Questions I'd like to ask my uBPDfiance

[dobie]

1.) Did you ever love me ?

2.) I was your best friend your GOTO guy for anything and everything , how could you just discard me so coldly? With so much anger , resentment and lack of empathy ?

3.) Did you fear I was going to leave you at some point ? Is that what all the fear about me stealing your money was  about if I left or not paying the mortgage "because I hate my job"  ? Or was it because you knew you were leaving ?

4.) Was I the love of your life ? I know i was your longest and most adult r/s but did you tell those other men they were the most amazing /handsome / perfect etc

5.) Don't you miss me at all am I so disposable and forgettable were things that bad ?

6.) Did you believe I loved you ?

Is your answer to everything "we are not meant to be"  or "we are not right for each other " or "I feel in my gut we are not meant to be "

when you told me the exact opposite of all those three things over the years

[Heldfast]

Have all the same questions for my exbdnpd fiancée, who left me and immediately started a full relationship with her no longer ex from 7 years ago.

[zundertowz]

I also have alot of the same questions... .I think at one point they did love us and thought we were the love of there lives... .I also think they probably thought that about people in the past and will think that about people in the future.  The adoration is hard to get over and so is the unanswered questions... .I pretty much just look at my ex as a complete fake and try and move on as best I can.

[dobie]

I also have alot of the same questions... .I think at one point they did love us and thought we were the love of there lives... .I also think they probably thought that about people in the past and will think that about people in the future.  The adoration is hard to get over and so is the unanswered questions... .I pretty much just look at my ex as a complete fake and try and move on as best I can.

That's the feeling I got I was "the love of her life " till I became human till she had to go past the idealisation stage .

I know she didn't love her xs they were just supply and need .

[shatterd]

Number 3 dobie... .that one for me is very real... .thats exactly what she said to me a couple times... .she feels to happy in life at these points and it scares them, so they run b4 they get hurt... .ive ben told sevral times its there condition, not us... .does it make it right hell noo, im still confused on that one, after all isnt that what we wanted to be... .settled done happy? u had it all momma i dont get it

great post thank you

[Mike-X]

Good questions. If she were answering with full honesty, what answers do you think she would give, based on your current knowledge of BPD? I have answered questions like this myself as an exercise to try to come to grips with understanding this disorder.  

[dobie]

Number 3 dobie... .that one for me is very real... .thats exactly what she said to me a couple times... .she feels to happy in life at these points and it scares them, so they run b4 they get hurt... .ive ben told sevral times its there condition, not us... .does it make it right hell noo, im still confused on that one, after all isnt that what we wanted to be... .settled done happy? u had it all momma i dont get it

great post thank you

Funny in June /July she was telling me how everything was going so well house/job and she was happy she was scared it would not last

She was always afraid of being happy

[dobie]

Good questions. If she were answering with full honesty, what answers do you think she would give, based on your current knowledge of BPD? I have answered questions like this myself as an exercise to try to come to grips with understanding this disorder.  

1.) Yes as best I could

2.) I don't know I just hate you this is all your fault

3.)  Both

4.) Yes

5.) No I can't think about you so I've blocked you out I'm busy with new distractions thanks

6.) People told me so but I'm not sure

[shatterd]

You becha man they self destruct... .they have too, its how they are... .forever idk but for sure right now

[shatterd]

were those her answers?

[zundertowz]

My ex was planning our wedding ( which I was really just going along with at the time to keep the peace ) to the week after threatning if I didnt leave she would call the cops.  I think there all probably different and constant over analyzing can drive you mad.

[Mike-X]

Number 3 dobie... .that one for me is very real... .thats exactly what she said to me a couple times... .she feels to happy in life at these points and it scares them, so they run b4 they get hurt... .ive ben told sevral times its there condition, not us... .does it make it right hell noo, im still confused on that one, after all isnt that what we wanted to be... .settled done happy? u had it all momma i dont get it

great post thank you

Have you considered the development of BPD and the diagnostic criteria when considering this question? Imagine extreme anxiety associated with love, where feelings of love and closeness trigger that anxiety. I think that it might be challenging to grasp because the common notion and feeling is that love and closeness sooth anxiety and fear, right?  However, it might help to think about it in terms of conditioning (training associations) fear, anxiety, learned helplessness, and it might also help to think about secure versus various forms of insecure attachment seen in children.

[leftconfused]

Is your answer to everything "we are not meant to be"  or "we are not right for each other " or "I feel in my gut we are not meant to be "

when you told me the exact opposite of all those three things over the years

Dobie - I have the same questions as well.  When I asked my exuBPDbf after he told me he wasn't in love with me any more, if he ever really loved me because love doesn't just go away.  He said that he did love me very much, he just didn't feel it anymore.  I also got the same crap above from him.  We aren't meant for each other, we don't have anything in common.  You are a great person with amazing qualities, Im just not the right guy for you.  I mean WHAT? Its a crazy mind ef! I used to be the woman of his dreams, everything he ever wanted in a woman etc.  I always felt that he had a idealistic view of what a relationship should look like.  In the beginning he would say weird things like, this is just like the movies, it has to be real.  WHAT?  Movies aren't real!  then when the newness wore off I think it just wasn't as fun anymore.  I think they think the initial infatuation is what love is and when that dies down they must not love us anymore.  I don't know.  For me it just doesn't matter anymore because the person I fell in love with didn't exist anymore and the man I was seeing then I did not like.  I just keep telling myself that who he presented himself to be wasn't real, it was a fake persona.

[shatterd]

she felt i was  guna leave so she left to protect... .she has to fix that i cant... .lord have i tryd

[dobie]

Is your answer to everything "we are not meant to be"  or "we are not right for each other " or "I feel in my gut we are not meant to be "

when you told me the exact opposite of all those three things over the years


Omg I heard the we have nothing in common bs as well

The trouble with my x is she does not know what she wants so how can anyone have anything in common

One minute I want to buy a house then I don't then I want kids then I don't

Dobie - I have the same questions as well.  When I asked my exuBPDbf after he told me he wasn't in love with me any more, if he ever really loved me because love doesn't just go away.  He said that he did love me very much, he just didn't feel it anymore.  I also got the same crap above from him.  We aren't meant for each other, we don't have anything in common.  You are a great person with amazing qualities, Im just not the right guy for you.  I mean WHAT? Its a crazy mind ef! I used to be the woman of his dreams, everything he ever wanted in a woman etc.  I always felt that he had a idealistic view of what a relationship should look like.  In the beginning he would say weird things like, this is just like the movies, it has to be real.  WHAT?  Movies aren't real!  then when the newness wore off I think it just wasn't as fun anymore.  I think they think the initial infatuation is what love is and when that dies down they must not love us anymore.  I don't know.  For me it just doesn't matter anymore because the person I fell in love with didn't exist anymore and the man I was seeing then I did not like.  I just keep telling myself that who he presented himself to be wasn't real, it was a fake persona.

I just dont know how she kept up the infatuation for 4-5 years !

It started to decline as soon as her father got involved year 4

Omg I heard the we have nothing in common bs as well

The trouble with my x is she does not know what she wants so how can anyone have anything in common

One minute I want to buy a house then I don't then I want kids then I don't

[Mike-X]

Good questions. If she were answering with full honesty, what answers do you think she would give, based on your current knowledge of BPD? I have answered questions like this myself as an exercise to try to come to grips with understanding this disorder.  

1.) Yes as best I could

2.) I don't know I just hate you this is all your fault

3.)  Both

4.) Yes

5.) No I can't think about you so I've blocked you out I'm busy with new distractions thanks

6.) People told me so but I'm not sure

Thanks. I appreciate your responses.

To "1. Do you love me?", I believe that my uBPDgf would say: ":)efinitely 'yes'. However, when I started feeling closer to you as we moved beyond idealization and infatuation as true closeness and love was developing, this overwhelming anxiety developed in me where I feared that you were going to leave me because you would find out that I am empty inside, without a true self, and therefore unworthy of your love. How could the person I idealized find anything worth loving in someone who feels as worthless as I do? As you tied and made progress in soothing the anxiety in the moments that it stirred, I felt even closer to you, but when you weren't around, that anxiety and fear would come back even stronger. So I often felt like I had to flee. I couldn't deal with trying to repair or even to look at the wounds from my past and my true feelings of worthlessness, just too painful, and I couldn't subject you to my switching moods, my feelings of push and pull, my rages, and my paranoia any more. I needed to keep suppressing the emptiness and feelings of worthlessness. And finally, I just ran to escape it all."

[dobie]

Mine thought the next 5-10 years would be the same 

Its ridiculous they don't know what they want just like a kid

[dagwoodbowser]

These are all good questions that I have often thought to myself, to ask. The bigger problem is you will likely just get the assuring WORDS you are seeking but thats all you'll get. Hollow, easily dispensed empty and meaningless Words with right touch of vocal angst and vibrato, maybe even an Academy Award winning dialogue with real tears.

When I first met my BPDx she was in a pathetic situation. Living in poverty with her mom and 2 small children. She was a high school drop out, no job, didnt drive and after really doing all I could to show her I was genuine by waking up early every morning to pick her up and kids so they wouldnt walk in the cold, taking her grocery shopping, laundramat, helping with bills, etc. After 3 months of my firm commitment to this routine her phone was always blowing up and she wouldnt stop texting. My gut told me something wasnt right. One night I finally picked up her phone while she slept. Lots and lots of graphic, sexual exchanges. Didnt sleep that night and stayed up till she was awake. I asked and for the first as well as last time she told me the truth and admitted she was making money via prostitution.  Did I run out the door? Was I furious with rage? No... .I was deeply saddened with empathy for her plight and was more determined to help her find a better life.

There it was and is. I am a People Pleaser. A co-dependent. I am dysfunctional myself in that I want to be needed, wanted and ultimately tapped and petted on the head and told Att'a Boy! Good job, well done! for my good deeds. She was a Taker, I was a Giver. She was my Yang to my Ying. Two Half People that made One Twisted Person.

I helped her prep for her GED, get on some social services, took her to church regularly, off some of the harder drugs, she got her own place and eventually a great job. Does she recognize any of this? Hardly. She was still telling her family what a jerk I was, lying and cheating and still dropped me.

Did I achieve my goal to make her life for her and children better? Yes. Was I pissed because I never got my needs met? Of course. But at end of the day my reality is that I did what I did for my needs. That need to be wanted, appreciated. Never did get or likely never will get that Atta Boy or Good Job Well Done from her because she Cant. For almost 3 years I waited for all the right answers, the cheating to stop and some vindication. I have finally accepted that will never come.

Hope you have better luck getting the responses you seek dobie.

[zundertowz]

ive always felt that there is a honeymoon stage in any relationship and after that is over BPDs do not know how to handle adult problems.  Theres no relationship that is a fairytale and as soon as there are bumps in the road you see the true them.  They are too immature to put in the work to have an adult relationship.  Thats why they bounce from guy to guy to keep the honeymoon stage going.  There was a time when I bought her crap about being the best thing that ever happened to her and her soulmate but im smart enough now to realize I was one of many throughout the years.

[Mike-X]

Mine thought the next 5-10 years would be the same 

Its ridiculous they don't know what they want just like a kid

I understand the sentiment expressed here. However, I don't feel that thinking about BPD symptoms in this way is helpful, because it seems to trivialize what can be a very serious mental disorder that requires hospitalization for some patients. Self-harming, suicide, years of damaged relationships are all serious issues, and I would imagine that if a person with even less extreme BPD could snap their fingers to change the way their mind was working they would. Wouldn't you? My concern is that saying that "they don't know what they want just like a kid" might lead to thinking the a person with BPD "just needs to grow up and start acting like an adult." Although I appreciate the analogy to describe the behavior and what might be the underlying issue of arrested development, I have concerns about how such analogies might lead to misconceptions regarding treatment and the potential seriousness of the illness. Similar sorts of issues come up in the worlds of ADHD, depression, anxiety disorder, and other mental health problems.

[dobie]

ive always felt that there is a honeymoon stage in any relationship and after that is over BPDs do not know how to handle adult problems.  Theres no relationship that is a fairytale and as soon as there are bumps in the road you see the true them.  They are too immature to put in the work to have an adult relationship.  Thats why they bounce from guy to guy to keep the honeymoon stage going.  There was a time when I bought her crap about being the best thing that ever happened to her and her soulmate but im smart enough now to realize I was one of many throughout the years.

Mine was just selfish toy doesent work get new toy

She does not know what 50 - 50 is let alone giving more than she takes

[Mike-X]

ive always felt that there is a honeymoon stage in any relationship and after that is over BPDs do not know how to handle adult problems.  Theres no relationship that is a fairytale and as soon as there are bumps in the road you see the true them.  They are too immature to put in the work to have an adult relationship.  Thats why they bounce from guy to guy to keep the honeymoon stage going.  There was a time when I bought her crap about being the best thing that ever happened to her and her soulmate but im smart enough now to realize I was one of many throughout the years.

My understanding is that there are developmental issues. However, I would say that the issues for people with BPD are much deeper than just not know how to handle adult problems, and the diagnostic criteria suggest much deeper problems to me anyway. I guess it might depend on what you mean by adult problems and being too immature.

[shatterd]

mike X, i do agree, please dont take this as a slandering against them... .i tryd for years with mine  she just wont get the help she needs... .and i was advised to look after me right now and my kids... .stop thinkng about her they say... .well i think most of us here at this point... .beating a dead horse... .i still care about mine and ya i still love her... .would she ever have another chance at me... .that answer is u known    check back with me in 5 years    but dont hold ur breath

[Indiegrl]

Quote from Mike-x

To "1. Do you love me?", I believe that my uBPDgf would say: ":)efinitely 'yes'. However, when I started feeling closer to you as we moved beyond idealization and infatuation as true closeness and love was developing, this overwhelming anxiety developed in me where I feared that you were going to leave me because you would find out that I am empty inside, without a true self, and therefore unworthy of your love. How could the person I idealized find anything worth loving in someone who feels as worthless as I do? As you tied and made progress in soothing the anxiety in the moments that it stirred, I felt even closer to you, but when you weren't around, that anxiety and fear would come back even stronger. So I often felt like I had to flee. I couldn't deal with trying to repair or even to look at the wounds from my past and my true feelings of worthlessness, just too painful, and I couldn't subject you to my switching moods, my feelings of push and pull, my rages, and my paranoia any more. I needed to keep suppressing the emptiness and feelings of worthlessness. And finally, I just ran to escape it all."

Amen. This is exactly what I think my man would feel/ say as well. Well... .at least up till the third last sentence starting with a "I couldn't subject you to" 

[Mike-X]

mike X, i do agree, please dont take this as a slandering against them... .i tryd for years with mine  she just wont get the help she needs... .and i was advised to look after me right now and my kids... .stop thinkng about her they say... .well i think most of us here at this point... .beating a dead horse... .i still care about mine and ya i still love her... .would she ever have another chance at me... .that answer is u known    check back with me in 5 years    but dont hold ur breath

Thanks shatterd. I have appreciated your comments, all that has been shared in this thread, and the opportunity to share my thoughts and feelings. I definitely understand the range of frustrations and mixed feelings that emerge from a relationship and breakup with someone with BPD. I am definitely glad that this site is here so that we can all share our experiences and help each other work toward healing.

[Mike-X]

Quote from Mike-x

To "1. Do you love me?", I believe that my uBPDgf would say: ":)efinitely 'yes'. However, when I started feeling closer to you as we moved beyond idealization and infatuation as true closeness and love was developing, this overwhelming anxiety developed in me where I feared that you were going to leave me because you would find out that I am empty inside, without a true self, and therefore unworthy of your love. How could the person I idealized find anything worth loving in someone who feels as worthless as I do? As you tied and made progress in soothing the anxiety in the moments that it stirred, I felt even closer to you, but when you weren't around, that anxiety and fear would come back even stronger. So I often felt like I had to flee. I couldn't deal with trying to repair or even to look at the wounds from my past and my true feelings of worthlessness, just too painful, and I couldn't subject you to my switching moods, my feelings of push and pull, my rages, and my paranoia any more. I needed to keep suppressing the emptiness and feelings of worthlessness. And finally, I just ran to escape it all."

Amen. This is exactly what I think my man would feel/ say as well. Well... .at least up till the third last sentence starting with a "I couldn't subject you to" 

My uBPDgf only said that she was "sorry" a couple of times, and those weren't for raging, accusations of cheating, and such. However, at least early on after a period of dysregulation, she would do things for me to symbolically apologize, and she even explicitly said once that "some people try to apologize by doing things." Toward the end of the relationship, she quit doing those things. However, my bet would be that the shame and guilt were still there, but her paranoia seemed stronger, lasting longer with shorter periods in between, and defense mechanisms were probably at full tilt. In my mind, it was like she became caught in a cycle of shame/guilt triggering insecurity/rage triggering more shame/guilt and so on. The escalation over the course of the relationship added to that feeling of it being a cycle.

Let me add that after she moved out, she got upset one time and sent a flurry of texts. When we later talked about it, she made of point of saying that she focused on being justified in being upset over three specific facts (actual texts that she was upset about from early in the relationship) in the flurry that she sent and didn't bring up any of the unsubstantiated issues that she had fumed over in the past (accusations that I was having an affair, had never loved her, etc.). So it was as if moving out did seem to calm her inner turmoil and allow her to break from or at least de-escilate the cycle.

[rlhmm]

To "1. Do you love me?", I believe that my uBPDgf would say: ":)efinitely 'yes'. However, when I started feeling closer to you as we moved beyond idealization and infatuation as true closeness and love was developing, this overwhelming anxiety developed in me where I feared that you were going to leave me because you would find out that I am empty inside, without a true self, and therefore unworthy of your love. How could the person I idealized find anything worth loving in someone who feels as worthless as I do? As you tied and made progress in soothing the anxiety in the moments that it stirred, I felt even closer to you, but when you weren't around, that anxiety and fear would come back even stronger. So I often felt like I had to flee. I couldn't deal with trying to repair or even to look at the wounds from my past and my true feelings of worthlessness, just too painful, and I couldn't subject you to my switching moods, my feelings of push and pull, my rages, and my paranoia any more. I needed to keep suppressing the emptiness and feelings of worthlessness. And finally, I just ran to escape it all."                                                                                                                                                                 Wow MikeX!  this is exactly what my exBPDfiance did... .right here... .this is it! you nailed it! this is what i have come to believe from all that i have learned from sources and this website.  all of her actions that i witnessed, statements she said, EVERYTHING led to this outcome. nothing i could have done in this world would have prevented the eventual outcome... .NOTHING!  thank you for this. i'm saving this... .hell i might even frame it!     

[Achaya]

I share the experience of discovering that my ex didn't know what she wanted in life. She make a decision and head off well in some direction, but then she would change her mind and also get depressed. She has a history of false starts in every part of her life and it makes her feel like a failure, as she is fact "behind" her peers.

I agree that BPD is a serious illness, but I also think that along with the fancy internal dynamics, like unstable part selves, pwBPD tend to have certain weaknesses in their characters. Marsha Linehan has said that they are inclined towards passivity and avoidance, and will opt for those kinds of problem-solving strategies rather than proactive ones. I think we can safely also say that pwBPD are typically very egocentric, selfish and inconsiderate in their thinking and behavior, but this can vary a lot over time.

One of things I found challenging in relating to my ex was figuring out when to confront a behavior that reflected a character weakness, such as an inclination to be passive and dependent and lazy, versus offer support if my partner was depressed. I doubt if anyone can figure this out and get it right. I think I put up with way too much bad behavior, some of which included acting out BPD style, like allowing oneself to slip into passive-aggressive nastiness and making no effort to control that.

[dobie]

I think looking back I was very passive in the last few years I went  into myself and got complacent so when the idealisation cooled instead of being more pro active to keep the r/s alive  I was feeling like we had reached that next stage of comfort and security I remember thinking wow this is cool she has calmed down we/I can relax . just before we broke up I remember thinking "how much better things were"



While for her she was desperately trying to remember the reasons she fell in love with me and trying to get me back to that exciting , dynamic , interesting, exciting  man she first met . I was happy to just sit on the sofa hold hands and watch a movie

She needs constant stimulation its pretty exhausting I'm an introverted / extrovert

Her emotional distancing , constant needs  and all the stress in my life just made me go further inside myself while she was wanting me to "come out "

In fact one of the reasons she left her x was because they ended up just watching TV

She needs constant reassurance , soothing , leadership , hand holding , excitement and distractions she also can't give as much as she takes so you better be low maintaince .

Exhausting is a word people who know her use to describe her and I think that's accurate

Hindsight is such a pita  

Its so frustrating I never got the chance to discuss all this with her after the b/u I got a few phone chats in the first few weeks of the b/u while emotions were running high

Since then she won't allow me to give my say I'm blocked and ignored emails I don't even know if she has read etc

Hence why I posted my questions on here ... .Its typically of her she has had her say made her mind up and the r/s is boxed up for her and put on the shelf with a big label saying DO NOT OPEN !

[Achaya]

I think looking back I was very passive in the last few years I went  into myself and got complacent so when the idealisation cooled instead of being more pro active to keep the r/s alive  I was feeling like we had reached that next stage of comfort and security I remember thinking wow this is cool she has calmed down we/I can relax . just before we broke up I remember thinking "how much better things were"


LOL! I am so familiar with everything you posted here. I was enjoying the couch also! The way my ex acted at the end, I don't think she was anxious about how close we were, I think she was bored. Not enough trauma drama.