Letting Go of the Dream after Divorce

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello. I'm new here and I need support. I need to hear I'm going to be okay again. I've been married for 25 years to a man who has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, ADHD, Depression. I now believe that none of these diagnosis were correct. He meets every BPD criteria.  I've left, I've come back, I've left again. We have been divorced 5 weeks now, separated almost 2 years. We have 4 children, 3 grandchildren. Throughout our entire marriage, he either loved me and worshiped the ground I walked on or hated my guts and blamed me for all of his failings. Nothing in-between. Ever. He went to psychiatrists. Therapists. We saw 12 marriage counselors in 25 years. Marriage retreats, workshops, you name it, we tried it. Always my fault. How could it always be my fault? He has been on many different medications. The romance was amazing, the sunsets, the candles, the flowers, the cards, the undying love for all eternity or complete silence, disappearance for hours, turning off his phone, leaving me in every place imaginable when I would say something that triggered him somehow. Losing job after job after job. His unwillingness to communicate his feelings. He kept everything inside, most of the time. Then there were moments when he would be so open and available and I would thing "Oh, maybe he'll be okay, we'll be in love again." Mostly, he was shut down. The passion and sex were amazing, when he was stable enough to be close. I went to bed alone often as he numbed out on the TV waiting for me to fall asleep. And always manipulation to make me feel like I had done something to hurt him or offend him and I didn't know what I did. Since the separation the text messages have gone back and forth either pledging our love or stoney silence for weeks from him. Our youngest is 16 and we share custody. We have always parented so well together. He is smart. He has no sense of humor, can't be teased or joked with because he gets so easily offended. I am divorced. I could not take it anymore. Half my life has been spent with this man. I wish I hated him or was angry with him. I am angry, at me! for accepting the unacceptable for so long. For enabling behaviors that were insane! He stayed in the house vowing to pay the mortgage with both our names on it (what was I thinking?). He stopped paying the mortgage after I moved out. The house is in foreclosure. Our 13 year old dog was dying for the last year and our sons kept asking him to put the dog down, they couldn't stand to see him in pain. He avoided it, kept saying the dog would be fine. Finally, this past weekend, while he was out of town, I took my boys and we put the dog down together. So much sadness. I love him, I hate him, I can't believe I stayed so long. I just wanted it to be okay. I wanted my family to be together. I couldn't fix him, could I? I thought I could, I wanted to. I am divorced. I didn't want to be divorced. In the end he pushed for it because he said "I'm killing you." He was right. And still I am the one who feels rejected and alone and he is probably just fine. Thank you for letting me ramble, vent, SCREAM! How do I let go and start over? HOW?

[Survivor25]

Hello. I'm new here and I need support. I need to hear I'm going to be okay again. I've been married for 25 years to a man who has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, ADHD, Depression. I now believe that none of these diagnosis were correct. He meets every BPD criteria.  I've left, I've come back, I've left again. We have been divorced 5 weeks now, separated almost 2 years. We have 4 children, 3 grandchildren. Throughout our entire marriage, he either loved me and worshiped the ground I walked on or hated my guts and blamed me for all of his failings. Nothing in-between. Ever. He went to psychiatrists. Therapists. We saw 12 marriage counselors in 25 years. Marriage retreats, workshops, you name it, we tried it. Always my fault. How could it always be my fault? He has been on many different medications. The romance was amazing, the sunsets, the candles, the flowers, the cards, the undying love for all eternity or complete silence, disappearance for hours, turning off his phone, leaving me in every place imaginable when I would say something that triggered him somehow. Losing job after job after job. His unwillingness to communicate his feelings. He kept everything inside, most of the time. Then there were moments when he would be so open and available and I would thing "Oh, maybe he'll be okay, we'll be in love again." Mostly, he was shut down. The passion and sex were amazing, when he was stable enough to be close. I went to bed alone often as he numbed out on the TV waiting for me to fall asleep. And always manipulation to make me feel like I had done something to hurt him or offend him and I didn't know what I did. Since the separation the text messages have gone back and forth either pledging our love or stoney silence for weeks from him. Our youngest is 16 and we share custody. We have always parented so well together. He is smart. He has no sense of humor, can't be teased or joked with because he gets so easily offended. I am divorced. I could not take it anymore. Half my life has been spent with this man. I wish I hated him or was angry with him. I am angry, at me! for accepting the unacceptable for so long. For enabling behaviors that were insane! He stayed in the house vowing to pay the mortgage with both our names on it (what was I thinking?). He stopped paying the mortgage after I moved out. The house is in foreclosure. Our 13 year old dog was dying for the last year and our sons kept asking him to put the dog down, they couldn't stand to see him in pain. He avoided it, kept saying the dog would be fine. Finally, this past weekend, while he was out of town, I took my boys and we put the dog down together. So much sadness. I love him, I hate him, I can't believe I stayed so long. I just wanted it to be okay. I wanted my family to be together. I couldn't fix him, could I? I thought I could, I wanted to. I am divorced. I didn't want to be divorced. In the end he pushed for it because he said "I'm killing you." He was right. And still I am the one who feels rejected and alone and he is probably just fine. Thank you for letting me ramble, vent, SCREAM! How do I let go and start over? HOW?

[Mister Brightside]

I'll let some others who have been in lengthy relationships with a BPD chime in (I only knew my first one for a couple of years, and this most recent one for a few months). But I can say two things.

(1) The bipolar, PTSD, ADHD, and depression could be diagnosed correctly simply because it's possible to have more than one disorder. But yes, you lived with the man for 25 years, so it's safe for you to say he also has BPD, especially with the push/pull, black/white tendencies.

(2) I'm sure he doesn't feel just fine. Even if he had just one of the above disorders, he would be miserable. Ignoring all of the above disorders and simply focusing on BPD (assuming that's the only disorder he has), they have extreme emotions (the black and white thinking), so when he's down, he is going to be really down, as you witnessed in your marriage.

I also feel to ask, what was his life like growing up? How was his relationship with his parents?

[dagwoodbowser]

Greetings Survivor25. Can't say I know what you're feeling but based on your intro sounds like you're hurting. This will be a great place for you. When I first stumbled upon this place I was pretty confused and asking lots of the same questions. As I started reading and exploring the vast amount of knowledge here I found that my situation was not unique just as you will find that while your circumstances will be different some of the patterns you've pointed out will  be similar, somewhat comforting, yet eerie. If you like to express by the written word you've find it therapeutic to rant away and let your fingers scream away as they connect to your thoughts.

We cant give hugs here... .prohibited... .. But we are all here to listen and you're Not alone.

Hang in there!

[Suzn]

Hello Survivor25

I'm really glad you found us though very sorry you've had to.   This is not all your fault. Living in a world where you are either all good or all bad in a loved one's eyes is very painful and you have been quite strong having been married for 25 years. You are going to be ok. We're here for you, the members here all understand exactly what you've gone through. I'm sorry for the loss of your family pet, that's always such a heartbreaking decision. 

Being newly divorced is hard on anyone, add in BPD and it can be devastating. We get that here. Are you seeing a therapist now with all you've been up against? How are the children coping the divorce?

[ugghh]

Survivor - first of all welcome to the board 

I can feel your pain a bit as I also was married for 26 years to a uBPDw before getting divorced last year. We had 3 great kids together (D21,S19,S18) who all live with me now.  I promise you things do get better.  2 things that have helped me more than anything else were seeing a counselor for the last almost 3 years and this forum. 

At the behest and nagging of my then 19 year old daughter I finally took the time to seek out a counselor for myself.  Not a marriage counselor, but someone whose only focus was on helping me get me head straight.  Over the course of the 18 months before the divorce was filed, he helped me understand that BPD is a CHRONIC condition,  it is not something my ex wife did, it is who she was.

And I kept coming back to this forum.  I actually joined it six months before I found the counselor.   At that time I was so afraid of my now ex finding this sanctuary that I connected it to my work email as opposed to the one I  used at home.  I am eternally grateful to those who have responded to my posts and shared their experiences and been there for me.  Now I work to give back to others.

What you will find in time is that many of us share your experience and have walked the path you are walking.  I think someone here once called it the universality of the BPD experience.  For example when you say

I am angry, at me! for accepting the unacceptable for so long. For enabling behaviors that were insane!

Boy oh boy can I relate to that.  For example when we divorced and I realized that 95% of my paycheck went to family expenses and 95% of her paycheck went to her.  Or when I lost a job because she literally called me at work like 10 times a day.  Or when she literally demanded the whole family sit around at her work while she spend hours catching up on things that were due weeks earlier.

I was blessed to grow up in house with 2 parents who were as close to perfect for each other as I could imagine and were married for 50+ years.  I kept thinking it was my fault, that I could try harder.  Then after the help of an excellent counselor and this forum I realized it didn't matter how hard I tried or what I did - the result would always be the same.  No, you couldn't fix him.  It is who he is.

As to your question of how do you let go and start over?  You probably need to start thinking about reducing your contact with ex to only topics regarding the shared children.  You may even want to limit those discussions  to email only.  Understand that BPD are master manipulators and most of them are very talented at both pushing buttons and arguing in circles.  By engaging in phone calls or text conversations with him, you cede control and allow him to continue to engage in the behaviors that led to the divorce.

Make no mistake about it, if you start imposing boundaries, he will most likely react in an angry manner.  As he realizes that you are starting to move on it will trigger those BPD fears of abandonment.  Do not let that scare you from the path.   As you look back over the course of your marriage, think about how many times you let go of what you wanted or even needed, because you were afraid of how he would react.  Or how many times you interceded to cover for your kids. Or made excuses why you were late to an event.

Finally, think back to things that you used to enjoy that you gave up because he didn't like it.  Start doing it again.  And smile when you realize that only person you have to keep happy anymore is yourself!

[SWLSR]

Survivor

I have been where you have been.  It will take some time but there will be light one day.  Like you I once felt she came through this just fine, but like everything else that was an act also.  Spend time healing yourself and as you do you will see how much better your life will be without him.

Welcome aboard and let your healing begin

[Survivor25]

I'll let some others who have been in lengthy relationships with a BPD chime in (I only knew my first one for a couple of years, and this most recent one for a few months). But I can say two things.

(1) The bipolar, PTSD, ADHD, and depression could be diagnosed correctly simply because it's possible to have more than one disorder. But yes, you lived with the man for 25 years, so it's safe for you to say he also has BPD, especially with the push/pull, black/white tendencies.

(2) I'm sure he doesn't feel just fine. Even if he had just one of the above disorders, he would be miserable. Ignoring all of the above disorders and simply focusing on BPD (assuming that's the only disorder he has), they have extreme emotions (the black and white thinking), so when he's down, he is going to be really down, as you witnessed in your marriage.

I also feel to ask, what was his life like growing up? How was his relationship with his parents?

[Survivor25]

I have felt so crazy! I'm so grateful to have found this website. What I want more than anything is to STOP thinking about what he's doing or who he's with. It doesn't matter! I know that in my head. I know that no matter who he's with they will end up with the chaos I did. But it is so hard not to remember the good. It is so hard, to believe that I spent a lifetime, built a family with this person and now it's all gone! Why are there these thoughts in my head that he'll realize his mistake and want me back? And why would I even want to go back to such insanity? I think thats what confuses me the most. That I still long for the good when there was so little of it. But when it was good it was SO GOOD and when it was bad (most of the time) it was HORRIBLE! I know this in my head but my heart has not caught up yet.  :'(

[downwhim]

Survivor25,

So happy you found us. This board has been a way for me to survive and vent and help and befriend and learn.

I was married to a NPD for 22 years and was with my exBPD fiancé for 8. I can relate. I hope your children are coping with the loss of the marriage and the dog. That is a lot for them to take.

You are doing the right thing by seeing a counselor and posting here. You will learn a lot from others experiences and those times when you are lonely or have no place to turn hop on and see what others are going through. One day you will be the one to offer help.

After my divorce and b/u I remember self soothing. What can you do for yourself that makes you feel good right now? Go for a walk, buy a good self help book, go to the library and check one out, buy something to wear that makes you feel good, get a manicure/pedicure, buy a new dog, hug your kids, visit a place you love, reach out to an old friend. Think outside the box and do for you.

We are all here for you.  

[getting_better]

Hey, survivor.  I felt like I was reading my own life as I read through your post.  I've been separated from my dBPDw for 10 months and just finished the divorce petition which will be filed next week.  I can SO relate to every single thought and feeling you communicated. We've been married 23 years and have a 15-year old son that we're co-parenting.  Our situations are so similar.

I understand the feelings of "why"?  It wasn't until I separated and found support (got into therapy myself, etc.) that I really started to see what the relationship has done to me.  The hope that I used to have for my own marriage is now hope for my own peace and sanity.  My small apartment is a "palace of peace" compared to the roller-coaster of emotion that is everyday living with a pwBPD. 

I'm so glad you've found this support group - it has been very helpful and healing for me.  You are in the right place.  As others have said, it's not your fault.  Remember the three C's:  you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

I'm so sorry for your pain.   

[getting_better]

Why are there these thoughts in my head that he'll realize his mistake and want me back? And why would I even want to go back to such insanity? I think thats what confuses me the most. That I still long for the good when there was so little of it. But when it was good it was SO GOOD and when it was bad (most of the time) it was HORRIBLE! I know this in my head but my heart has not caught up yet.  :'(

Remember that you're grieving, and grieving is a process.  You'll work through anger, depression, denial, sense-making, and finally acceptance. These stages will come and go.  Stay on the tracks - don't get derailed - and you will find sunnier more stable days ahead.