How to react when they're acting "normal"

[oceaneyes]

I almost feel silly for feeling this way, when so many people here seem to have much worse communication problems with their loved ones wBPD but the hardest part of my relationship with my uBPDmom (besides dealing with the rages) is how to react to her when she's acting completely normal. She goes through such radical mood shifts, my brain can't keep up—am I a terrible daughter or a perfect daughter? It shifts almost daily.

Just a few weeks ago she left me a very nasty voicemail calling me a b****, among other things, and the past couple days she's been trying to reach out, acting like nothing happened. I used to be able to act like everything was fine, like it didn't affect me but now that I've started seeing a therapist and really come to terms with her illness and how it affected my childhood and how it still affects me now, I'm having a hard time talking to her at all. I still feel so hurt and the emotional wounds are still so fresh. I don't feel ready to be participating in small talk with her. Thus far, I have been responding as limitedly as I can without actively avoiding her, not to punish her but to protect myself. So much of what I say to her is analyzed and picked apart and twisted. I feel safer responding with the least amount of words possible—less chance of triggering her.

I feel sorry for her and the inner turmoil she must face everyday, but more and more I'm feeling like there is nothing of substance left to our relationship. I only participate out of an overwhelming sense of obligation and that feels so disingenuous. Our entire relationship is all about her and her feelings, there is nothing positive about it at all. I've never consciously gone no contact with her, but there have been very long spans (3-6 months) where I didn't actively contact her but also didn't tell her I was going no contact. It was usually a knee-jerk reaction to a fit of rage from her. I'm such a happier person when I don't think or worry about her, but I feel so selfish for even admitting that.

I guess I'm just wondering how you separate the illness from the person, how you learn to forgive but not forget, or just to hear that I'm not alone so I don't feel like the scum of the earth. Thanks for reading.

[AmyAlways]

Hang in there. There are plenty of us going through similar situations, so you're definitely not alone. Talk to your therapist about setting healthy boundaries, and find activities that you enjoy. Keep yourself busy. You deserve to be happy.

[Sasha026]

Oceaneyes,

You are not scum - my God, no. You are exhausted, frustrated and just want some peace of mind. You want normalcy, laughter and some good news. There is nothing wrong with that. I don't know how long you've been dealing with this but even a month of this behavior is just too much. Daughters of BPD mothers have the patience of saints. We put up with what I call staccato emotional lability. Up, down, up, down. My mother, too, had instantaneous mood changes. I sometimes thought she might be MPD (multiple personality). The only thing was that she never had different names for her "personalities", and I didn't actually know what I was dealing with back then.  

My mother is dead now. She's been dead since 2/20/12... .but her craziness has survived in my nervous system. I still duck when I hear someone's voice that sounds like hers. I cannot stand to hear someone yell. In other words, my nerves are shot. No one can manipulate me. I just walk away. Dealing with a borderline can have long lasting effects on you physically. Yes, you feel bad for her. You try to empathize what it's like to be her and you're heart goes out to her, but on the other hand, it's emotionally draining.

I, too, used to take breaks from my mother. Every holiday, she would lose it. She lost it at my wedding, the birth of my son, my son's briss (her grandson was being abducted by the Rabbi's),  , forget my wedding shower - it was a disaster! Ever sit with all of your friends looking sad for you and chewing their cake? Every Christmas or Easter she was invited to our home and every Christmas and Easter she lost it. Then after two weeks, she would call. She would never apologize, just act as though she was on some sort of vacation. Our lives were miserable. My mother even lost it at my husband's funeral. She just couldn't keep it together. I never forgave her for that.

So, no. You are not a bad daughter. You're just accepting and letting go. It's a survival technique. Sometimes you just have to walk away for your own sanity. It's either that or you develop PTSD and panic attacks like me. Walk away and don't feel bad. I finally did when I almost died from a burst colon. When I told her, she just told me I was feeling sorry for myself. Something in my head shut off. It just clicked. I was 59 years old and I had finally had it. I never saw her again... .and I felt better. I also didn't go to her funeral and could care less what people thought. I just stopped caring... .there was nothing left. I was done.

So if you're scum, how bad am I? No, we're just tired and seek normalcy. There's nothing wrong with that.

Sasha

[oceaneyes]

Thanks for sharing a bit of your story Sasha026, a lot of it sounds familiar to me.

I've only been dealing with her rage for the past 3-4 years, which was when I moved about 4 hours away from her. I'm pretty sure that's what put a target on my head.

I commend you for always doing holidays with your mom. I had been alternating holidays between visiting her or visiting my in-laws (who are amazing). I invited my mother to stay with me this past Easter which was very tense and ended with her pulling my hair. I immediately started seeing a therapist. I'm considering not visiting for holidays anymore. I love Christmas and Thanksgiving, but it becomes a roller coaster when I know it's "her year" for us to visit. Two years ago, about a week before Christmas, she sent a slew of text messages telling me how I shouldn't bother coming and that she would reimburse me for the hotel I had booked (I can't actually stay with her) because she knew I didn't want to come. I ignored her and it escalated into nasty voicemails. Honestly at that point I really didn't want to go. I went anyways, my DH and I tried to keep her occupied by taking her out for meals and shopping, but she complained the entire time. It's never enough.

Even though I didn't know at the time that she had a mental illness, I knew her personality well enough to not let her get involved in my wedding at all. She moped and complained about that too, that I didn't let her get involved enough. She never raged about it, but she did her best to make me feel really bad about it. My husband and I paid for it all ourselves, just to avoid being guilted by her. She never raged at me when I was younger but she did constantly criticize me, so why would I share any of my wedding plans with her? It all makes sense now. I've been slowly subconsciously pulling away for years, I just didn't know why.

I love what you said about seeking normalcy, I've said this to my DH so many times. My stepfather was an alcoholic and was physically and emotionally abusive towards me for most of my life. My mother never protected me, never stood up for me. I spent all of high school working towards getting out and getting away from that abuse. The irony is that I escaped one abuser, only to now have my mother become my abuser. I try so hard to be extra normal and boring, my life is very "vanilla." I have a great husband, a modest, but beautiful-to-me house, a job I love, and a bunch of furr-children. I can't see myself having kids, I worry I'd make them my do-overs and, as someone's do-over, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I've worked really hard to stabilize my life and work on those few troublesome behaviors I learned from my mom. I just wish she'd get some help for herself, or that I could find the confidence to just move on, like you did. I keep thinking maybe I'll say the right combinations of words and a light bulb will go off in her head, but I know that's highly unlikely. I feel like I'm just tapped out and ready to move on or to at least stay at an arms-length.

Thanks again for sharing, it's so comforting to know I'm not alone and sorry for ranting! It's particularly hard with Mother's Day around the corner... . 

[Naughty Nibbler]

OCEANEYES:

During my sister's rage a few weeks ago, she called me a F****** B****, and then proceeded to yell  at me about everything she hated about me.  She just can't calmly discuss what her real issue is and has to try to hurt me.  That threw a switch for me.  It had happened too many times and I just couldn't take it any more.  

Know that others have to cut off contact with their BPD relatives.  I also struggle with trying to forgive and forget. Sometimes I wonder if my sister would apologize after one of her rages, if I would feel better.  The strange thing is, she seems to think I owe her an apology (go figure).  I'm still trying to accept the fact that my sister can't help herself.

Don't feel guilty.  Enjoy your wonderful husband, job, home and fur children.

[Sasha026]

Hi Oceaneyes,

The four hour move away from mom... .that was me. She was in Penn and I was in NY and every so often, I was doing the turnpike shuffle because she would be taken into the hospital for some reason or another. Nothing says frustration when you have to quickly throw your clothes into a bag, jump into the car with no makeup, greasy hair and exercise pants and run down to the Pa hospital on a moments notice. I always looked like a homeless bum, only to find out that all she had was a cold.

Everything was a big deal. Nothing was dealt with in a rational manor. Not only that, but she always alienated the poor nurses that had to take care of her. Naturally, they all gave me dirty looks. Most of the time I left my son home, but when he was on break, he came with me. I also had to take my two birds and dog. It was fun.

The only reason she was at my house was because she had no one else. She was the baby of her family and everyone had died. She tried to keep in contact with her sister's children (who were her age), but she ended up alienating them as well. No rest for the weary. So, mom always ended up with us. She would buy us Christmas presents then complain that she couldn't pay for them... .especially if she didn't get as much as she gave. Sometimes she couldn't come because my husband and son would get the flu. I think it was strange that they always came down with the flu around Christmas.

The way I found out about BPD was one time my husband was doing a computer job for a therapist that he knew. So, as he worked, I started looking through her DSM and my eyes lit up - I found the diagnostic criteria for BPD. It was so plain and she exhibited almost all of the symptoms. That's when I was on a quest to find out more about BPD. Before that, I was pulling my hair out trying to figure out what her deal was. She was impossible.

I love your reference to your fur-children. I, too, have fur-children - two brothers... .plus two feather-children and a series of fin children. All want and need my attention. I also have a son who I adore. I'm so glad I had him. It was the best decision of my life. Don't think you will mother your children like you were mothered. You, like me, will be exactly the opposite. The only problem is that she will become the dominant voice  in raising the child. That can be a problem... .you have to hold strong and have a strong bond with your husband to keep her at bay.

So, as you can see. I think everyone is in the same boat. Naughty Nibbler has a BPD sister who just "threw her switch". You try and try and all they do is drag you down into the BPD abyss. The best thing is to keep a distance from them. It's the only thing that works. Then, try to enjoy your life.

[Harri]

Hi oceaneyes.   You are not selfish, scum of the earth or silly.     What you wrote is perfectly normal given the relationship with your mother.  I would even say what you are feeling is healthy.

I guess I'm just wondering how you separate the illness from the person, how you learn to forgive but not forget... .

I think the second part of your question is directly tied to the first.  The fact is, you *can't* separate the illness from the person.  As a personality disorder, it is present in every aspect of that person.  Granted, some areas are more affected than others, but the illness is always there.  Acceptance of that is, I think, critical for healing from the damage of being raised by a pwBPD.  I don't know a tactful way of saying this so I am just going to say it--->  remaining in contact to any degree with a pwBPD, especially one who is not in treatment and has been disordered for decades, requires lowering expectations and accepting that the relationship will be limited. 

I still have a lot of work to do on forgiveness in relation to my FOO (and for myself) but what did help when my parents were still alive was to accept that they were who they were.  Normal conversations with them, a relationship with them where my needs were met and was healthy was not in the cards for me.   Realistic/lowered expectations and focusing on what was rather than what I wished was all helped in terms of my healing and being able to detach.

All of this stuff with BPDs hurts and is exhausting.  Take time for yourself.  You've opened up a lot of hurts by going to therapy and that requires that you give yourself the time and space you need to keep working on things.  Keep things short and simple like you have been doing and use each interaction as a opportunity to learn how to set limits and speak up in ways that are good for you.  If it would feel better and more honest tell her you need some space and you will call her when you are ready.  Will it trigger her?  Probably.  Do it anyway.     (Obviously, talk with your T first).  Whatever you choose, keep posting here.  We get it and chances are, more than a few of us have felt the very same way at one time or another (or many times).

Be good to you.

[oceaneyes]

Thanks for responding Harri,

That's all really good feedback, and it's so good to hear. My mother is being treated for bipolar and depression, I don't think she's aware she has BPD and she quit seeing her T because she said she didn't like the suggestions she was giving her... .

I spent a lot of time mourning and realizing that I will never have the mother I want or need. At the same time, I also feel like I'm ready to surround myself with supportive people which my mother always made me feel guilty for doing (like I was replacing her). I brought all this up to my T this week and we discussed the guilt and need for self-love and all that. It was a painful session but helped give me some good perspective. After decades of having my feelings take a backseat to hers, it is hard to refocus my energy on me, but I'm working on it!

I definitely can relate to what you said about working on forgiveness, I have a lot of resentment to work on too. I do feel grateful that my mother was able to mostly function and keep my basic needs met when I was a child, but I also feel resentful for basically being emotionally stunted as an adult because of her illness.

We discussed the dreaded Mother's Day in my last session too, I decided I will send a nondescript card this year. My T explained that I had two choices, send a card and deal with feeling disingenuous to myself, or not send a card and deal with her rage. I haven't learned all the communication techniques yet so she recommended just sending a card to stave off an episode, which I agree with. It's easier to deal with the "yucky" feeling than have to deal with being yelled at.

I like your suggestion of telling her I need space, but I don't think I'm ready yet. I'm only a few weeks off her last rage and I have a lot of emotional wounds that have been opened up in therapy and at this point I'm just trying to keep the peace. So far, just responding minimally with her (like you suggested) has kept her from contacting me too much. I just need some time away from it to heal and to get back on track.

Sasha,

That sounds awful. My mom still lives with my stepfather, but anytime she has to go to the hospital I'm expected to drive down. Yet when my husband was in the hospital for 5 days being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, she never offered to come and only called once to check in. I wouldn't mind as much if she wasn't so awful to be around. She had a seizure the day before mother's day (we were planning to go visit anyways) so we went and took her out and stuff. She was surprisingly pleasant, I wonder if they had her on some feel good meds, haha! I joked with my husband that it must have rattled a wire in her brain and "fixed" her, but of course she was back to yelling and screaming pretty soon after that.

That's so interesting about the flu around christmas time. The past two years we've gone to see her my DH and I have BOTH gotten sick! My DH in particular never gets sick. I honestly haven't minded it because it gave us both a good excuse to duck out early and go back to the hotel to decompress. It's so crazy how stress can manifest into physical symptoms though.

Naughty,

My mother has recently started apologizing for her rages but it seems to me to be out of a fear of abandonment. It's more of a way to end the conflict than a genuine apology. I know this because she posts on facebook all the details and while she's texting me to apologize she's complaining about how I'm the problem and should be the one apologizing, etc. Facebook is the worst.

[Spruce927]

Ocean Eyes,

I am so sorry you have a mother like this.  I too face the same exact thing.  I'm a "b___" and a bunch of horrible words one day and the next I'm "the joy of her life" or the "reason she lives."  You never know which I'll be. 

The anger and hatred that comes out of her is shocking.  At 30, I still cringe when I think about some of the things she has said and done to me.  It's harder as you grow during your twenties and have SO, friends etc and see how "normal" moms are.  When you learn that not everyone verbally berates your child I found at first a bit surprised.  That's truly sad. 

Anyway, I hope that the more you go on these forums and do your own research that BPD causes those afflicted to say the most awful things.  I guess when you take them less personal, and you become more understanding of the disorder, it helps you heal.  You described it perfectly when you say she has "inner turmoil."  If they are saying these terrible, nasty things to us, think about how they feel inside.  When you register things in this way you can feel sorrow for them instead of pain or resentment.  I decided to remove my mother 100% from my life and I have never felt better.  That's not to say that it hasn't been painful, but slowly I can feel myself less on edge, less anxiety, and I feel better about who I am. 

When you say how do you deal with them when they're "normal," I know exactly what you mean.  When my mom is "normal" she's fun to be around, witty, and charming.  I enjoyed those times so much but that next rage episode was always right around the corner.  It will never not be.  There was peace in knowing I can say goodbye and not face the "storm" if you will. 

With my mom she could say the most cruel and hateful things to me and then the next day or even an hour later say "want to grab dinner."  She could literally snap back into normal mode as if nothing at all happened.  If I ever brought up how she behaved she'd basically tell me to get over it or brush it off like it was no big deal.  Sometimes she'd just say it was something else going on that "made" her talk to me that way.  Do you find your mom can turn on a dime this way?  It's so odd. 

Big hugs and hope

[Attie]

My mother does not realise she has BPD. She's in therapy for depression because everyone is out to get her.

She remembers my childhood in a different way than I. Apparently my father was the violent one and not her.

Apparently I'm mis-remembering everything and she sometimes wonders where I'm schizophrenic.

She can yell at me for hours. And then a few days later she calls me as if nothing happened.

And honestly? I still don't know how to deal with that. Because when I don't talk to her, she feels like I betray her. She feels like I've given up on her and like I abandoned her even though in her world she was the perfect mother.

[Sasha026]

Sasha,

That sounds awful. My mom still lives with my stepfather, but anytime she has to go to the hospital I'm expected to drive down. Yet when my husband was in the hospital for 5 days being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, she never offered to come and only called once to check in. I wouldn't mind as much if she wasn't so awful to be around. She had a seizure the day before mother's day (we were planning to go visit anyways) so we went and took her out and stuff. She was surprisingly pleasant, I wonder if they had her on some feel good meds, haha! I joked with my husband that it must have rattled a wire in her brain and "fixed" her, but of course she was back to yelling and screaming pretty soon after that.

That's so interesting about the flu around christmas time. The past two years we've gone to see her my DH and I have BOTH gotten sick! My DH in particular never gets sick. I honestly haven't minded it because it gave us both a good excuse to duck out early and go back to the hotel to decompress. It's so crazy how stress can manifest into physical symptoms though.

[Sasha026]

Sorry for that - something went wrong. Here's the rest of my post.

Oceaneyes,

Sorry for the late response. I've had the flu for 5 weeks now - or remnants of the secondary lung infection. Anyway, it's been awful, but better now.

About getting sick - How can your body not react to such stress put on it every day? I used to have a prayer, "Please Lord, just let me have a quiet week, just one week." Unfortunately even the Lord had no real power over the emotional tornado called BPD. A lot of people over the years have cited quite a few maladies due to dealing with constant stress. GI problems are very common. Viruses and infections due to the body always being in "flight or fight". I've also heard about quite a lot of immune-suppressant diseases like Lupus or even problems like Multiple Sclerosis.

BPD's impose terrible problems on their family members. Living with them is quite hard, never mind the stress they put on your marriage. I'm also sorry to hear that your husband was diagnosed with MS.   I also have a hospital story (who doesn't?). Back in 04 I coughed up blood. No symptoms, just a mouthful of blood. I naturally thought that I had cancer because that's what I've been told. I figured that I was beyond help and it was the end - I was terrified. I went quickly to the hospital, where I was told that I did not have cancer. Later, I visited a very good pulmonologist who gave me a series of tests and told me that I had bronchiectasis - which is benign. That was her birthday week, from July 24 to August 2nd. I had had pneumonia 8 times in a row from 92 to 94 which convoluted my bronchi. I coughed for two years. When I told her what had happened, all she could say was, "Well, I guess I won't be having a birthday party this year!" I had to go out and buy her a birthday present, in between getting my pulmonary tests - and I did that so that I didn't have to hear her wail that her birthday was spoiled!

The next time she did that was when I almost died of a burst bowel. I told her that I had to have a resect and almost died. Her response? "Oh stop your whining!" I never talked to her again. She made her own bed. Then she died a few years later. I didn't go. I wonder why?   Sometimes you just have had enough.

Sasha

[oceaneyes]

Back in 04 I coughed up blood. No symptoms, just a mouthful of blood. I naturally thought that I had cancer because that's what I've been told. I figured that I was beyond help and it was the end - I was terrified. I went quickly to the hospital, where I was told that I did not have cancer. Later, I visited a very good pulmonologist who gave me a series of tests and told me that I had bronchiectasis - which is benign. That was her birthday week, from July 24 to August 2nd. I had had pneumonia 8 times in a row from 92 to 94 which convoluted my bronchi. I coughed for two years. When I told her what had happened, all she could say was, "Well, I guess I won't be having a birthday party this year!" I had to go out and buy her a birthday present, in between getting my pulmonary tests - and I did that so that I didn't have to hear her wail that her birthday was spoiled!

The next time she did that was when I almost died of a burst bowel. I told her that I had to have a resect and almost died. Her response? "Oh stop your whining!" I never talked to her again. She made her own bed. Then she died a few years later. I didn't go. I wonder why?   Sometimes you just have had enough.

Gosh, that is awful. My mom is very much a waif, so she never asks for things out-right. She just expects me to praise her or do special things for her and if I don't she plays the victim to her friends and then subsequently rages at me.

I quit sharing personal issues with my mother long ago, but I relapsed when my husband was diagnosed. It was pretty traumatic for us, we had just moved to a new town and I didn't really have anyone to talk to. So when she called to check in, I let myself be vulnerable with her, which I now wish I hadn't done. Since she had been so seemingly supportive during that one call, I called her again to give her an update when he was discharged. I was telling her how he couldn't feed himself or really walk very far, and venting about how insurance didn't cover as much as we thought it would and we were both going to be out of work for a while. I wasn't looking for answers, I just wanted to vent. Instead of being supportive and reassuring me that we'd get through it she snapped and said "WHO CARES?" in the most hateful tone I've ever heard. That was when I really knew that I could not share anything with her anymore and that she was not going to be a source of support for me.

Thanks for sharing your story! I really enjoy this board, I have a very supportive husband but it's hard for him to relate to the experiences I've had, so I'm thankful to have the support of everyone here as well.

The anger and hatred that comes out of her is shocking.  At 30, I still cringe when I think about some of the things she has said and done to me.  It's harder as you grow during your twenties and have SO, friends etc and see how "normal" moms are.  When you learn that not everyone verbally berates your child I found at first a bit surprised.  That's truly sad.

Oh yes, all of this. I've been with my DH for 12 years, since we were 17/18. When I first started hanging out at his house with his family I felt so out of place. I would spend hours in his room even when he was at work. I was so used to hiding away from the drama at my own house that I didn't know how to interact with normal parents. It took probably 4-5 years of being around them and experiencing kindness and normalcy for me to begin to trust them and open up. Now they're my favorite people in the whole world, I love having them come visit or going to see them. I really feel thankful that they were so gentle with me, they never pressured me to be anyone other than myself. If I hadn't met my DH and his family, I think I'd probably be a lot more like my uBPD mom.

Anyway, I hope that the more you go on these forums and do your own research that BPD causes those afflicted to say the most awful things.  I guess when you take them less personal, and you become more understanding of the disorder, it helps you heal.  You described it perfectly when you say she has "inner turmoil."  If they are saying these terrible, nasty things to us, think about how they feel inside.  When you register things in this way you can feel sorrow for them instead of pain or resentment.  I decided to remove my mother 100% from my life and I have never felt better.  That's not to say that it hasn't been painful, but slowly I can feel myself less on edge, less anxiety, and I feel better about who I am. 

I'm getting better at this! When I initially suspected BPD I read two books on it in one week. It was extremely obvious to me that this was what was going on with my mother (later confirmed by my T). I do feel very sad for her. I wish she had enough self awareness to see what's going on and to seek help. Now that I understand the disorder it has become easier to see that the hateful things she says about me are actually how she feels about herself.

I like to try to imagine two mothers, my mother as she is now and my mother if she were healthy and I know if she were healthy she would approve of the decisions I'm making and how I'm handling all of this. I'm currently VLC, possibly even considered NC. I only contact her if she contacts me first, and really only to practice the tools and techniques I'm learning in therapy. I think I've been painted black because of the boundaries I've been setting with her, as she rarely contacts me now and has limited it to text messages.

With my mom she could say the most cruel and hateful things to me and then the next day or even an hour later say "want to grab dinner."  She could literally snap back into normal mode as if nothing at all happened.  If I ever brought up how she behaved she'd basically tell me to get over it or brush it off like it was no big deal.  Sometimes she'd just say it was something else going on that "made" her talk to me that way.  Do you find your mom can turn on a dime this way?  It's so odd. 

Absolutely. It usually happens in two different ways. She will either smother me with kindness and then when I respond with medium chill (I had been doing this and I didn't even know it was a thing!) she will get angry and rage at me. OR she will rage at me for seemingly no reason at all and then a day or two later respond as if nothing happened. I used to play along and act like it didn't bother me, but when I did that I found she raged at me more frequently. This last time she raged at me I decided to seek therapy and began setting boundaries and using assertive talking with her. She hasn't raged at me but there's been a lot of silent treatment... .which really, is great. I'm at the point where I see nothing positive about our relationship, she hurts me and apparently she feels like I'm hurting her. Seems like it'd be better if I just went NC.

Thanks for sharing!

[toolong31]

oceaneyes--

Wow!  I could have written that very thread.  That is exactly how I feel about my mother.  And there are days when she superficially is even nice.  I have to remind myself how quickly that can and will change.  On the nice days, I really have to watch what I tell her, because I may expose a vulnerability that she will later pick on.

I also feel like there is no substance to our relationship anymore, and am happier when I don't talk to her at all for a few days.  Happiest I've been was a 1 month long period when we didn't talk.  Although it's something I'm not proud of, I even have some hate for her when she does something particularly hurtful.  I'm trying to get rid of that hate, though, because it makes me act out of fear... .and that's a borderline thing.  I don't want to be like her. 

I don't think there is any utility in separating the illness from the person.  But forgiving them I believe can be freeing for us as daughters... .that's my next big goal.  There is no  way you will ever forget who she is and what she's capable of.  Forgiving her may entail recognizing that, even though she is responsible for her behavior, she was a victim of something that irrevocably hurt her.  She couldn't defend herself whenever the original wound occurred.  Maybe it was her parents... .her genetics... .  Forgiving may also entail knowing that her soul is good, even though her personality sucks (but that's a spiritual belief who may or may not have). 

I encourage you!  Thanks for helping me feel like I'm not alone!

toolong31