Trapped...

[hurthusband]

so... .i try to stay away. she constantly bad mouths me until I say something.  I turn off phone to avoid arguments, she calls my other family and others until they find me and tell me to contact her where she says i do not care and im ___, but then she needs me there now or cause she is concerned she will hurt herself. 

I tell her the cops need to be called and her sister says that only makes things worse.  So I go out and when i get out there, I am not allowed near.

I do not know what to do.

[OnceConfused]

Hurthusband,

YES, you do know what to do, but you have decided not to it or them. So many advices have given here but I have not seen you use any of them.

Your posting your feelings here only help you to have some moments of clarity, but posting alone will NOT solve your problems. Your problems is your wife's continual inappropriate behaviors toward you and her choosing to do just that. Her behaviors are hers to control , not yours. The only solutions you have are:

1. Give her an ultimatum. That is if she does not comply then you will wallk away and file a divorce. If you do not accept that ultimatum then you are forever under her attacks.

2. If she begins to express an interest in hurting herself, don't just sit there and wondering what to do. Call the police. Keep on calling the police everytime she threatens to hurt herself. Otherwise, you are taking on her guilt.

3. You have got to make a decision my friend.

[EaglesJuju]

If she is threating harm to herself, why don't you call for professional help?

[hurthusband]

If she is threating harm to herself, why don't you call for professional help?

This is a messed up thing.  One of her therapists she stopped going to now refuses to talk to me (i think its because I asked her for receipts to file with insurance for 3 months and she will not provide them.  Unfortunately, she is only person in area i can find that works with DBT, and wife doesnt like her now)

Other psychiatrist i cannot talk to neither and seems to refuse to give my wife anything but sleeping meds, xanax, and ADD meds.  Honestly, I am hesitant on her because what kind fo professional psychiatrist also does botox and runs a spa out of her practice. 

Her last remaining family member gets pissed when i bring up police because everything does get MUCH worse when it is brought up.

This is for two reasons

1. my wife is on probation for a DWI and is terrified over that.  Her own fault, but it pushes her into a truly psychotic state the thought of police

2. she is terrified of the place they will take her for mental health.  It just so happens she has been to it twice and did not like it, but the really really bad part is that it is the SAME hospital that BOTH her parents died in which started all of this due to ineptitude in December.  The same hospital that her grandmother went into in January with a sore hip and came out with a severe staph infection that nearly killed her (which is what killed her father when he went there)

the only other option is the county hospital... .known as the 13th floor because it is on the 13th floor.  It is horrible, and she will get no help there.  They do not treat any sort of behavior disorder.  You sleep on gurneys in hallways.  It is over capacity. Rampant bed bugs... .and you cannot use restroom without somebody with you watching you.

I do business with the alot of their patients because I do business with Mental Health Mental Retardation of the city which runs that floor.  Case workers know its a joke, but Texas spends less per person than any other state on mental health so... .there you go.

Still. She needs hospitalization.  She does.  I honestly was cold when she told me all of that last night and angry.  Angry she is doing this to me, angry she doing it to the kids.  I also know what police will do because I do alot with police too.  They will get out, my wife will morph into a different personality.  She will say she never said anything and that i am a disgruntled husband who is kicked out making up things.  The police will then say that it is a civil matter and not their business OR... .they will write me a ticket and hassle me.  Now my wife does not know that is what the police will do, and i will not tell her that is a possiblity.  Last thing she needs is to know another way to possibly manipulate things into her favor

I can see while she is on the edge now... .if she was committed.  She would do the song and dance for a few days and once out seek horrible vengeance and kill herself.  I see that as more likely resulting in her death than me attempting to stay away.

The hard part about last night is she riled up my other family and was talking crazy with kids in the house.  To then have them wake with police there... .possibly taking a parent away.  I just wouldnt want them to see that.  They have seen enough and maybe in long run that is better.  At 2 am after finally getting to sleep and not eating all day, my mind was not working at full efficiency neither

Part of me wishes she would just let go of me and stop

[Loosestrife]

Hurthusband,

YES, you do know what to do, but you have decided not to it or them. So many advices have given here but I have not seen you use any of them.

Your posting your feelings here only help you to have some moments of clarity, but posting alone will NOT solve your problems. Your problems is your wife's continual inappropriate behaviors toward you and her choosing to do just that. Her behaviors are hers to control , not yours. The only solutions you have are:

1. Give her an ultimatum. That is if she does not comply then you will wallk away and file a divorce. If you do not accept that ultimatum then you are forever under her attacks.

2. If she begins to express an interest in hurting herself, don't just sit there and wondering what to do. Call the police. Keep on calling the police everytime she threatens to hurt herself. Otherwise, you are taking on her guilt.

3. You have got to make a decision my friend.

This is sound advice

[Lucky Jim]

So I go out and when i get out there, I am not allowed near.  I do not know what to do.

Hey hh, why do you go there?  Your efforts have so far proven ineffective.  LuckyJim

[waverider]

Other family members are not you, living in your place. You must not put too much store in what they say. They simply want to make their life less difficult and get her issues out of their face. You must detach from the opinions of family and in laws. They are not here getting experienced advice. Their views are no better than yours were before you came here.

YOU have been here long enough to have formulate plans and responses. Action them and stick to them and stop being overruled by those who dont have an educated opinion.

[hurthusband]

she keeps saying i have not made any effort and asking me how i did.  i thought about this and noticed i cannot think of a whole lot, but maybe i have done stuff that counts in a relationship

1. it has been hard to do anything because im kicked out and not allowed over.  not sure if that is a valid excuse

2. i have gotten her little things from grocery and so forth she likes

3. i did take her out for a mega vday

4. our anniversary i was not allowed home, but i did get a gift that she hated.

5. she has asked me for things and handle alot of stuff which i have, but i suppose cause she asked that does not count.  some more expensive like dishwashers and premium several hundred in concern tickets

6. i am taking off once a month on a saturday as requested... .i am going to breakfast and going in late to work some days or taking a lunch.  to spend with her

what else is the sort of stuff i should be doing.  This is not so much to alleviate her because i may not be able to ever please her, but to alleviate my guilt.

If i can shake off feeling guilty maybe i can accept she is not all there and move on.

[livednlearned]

If i can shake off feeling guilty maybe i can accept she is not all there and move on.

When you feel consumed with guilt, what are the patterns of thoughts and feelings you go through? For example, you knock yourself out to give your wife a nice Valentine's Day gift. She doesn't like it nor want it. You feel guilty. What goes on in that moment? If it involves kicking yourself in the head, what would happen if you had a dialog with yourself about the good in what you did?

[hurthusband]

If i can shake off feeling guilty maybe i can accept she is not all there and move on.

When you feel consumed with guilt, what are the patterns of thoughts and feelings you go through? For example, you knock yourself out to give your wife a nice Valentine's Day gift. She doesn't like it nor want it. You feel guilty. What goes on in that moment? If it involves kicking yourself in the head, what would happen if you had a dialog with yourself about the good in what you did?

Good helps feel good, but I do not know if it is because I am not paying attention or if the mistake is greivous for a husband

[GaGrl]

What are you doing to help her?  OK... .

What is NOT helping is your ongoing attempts to coddle her or assuage your guilt with extravagant gestures and gifts that you really can't afford, such as vacations, concert tickets (to concerts you are going to yourself), jewelry, dinner.

What you ARE doing, that apparently she gives you no credit for whatsoever, is:

-- Supporting her by providing for her necessities -- housing, transportation, groceries, etc.

-- Paying $30,000 for her medical care and prescriptions, in spite of the fact that (1) she sees a medical provider that is not willing to give you documentation for insurance purposes and could probably be reported to her professional organization, and (2) she sees a psychiatrist that is more focused on medication than on therapy

-- Supporting children that are not biologically yours but that you love

Now, of the two ways to "show love," I sure know which one I'd want from my husband, and it's not #1.

In  reference to your "Trapped" title... .the only trap you are in is one of your own making.  You know you have several options for next actions, but you are choosing to stay in the trap.  "The failure to make a choice is a choice in itself."

[livednlearned]

Good helps feel good, but I do not know if it is because I am not paying attention or if the mistake is greivous for a husband

Who do you feel is responsible for determining what is grievous or not grievous for a husband? When you list the things you did for her, can you take a step back and regard them -- separate from what she thinks or feels -- and evaluate whether these are kind and loving acts?

[hurthusband]

Good helps feel good, but I do not know if it is because I am not paying attention or if the mistake is greivous for a husband

Who do you feel is responsible for determining what is grievous or not grievous for a husband? When you list the things you did for her, can you take a step back and regard them -- separate from what she thinks or feels -- and evaluate whether these are kind and loving acts?

are they kind or just what you are supposed to do as a husband.  nothing above and beyond.  Just what you signed up for.  Like your job when you do what you are asked but you do not get promoted because you did not go above and beyond.  Maybe that is not right way of looking at things.  I am not sure... .

[OnceConfused]

Hurthusband:

I think I did ask you this question but you have not replied. Here I am, asking you the same question again. Please give this simple question some thoughts and try to answer it for your own clarity.

Go back and re-read your own posts here, and pretending that you are somebody who just joints the board and now reads your post. What would you advise him/her to do?

[hurthusband]

Hurthusband:

I think I did ask you this question but you have not replied. Here I am, asking you the same question again. Please give this simple question some thoughts and try to answer it for your own clarity.

Go back and re-read your own posts here, and pretending that you are somebody who just joints the board and now reads your post. What would you advise him/her to do?

I would say run, but logic and emotion do both factor into things.  If you could kill your child to save 1 million lives you do not know, would you do it?  If a country could assassinate the President of another country in order to avoid a conflict, would they do it?  Logically, yes, but morally/ethically, and emotionally it is not necessarily the right thing

There is a chance she could get better.  Now, like yesterday, she called constantly, very emotional.  One minute asking if there is anything I tried.  I tried to shoot down that argument by asking her to do something.  She would then make excuses why we could not or it would not work, or there is nothing to do.  Okay, so that shows me logically something is not right here in her arguments.  She then gets nasty with me.  Saying horrible things.  I may say a couple of mildly not nice things in response before catching myself and leaving conversation.  I am determined to have nothing to do with her.  She wants to file divorce on Monday and I will go with her to do it.  Then later on she texts me and calls crying uncontrollably and saying she cannot handle all of this, and our son tells her that he believes suicide is selfish.  I would never tell her this, but with the pain she is in and not believing in a higher power, if I was here, I would put a bullet in my head. 

My anger melts.  This is like a dog that bites you when you try to help get it out of a bear trap.  You could put the dog down or walk away.  That is fair, but helping is fair too.  I just do no know.  I cannot fix anything, but maybe I can help.  Maybe I will just get hurt and not help at all, but I know if I walk away, things for her will get worse

[OnceConfused]

Hurthusband:

Based on your answer, I believe your suffering is YOURS TO MAKE. THen you should not blame your wife.

You are stuck or feeling stuck because you choose to be stuck. You want your wife to be someone who she is not. You want her to change but she does not want to change, because she thinks her pain and her problems are not HERS, they are yours or your family's. Right there, you are looking at a mount everest to climb.

You indicated that logic and emotion are two different things. Yes, but our emotion, if not carefully checked, will take control of your life.

Let me ask you the same question you posed. I am not talking about an innocent child, but If your child is a mass murderer, would you report or kill him/her in order to save hundreds of more innocent lives ? . Yes , I would. Take the same question to President Truman who dropped the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima to kill 100,000 men, women, and children in order to stop WWII. That was exactly the decision he made , not only once but twice. First on Hiroshima, then on Nagasaki. What do you think about that? especially, if you have a son who was deployed in the Pacific during WWII.

This is exactly why you need to see a therapist, whose job is to help you become less emotional and more logical. This is why you come to this forum, not because you want more emotion but because you want the help to become more logical. Isn't that true?

Also this is exactly why your wife needs to see a professional, whose job is to help her become more logical, in knowing what she does could hurt her family. Isn't that true?

As a non professional and an involved party, you cannot help your wife. In her mind, you are the cause of all of her problems - emotional issues, in your own words. She has to seek help herself. You can help her by letting her know that if she does not get help then you won't be around. Like having a child that does not want to go to school and you try to help that child by continuing giving all they want, including money to live and spend happily. That child will never change, the only way that child will hunker down to study is your threat of cutting of support after so many more times, not forever. That is how you try to teach your children, or anyone - by teaching them how to fish, instead of giving them the fish.

Good luck, my friend. Right now, your problem is YOU. You have to figure out what you need to do.

[hurthusband]

Hurthusband:

Based on your answer, I believe your suffering is YOURS TO MAKE. THen you should not blame your wife.

You are stuck or feeling stuck because you choose to be stuck. You want your wife to be someone who she is not. You want her to change but she does not want to change, because she thinks her pain and her problems are not HERS, they are yours or your family's. Right there, you are looking at a mount everest to climb.

You indicated that logic and emotion are two different things. Yes, but our emotion, if not carefully checked, will take control of your life.

Let me ask you the same question you posed. I am not talking about an innocent child, but If your child is a mass murderer, would you report or kill him/her in order to save hundreds of more innocent lives ? . Yes , I would. Take the same question to President Truman who dropped the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima to kill 100,000 men, women, and children in order to stop WWII. That was exactly the decision he made , not only once but twice. First on Hiroshima, then on Nagasaki. What do you think about that? especially, if you have a son who was deployed in the Pacific during WWII.

This is exactly why you need to see a therapist, whose job is to help you become less emotional and more logical. This is why you come to this forum, not because you want more emotion but because you want the help to become more logical. Isn't that true?

Also this is exactly why your wife needs to see a professional, whose job is to help her become more logical, in knowing what she does could hurt her family. Isn't that true?

As a non professional and an involved party, you cannot help your wife. In her mind, you are the cause of all of her problems - emotional issues, in your own words. She has to seek help herself. You can help her by letting her know that if she does not get help then you won't be around. Like having a child that does not want to go to school and you try to help that child by continuing giving all they want, including money to live and spend happily. That child will never change, the only way that child will hunker down to study is your threat of cutting of support after so many more times, not forever. That is how you try to teach your children, or anyone - by teaching them how to fish, instead of giving them the fish.

Good luck, my friend. Right now, your problem is YOU. You have to figure out what you need to do.

She was flip flopping again.  Saturday was kind and everything was fine when I talked to her over phone.  Took kid to a movie and dinner.  Everything changed after movie though because I had mentioned my mother was asking what was going on for Mothers Day and I had no clue if I was going to be there, my kids or my wife, or what would happen.  She was texting and demeaner had changed so I called her.  My son and I were at dinner.  We talked and she said she would let me and finish eating.  We ate and after dinner, I noticed my phone had blown up with texts.  I had forgotten to take her off block from night before.  I had her son with her on block which is completely wrong.  I apologized profusely for this, but it had been 35 minutes since I talked to her and she knew I was at dinner with him and have him straight home.  I personally believe this all stemmed from Mothers Day issue, but it just went downhill.  She said she was going to invite me home before that and this and that.  I said I am sorry, it was wrong, but I cannot deal with this.  IF she wants to file for divorce on Monday like she is saying, ok.  If she will not let me see kids again, okay... .nothing I can do.

Of course, Sunday she said she wants to give it a week before filing, and that night is upset that she is hurting.  She says I have been more cold and uncaring lately which I say I have been because honestly, while she says she feels I have been mean and cold, I feel the same about her and I am at my wits end.  I love her, but I will not longer live this way.  I will meet her half way but I cannot even get through a conversation without her interrupting me 8 times and saying I am mean for saying how I feel so o well.

This morning, she calls kindly and asking for help with probation officer.  I get her info and she says I can take kids to Boy Scouts again tonight... .go figure. 

She did make point that she thinks part of me will be happy if she dies because my life can go back to normal.  I can honestly say that there would be relief but I do not want it.  I skirted that just saying I do not want her to die.  Maybe invalidating but she will not go back to a doctor and last thing she needs to hear is I would be relieved so she would contort that into me saying i want her dead... .

[EaglesJuju]

I love her, but I will not longer live this way.  I will meet her half way but I cannot even get through a conversation without her interrupting me 8 times and saying I am mean for saying how I feel so o well.

At this point compromise is out of the question.  She is incapable of compromising without her own treatment.

I understand that you love her, but will not continue to live this way.  How do you plan on changing things?