Does anyone "surprise" their BPDspouse with divorce?

[wishfulthinking]

Just wondering. Everything I'm reading shows that people are having an event that triggered the separation that led to divorce, like cheating, or something.  I've been working on the papers of my divorce for a couple months now, fine tuning them and getting the money ready to file.  They are finally ready and I am having the lawyer file and exclusive occupancy order to have BPDh vacate my house (I've owned for 13 years, been with H 2 years).  Since my BPDh has a tendency to get a bit violent, I'm "playing the game" and he has no idea I'm filing.  It will be a complete surprise, especially considering I'm pretty sure he thinks I'll put up with crap forever because he is "changing so much" and "working on himself". 

I just wondered if anyone out there is in my situation on this and how things went.

[ForeverDad]

I presume no children from the relationship?  Good.  Don't leave birth control up to him, he could try to sabotage you that way.

Do you have documentation of his poor behaviors?  It might help in case he makes false allegations (official passive term is 'unsubstantiated' in an attempt to make you look worse than him.

Many disordered people are very perceptive for the things that concern them - as manipulators and controllers - so don't be surprised if he senses a change in you.  If that happens, have a strategy to deal with that.

Once he learns of this, be very careful not to be alone with him - ever - in a private or isolated setting, too easy for him to be retaliatory, abusive or frame you for doing something wrong.

You will have to 'gift' yourself closure, you won't get it from a pwBPD.  Don't expect to have a continuing relationship, "let's just be friends" won't work.  It will be best to Let Go and Move On.

Because I knew my spouse was making threats and contemplating allegations to block my parenting, I recorded myself (her rants and rages could be heard too) so I could have 'insurance' proving I wasn't the one acting poorly.

[wishfulthinking]

We do not have mutual children.  I am fixed... .thank goodness... .

I don't have official documents.  I have his ex who will back me if needed and a few witnesses like neighbors who heard the fights, etc.  My posting on here probably won't be enough.

He doesn't think I'll actually file for divorce.  He senses a change but chalks it up to me "going through a phase" and says he'll be here through it all because he loves me so much.

He just complains ALL THE TIME. It never stops. Every time I think twice, he is sure to remind me why I'm filing.

I know I won't have closure and I know he'll go around talking bad about me and I have to accept that.  I'll be ok.  I just wish the courts would hurry.  Every day is harder and harder to take the negative.

[maxen]

things had slowed way down in my marriage but i had no idea my exwife was thinking of bolting and it came as a complete surprise when she announced that there was somebody else, goodbye, and walked out, all in one hour. it brought me to the brink of suicide, registered physical reactions that i can't even describe, and almost two years after the event i've only begun to factor it. and i'm not the one with the BPD.

[livednlearned]

Hi wishfulthinking,

Courts do take a long time to get things done. 

I left in a bang, but I did not stay in the marital home. That made it somewhat easier to leave, I think. I was worried for my physical safety when I left so put a lot of thought into an exit plan. You might want to think about having law enforcement do what is sometimes called a domestic assistance call -- they call it different things in different places. Basically they come to the house to make sure everyone plays nice. I had been planning to leave for a year and was about to make the move, but then N/BPDx dysregulated a week before and it was clear the weekend was going to be a doozie. So I picked my son up from school and we moved out, just like that. However, I had to get into the house to collect things for S13, so the police escorted me while N/BPDx was at work. They were there to make sure I was ok in case N/BPDx came home.

I'm glad I had everything planned in advance so that we had a relatively soft landing.

Good luck to you -- it's not easy ending these relationships. Stay strong, and be safe. 

LnL

[wishfulthinking]

Thank you for the responses.

I do not like having to do things this way.  I know blindsiding him is a horrible thing to do, but I fear my safety and that of my daughter.  Mostly mine.  I remember what happened to me when I told him I would just leave for the night before and it wasn't good.  I can imagine him actually being served papers and being able to stay in MY home.  I'd have left already if I didn't own the house.

[catnap]

My son did something similar to what you are planning and it went off without too much drama.

While she was at work--we came and helped pack up her belongings and placed them in a storage facility. 

Had the locks changed on the apartment (lease was in his name only).

She was served custody papers (no marriage, but they had an infant daughter) at work and given the key to the storage facility.

Using a private process server is very helpful as you can call the shots on the location and time of service and they might be willing to hand over enough of his personal clothing and toiletry items for a week or two. 

Blindsiding. . .do not feel bad. . .you are trying to handle a potentially volatile situation for safety reasons. 

Ask your L about getting civil standby for your husband to pick up other items/rest of his property like livednlearned mentioned.