On my way home...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I hope everyone reads this and can apply it to him/herself... .

I stayed late at work today to get caught up (I'm a high school teacher)... .then I stopped at my mother's house on the way home.  Next I stopped at the store. Low and behold, it was 7 o'clock before I got home! And as I was driving home, it occurred to me that if my BPD ex were still in my life and in my home, I would be scared to death to walk in the door.  There is not a single doubt in my mind that my afternoon errands would have ended in a knock-down drag out fight... .even though I would've certainly texted and let him know where I was... .he would have been blowin up my phone and would have literally come undone when I walked in the door. I am forty years old for crying out loud... .

So, as I was driving home (all of these places including my work are within a three mile radius of my house)... .it occurred to me that I could just be relaxed and go home without being scared to death and "paying the price" for working late, going to my mom's, and going to the grocery store.

I do still miss him, but I realized how much SIMPLER and more PEACEFUL my life is now that he is gone... .on this board, we talk about all of sadness and emptiness we feel, but I think we should also try to acknowledge that our lives without BPD partner are definitely calmer and... .Dare I say this--BETTER.

[Wood stock]

I hope everyone reads this and can apply it to him/herself... .

I stayed late at work today to get caught up (I'm a high school teacher)... .then I stopped at my mother's house on the way home.  Next I stopped at the store. Low and behold, it was 7 o'clock before I got home! And as I was driving home, it occurred to me that if my BPD ex were still in my life and in my home, I would be scared to death to walk in the door.  There is not a single doubt in my mind that my afternoon errands would have ended in a knock-down drag out fight... .even though I would've certainly texted and let him know where I was... .he would have been blowin up my phone and would have literally come undone when I walked in the door. I am forty years old for crying out loud... .

So, as I was driving home (all of these places including my work are within a three mile radius of my house)... .it occurred to me that I could just be relaxed and go home without being scared to death and "paying the price" for working late, going to my mom's, and going to the grocery store.

I do still miss him, but I realized how much SIMPLER and more PEACEFUL my life is now that he is gone... .on this board, we talk about all of sadness and emptiness we feel, but I think we should also try to acknowledge that our lives without BPD partner are definitely calmer and... .Dare I say this--BETTER.

[LimboFL]

Amen, sister Wood Stock. I was going to get into details about how I used to drive home from work (an hour) and spent two years worrying if she was going to have stopped off at the bar on the way home from her own job, when I wouldn't get any sort of notification and then when I would text her, nothing. then she would show up at 11 pm trashed and I was supposed to just accept it.

There were times when she would ask e to go shopping and as a former chef, the trip to the store was a fun adventure not to mention that she would always have some off the wall, organic, something or another that required the assistance of 3 store people to find, then when I got home, I would get the dress down about how long I took and how she simply couldn't understand how anyone could take that long for a simple store run. Then, if I made a mistake on a brand or picked up a veg by accident that wasn't organic, it was the end of the world.

Then there was the one week off and one week on of having my son with me (she really didn't participate) and the stress that came with his acting like any normal new teenager (rebel slightly). Or if his friends showed up nicely, or my having to always refuse to allow sleep overs, for fear of her locking herself up in the bedroom and then expressing her disaproval if they were laughing quietly at 11pm.

I was just thinking about it today, as I picked up my son from school, how I didn't have to sweat any of it anymore. I keep my son in check, I can assure you, but I also give him room to breathe and be a teenage boy. Even having dinner, together, was a stress. If he wasn't a choir boy or if he didn't put his napkin on his lap the minute he sat at the table and then jump to clear the table and wash the dishes. I mean, I have said this countless times on this board, many of the things she railed about were in theory correct. The ideal child would read a book upon waking from their slumber on a Saturday morning, the ideal child would mow the lawn, do the laundry, write a short story and paint a painting all before mid day, but my son is 13 years old and surfs, skateboards, hangs with his buddies etc. He is a good kid, but not the model child.

Anyway, you absolutely hit on something critical in all of this. I still love my ex BPD and miss the good parts of my ex. I know that she meant well and simply didn't know how to cope, short of resorting to how she was raised by her very difficult and demanding Mother and what the books say a kid should be and what a parent should be. Life doesn't work that way.So, yes, for as much as I have lamented the b/u, by God, so much stress has been lifted. It is taking over, the mental comfort of simply being able to be without criticism, judgement, stress etc. Keep in mind, before my ex BPD, I was with my ex wife for 20 years and while she too had her moments and was herself hard on me, by comparison it was like being on holiday.

It went so far beyond that, as I tool care of her dogs (whom I loved like my own and whom I had to leave to leave the relationship), to clean the house (because for as much as she would hammer down on me for not doing things properly, if I didn't clean the place, she wasn't going to short of a half hearted effort here or there and mostly her own affairs we taken care of).

I could go on and on, but yes, it is a huge relief. Great post!

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Great post, Wood stock!  It is so easy to focus on what we don't want that we forget what we do want and what we do have.  Glad you brought it up. 

Even having dinner, together, was a stress. If he wasn't a choir boy or if he didn't put his napkin on his lap the minute he sat at the table and then jump to clear the table and wash the dishes. I mean, I have said this countless times on this board, many of the things she railed about were in theory correct. The ideal child would read a book upon waking from their slumber on a Saturday morning, the ideal child would mow the lawn, do the laundry, write a short story and paint a painting all before mid day, but my son is 13 years old and surfs, skateboards, hangs with his buddies etc. He is a good kid, but not the model child.

Limbo, your son sounds like an awesome kid!  Surfs, skateboards, hangs out with his buddies.  :)oing the things that a 13 year old boy should do.  And getting to now do them with a dad who isn't stressed out all the time, eating dinner not stressed out all the time, in a home that isn't stressed out all the time.  Bring on the sleepovers!

[LimboFL]

Thank you Reclaiming! You can't know how hard on myself I was that my son wasn't that model child. I mean she used to say to me " I have been around countless kids, that I baby sat for, that were well mannered and well behaved etc etc." I really started feeling like a really poor Father. One of her favorite put downs was "well, if you weren't ready to be that Father maybe you shouldn't have had a child... .some people just shouldn't have children" You can't know how much that killed me inside, how deeply that cut into me. "Your just not a very good Father". And again, my mind would always go to "He should be doing this and that, because that is what the books tell us is the way it should be.

These were the times where I simply couldn't not get worked up and stirred up. She would work me up into a mental frenzy pushing these buttons in me like someone standing at a traffic light trying to get the light to turn from green to red. It was debilitating, so yes, I do not miss that and yes, my son and I just hang and he gets to just be.

[Mister Brightside]

Thank you for the positive post, Wood stock. I think some of us got addicted to the drama (something BPD's apparently suffer), so the calmness, at least in my life, adds to the feeling of emptiness. I agree with you though--it's a positive thing. It just doesn't seem like it yet. Also, we experienced them when they were on good behavior (particularly in our idealization stages), so it's difficult to mourn the "death" of who we thought they were. Anyway, I'm taking away from your positivity. I'm going to try to focus on the ideas of your post as I try to move on (living in peace, which is my true nature, a peacemaker, and being with a BPD goes against who I am).

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Thank you Reclaiming! You can't know how hard on myself I was that my son wasn't that model child. I mean she used to say to me " I have been around countless kids, that I baby sat for, that were well mannered and well behaved etc etc." I really started feeling like a really poor Father. One of her favorite put downs was "well, if you weren't ready to be that Father maybe you shouldn't have had a child... .some people just shouldn't have children" You can't know how much that killed me inside, how deeply that cut into me. "Your just not a very good Father". And again, my mind would always go to "He should be doing this and that, because that is what the books tell us is the way it should be.

Limbo, to her I say, "yeah, yeah" (while making the hand motion for jerking off!  sorry to be crass but it is true).  Screw that.  Is that really the kid you want to raise?  The kid you want to hang out with?  The kid who can't relax or have fun.  More importantly, is that the dad you want to be?  Uptight, rigid raising "model" children?

While responding to Limbo, I think this lends itself to all of us and to Wood stock's OP.  Is the stressed-out, uptight environment what we would want for our kids?  For ourselves?  What a miserable way to live. 

I did not grow up with any PD in my household.  While my folks were married, dinner was a family affair which involved eating and  then right into cleaning the kitchen.  But after my parents divorced, dinners at my dad's were so leisurely.  He'd cook for us. we'd eat. and then HANG OUT.  Seemed like for hours.  We'd just shoot the sh*t.  It was so relaxed and fun.  Somehow we got our HW done but we visited. Those are some of my fondest memories.  We all deserve that with our partners.  The just hanging, being together, enjoying each other spirit.  Not all that insufferable angst and drama!

[LimboFL]

Thank you again, Reclaiming. this is a part of my story that I haven't spoken a great deal about. It was probably the hardest part to absorb and your response has touched me quite deeply. Before my ex BPD, for 10 years before she even knew him and before my divorce, I was the one who dropped him off and picked him up at school, I was the one who took him to baseball practice and spent my weekend days sitting around, for hours, while he would fly around the bowl at the skate park. Then the divorce, the division of time. My ex BPD refused to believe any of what I tried to tell her about my involvement in his life.

Anyway, sorry, Wood Stock, you hit on a real soft spot with this topic so I am releasing on a matter that I have not really touched on. Your post is a solid reminder of what I don't miss and what I will never allow to invade my sphere again. Thank you and thanks again Reclaiming!

[myself]

That's great, Wood stock, am happy for your peace. I hope we all find it in our lives. I'm still sad sometimes when I come home and she's not here, but like you it's better than finding out that she suddenly doesn't love me as much again, is moving out again, wants to fight again and accuse me of things I didn't do again... .So I've been finding things to do in these peaceful times, getting back to being me without external restrictions, projections, complications... .Sometimes that's just sitting here appreciating the peace. It sure helps with letting go. How about you? If you don't mind saying, what are you doing in these quieter times to bring the focus back around to You?

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Thank you again, Reclaiming. this is a part of my story that I haven't spoken a great deal about. It was probably the hardest part to absorb and your response has touched me quite deeply. Before my ex BPD, for 10 years before she even knew him and before my divorce, I was the one who dropped him off and picked him up at school, I was the one who took him to baseball practice and spent my weekend days sitting around, for hours, while he would fly around the bowl at the skate park. Then the divorce, the division of time. My ex BPD refused to believe any of what I tried to tell her about my involvement in his life.

Anyway, sorry, Wood Stock, you hit on a real soft spot with this topic so I am releasing on a matter that I have not really touched on. Your post is a solid reminder of what I don't miss and what I will never allow to invade my sphere again. Thank you and thanks again Reclaiming!

Limbo and Wood stock, this is a soft spot.  The price we/I paid for our/my r/s was bad enough.  At least there was some payoff for me (sex, idealization, etc).  The price my kids paid feels unbearable.  The havoc that has been wreaked in my daughter's life (in particular, my son too but to a lesser degree) is something I never in a million years would have imagined or wanted for her.  And yet, I am the one who brought this man into her life.  She never even met him.  But the damage has been done.  Deeply done.  I f*cking hate that.  And I hate that I had anything - everything - to do with it. 

Thank God, I am grateful that it isn't ongoing.  The past must be recovered from but Glory to God, the future is not the same.  This is what we have now, thank you Wood stock.  What we give to our kids and what we give to ourselves.  A chance to recover. A chance to hang out at the skate park or wherever we want for as long as we want without the biting criticism of someone else and just be.  A shot at peace.  At happiness. 

Limbo, you sound like a great dad.  With a great kid.  Thinking of y'all hanging out like that makes me smile!

[Wood stock]

It's so nice to hear all of your responses to my post--I am glad it has helped--this folks on this forum have helped me so so much. I'm glad to have returned the favor, so to speak.

To address the question from "myself"... .I am keeping very busy just working around my house and taking care of so many of the things (for example, my bills and accounts and financial affairs) that I had let go because I was too busy dealing with the drama of the relationship. I'm slowly picking up the pieces. Literally. And my kids... .my focus is back on my two wonderful kids. And they are glad to have their mom back and have some sense of order back in our home.

[LimboFL]

Wonderful news Wood Stock. Every day I say to myself, I can't go back to BPD Family because it only serves to remind me of what I am trying to forget but then I run into posts like yours and remember that there remains a lot to absorb in the shared experiences. It jogs the memory and awakens areas that we might have left buried in the back of our minds or simply didn't speak about. It helps to get them out in the open.

As you say, our kids didn't have a choice.

Hugs to all and huge hugs to our children. How lucky we are that their love is truly unconditional, because they stand by us, accepted and even loved our partners (some) despite knowing that something was wrong. My son certainly tried his absolute best to forgive my exBPD, for how she sometimes treated him and more so how she treated me, in  front of him. He felt all of the stress but bore it like a champ. In the end though, he could no longer forgive her. How lucky we are, as parents.

[DyingLove]

If I may get involved:

Since I've left the BPDexgf, I've not raised my voice, I've not gotten angry or frustrated with anything. Quite often I had gotten mad for many various reasons, the ex, the kid, ex's family. I've always been a calm and low keyed guy.  Not to say I couldn't be loud, because I was a business man, but for the most part, quiet-ish. I'd have to say that after the first year of interacting with my ex, I became more pronounced in my attitude which of course she didn't like because I stopped being as much of a doormat. At the very end, maybe 2-3 weeks before I actually left the ex in Fl., I started becoming very anxious. When she got home, I would just tremble, sometimes my whole body but at least my hands and arms would tremble and I'd get chilly.  I don't tremble anymore. My nerves are more relaxed obviously.  And I like it!

I am not counting emotions related to the B/U because I have been angry and emotional and frustrated. When no one is around, I vent to myself and to God and at that time all bets are off.

If I look back to when I was rescued and brought back to NY, I have to honestly say that I've improved by leaps and bounds. Really. The problem with that is, I've been cloudy in my mind and I cannot really appreciate how far I've come. Does this make sense? I did not go from dead to alive (the way she went from love to hate) in the same day. It has been a gradual process, slow and steady. Today is 48 days N/C. It doesn't seem like much, but for comparison sakes I know people applaud that amount. I'm sure one day I will be proud again as well as able to enjoy and appreciate things.  Thank you Wood stock and everyone.

[dobie]

I'm an uptight stressed type or can be (working on it) I have to say I do not miss coming in the door to her moans , stress and conflict

I remember before she left I was sleeping in the spare bedroom and she was raging at the neighbours for walking up and down on the ceiling  and I prayed she would not come into my room and just leave me be

I don't think I noticed how stress inducing she is because I'm a high uptight type

I can't imagine a mellow kinda guy tolerating that day in day out perhaps they can ?

[ReclaimingMyLife]

If I look back to when I was rescued and brought back to NY, I have to honestly say that I've improved by leaps and bounds. Really. The problem with that is, I've been cloudy in my mind and I cannot really appreciate how far I've come.

I don't think I noticed how stress inducing she is because I'm a high uptight type

These comments remind me of my ten year marriage (to a NON).  About three YEARS after it was over, I was sitting at stoplight at a very non-descript intersection near a Krystal, of all places, when it hit me:  "WOW, that was so hard, living like that was so hard, I didn't even know how hard it was, thank God, I am so happy, I have another shot at my life." 

I had just gotten so used to living that way, daily conflict, daily angst, daily struggle.  It was "normal" for me so it was hard to see, as dobie said, how stress inducing it was. 

And like DyingLove, it was hard to appreciate how far I'd come.  Indeed, it took me three freaking YEARS to notice!  And even then I wasn't looking to notice, I just serendipitously did so.  So, let's don't be too hard on ourselves if we haven't yet totally noticed how hard it was and/or how far we've come. 

Thank heavens, we are making the journey and we'll know it some day!

[DyingLove]

Good post Reclaiming. Congrats to you as well my friend.

Were you talking about a Krystal's burger? The closest thing to white castles!  Now I'm hungry!  ;-)