Contact with his sister, missing him and my stupid biological clock...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Despite some of the comments that were made about it, a couple weeks ago, I sent my uBPDexbf’s sister (60) as card to say goodbye to her.  I essentially wanted to thank her for her kindness to me over the 18 years.  She truly welcomed me with open arms, even when things were going poorly in his and my relationship.  She was a truly classy lady.

She sent me a card back:  

“Thank you for your note and kind words.  I understand your concerns about the recent choices and decisions D***** has been making.  We all wonder. He is happy and the only thing anyone can do is ride it out and love him.  I hope it works out for him, strange as it seems.  I am sorry that you and D***** weren’t able to make your relationship work.  It is a tragedy that two people who loved each other as much as you and D***** could not come together.  I wish all the best for you!  Now that you are free, you’ll be able to find someone more suited to you and you will find the happiness you deserve.  With warm regards, ******”



I am really struggling this evening.   I don’t think it is from getting this card from her.  I am just feeling so alone.  And I don’t know what to do with this loneliness.

I posted this on another thread, but I am trying to meet new people.  But, I am embarrassed to say, I don’t know how.  I run a successful business and interact with people all day, every day.  But I am lost on how to date successfully.  I don’t come into contact with eligible men in my daily life so I have resorted to online sites.  I cannot seem to meet anyone of substance.  The good sounding ones fall off eventually.  I don’t even know why.  Is it me?  Is it just the nature of online dating?  I know it was stated that perhaps they sense the weakness in me.  At what point will I know that I actually am ready to meet someone?  I just see myself 85 years old and alone.

See, here’s my big issue and fear:  my biological clock.  My ex and I discussed and looked into having a child together (options for his vasectomy reversal and we never got to my fertility testing – he pulled the rug out from under me and I cancelled the appointment).  I just turned 46.  My clock may have run out already but I still long for a husband and a baby and a family.  It kills me that my ex wasted my good years.  I cannot get over this. No matter how hard I try! And I feel this constant pressure that I need to meet someone.  :)ays and weeks just keep going by.  

I meet a therapist in two weeks.  I am living for this appointment (and this forum).  I am barely functioning in my daily life and he has been gone since December!  I am feeling worse and worse every day.  I miss him terribly, I miss his friendship, I miss feeling safe and not so alone with someone,  I hear too many things about him with her, my biological clock it ticking so loud I can barely tune it out, and I can’t even find a man to just go out with (I do at least know better than to mention this baby thing to anyone I do strike up a conversation).  I am a mess and most of the time I feel like I just sit around waiting to get old and die at this point.  I try to make myself work on my business and projects around my property but I feel like I have lost all drive and focus.  I feel like I am just spinning my own wheels and not moving forward.  I feel I am a burden to my family with my constant obsessing about him, the failed relationship, and my future.  

What do I do?

[sbr1050]

Despite some of the comments that were made about it, a couple weeks ago, I sent my uBPDexbf’s sister (60) as card to say goodbye to her.  I essentially wanted to thank her for her kindness to me over the 18 years.  She truly welcomed me with open arms, even when things were going poorly in his and my relationship.  She was a truly classy lady.

She sent me a card back:  

“Thank you for your note and kind words.  I understand your concerns about the recent choices and decisions D***** has been making.  We all wonder. He is happy and the only thing anyone can do is ride it out and love him.  I hope it works out for him, strange as it seems.  I am sorry that you and D***** weren’t able to make your relationship work.  It is a tragedy that two people who loved each other as much as you and D***** could not come together.  I wish all the best for you!  Now that you are free, you’ll be able to find someone more suited to you and you will find the happiness you deserve.  With warm regards, ******”



I am really struggling this evening.   I don’t think it is from getting this card from her.  I am just feeling so alone.  And I don’t know what to do with this loneliness.

I posted this on another thread, but I am trying to meet new people.  But, I am embarrassed to say, I don’t know how.  I run a successful business and interact with people all day, every day.  But I am lost on how to date successfully.  I don’t come into contact with eligible men in my daily life so I have resorted to online sites.  I cannot seem to meet anyone of substance.  The good sounding ones fall off eventually.  I don’t even know why.  Is it me?  Is it just the nature of online dating?  I know it was stated that perhaps they sense the weakness in me.  At what point will I know that I actually am ready to meet someone?  I just see myself 85 years old and alone.

See, here’s my big issue and fear:  my biological clock.  My ex and I discussed and looked into having a child together (options for his vasectomy reversal and we never got to my fertility testing – he pulled the rug out from under me and I cancelled the appointment).  I just turned 46.  My clock may have run out already but I still long for a husband and a baby and a family.  It kills me that my ex wasted my good years.  I cannot get over this. No matter how hard I try! And I feel this constant pressure that I need to meet someone.  :)ays and weeks just keep going by.  

I meet a therapist in two weeks.  I am living for this appointment (and this forum).  I am barely functioning in my daily life and he has been gone since December!  I am feeling worse and worse every day.  I miss him terribly, I miss his friendship, I miss feeling safe and not so alone with someone,  I hear too many things about him with her, my biological clock it ticking so loud I can barely tune it out, and I can’t even find a man to just go out with (I do at least know better than to mention this baby thing to anyone I do strike up a conversation).  I am a mess and most of the time I feel like I just sit around waiting to get old and die at this point.  I try to make myself work on my business and projects around my property but I feel like I have lost all drive and focus.  I feel like I am just spinning my own wheels and not moving forward.  I feel I am a burden to my family with my constant obsessing about him, the failed relationship, and my future.  

What do I do?

[shehitme]

I just posted for the first time ever, asking the question if I am exhibiting codependency traits because of 15 years spend with a BPD spouse.

Loneliness and desperate attempts to find a relationship are some of the traits associated with codependency.

Like you, I've turned to online dating sites, and had mixed experiences.

I feel for you.

[Mutt]

Hi sbr1050,

the only thing anyone can do is ride it out and love him

I'm not familiar with the back story of his family.  I think she sent a very thoughtful card and what the text I quoted I have read in terms of family members and loved ones to not take a pwBPD's splitting personal and to "ride it out" when you're split as all bad, I have to agree and I think it's also a struggle.

I'm so sorry you're going through this sbr1050. I can relate with feeling like a burden with family members and friends with obsessions and support. You have a long history and suffering a loss and dreams with him

You're not feeling a 100% right now and may not be ready for dating. It's good to turn to the boards through these difficult times and share with members that have similar experiences and going to a T for healing.  

It's good to hear that you're looking forward to your appointment. I found it was tremendous help when I was going through a difficult break-up.

How do you hear too many things with him and her? Are you hearing it through mutual friends? His family?

[sbr1050]

How do you hear too many things with him and her? Are you hearing it through mutual friends? His family?

We live in the same small town, plus we are/have been active in the tight knit horse community in this area.  People talk. A lot.  No one has been intentionally rude.  It's just normal for people to say things to me... .Plus, I see things on Facebook.  I see him around town with her (they hang out at the town breakfast place certain days of the week), see them at the post office, find him parked next to me at the local WM, etc.

[Mutt]

I found it incredibly tough and painful hearing about my ex and felt really triggered too. I think sometimes people mean well and could show a little more empathy. It's a social norm in tight knit circles too.

I was pretty busted up and found it hard sometimes to get through the day. I felt like people didn't understand that I was waking up feeling incredible pain that was there the entire day. Does it feel like that to you?

I had lost my family. I had to draw a line so I could cope. If family members and friends mentioned my ex or the other man I said "I'm sorry if you have news with either that you don't pass the info to me for now. I hope you understand" Friends and family members respected my wishes and didn't take it to heart. It may surprise you and I found it was very helpful for me for the first few months. It's raw for you sbr1050.

We had a lot of haunts, places, events and festivals that triggered me post break-up and I started a new routine until I felt better returning back to the old ones when my healing had come a long way. I understand it's a small town and you're likely not going to be able to avoid him or her driving around town or WM etc

I think there are things than can help speed things up. Do you peek at his Facebook profile or have a friend that shares something from his feed?

How about the horse community? Are there different days or weeks that you can participate when he may not be there and you don't run into him? You're hurt  It think it may help you with healing