How to recover from the idealization

[confusedinWI]

How do you recover from the idealization? My honeymoon phase with exgf lasted about three to five months. But she would still at least once a month give me a hallmark card, or some creative way of showing me how much she loved me, or how amazing she thought I was. Heck three weeks before she broke up with me she gave me a card which stated on the inside, "I know we are going through some hard times right now, pits and valleys, and I hope that this is a pit we can crawl out of. Even if we can't I want you to know you are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I will love you forever."

This woman would make the most thoughtful gifts, write the most amazing messages, give me notes in my lunch bad, cheering me on. I realize it affected me so much because prior to meeting her I was six months removed from my divorce. She fed right into making me feel better about myself, and I also have some co-dependency issues going on.

I would also validate her a lot too by telling her those things. It still hurts now knowing she is saying the same thing to the new man. The things that she told me. A week after we broke up and a week before we moved out she still texted me that I'm her forever love, and I always will be. I've also figured out that around the same time she texted me that she was talking with her new man who she is now dating.

I need to get past this idealization. The hard part is figuring out what might have been true. I've read that when they say these things there are some truths but the inner child in them blow it up out of proportion.

How can I move forward?

[borderdude]

been there, the idealization is really addictive, it makes you look at yourself as a new better person, in a new role. I starts with realizing it was a fantasy in the first place, they live in a fantasy world, on the other hand, is not all people in love in a little fantasy play with each other? hmm, hard to say.

[FannyB]

Man - that's like saying 'How do I get over a crystal meth addiction in 3 easy steps?' For me it was:

1) Reading loads about BPD to put the idealization phase into context

2) Not being consumed by bitterness, but seeing it positively as a high that most people will never experience

3) Letting time do the rest.

It is hard though - the BPD giveth, and the BPD taketh away! 

[confusedinWI]

Fanny,

Maybe my problem is that while I realize the idealization was a high, one that was good but coupled with the devaluation low man that hurt. I need to understand that in a normal "healthy" relationship you can have someone compliment you, but you don't need it at the level of the BPD "you are the best... ."

Are their healthy relationships where people can truly say you know this is the best ever?

I think part of my stayed because of the sex, I'm man enough to admit it, but for me I also equated it with love, the intimacy, I'm an affectionate person. Also my fear of being alone and co-d issues.  That and the idealization.

It hurts because she at the emotional vampire she is has already moved on to a new host. I have her blocked on fakebook but the other day at the library I looked up her name on facebook without logging in and saw some pictures.

I've been dealing with the fallout from that. It's funny because I took some screen shots of that and sent it to my female friend and my friend's response was "is she drunk?" My ex gf does have a drinking problem. She also had that similar deer in the headlights look that many of them have.

My friend said that she doesn't seem to have the smile that she had when she was with me. That made me feel good. She moved on to new man about two weeks after our two year relationship (lived together for seven months) was over. I still have problems understanding how in a span of two weeks she says that I'm still her forever love to moving on to someone else?

It's funny because even when we lived together, I worked retail, she complained that she didn't get to see me enough. THe man she is dating now lives over an hour and a half away. Very hypocritical of her if you ask me

[Mutt]

This woman would make the most thoughtful gifts, write the most amazing messages, give me notes in my lunch bad, cheering me on. I realize it affected me so much because prior to meeting her I was six months removed from my divorce.

Hi confusedinWI,

I also thought when I met my ex partner she was really thoughtful with her gifts, messages and cards and I fell for her. Divorce is really tough and I can see how someone may sooth the pain when we're emotionally vulnerable. There are two sides to a medallion and as you say there's the low with the devaluation. Have you checked our article on idealization and devaluation and why we struggle?

PERSPECTIVES: From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle

Why does idealization turn to devaluation?

The idealisation creates a strong attachment - for both the pwBPD and the nonBPD. Mirroring, excessive praise (pleasing), sex and openness builds the BPD/nonBPD bond.  

pwBPDs are after the 'perfect' rs ~ once they perceive flaws they find it harder to mirror .  As the "hopes of perfection" gives way to reality, the hopes and trust developed in the idealisation slowly erode and the pwBPD begins to devalue.  

In the idealisation phase we were one in the same which serves the BPD as well. When we are devalued, we "push back". Now there is a loss of control to the pwBPD - often they can response in destructive ways.

As the idealisation phase is very intense ~ the devaluing swings the other way. If you are placed on a high pedestal the fall is long and the fall is hard.

There may be no going back. Even though you try to placate, once dream and the trust is broken, it is broken. You may see glimmers of the idealisation phase as the pwBPD vacillates between the hopes and reality of the situation.

It will never be how it was in the beginning. This goes for us too.  I could never feel like I did in the beginning again because the devaluing tore me down.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Maybe we should all try idealizing ourselves for a change?  What if we said those really nice things to ourselves throughout the day?  Wouldn't that be something. 

Here's a book I read quite a few months ago:  Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It (www.amazon.com/Love-Yourself-Like-Your-Depends-ebook/dp/B0086BX8UE). 

Pretty simple, pretty good.  Really, our life does depend on it.  Esp post-b/u!

Seems kind of obvious but most of us don't do it.

[Mutt]

What if we said those really nice things to ourselves throughout the day?  Wouldn't that be something. 

 

[Bensonshays]

How do you recover from the idealization?

It's taking me a lot of time, but what's helped is accepting that I have some qualities that initially attracted her in the first place. It's the same in your case. You were put on a pedestal and then swiftly knocked on your ass; that's a painful experience. But you have to believe that you're a desirable guy, regardless of what she ended up thinking about you.

[confusedinWI]

I know that in order to be healthy in a relationship I need to provide the feelings of acceptance, validation, approval all for myself. I didn't do that in my relationship with my ex. In a telling statement at the end of the relationship she even said "remember confidence is key." That hurt because I was, or at least thought I was, very confident when I first met her. After multiple breakups and recycles, my confidence and esteemed waivered.

I'm glad I found this site because she seemed so cold and callous towards me. I still lived in the shared apartment for two weeks after we broke up. We spent some nights sleeping in the same bed and holding each other all night. There were three times after we broke up that we made out so heavy that it almost resulted in sex again, I was willing she put on the breaks. I see now that it might have been because she was already starting up her new relationship with new man, I'm not sure. She said she wanted to but the feelings would be too hard. But then there were some days where she was so cold to me. She even one time made a comment of "Well I have to get back in game shape" when I asked her about a certain outfit she was wearing to work.

I've been no contact with her. Last time I head from her was a text message over a month ago. Now that she is in new relationship I understand all her focus is on that. I should be happy. Happy that I dont' have to deal with temptations. Happy that I can focus on myself and my children, and finding a full time job.

But it's stupid part of me feels mad... .what if she never makes contact again. If she doesn't am I not that special? Or does she realize how much she burnt the bridges with what she did to my kids that she doesn't want to put herself out there for rejection from me?

She's blocked on my facebook, and I think I'm blocked on hers. I don't know if she deleted my phone number or not.

I've spent equal amounts praying I never run into her again. What hurts for me is I still find her so physically attractive. Others would say she's maybe a 6 but to me, or maybe because of how she hooked me with the affection early on, it warped my brain's way of thinking, that I still have her up there. She wasn't model skinny. She has curves which I like, I liked her body better than anyone else previous.

She even told me once how she loved that I showed so much attention to all parts of her body when we were intimate.

I don't know how to take her off that pedestal even though she did so much to me.

This was a woman that even threatened suicide on the night we were breaking up because she felt she was losing me, and my two children which she said she loved. She begged me to met her at the apartment to talk to her. For the only time in my life I was scared. I was scared if I met her at the apartment (after hearing her threaten suicide) that she would take anger out on more, of concoct some scenario where she would blame me for harm. I still hate myself though for not meeting her there. Thankfully nothing happened but if God forbid something did, how would I live with myself knowing I didn't stop her from hurting herself.

How sick and messed up am I that I'm still thinking of her "pedestal" moments and wishing for that person. The same person that threatened to kill herself over me? What is wrong with me? She emotionally abused me, saw everything in black and white, would get mad at me when I didn't fight everything my ex wife said to me. She would try to control how I raised my kids on the nights they lived with us. She would have good moments with me and my kids then flip on a dime, storm into the bedroom and start drinking. I'd be left having to tell the kids a lie that she has a migraine. They knew the difference. I feel like a pathetic father as well.

I wanted the "good" person in her to stick around. The one I almost asked to marry me. Now she was so easily able to move on from my and my children. People she said she loved. She downgraded in every fashion with new man... .I will not say replacement because I'm not replaceable. Her family even told me that I was the best thing every for her.

I still can't deal with the fact that my girlfriend, my best friend, my Netflix companion, my card player, she is gone. She has painted me black. I don't know what she's told this new man. I know her family knew who I was. I don't know what she told them about me now.

It's funny when I looked at her facebook this week (I know I shouldn't have). Under her cover photos she still has a picture of her and my daughter smiling together (I told her it was one of my favorites), and a picture of her and I at the finish line of the only 5k we ran together (one of my best memories of us). Plus in one of the photos of her and  the new man she is wearing a necklace that I got her for our first Christmas. When we broke up she specifically told me that she didn't know if she'd be able to wear the necklace again because it meant so much to her. If she "moved on' from me and doesn't love me why have this up there, why wear the necklace. She knows how to operate around facebook. I don't get it

[FannyB]

ConfusedinWI:

She made you feel like the best version of yourself you could be. That pumped up your self-esteem to hitherto unprecedented levels as well as massaging your ego. You might never hit those highs again with a non-disordered partner, but you're unlikely to experience the soul-destroying lows either. The key to recovery is liking yourself and what you do - irrespective of what others feel about you.  Interesting story about the necklace - maybe you're painted a lighter shade of black after all.

[confusedinWI]

ConfusedinWI:

She made you feel like the best version of yourself you could be. That pumped up your self-esteem to hitherto unprecedented levels as well as massaging your ego. You might never hit those highs again with a non-disordered partner, but you're unlikely to experience the soul-destroying lows either. The key to recovery is liking yourself and what you do - irrespective of what others feel about you.  Interesting story about the necklace - maybe you're painted a lighter shade of black after all.

Fanny,

Yes the necklace is interesting but to me what is more interesting is the two pictures. The one of me and her and the one of my daughter and her. If I was her new man I would look at her facebook, I might not ever notice the necklace or she could've told me a completely different story about it. But since she has no children of her own, it's hard to understand why she would still have those pictures up, especially the one of her and I. Maybe she's not moved on as much as she wants to think.

[Achaya]

Within the past week I have figured out that what still hurts so much about the loss of the idealization of me is that I am still idealizing my ex. No matter how much I read on these boards I still feel like she was The One for me and she has now retreated into the distance forever. This hurts a lot not only because of the loss of the connection with the person, but because now I am thrown back on the low self-esteem I had before I met her. But I don't think I would be measuring my worth in terms of her level of passion unless I had first idealized her.

I am trying to get more realistic by thinking of my ex as a combination of her good qualities and the behaviors that hurt me, the withdrawal and withholding. When I idealize her, I also go towards self-rejecting explanations for her rejection of me (like that she is a very desirable person who will have a new partner with a snap of her fingers, and I wasn't good enough for her).

[myself]

We all hang on and let go in our own amounts and time. Each have reasons for mementos and etc. Sometimes people, even more so with pwBPD/traits, can move on so quickly they don't get to everything that needs to be 'cleaned up' from the past (in fact that's part of what they're running from). It's like in cartoons when there's a ramping up, a blur, and a cloud of smoke left behind. Witnessing it, we can scratch our heads wondering, "Huh? What?" And we can also turn away and focus on our own forward motion.

[FannyB]

Fanny,

Yes the necklace is interesting but to me what is more interesting is the two pictures. The one of me and her and the one of my daughter and her. If I was her new man I would look at her facebook, I might not ever notice the necklace or she could've told me a completely different story about it. But since she has no children of her own, it's hard to understand why she would still have those pictures up, especially the one of her and I. Maybe she's not moved on as much as she wants to think.

ConfusedinWI

She might be idealizing you from afar. I think some pwBPD 'park' relationships when they become emotionally dysregulated with a view to possibly re-engaging when it all calms down and they are without a supply. How will you cope if she tries to re-cycle further down the line?

[confusedinWI]

How will I cope if she tries to recycle again?

I will think of the hurt she emotionally caused by taking her anger towards their mother out on them in a text message that destroyed her two year bond with them.

honestly that's the one main thing that keeps me out of the dreadful despair that I have, like last night. I have to repair my bond with my children. Towards the end my ex gf was wanting more attention placed on her than on the children. My children were starting to know that.

I'm living at my mom's house right now which is an hour and a half away from my children, I lost my job a month before my relationship ended with my ex gf. I'm working on getting a full time job so I can move back by my children, get set up with my own small apartment, and start my life over again.

If I took her back I would be betraying my children, myself, my sense of respect which she violated and I wasn't man enough at the time to establish my boundaries.

Do I miss the short few weeks of good time cycles we had? Yes. But it seemed that once we moved in together, their was a definite line drawn from past relationship to that part of the relationship. She wasn't able to keep the lie going. It was tough for her.

What really hurts now is the three images I saw of her and her new man on Facebook (I call it that because you can craft any kind of reality you want on there). Seeing him with her, when just three months ago that used to be me still hurts. But that's life you know. I'm smart enough to know what is the truth now. This poor man will go through his own idealization, then something will spark it with her and his downfall will happen. Maybe he will have more time since they live apart, who knows. I am no longer going to check that. Because honestly I still have love emotions I'm trying to get over. The words of "forever love" ring in my ear.

But you know what, I can't trust her anymore. She has a drinking problem, she has these anger issues, she hurt my children, she destroyed me by how callous she was when I still lived there for two weeks after the break up.

wanting the real her to appear is as fruitful as hoping to spend a day with Santa Claus. They both don't exist.

I mourn the love we had, but reality has to snap me back out.

I just wish I didn't see those pictures... .and read one of the comments about How great a guy he is. Oh well. I know what I did for her, and what I was put thru. Hopefully tonight is a better night for me.

[Mutt]

If I took her back I would be betraying my children, myself, my sense of respect which she violated and I wasn't man enough at the time to establish my boundaries.

Don't be hard on yourself.

But that's life you know.

It's still not fair.

How many kids and how old?

[FannyB]

Good man - kids come first -always! PwBPD struggle with that, though interestingly they handle it pretty well during the idealization phase.    Mine also had a drinking problem (though it wasn't to her!) and was resentful that I spent a lot of time at weekends with my son when we could be going away and leading a fantasy life. Ah well, if I'd have fixed that it would have been something else as the cycle ALWAYS repeats! 

[confusedinWI]

My son is 11 and my daughter is 8. It is ironic because I waited three months before I introduced them to her. She was cool with it, understood and was really respectful. She said she didn't want children of her own, at that point she was thirty and she felt maybe it was too late. She often told me she was falling completely in love with my kids and she couldn't wait until we lived together so she could help with the "real" parts of raising the kids. When we lived apart she would see the kids a few times a month but like she said, she felt like it was just for the fun times.

She craved the real times, helping them with homework, tucking them into bed at night, making them meals, etc. But even after that first week of living together I could tell the anxiety was getting to her. It was a Sunday and my birthday, and she did really great about spoiling me that day. The kids and her made me a cake, etc. We were all supposed to go to a movie later that night. We had just moved into the apartment together that week. Well the time for the movie to come and she said she doesn't want to go, she needs "her" alone time. I was disappointed but took the kids to the movie. I get home from movie with the kids and she is in the bedroom. I could tell at this point she was half drunk.

My first thought was what the heck? What did I get myself into. But it was one of many red flags I just ignored because I really wanted this to work out. Maybe it was my failed marriage, and I wanted this relationship to work out. I loved the idea of living with her, making a life together. She always said the right things that she was excited to see my kids get older, be there with me for those events with the kids

It hurts too because my daughter still has her up on a pedestal. My son started to see thru it after all the recycles. That hurt too you know.

I just craved one time where my ex said "I know we aren't supposed to have the kids tonight, but let's see if your ex wife would let us have them so we can do a fun thing together."

Nope it was more like at the end she tolerated and tried to enjoy the family time, but she just wanted more us time. No matter how much I bent over backwards to try to give her time it wasn't enough. I felt like at the end that my kids and I had to compromise so much for her, and she wouldn't do the same.

one night she had a bad migraine (I had the kids that night) and she drove herself to the immediate clinic. She texted me how bad it hurt. The kids and I drove up there to be with her. She was in the clinic for over two hours. I spent time between the kids and holding her hand in the darkned room. She was more upset that I wasn't up there sooner. Then she caught herself and told the kids thank you. My daughter said "You are family we want to show you that we love you."

I feel conflicted because I hate what I put my kids through, all they wanted to do was be loved by her the way they loved her.

I wanted us to blend our family. Her family was amazing to my kids. My ex gf even denied them a chance to say goodbye to her, she took her anger out on my ex wife and didn't want to acknowledge a goodbye. Maybe it would've hurt her too much to say goodbye.

The way I thought she was, I would've fought until the end of the world for her, the good her. But I know now that was a mirage.

So why does it still hurt so much that she is gone? I've had no drama for over two months. Maybe it's too quiet and I don't know how to deal with that?

Why does it bother me that she's moved on so quick. I feel like if she loved me the way she did she wouldn't have nuked the bridge at the end.

Thing is with her drinking problem, and this issue I would never know if she really changed. I hate that I still grieve this, loved this woman, think of great memories.

But you know what, a lot of the great memories were of her and I, not as many as her, me and the kids. That's what I needed.

I wonder if she even cared or loved us? She's with a new man now so her thoughts are consumed by him. But I dont' get how she could take a man back to an apartment that just week's early her boyfriend and his kids lived in with her?

She's so fake and yet I still pine, I hate myself for that

[Mutt]

My son is 11 and my daughter is 8. It is ironic because I waited three months before I introduced them to her.

It displays empathy for the kids and you didn't want to introduce them too early - sensible.

She craved the real times, helping them with homework, tucking them into bed at night, making them meals, etc. But even after that first week of living together I could tell the anxiety was getting to her.

It sounds like she was sincere, and it's nice to find someone that is interested in family and you were also divorced. Did you worry you may not find someone that will take you and the kids?

It was a Sunday and my birthday, and she did really great about spoiling me that day. The kids and her made me a cake, etc. We were all supposed to go to a movie later that night. We had just moved into the apartment together that week. Well the time for the movie to come and she said she doesn't want to go, she needs "her" alone time. I was disappointed but took the kids to the movie. I get home from movie with the kids and she is in the bedroom. I could tell at this point she was half drunk.

It's disappointing for you and the kids that she didn't go to a movie with you. The kids were probably excited and they made a cake with her too.

It hurts too because my daughter still has her up on a pedestal. My son started to see thru it after all the recycles. That hurt too you know.

Your D8 took a liking to her. Your son is a little older than your D and likely understands a little more?

Nope it was more like at the end she tolerated and tried to enjoy the family time, but she just wanted more us time. No matter how much I bent over backwards to try to give her time it wasn't enough. I felt like at the end that my kids and I had to compromise so much for her, and she wouldn't do the same.

I'm sorry to hear that. Was it dissappointing that she was going through the motions in the day to get to the downtime?

She was more upset that I wasn't up there sooner. Then she caught herself and told the kids thank you. My daughter said "You are family we want to show you that we love you."

She's upset that you weren't up there sooner and it's reasonable that you got there in that time frame, it can trigger feelings of guilt and obligation or emotional blackmail (FOG)

I feel conflicted because I hate what I put my kids through, all they wanted to do was be loved by her the way they loved her.

It's OK. Don't be hard on yourself. The kids are talking about unconditional love.

My ex gf even denied them a chance to say goodbye to her, she took her anger out on my ex wife and didn't want to acknowledge a goodbye. Maybe it would've hurt her too much to say goodbye.

It's hard emotionally for a pwBPD

She's so fake and yet I still pine, I hate myself for that

I pined too. You suffered loss. It's tough.

[confusedinWI]

It was quite tough Mutt that it felt like sometimes she was just going through the motions. However it was more frustrating the walking on eggshells, not knowing which ex was going to be there whether I was with the kids or not.

Sometimes we would be having a good interaction and the daughter might do something or the son might do something that is normal for a child and she would just react. Probably her inner child.

what was hard is she was brought up with not much money (I wasn't around much money either) and she always seemed to get mad when I would buy my kids brand name clothes (always on sale). She would make comments how I spoil them. Or if they came from their mothers with something new she would comment how my child support money was going to "good" use. Its almost like her inner child was made she didn't have that as a child so why should my children.

I never once questioned her about her money but she always questioned me about mine.

A big thing I'm learning is I was the "nice guy". I didn't establish my boundaries because I was afraid of upsetting people, making them mad. I felt if I made them happy then my happiness would be returned, stupid I know.

I was also codependent on her for my happiness, and I think she had some of the same traits as well. I will not do that anymore.

I will enforce my boundaries I will not be treated with lack of respect, or tolerate the verbal abuse (or the one time she kicked me), the excessive drinking. I will get to a point where I will not be afraid to lose someone that is not good for me. The two times I did stand up to her I think it turned her on more than anything.

She was always trying to test me. It's my fault though because I taught her how to treat me by taking all the crap behavior

[Mutt]

However it was more frustrating the walking on eggshells, not knowing which ex was going to be there whether I was with the kids or not.

Good point. There came a time for me I felt dread coming home after work, the weekends and vacations. I was criticized for everything and didn't know if she'd be in a good mood or awful mood.

what was hard is she was brought up with not much money (I wasn't around much money either) and she always seemed to get mad when I would buy my kids brand name clothes (always on sale). She would make comments how I spoil them.

Your ex wanted the attention.

She was always trying to test me. It's my fault though because I taught her how to treat me by taking all the crap behavior

You can be a nice guy with boundaries. A pwBPD have little understanding of boundaries on the self and flail against your boundaries much like a young child against their parents boundaries. It is emotional arrested development of a child of around 2 or 3. You're right your boundaries and the limits are tested and a reason can be because of self loathing and insecurities. A pwBPD expect people that are close to them will eventually leave them and it can be testing your boundaries to see if you're going to abandon them.

Don't be hard on yourself. BPD is a difficult and complex disorder. I get the sense that she wasn't diagnosed? She hid a problem with alcohol? It takes a pwBPD commitment to therapy for recovery and professionals are trained and have to cope with a pwBPD a few hours a week. You were in the thick of it 24/7? I think you can give yourself a break?

[sbr1050]

Maybe we should all try idealizing ourselves for a change?  What if we said those really nice things to ourselves throughout the day? 

Not the same... .I need to know someone else in the world that thinks it... .

[Survivor25]

Oh Boy, I have to chime in here! My BPD ex-husband showered me with cards and flowers for years almost daily! and the sex! Oh my gosh, like from the most romantic movie you can imagine. Candles lit and music. Rose petals on the bed, for God sakes! What woman wouldn't swoon for such things? Except when he went silent for days, disappeared for hours, numbed out in front of the TV and ignored me when I made a comment that offended him or I moved something in the fridge to the wrong shelf, etc. And normal apologies don't work on BPD partners. Begging and pleading for forgiveness with promises to never do "it" again might work sometimes, and then again, might not. When it did work, we were back to the cards and candles. Oh, and did I mention the sunsets? Sheesh! I've been hooked on this "go away, come here" BS for so long. I don't care if I never have sex again. I swear it's not worth this agony! I'll light my own candles, buy my own flowers, play my own music. Peacefully, alone. Now, if I could just stop ruminating about it all.

[myself]

I need to know someone else in the world that thinks it... .

This is a great area to look into.

Where does that need come from?

Why is it so important to us?

When does it become a problem?

What's the balance between external and internal validation?

BPD or not, we're dealing with this as social humans.

[dagwoodbowser]

I wont lie, I enjoyed the idealization portions of my relationship with my BPDx. Even though we recycled several times it started the same way, ended same way but I caught on eventually. I called it the 80/20 Rule with her. Most (80%) of what had me soo darn Idealized were the Words that dripped and flowed out of her mouth like milk and honey. The other 20 were actions, but mostly negative or neutral. This helped me to realize just how seductive Words can be. It's up to you decide if you want to dedicate your emotions based on poetry and prose or what she actually does by Actions that brings on good, positive emotions and outcomes.

[confusedinWI]

However it was more frustrating the walking on eggshells, not knowing which ex was going to be there whether I was with the kids or not.

Good point. There came a time for me I felt dread coming home after work, the weekends and vacations. I was criticized for everything and didn't know if she'd be in a good mood or awful mood.

what was hard is she was brought up with not much money (I wasn't around much money either) and she always seemed to get mad when I would buy my kids brand name clothes (always on sale). She would make comments how I spoil them.

Your ex wanted the attention.

She was always trying to test me. It's my fault though because I taught her how to treat me by taking all the crap behavior

You can be a nice guy with boundaries. A pwBPD have little understanding of boundaries on the self and flail against your boundaries much like a young child against their parents boundaries. It is emotional arrested development of a child of around 2 or 3. You're right your boundaries and the limits are tested and a reason can be because of self loathing and insecurities. A pwBPD expect people that are close to them will eventually leave them and it can be testing your boundaries to see if you're going to abandon them.

Don't be hard on yourself. BPD is a difficult and complex disorder. I get the sense that she wasn't diagnosed? She hid a problem with alcohol? It takes a pwBPD commitment to therapy for recovery and professionals are trained and have to cope with a pwBPD a few hours a week. You were in the thick of it 24/7? I think you can give yourself a break?

You are right she wasn't diagnosed with BPD, at least not that she told me. You know we both went to a therapist appointment together one time to try to work on the relationship. She seemed to say all the right things. One of her five wishes for me was to "stand up for myself, whether it was to my ex wife or to my ex". When I did try to stand up to her, unless she was in a really weird mode, it made her more upset.

I've been typing a lot of things today that helps. But now that it's getting late at night, I'm starting to long for her again. How long does that feeling last? She is in the last month of the lease of the apartment that we shared. I'm excited for this month to be over. I don't have to pay for a place I don't live in. But rather after that I won't know where exactly she lives anymore. Then I won't have the urge to stop in the city that we used to live, and drive by the apartment. I've not done that but I've had so many urges though. It will be nice. I have her blocked on Facebook, I'm not sure if she remembers my phone number or if she has deleted it or not. You know what is hard is by typing this I realize all the stuff I put up with, all the stuff my kids put up with her as well.

But right now it is hard because she's fresh with the new man. I can't stop wondering tonight what she is doing? If they are going to spend the night together. I've accepted the fact that they have already probably been intimate.

The cruel irony is I have no interest to be with another woman at this point, only her. I don't like this. I try my best to not give her power but I fail.

how can I stop caring about a woman that I would have willing spent the rest of my life with if she was normal?

I don't want her right now because it would set me back, but I don't want her with another guy right now. Please help.

[runningup]

You have to try and remember all the pits. Heres an example for me: The last weekend we spent together was the best weekend we had had in 2015, we laughed, had great sex, went out on a date night, got heaps done on the house, talked about baby names (as we were trying for a child) and all of this came crashing down on the Monday, as she had been getting emotionally involved with someone from work which I didnt know about.

So if I look at the positive of that last weekend together, how great it was it hurts, if I look at how she sabotaged and ruined our life on that Monday, it also hurts, but that is the reality of BPD, Im now painted BLACK and she has moved on while I still sit in limbo struggling to want to even breathe.

[Bensonshays]

A pwBPD expect people that are close to them will eventually leave them and it can be testing your boundaries to see if you're going to abandon them.

How are you supposed to respond to these tests? You have to maintain your boundaries while also easing their abandonment fears, I've read here. But what does that look like in practice?  

[Mutt]

I understand you're anxious that a place you shared together; the lease will run out and a chapter closes.

I had painful thoughts too of the other man and what they were up to and if they were going to spend the night together. I wanted her back too. I'm sorry your going through this

It takes time and not everyone heals the same way. I found what helped me when things were raw was leaning on the boards. It was my safety net. I had experienced a traumatic event and I needed to make sense of what I had gone through for several years and find the truth. What the heck happened? Is it really all my fault?

I found reading a lot of the articles around the site and some I would read when I longed for my ex and it brought balance and perspective in those difficult moments.

When I felt the anger surge thinking about their honeymoon I read this article and I can't recount how many times I turned to it. I didn't want her anymore because of how things evolved with her devaluation and the honeymoon and fantasy lasts only for so long. My exe's boyfriend is in the fire now.

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves