How long until I can start healing?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Just had a really bad downer. i am finding so many little things are triggers for me in missing xBPD, and I am getting upset and bottling it in, and feel like i am becoming a pressure cooker and im not sure how i am going to explode. i am so missing my independence, my lifestyle, my home, my job, i am so angry that theres been no negative consequences for her, im the only poor prick thats suffering, her lifes gone on like nothings happened. its so unfair. i running ot of steam and im only at just over 8 weeks!

[runningup]

Just had a really bad downer. i am finding so many little things are triggers for me in missing xBPD, and I am getting upset and bottling it in, and feel like i am becoming a pressure cooker and im not sure how i am going to explode. i am so missing my independence, my lifestyle, my home, my job, i am so angry that theres been no negative consequences for her, im the only poor prick thats suffering, her lifes gone on like nothings happened. its so unfair. i running ot of steam and im only at just over 8 weeks!

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Just had a really bad downer. i am finding so many little things are triggers for me in missing xBPD, and I am getting upset and bottling it in, and feel like i am becoming a pressure cooker and im not sure how i am going to explode. i am so missing my independence, my lifestyle, my home, my job, i am so angry that theres been no negative consequences for her, im the only poor prick thats suffering, her lifes gone on like nothings happened. its so unfair. i running ot of steam and im only at just over 8 weeks!

Breathe, you will get through this. At times it may feel as though your soul is chained to the bed, you may literally feel a cramp in your chest, but you will get through this. I am 8 months out, 33 days nc and I still have days like you. You will heal at your own pace just don't interfere with your grieving.

    I know right now it may seem like they frolic off into the sunset and I have to remind myself of this at times but, She is broken inside. You will heal. She doesn't have that luxury unless she seeks help.

[runningup]

Nobody seems to get my grieving, they assume after what she did, and what she cost me what I must magically have a undying hatred for her that overpowers any reason to grieve. But I hurt, I miss, i yearn, I am at 8 weeks after split, the last 2 weeks have gone backwards. I am also only at 2 days NC, had gone longer, but I broke NC to drop in and ask for some stuff back, got door slammed in my face.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Nobody seems to get my grieving, they assume after what she did, and what she cost me what I must magically have a undying hatred for her that overpowers any reason to grieve. But I hurt, I miss, i yearn, I am at 8 weeks after split, the last 2 weeks have gone backwards. I am also only at 2 days NC, had gone longer, but I broke NC to drop in and ask for some stuff back, got door slammed in my face.

It gets worse before it gets better. I have days where I feel like I am finally getting ahead of this mess and then surprise! Just kidding! I have to b-line it to the bathroom to over come a grief attack! Most outsiders aren't going to get it. I don't think you understand a relationship between a non and someone that has BPD unless you are in it. Coming on here, writing, crying, grieving, and comforting yourself will get you thru this. it is hard enough for us to understand this disorder, let alone someone whom hasn't lived in the shoes of the relationship. Keep posting, you aren't alone.

[enlighten me]

Ive been there twice. UBPD ex wife and ex gf.

It does get easier. It may not feel like it ever will but it does.

Try writing a list of all the bad things and good about the relationship then examine each point. Where the good really that good or was it only good because their needs were being met? Was the sex really that good or if you really think about it was it one sided and left you feeling used?

Ou feel

Look at the bad. How did it make you feel? Do you want to live feeling like that?

You have to remember pwBPD mirror you. They become your dream person. You think youve found your soulmate. This is why we grieve the loss. We feel we have lost what we have always been seeking.

Part of any grieving process is anger. Anger is good. Its a release. Use this for self improvement. Do a course to show them in your head your not stupid. Exercise to show you are healthy. Take up a hobby to prove you have other interests. If you can afford it go on holiday and do something youve always wanted to. I went to turkey and learnt to scuba dive. I stayed in a cheap and nasty b and b with no aircon but it was one of the most theraputic things I have done.

Distraction is another useful tool. The more you do the less you think about them.

Wishing you all the best EM.

[runningup]

You have to remember pwBPD mirror you. They become your dream person. You think youve found your soulmate. This is why we grieve the loss. We feel we have lost what we have always been seeking.

This I think is the hardest part, because I have depression, and I felt like I had met my perfect match after so long.

The sex was great, again because it was mirrored, but boundaries got pushed that I found at times shouldnt have been, but I was trying to do right by her.

I went off at my father earlier, he was standing back watching me break down, and did nothing, I yelled at him to come and hug me, I went off because it reminded me so much of the xBPD, she would see me hurting and do nothing, if anything she would get angry at me.

She always keep telling me I made everything about her, even the BPD, that I kept making it all about how the BPD and her actions made me feel.

[enlighten me]

Thats the problem. We believe we arent doing enouhh. Arent supportive enough. When you look at the ratio of self sacrifice it is nearly all by us. The little they do is done begrudgingly andthen thrown in our face.

Have you seen a therapist? I ask this as with depression it could really be of help. Im a fairly strong person but I was on the point of going to the doctors for anti depressant when I was with my exgf. im also certain i left the relationship with PTSD. Im an ex soldier and since leaving the army have worked in afghanistan and iraq. Nothing i encountered even phased me but my two uBPD exs really got to me. It just goes to show how emotionally battered a BPD relationship can leave you.

[Plonko]

The fact that you're grieving is a sign that you're perfectly normal.

It's ok to grieve, it's ok to be upset, it's ok to cry, it's ok to be angry, it's ok to be confused, it's ok to to feel all these things that are NORMAL feelings when you have lost a loved one.

It's probaly even ok to beat yourself up a bit and question why you feel all of these feelings. It's just another NORMAL reaction to the situation.

As far as when you'll start healing? You've already started. Unfortunately when the healing process starts off, it's very very difficult. It does however gradually get less difficult.

Hang in there... .it's worth it.

[runningup]

Its funny you mention PTSD, I was wondering if this situation could cause me to have these symptoms?

I started seeing a psych this week, got an appt each week for next few weeks to try and help, just a 4 hr round trip back to my old town, which messes me up a bit in itself.

Its friday night here, Im sitting alone watching some TV on my laptop, far cry from cuddling up on the couch in my own home watching something on the big screen then retreating to bed, feeling skin on skin contact, spooning... .blah... .the stuff you miss hey

[Dunder]

Thats the problem. We believe we arent doing enouhh. Arent supportive enough. When you look at the ratio of self sacrifice it is nearly all by us. The little they do is done begrudgingly andthen thrown in our face.

Very true for me too. I was the rock, the giver, the "everything's going to be fine" person. I'd talk her out of her sadness and talk her down from her anger. I was the listener, a great listener, I didn't judge, I was her faithful supporter, her personal therapist. But the roles never flipped when I needed to talk out something, when I had a bad day, or if I was agonizing over an important decision. She would just dictate to me the solution as she saw it and that was that. I didn't know at the time she was literally incapable of empathy so I saw her "unwillingness" to be supportive as selfishness or worse, as a sign that she didn't care about me, that she was with me only because I gave her that support. So out of fear that she'd leave me, I kept giving that support, being the great listener, being her rock, being the most emotionally generous person I could be, answering her texts at all hours of the day and night, taking her phone calls when she knew it caused me major inconveniences. But I did all of that with a smile on my face because I knew that was what she valued in me, my unfailing willingness to always be there for her. I never said no to her. She ate that up, but I was miserable, I felt like I was her drug, the person who sacrificed himself to be her entire support system. She loved it/I wanted out. When my therapist finally told me he suspected BPD, everything snapped into place. I have a sibling with diagnosed BPD; how I missed it in my ex partner for so long just speaks to the insidious nature of the disorder and to our ego's capacity for denial, to see what we want to see, especially during the idealization stage. On the few occasions that I expressed my dissatisfaction with her lack of empathy, her lack of caring, she exploded into a rage. I now know it was a defense mechanism on her part to shield her from any criticism. After only two or three times that I suggested she could be a better listener and show a little more compassion toward me, I learned not to bring it up anymore, not to expect that from our relationship.

[dobie]

Thats the problem. We believe we arent doing enouhh. Arent supportive enough. When you look at the ratio of self sacrifice it is nearly all by us. The little they do is done begrudgingly andthen thrown in our face.

Very true for me too. I was the rock, the giver, the "everything's going to be fine" person. I'd talk her out of her sadness and talk her down from her anger. I was the listener, a great listener, I didn't judge, I was her faithful supporter, her personal therapist. But the roles never flipped when I needed to talk out something, when I had a bad day, or if I was agonizing over an important decision. She would just dictate to me the solution as she saw it and that was that. I didn't know at the time she was literally incapable of empathy so I saw her "unwillingness" to be supportive as selfishness or worse, as a sign that she didn't care about me, that she was with me only because I gave her that support. So out of fear that she'd leave me, I kept giving that support, being the great listener, being her rock, being the most emotionally generous person I could be, answering her texts at all hours of the day and night, taking her phone calls when she knew it caused me major inconveniences. But I did all of that with a smile on my face because I knew that was what she valued in me, my unfailing willingness to always be there for her. I never said no to her. She ate that up, but I was miserable, I felt like I was her drug, the person who sacrificed himself to be her entire support system. She loved it/I wanted out. When my therapist finally told me he suspected BPD, everything snapped into place. I have a sibling with diagnosed BPD; how I missed it in my ex partner for so long just speaks to the insidious nature of the disorder and to our ego's capacity for denial, to see what we want to see, especially during the idealization stage. On the few occasions that I expressed my dissatisfaction with her lack of empathy, her lack of caring, she exploded into a rage. I now know it was a defense mechanism on her part to shield her from any criticism. After only two or three times that I suggested she could be a better listener and show a little more compassion toward me, I learned not to bring it up anymore, not to expect that from our relationship.

Dunder don't feel bad bro that was my r/s for the last year and I missed all the signs

[runningup]

Dunder you could have written that about my relationship, its exactly the same. Especially the fact that when I need some support got 0%, which I originally thought was just a case that she was a b___, but then as I learned about BPD I learned about the inability to show empathy. She tried to learn some through therapy, but as it turns out that was to big an ask, to much trouble to work on for someone she apparantly loved forever, so she cheated and moved on after I invested 3 yrs of my life just as you have described. I am left with such a big hole now.