That is a rabbit hole to avoid I think, dobie. In a normal relationship with a difference in preferred stimulation levels, I think it makes sense to look at compromises. With a BPD partner I don't think we nonBPDs can ever provide exactly what the BPD partners think they need from us to feel better. My understanding of my pwBPD is that she had some very bad feelings going on a lot of the time. She dealt with the bad feelings by going numb somehow, then she wanted more stimulation to override that. One of the bad feelings was anxiety, and then she would be driven by adrenalin to be restless and agitated.
Like you, I knocked myself out trying to satisfy my partner's ever changing cravings for attention or for no attention or whatever. When she left me saying she wanted "more." I thought, "More than what I gave?--lots of luck finding that." But I am realistic enough to know she will find someone else who wants to try to provide whatever she wants.
I think that, when we relax and stop trying so hard to regulate our partner's mood, they are thrown back on themselves. Bpd people don't like to pick up that responsibility for regulating themselves and they don't know how, so they start casting around for new distractions and regulators.
Thanks achaya that's a real insight for me , she was always stressed or anxious I just thought it was her but I can see now that type of high stimulation level she was experiencing is part of her BPD and why we were probably such a high conflict couple I'm highly stimulated as well but not as much as her .
She used to work long hours she needs distractions I see that now or rather the underlying reasons if she didn't feel anxious or stressed she was melancholy it was very unusual for her to just have a normal level baseline .
Funny one of her reasons for leaving is we are both anxious/stressed types which is true but I think she would be bored restless with a very mellow guy
