weeks to months later, I become valuable to you again or if you need something and you reappear. I will Never be able to Trust you as far too many times I have caught you in one lie/deception after another. Even at the beginning when we were first dating and I was waking up early to pick you and kids up so you and them wouldnt have to walk in cold you were screwing other men for money putting me at risk and would have never said a word until once again you got busted. I wont live always wondering if while you are talking to me by phone if when you ask to call me back if it's really for ur mom or some guy, or if are you sexting some new guy again?

I already tried the committment route and that failed. I accepted being f@3k buddies, but thats is only your time line and needs and I know you dont have the empathy required to simply be a good friend. So you tell me... .what is itthat you think you can offer me? So I am asking, I am pleading, even begging that you please, please Not Ever contact me again for any reason, whether it is 3 weeks, 3 months from now or 3 years from now. I've asked this of you twice before and I dont know how you do it, but you pull me back into ur chaotic world and it is the same outcome each and every time. I dont want any problems and I can assure you will get none from me. I feel it is best we part permanently now and forever. If you havnt already, please follow the usuall procedure and tell your current or future lover(s) how cruel, mean and abusive I was.

H

[dagwoodbowser]

I am almost at 50 days N/C. She got through my security zone last week and I have not responded... .BUT I soo badly want to Unleash on her... .

"What once was can never be." These are words you always repeated and I think you have finally convinced me. Since the day I met you I have dedicated myself to doing all I could to help you become a better person emotionally and spiritually. I played taxi driver, tutor for ur GED, etc. and your emotional tampon during your many meltdowns. Overall I am very satisfied that you have reached where you are now. Not because of me, it was all your own doing but I was always by ur side giving you much needed support and always assured you of ur abilities. You will likely never recognize anything I have done for you because you are a life long victim and if you honestly reflect on all ur relationships you are convinced they all wronged you somehow. Seems the people in your life, especially men are there for your needs and wants. Be it transportation, money, favors and of course sexual needs. I tried to be more than that to you by being supportive emotionally and comforting you by showing love, compassion, patience and support but you never seemed to be able to do same for me. I never complained and did it all to help you of my own free will. I am at a crossroads and now I have to dedicate myself to achieving my own goals and needs. Very clearly it's been without your support and even if you were around you are incapable of giving positive feedback and motivation. I see that with your own children. You dont provide any positive self esteem feedback to them, only devalue them and I hope that this is something you work on for their benefit.

The feelings I had for you have been shattered. I now know that while you may have said you loved me none of your core actions ever reflected it. Things like friendship, trust, dependability and respect were offered on occassion but it seemed to only be when you needed or wanted something. You are much more about control than anything else. My time with you was on your schedule, your time and your needs. My needs were usually met with anger, rage or dissapointment and when I did ask or put up boundaries your reaction was to punish me in some sort of way with various abusive ways such as silent treatments, asking me to stop car so you can be dropped off in the middle of the road, calling the cops and your ultimate weapon was to break up with me with rejection when you didnt get your way. This last time it seemed to piss you off that I wanting to spend more than one night a week with you and you put up all sorts of obsticles to show me you were in charge. Eventually I simply didnt say anything, avoided your conflicts and drama but I can not live that way. That is not even a friendship.

You have permanently burned my bridges with your mom, ur family and ur friends. This was done well before I lashed out in anger. Even while I lived with you and gave you my best I heard you with my own ears, always complaining about me. You dont seem to have anything positive to ever say to me directly or to other people so I am confused why you even want any interaction if I am such a terrible person? and so add one more reason why this situation is doomed. For whatever reason, it seems to destroy you to say anything positive about me regardless of all I did or done or how you feel. This relationship has been very one sided and it is time for me to not only stop wasting my time, but yours as well. There is No Real benefit to dating you other than sex, but always on your terms and time table. You have always admitted ur vajaja, The Gorda is greedy and I would agree. I am just another F#$k Toy to you, your Daddy Fantasy. I saw your profile on several personal sites I went onto (after I read many of the text exchanges you had on your phone during this last Christmas)

You constantly lie and the X boyfriends and men you accumulate grows larger everyday and you think I'm too stupid to know better. Even from the start of our relationship you could have put a stop to the X's contacting you but you didnt.  The only other thing we had going at the end was a Spiritual connection. You ruined that too by choosing to go out on a date, lie and use your sister about her friends death to get laid instead of our comittment to go to church. If you dont get your way under your terms, you play harsh, manipulative games and then drop me. That being said, it is Not what I am looking for. You went from being the most wonderful, most adored person in my life to just being 3 Holes?  I am wanting to have a "real relationship" committment with someone that is dependable, trustworthy and faithfull and as you yourself have stated and admitted to yourself you are "broken." You dont want any of what I want because you know you wont have the opportunity to have more than one penis and like your mom, you want to have Tom for Tuesdays, Larry on Fridays and the idiot that will take you grocery shopping. I wont live life like that.

I have become burnt out with this emotional roller-coster that has been on and off ( I Hate You go away, please I need now) and I realize it will never get better. You are basically a mini-me version of your mother. You will drift from man to man, likely chase off the good ones and expose your children to the same abuses and scenarios you experienced. I dont want to date your mother. I stayed around not so much because of the passion and sex, but because I truly believed that those things we did have in common were important and I genuinely loved you. However, the pattern is predictable. You start off Idolizing me believing I am the best thing since Velveeta and want to spend lots of quality time. Out of no where I may do or say the wrong thing and I become hammered whale poop and you devalue me, emotionally inflict emotional abuse and your little head games and push me away and then break up cause you cant stand that I am asking for my needs to be met or someone else got your attention. Then, weeks to months later, I become valuable to you again or if you need something and you reappear. I will Never be able to Trust you as far too many times I have caught you in one lie/deception after another. Even at the beginning when we were first dating and I was waking up early to pick you and kids up so you and them wouldnt have to walk in cold you were screwing other men for money putting me at risk and would have never said a word until once again you got busted. I wont live always wondering if while you are talking to me by phone if when you ask to call me back if it's really for ur mom or some guy, or if are you sexting some new guy again?

I already tried the committment route and that failed. I accepted being f@3k buddies, but thats is only your time line and needs and I know you dont have the empathy required to simply be a good friend. So you tell me... .what is itthat you think you can offer me? So I am asking, I am pleading, even begging that you please, please Not Ever contact me again for any reason, whether it is 3 weeks, 3 months from now or 3 years from now. I've asked this of you twice before and I dont know how you do it, but you pull me back into ur chaotic world and it is the same outcome each and every time. I dont want any problems and I can assure you will get none from me. I feel it is best we part permanently now and forever. If you havnt already, please follow the usuall procedure and tell your current or future lover(s) how cruel, mean and abusive I was.

H

[shatterd]

im debateing on sending a letter also, im affraid this would open the door to a fearse attack, why shood i share my inside with her? anymore,  just to crush it again and again and again  i hold on to hope too or maybe were just healing   i like what ur doing here its helping us

[dagwoodbowser]

Thanx shatterd. Not sure if you've done a recycle or not. In my case they are mini aftershocks of the first Big Quake when you first meet a BPD. However, the each time you get dumped the intensity of pain is amplified. I've read here numerous times. If you leave it up to the BPD, they will take you on Recycles from here to eternity. It's up to the Non to Stop It.

[shatterd]

for sure she recycles off and on 8 years 3 kids, my stupid ass lets it happen, how cood i not  its my family u know, and she was the one who got me passed my first wife of ten years she too decided to go crazy and leave boy did she find out the hard way about her childish acts  the guy she married almost killed her twice   now shes the real life cat lady, anyways thats y i dont think sending the lettr or even contact at this point wood be healthy for me, she has a duesh bag again, after a week, and i cant do this anymore

[shatterd]

and my pain of this split up isnt as bad as the last couple

[zundertowz]

I often think about sending a letter to get my feelings out, but the end of the relationship was so bad that I really doubt it would do anything besides her picking out the negative parts and sending a nasty reply in return. Ive come to terms no matter all the good I did was not taken into account and a nasty letter would probably just make her think im still hung up on her.  The really only proper way to move foward is no contact and work on yourself... .your not gonna acomplish anything positive by hoping these women are gonna come to there senses and show some compassion... .theres a chance they may try and contact us in the future but it will be purely for there own self gradification.  Id rather write my feling down in a letter than burn it!

[shatterd]

well with me i have to contact her again sometime about the kids, im affraid tho i was always a good dad and after all im her everything ya right its guna be tuff, weve ben here b4 and the kids are a gateway did this twice with kid thing already

[zundertowz]

well with me i have to contact her again sometime about the kids, im affraid tho i was always a good dad and after all im her everything ya right its guna be tuff, weve ben here b4 and the kids are a gateway did this twice with kid thing already

Thats a tough situation with the kids... .my ex had a kid with an ex and he was black to her, talked so much crap about him.  the co parenting was a constant fight and she sudely talked crap about her ex to her kids... .i feel for ya.  Still doesnt change the facts that the reality of her life will not likly sink in and a letter like that will probably do more harm then good in my opinion.  Your gunna have to de a diplomate in order to raise those kids in a semi normal fashion.

[dagwoodbowser]

Ive come to terms no matter all the good I did was not taken into account and a nasty letter would probably just make her think im still hung up on her.

zundertowz: Yeah... .ur probably right. The last thing I want to do is give her any hint that I want or need anything from her. But this is the crazy part. I know I am saying this right now. A few hours from now I may be missing her? I've read that the worst thing you can do to a BPD is Ignore them. I dont know, maybe it triggers abandonment. Today has just been one of those days. Not sadness, sorrow or bumming out... .just anger... .good old fashioned rage.

[shatterd]

ya my 6 yr old has a rare form of adhd the autistick type   its only torture on him   structure and stability is key   she to dam selfish to get it   i feel so bad for him there all daddys boys and its hell on her wen they want me    soon enuff she has to pay the piper on this kid thing   and thats why i think shes trying to banish me from them   well good luck hunny   this daddy never dies

[shatterd]

dagwood ur right   if u ighnore its definatly a death filld triger  my exp. anyways    imposable to have a job or even sometimes leave the house    funny story here 2weeks ago we split  nc was court orderd its wtever   so she puts an add ona dateing sight  her head line    I WONT BE IGHNORED   idk maybe its just me butt who the hell would reply to that                ya it hurt me but still ur somebody elses problem now

[shatterd]

thts why im so convinced that shes guna recyle again nobody real is guna take that man      however this b/u was the most extreem  this duesh now is just the fall guy cuz she needs money anda place   shes still shopping around  is he that stupid to trusta woman in that sittuation   her addd also said  wood like to get married lmao   does she think a ring on her finger is guna make this any better    a ring does not have supper powers my love   your guna be the same ring or not grrrrrrr so frustrated at the mentality of her right now

[zundertowz]

Dagwood im right there with you!  As sick as it is I still miss parts of her... .its sick!  But you seem to be in a similiar frame of mind as I am and I would never go back to her if she was the last women on the planet... .I was ill when I was with her.  I have my ups and downs and most likely have PTSD but thing get slowly better and the feelings lessen.  Try and keep busy and try and keep the compulsive thoughts under control... .im only on day 30 of nocontact and thank god I never reproduced with her and went through with the marriage.  Stay busy, find hobbies, and get a good T.  Half the battle is already won if you realize that you deserve better and dont want to spend the rest of your life like that... .shes never getting better... .its a joke people believing they will.  athe last thing you wanna do is put thoughts in her head you still care about her.

[shatterd]

ouch but ur right about giveing them the weapon of hope. but idk theres alot of people think they can get better. im still confused on it if they can or cant. and to what degree

[zundertowz]

maybe they may improve with age... .its a debate im not sure of... .but you sure wont be living a normal healthy life one way or the other... .that I am positive of.

[zundertowz]

 

[Restored2]

Hi dagwoodbowser.  I can totally understand your anger and frustration with your ex from all that she has put you through.  Mine did a real number on me too. 

Writing out emotions can be very therapeutic towards healing and recovery.  However, to send out such an emotional response in a letter to your ex could be quite counter productive with backfiring on you.  Your response that you wrote seems to be more reactive on a negative charge than anything.  You actually come across extremely derogatory with some of the words and terminology that you selected to write in your letter. 

Regardless of how someone has mistreated us, taking the higher road is always the best route to take.  I would encourage you to not send this letter, but ultimately it is your choice.

[dagwoodbowser]

You actually come across extremely derogatory with some of the words and terminology that you selected to write in your letter. 

Restored2: Yeah I know... .I think overall that was my intent, pure and raw vitriol. For weeks on end I've been moping, depressed and I have no idea why... .today I'm in a fit of rage. So, I've spewed out most of it via keyboard. This is the longest I've stayed in N/C, 45 days. Do I want to send it out? Yeah... .but I likely wont. Maybe I'm just looking for that reason to break contact... .no idea. Thank you for your insight.

[Restored2]

dagwoodbowser: You're welcome.

I understand.  It can feel like a nauseating roller coaster ride of emotions.  You are grieving the loss of a close romantic relationship, so please be patient with yourself in the process. 

I encourage you to use your Biblical scripture from "the love chapter" of I Corinthians 13 that you have noted at the bottom of your posts as a guide to keep you on track with how you respond to your ex.

[dagwoodbowser]

I encourage you to use your Biblical scripture from "the love chapter" of I Corinthians 13 that you have noted at the bottom of your posts as a guide to keep you on track with how you respond to your ex.

Yes, you're right. I guess at the end of the day she's is not well. Am I well? Right now I'm not. Does she possibly have an excuse for her behavior? I dont know. If I were to throw this her way I guess it pretty well goes against against what I've always tried to represent myself to her as. It still doesnt take away the harm she's done, be intentional or temporary insanity/BPD or whatever. I'll just keep licking my wounds for now.

[zundertowz]

You actually come across extremely derogatory with some of the words and terminology that you selected to write in your letter.  

Restored2: Yeah I know... .I think overall that was my intent, pure and raw vitriol. For weeks on end I've been moping, depressed and I have no idea why... .today I'm in a fit of rage. So, I've spewed out most of it via keyboard. This is the longest I've stayed in N/C, 45 days. Do I want to send it out? Yeah... .but I likely wont. Maybe I'm just looking for that reason to break contact... .no idea. Thank you for your insight.

I go through those days of anger... .I try and remeber that your not gonna get what your looking for in a response... .if I thought I would get some closure by sending a letter I would... .most likely youll just get a response that will make you feel worse and you will give your ex the satisfaction that your still stuck on her... .ive trained my brain that everytime I wanna reach out I remember all the abuse and realize im just asking for more of it.  easier said than done I know!

[Turkish]

Harsh letter. Lots of anger. Over a year out and I still have enough anger to appreciate a lot of it.

There are a lot of things I'd still like to say to my Ex. I had an opportunity to say a few things a week after she got back from holiday with my replacement, and one of my moles told me they got engaged. She abandoned our little kids for almost two weeks to go on what turned out to be a honeymoon. I brought up stuff a year old, then in a way ridiculed her boy toy soon to be step father to our children. Her reaction? A little bit of JADE (which I shut down), but mostly simmering anger.

I wasn't ashamed I did it, but I wasn't proud either. It changed nothing, and truthfully, putting myself in her disordered shoes, I might react as she did. As justified as I was, perhaps, it wasn't productive. What I have done over the past year is have imaginary conversations with her in my head. It helped release my anger. I had one yesterday and then thought, "meh, this is a waste of my mental energy... .squirrel!" Members here have written letters similar to yours and then burned them as catharsis.

Writing a letter helps in the detachment. Sending it continues attachment to a person who may have hurt us to our cores, and invites further pain. Send it to yourself. Send it to a trusted friend. Print it out and burn (safely   it if it helps.

[dagwoodbowser]

Harsh letter. Lots of anger. Over a year out and I still have enough anger to appreciate a lot of it.

There are a lot of things I'd still like to say to my Ex. I had an opportunity to say a few things a week after she got back from holiday with my replacement, and one of my moles told me they got engaged. She abandoned our little kids for almost two weeks to go on what turned out to be a honeymoon. I brought up stuff a year old, then in a way ridiculed her boy toy soon to be step father to our children. Her reaction? A little bit of JADE (which I shut down), but mostly simmering anger.

I wasn't ashamed I did it, but I wasn't proud either. It changed nothing, and truthfully, putting myself in her disordered shoes, I might react as she did. As justified as I was, perhaps, it wasn't productive. What I have done over the past year is have imaginary conversations with her in my head. It helped release my anger. I had one yesterday and then thought, "meh, this is a waste of my mental energy... .squirrel!" Members here have written letters similar to yours and then burned them as catharsis.

Writing a letter helps in the detachment. Sending it continues attachment to a person who may have hurt us to our cores, and invites further pain. Send it to yourself. Send it to a trusted friend. Print it out and burn (safely  Devilish it if it helps.

Thank you Turkish... .good insight. I couldnt send it to my friends or a family member as they tried to warn me early on knowing a few things about this woman and all I would get is an "I told you so." So, this is my therapy, my vent.

Btw... .great article you posted on Selfies and BPD's on Member's Lounge!

[Restored2]

dogwoodbowser: You said it; "at the end of the day she is not well".  You may not be well "right now" as you said about yourself, but you have the power to choose which direction you want to go in towards healing. 

Taking the higher road "doesn't take away the harm that she has done" to you, but it will allow yourself the dignity and healthy pride to be able to hold your head high in knowing that you responded the right way, despite her mistreatment/abuse against you.  Don't empower her to set the pace for the dance here. 

This site is a great place to lick your wounds amongst others who can relate and provide you with support.

zundertowz: I think we all can go through "those days of anger" too.  You're right about it being "easier said than done".  Emotions can make it all so confusing and messy to process and walk through.  We need to give ourselves credit where it is due though, as I believe most of us are doing the best that we can with the cards that we were dealt.  No one is really given a fully written script that enables them to respond textbook perfect.