Daughter in law with BPD traits making my son and grandchildrens life difficult.

[Depression = 72% of members]

   My son has moved back into our home tonight. He has been married for five years to a lady who was a single mom. Through the last few years I've been trying to figure out how I can deal with the difficulty of being a part of her life. They now have four children, counting her daughter from before they were married. I have always been very loving, caring and compassionate toward her.

She is a very difficult person to be able to talk openly with. She is severely defensive, has difficulty seeing the truth in her own actions and how they negatively effect all those around her, and has all of the symptoms of BPD, especially turning against some one when she thinks they are attacking her. She will be 'close' to you only when it seems to help her situation. She also has a prescription drug abuse problem and binge drinks on a regular basis. She has suffered neglect, trauma through her life. I have been supportive, helpful and been there for her where her own mom and family have not.

She and my son had gone to three sessions of counseling. He has made appointments for himself but although she said she would also go for counseling she says now that she 'has changed her mind'.

The children are not fed on a regular basis, she expects my son to work at a hard physical job all day, come home to cook and clean. She rarely gets off the couch and sits to text, gossip and talk about the latest popular t.v. shows of her age group with her friends. While I have been at the house picking up a grandchild and getting them ready to go out, having to clean them up, dress them and usually feed them all with out complaining or degrading, she whispers negative comments about me to who ever she is talking to on the phone.

Her daughter has to care for the kids often, do all the dishes and my daughter in law does no laundry. She buys herself more and more clothes when she can't find clean things but lets the kids wear the same dirty clothes and underwear for days on end, even sleeping in them. Often I'll go over in the a.m. and find the one year old twins still in soaking or poopy diapers, and they usually are not dressed or fed.

I have tried to help her, and now I wonder what is my part in this. She had her daughter taken away from her once when she was single because of her drug use. I am concerned that the children will not fare well without some one else involved and the more I am over at the house, the more I don't want to be there. I've done TONS and TONS of laundry to keep the kids at least able to dress in clean clothes once in awhile plus I've bought them a lot of clothes since they grow out of them and rarely does she get them new clothes. She'll be dressed very well but the children are outside in the winter without a warm coat. I am so angry, sad, frustrated and afraid. I also blame myself some what because when I saw them together, it seemed like she was the first girl that he had gone out with that was really a friend. There is so much more to this but I do wish some one who may have gone through something like this can give me some support. Thanks.

[Rosietara]

   My son has moved back into our home tonight. He has been married for five years to a lady who was a single mom. Through the last few years I've been trying to figure out how I can deal with the difficulty of being a part of her life. They now have four children, counting her daughter from before they were married. I have always been very loving, caring and compassionate toward her.

She is a very difficult person to be able to talk openly with. She is severely defensive, has difficulty seeing the truth in her own actions and how they negatively effect all those around her, and has all of the symptoms of BPD, especially turning against some one when she thinks they are attacking her. She will be 'close' to you only when it seems to help her situation. She also has a prescription drug abuse problem and binge drinks on a regular basis. She has suffered neglect, trauma through her life. I have been supportive, helpful and been there for her where her own mom and family have not.

She and my son had gone to three sessions of counseling. He has made appointments for himself but although she said she would also go for counseling she says now that she 'has changed her mind'.

The children are not fed on a regular basis, she expects my son to work at a hard physical job all day, come home to cook and clean. She rarely gets off the couch and sits to text, gossip and talk about the latest popular t.v. shows of her age group with her friends. While I have been at the house picking up a grandchild and getting them ready to go out, having to clean them up, dress them and usually feed them all with out complaining or degrading, she whispers negative comments about me to who ever she is talking to on the phone.

Her daughter has to care for the kids often, do all the dishes and my daughter in law does no laundry. She buys herself more and more clothes when she can't find clean things but lets the kids wear the same dirty clothes and underwear for days on end, even sleeping in them. Often I'll go over in the a.m. and find the one year old twins still in soaking or poopy diapers, and they usually are not dressed or fed.

I have tried to help her, and now I wonder what is my part in this. She had her daughter taken away from her once when she was single because of her drug use. I am concerned that the children will not fare well without some one else involved and the more I am over at the house, the more I don't want to be there. I've done TONS and TONS of laundry to keep the kids at least able to dress in clean clothes once in awhile plus I've bought them a lot of clothes since they grow out of them and rarely does she get them new clothes. She'll be dressed very well but the children are outside in the winter without a warm coat. I am so angry, sad, frustrated and afraid. I also blame myself some what because when I saw them together, it seemed like she was the first girl that he had gone out with that was really a friend. There is so much more to this but I do wish some one who may have gone through something like this can give me some support. Thanks.

[jdtm]

My son has moved back into our home tonight.

We had a similar situation except with only two grandchildren.  This situation can only be changed if your son changes it.  Our son's lawyer told him not to move out of the family home but try to get his wife to move out.  Then, he could say his wife "abandoned her children" and it was much easier to get custody of the children.  Our son also documented - dates, facts, times, verbatim words, actions,  etc. on a daily basis but kept his information at work.  This helped immensely in gaining custody of the children.

That was our experience.  We decided not to involve the "children's aid society". Your son may choose another path.  Always, decisions should be based on what is best for these children.  You cannot change this - you have tried (so did I) - but we cannot change it.

Our DIL did move out of the family home and our son claimed she abandoned her children.  The law supported our son and he maintained custody of the children as well as the family home.  They divorced several years ago - things are much better but our grandchildren still struggle.  I am sure others will have additional advice - but, your son needs to make a change.  I would suggest seeing a lawyer (a good one even if pricey).  Your DIL is what she is - it will not improve.  So sorry ... .

[swampped]

Dear Rosietara:  I am so sorry that you need to be here, but want to welcome you to this new family.  We truly do understand what you are going through, and hope that will be some comfort to you.  A few questions:  How old are the grandchildren?  Are they in enough difficulty that social services needs to be involved?  Are they with your son now, or still with their mother?  Do you have any support for yourself?  This is a terrible burden to be taking on, and it sounds as if you are stretched very thin. 

We have been through a similar situation.  Our son, who is now 35 and is mildly developmentally delayed, married the mother of his daughter six years ago, and promptly moved 350 miles away from us.  This was so she could be near her two older children, who were in their father's custody.  The marriage went sour almost immediately, although he stayed for a couple of years until she basically threw him out, and subsequently they have divorced.  He continues to live nearby, and we support the little girl, who is now six, and her mother, and also pay rent for our son, who earns minimum wage and gives half of that to his ex-wife.  A long involved story, which doesn't really matter here, but I want you to know that you are not alone in your quandary.  How much do we do?  How much is enabling?  When there are grandchildren involved, it is so very complicated!  And as a mother, I think we always take on the burden of our adult children's problems---no matter how old they are.

At any rate, there are lots of good lessons here and on the parenting board.  I have found tremendous help at this site, on both boards, and also from AlAnon, which has helped me and my husband to learn to detach with love and to turn some of our worries over to our Higher Power.  Please read, read, read, and post when you feel able.  Although I don't think I will ever stop worrying about our son and our beautiful granddaughter, and yes, about her mother, I can say that there is some peace to be found in all of this pain.  The knowledge that others understand has been of great consolation to me.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers.     Swampped

[Rosietara]

   Feeling support now. Thanks for the heads up to those who replied to my post. It's very difficult to know what to say to him, or to ask questions, and I am still thinking that him getting counselling is going to make a difference for him.  For now I don't have a lot more to say but I am happy to have found 'this place' where others are kind enough to share and say supportive and informative things. Thank you thank you THANK YOU!