Letting Go of the Dream after Divorce

[Survivor25]

Hello. I'm new here and I need support. I need to hear I'm going to be okay again. I've been married for 25 years to a man who has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, ADHD, Depression. I now believe that none of these diagnosis were correct. He meets every BPD criteria.  I've left, I've come back, I've left again. We have been divorced 5 weeks now, separated almost 2 years. We have 4 children, 3 grandchildren. Throughout our entire marriage, he either loved me and worshiped the ground I walked on or hated my guts and blamed me for all of his failings. Nothing in-between. Ever. He went to psychiatrists. Therapists. We saw 12 marriage counselors in 25 years. Marriage retreats, workshops, you name it, we tried it. Always my fault. How could it always be my fault? He has been on many different medications. The romance was amazing, the sunsets, the candles, the flowers, the cards, the undying love for all eternity or complete silence, disappearance for hours, turning off his phone, leaving me in every place imaginable when I would say something that triggered him somehow. Losing job after job after job. His unwillingness to communicate his feelings. He kept everything inside, most of the time. Then there were moments when he would be so open and available and I would thing "Oh, maybe he'll be okay, we'll be in love again." Mostly, he was shut down. The passion and sex were amazing, when he was stable enough to be close. I went to bed alone often as he numbed out on the TV waiting for me to fall asleep. And always manipulation to make me feel like I had done something to hurt him or offend him and I didn't know what I did. Since the separation the text messages have gone back and forth either pledging our love or stoney silence for weeks from him. Our youngest is 16 and we share custody. We have always parented so well together. He is smart. He has no sense of humor, can't be teased or joked with because he gets so easily offended. I am divorced. I could not take it anymore. Half my life has been spent with this man. I wish I hated him or was angry with him. I am angry, at me! for accepting the unacceptable for so long. For enabling behaviors that were insane! He stayed in the house vowing to pay the mortgage with both our names on it (what was I thinking?). He stopped paying the mortgage after I moved out. The house is in foreclosure. Our 13 year old dog was dying for the last year and our sons kept asking him to put the dog down, they couldn't stand to see him in pain. He avoided it, kept saying the dog would be fine. Finally, this past weekend, while he was out of town, I took my boys and we put the dog down together. So much sadness. I love him, I hate him, I can't believe I stayed so long. I just wanted it to be okay. I wanted my family to be together. I couldn't fix him, could I? I thought I could, I wanted to. I am divorced. I didn't want to be divorced. In the end he pushed for it because he said "I'm killing you." He was right. And still I am the one who feels rejected and alone and he is probably just fine. Thank you for letting me ramble, vent, SCREAM! How do I let go and start over? HOW?

[Mike-X]

Survivor25,

Welcome to the boards. I appreciate you sharing your story, and I am very sorry about all that you have been through.

There are many members on here (me included) seeking answers to similar questions. Please use these boards to help let go and start over.

Given your co-parenting situation definitely read through the lessons on the right. However, given some of the issues in your post about recovery, you might also want to explore:

https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-broken

and the lessons on the board on Leaving: Detaching from the Wounds of a Failed BPD Relationship: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=8.0

Again, I am sorry for all that you have been through, but I am glad that you found bpdfamily.com.

[DJmh]

Hello there, I'm new too.  I'm glad you found this place.  I can identify with everything you wrote.  I've had 2 relationships of this kind now and a child from each, though they are still quite young.  however I've spent almost 17 years in these unhealthy relationships combined and it's so horrible to think that maybe the best years of your life has been wasted on trying to make things work with something that never would.

it sounds like you've been through unimaginable pain over those long years and the periods of stability and happiness just add to the misery as it keeps you hooked in there.  I know if something catastrophic hadn't happened, he'd be still here, which of course a part of me still yearns for.

But may I just say, you must be an amazingly strong person.  You've been through all this and survived when many people would have cracked long ago.  You may not feel it but you are a coper and a succeeder and a rock for your children.  You are the stability in their lives.  Divorce brings all sorts of emotions, mainly failure in ourselves and having to grieve for broken dreams.  Remember those emotions are less to do with the actual relationship and more to do with what we think we've lost.  It's a natural process but it will take time, and just think that you now have a chance to be genuinely secure and happy.  Of course you'll have bad days, but you will definately be OK.